My lovely lambs, a new season of American Idol is upon us and you know my weave has more than a few opinions on the losers and the bigger losers. Let's break down the remaining contestants, shall we?
Adam Lambert: Miss Thang sang "Tracks of My Tears" this week in celebration of Motown. Oh hey, it's motown...not MOtown! Was this performance sponsored by KY Jelly? Did someone kick the Kinsey Scale over with a dildo? Miss Lambert sure knows how to work that weave and this week, it was no different. His vocals are deliciously Queen-like (pick a queen, any queen) and I have high hopes for this gentlelady, but I don't think he has a chance of winning. Homegirl also needs to look into some serious air brushing because my imaginary 4WD almost got stuck in those massive pockmarks...or should we say...cockmarks. Sheesh!
Allison Iraheta: She performed "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and I'm very conflicted. I love her vocals but I despise her persona and look. If someone punched Kelly Clarkson in the face then spray tanned over the mess, you'd have Allison. I don't think this smurf has a chance of winning, but if you close your eyes, it's almost entertaining.
Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang "Ohh Baby Baby" and it was simply delightful. He's got a great vocal ability but there's something about his personality that says, "Bitch, I'll cut your ass up" that I don't appreciate. He seems a bit too smug for his own good. He needs to take some humble pie, roll it up into a dildo, ram it up his ass, and let that situation simmer. Simmer down, Snoopy!
Adam Lambert: Miss Thang sang "Tracks of My Tears" this week in celebration of Motown. Oh hey, it's motown...not MOtown! Was this performance sponsored by KY Jelly? Did someone kick the Kinsey Scale over with a dildo? Miss Lambert sure knows how to work that weave and this week, it was no different. His vocals are deliciously Queen-like (pick a queen, any queen) and I have high hopes for this gentlelady, but I don't think he has a chance of winning. Homegirl also needs to look into some serious air brushing because my imaginary 4WD almost got stuck in those massive pockmarks...or should we say...cockmarks. Sheesh!
Allison Iraheta: She performed "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and I'm very conflicted. I love her vocals but I despise her persona and look. If someone punched Kelly Clarkson in the face then spray tanned over the mess, you'd have Allison. I don't think this smurf has a chance of winning, but if you close your eyes, it's almost entertaining.
Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang "Ohh Baby Baby" and it was simply delightful. He's got a great vocal ability but there's something about his personality that says, "Bitch, I'll cut your ass up" that I don't appreciate. He seems a bit too smug for his own good. He needs to take some humble pie, roll it up into a dildo, ram it up his ass, and let that situation simmer. Simmer down, Snoopy!
Danny Gokey: Yes, I realize he's one of the favourites to win, but really, who wants to watch that tub of lard bounce his situation all over the stage. Do you want to see a Ruben Studdard Speedo ad? Well, I don't want to see a Danny Gokey anything ad. His interpretation of "Get Ready" was a little too karaoke for me. If he wins, his future is the way of silver fox non-ferocia, Taylor Hicks, which is essentially bleak and miserable.
Kris Allen: Ah, our precious little Jason Mraz wannabe...Miss Kris Allen sang "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved by You)" and it was heaven. Too bad his dumpy wife was there. Bitch has gotta have the biggest asshole on the planet to keep her man. "Oh hey honey, tonight we'll be having pot roast and anal. Oh thanks." He's certainly not the best vocalist out of the bunch, but his looks may take him to the finals. Now, that's the American way.
Lil Rounds: Anyone named Lil Rounds has got to be fierce and fabulous, and her weave delivered! Speaking of weave, where did all that hair come from? Loves it! Her rendition of "Heatwave" was soulful and beautiful. You know my situation was dancin around like a California Raisin! She's got solid talent but I'm not sure she's got enough charisma to win over America. Oh, and PS: get rid of those Claire's earrings...that's a hot tranny mess, Lil!
Matt Giraud: Yes! Yes! Yes! Gavin DeGraw, get that wig off and pass the torch, honey! There's a new Michael Bubbles in town! I am feelin it! Miss Matt sang "Let's Get It On" and the pantie creaming across America was palpable (and probably fucking smelly). The ladies, the mo's, they all love the Giraud! I see him as the underdog, bubbling with talent, who will slowly win over the hearts and groins of all Americans. He's genuine and humble. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Megan Joy: Oh what I wouldn't give to get a time machine and go back in time to slap her daddy's dong from her mama's beaver before conception! What is WITH this damn mess? Yes, she's pretty, but in a cheap porn star kind of way. She was the weird girl in high school who was pretty but dated the bad boy losers. Think Audrina Patridge, but more stupid. Wait, is that possible? Megan Misery sang "For Once In My Life" and to say it was atrocious would be the most severe understatement of the year. She has zero...I repeat, ZERO talent and the day this worthless beast is booted off the show, nationwide celebration will resonate. UGH!
Scott MacIntyre: I get it. We all feel bad. Homegirl's blind. Let's hear it for the boy. Whatever. Helen Keller sang "You Can't Hurry Love" and I want to say, "Girl, don't worry! No one will!". The pity vote can only last so long.
Kris Allen: Ah, our precious little Jason Mraz wannabe...Miss Kris Allen sang "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved by You)" and it was heaven. Too bad his dumpy wife was there. Bitch has gotta have the biggest asshole on the planet to keep her man. "Oh hey honey, tonight we'll be having pot roast and anal. Oh thanks." He's certainly not the best vocalist out of the bunch, but his looks may take him to the finals. Now, that's the American way.
Lil Rounds: Anyone named Lil Rounds has got to be fierce and fabulous, and her weave delivered! Speaking of weave, where did all that hair come from? Loves it! Her rendition of "Heatwave" was soulful and beautiful. You know my situation was dancin around like a California Raisin! She's got solid talent but I'm not sure she's got enough charisma to win over America. Oh, and PS: get rid of those Claire's earrings...that's a hot tranny mess, Lil!
Matt Giraud: Yes! Yes! Yes! Gavin DeGraw, get that wig off and pass the torch, honey! There's a new Michael Bubbles in town! I am feelin it! Miss Matt sang "Let's Get It On" and the pantie creaming across America was palpable (and probably fucking smelly). The ladies, the mo's, they all love the Giraud! I see him as the underdog, bubbling with talent, who will slowly win over the hearts and groins of all Americans. He's genuine and humble. Yes! Yes! Yes!
Megan Joy: Oh what I wouldn't give to get a time machine and go back in time to slap her daddy's dong from her mama's beaver before conception! What is WITH this damn mess? Yes, she's pretty, but in a cheap porn star kind of way. She was the weird girl in high school who was pretty but dated the bad boy losers. Think Audrina Patridge, but more stupid. Wait, is that possible? Megan Misery sang "For Once In My Life" and to say it was atrocious would be the most severe understatement of the year. She has zero...I repeat, ZERO talent and the day this worthless beast is booted off the show, nationwide celebration will resonate. UGH!
Scott MacIntyre: I get it. We all feel bad. Homegirl's blind. Let's hear it for the boy. Whatever. Helen Keller sang "You Can't Hurry Love" and I want to say, "Girl, don't worry! No one will!". The pity vote can only last so long.
