It's a sensation. It's a phenomenon. It's some English hotness prancing around pretending to be a vampire. And the kiddies are going crazy for it. Panty liners are turning into eclairs. Everyone is yelling, "Edward, you can suck my...". Let's discuss.Yes, I finally made it to see the much buzzed about "Twilight" and to be honest, it was a hot mess...in a good way! Oh hey between the legs! My expectations were low as all the book fanatics were disappointed by the screen adaptation, but as an ignorant bastard, I was thoroughly entertained! In a nutshell, dumpy girl moves to a dumpy town. Dumpy girl falls for the town freak. Town freak is actually a vampire. They fall in love but he's scared he'll suck her blood. Action action action. The guy from the OC dies. The end.
Let's also talk about the Robert Pattinson situation, now to be renamed Pattycakes. Yes, you all knew him as Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and now, throngs of women and gays across the world will know him as something to finger themselves to. Let's give them something to finger about! Bonnie Raitt should remake that song for the sequel. Pattycakes plays the lead male role as Edward Cullen and who the hell knows what was going on in this movie because it was gratuitous glamour shot after glamour shot. Let's hope this limber lad doesn't end up a Hollywood hot mess. If I see him going to Les Deux with Kim Kardashian or befriending Speidi at The Ivy, I will dress up as Lindsay Lohan and go muff diving on Sammy. Oh hell no! Also, the makeup artist on this movie should be dragged into the street and stoned repeatedly. What was she/he thinking? All that white face sludge...1-800-THAT-WAS-NOT-SUBTLE. After every scene, they should have chyron'ed "Sponsored by MAC and every hot tranny mess this side of Wichita". WTF. Let me also mention that Pattycakes' daddy was played by none other than Peter Facinelli. Don't know who he is? Um excuse me but he played a crucial role in classic American cinema...You may remember him as MIKE DEXTER from Can't Hardly Wait. You know what this means...I am becoming an old fucking bag when my youth's reference points are now playing "the parent role". Does this mean I can't suck on lollipops and dance around in my room to Britney Spears? You can all suck it...I'm still doing it. You may be resistant, but just put it in your mouth and go see this movie. You'll thank my crumpets later.
