And so it begins, another quasi real / mostly fake reality show starring The Hills' fourth lead, Whitney Port, and as expected, it's a hot tranny mess...but actually fairly entertaining (in the same way it's entertaining to watch a dog take a giant shit then sniff it...).The double header premiere tells the story of young Whitney Port, a clueless imbecile from LA who ventures to the "big city" to start her career in fashion. She somehow shares a fabulous apartment and gets a job at DVF (Thanks MTV!) but whoa is me, she somehow gets tied up in a battle of the Upper East Side elite and the dirty hipsters downtown! What's a girl to do?!? On top of it, 2 total douche bag morons are fighting for her attention! She's not used to the double ended dildo, people.
Let's break down the cast one by one, shall we?
Whitney Port: She's the protagonist of the show and I will admit, I do like her more than LC in The Hills. She's got a bit more spunk and legs for days. Her eyes aren't quite as wonky as her former cast mates and I think it's reassuring that she put out so quickly on her first date with Jay. It's not sex if it's anal! Work it out! She gives average looking girls across the country hope that one day then can move to NYC and get a fabulous job and crabs.
Erin: This annoying twat plays the same role that Whitney did in The Hills. She's totally useless and just asks questions to drive plot. And enough with the fucking bangs! When will this trend pass? Her wig is a mess.
Olivia: Ahhh another snobby Upper East Side socialite who takes great pleasure in "working" at DVF. She's a complete cunt and you know what that means...I love her! She's essentially the NYC version of Lo Bosworth. I need to befriend her immediately. She has become the show's villain as she schemes and gives long stares at the new horse in town. She'll cut a bitch so watch out, Whitney! PS: Why is her cousin such a raging fat slob? Lypo, party of 1...check!
Jay: Let's see here...if you mix equal parts of LA douche bag, massive tool, total teabag, and add an Aussie accent to spice, you have Jay! With his mouth closed, he's bearable. With it open, you'd rather listen to your own vibrator go off at a trip to your grandparents' house than the sound of his annoying situation. What exactly is wrong with him? If he sticks his head up your ass, do you smell like flowers? How can one singular person exude such ability to douche? Is he having a douche-off with Brody Jenner? I just don't understand. Regardless, he is one of the leading men vying for Miss Whitney's attention. Girl, don't forget, Herpes are forever and puss will stain those cute skirts you wear...so honey, beware!
Adam: Homegirl is another massive tool. I suppose I wouldn't mind seeing him and Jay have a sword fight (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, squirt) but again, when this lady opens his mouth, it's all over. He should keep his mouth shut and his shirt off.
