Did everyone catch the Anal Music Awards last night? There was so much lube flying that I'm surprised the entire arena didn't turn into a giant slip-n-slide! Is that the smell of failure? No, it's the smell of dirty used condoms and your jelly of choice. There were a few spectacular performances, and ALOT of hot messes. Let's break down the performances by prostate-tickling artists, shall we?Janet Jackson: For me, personally, it was heaven. JJ brought out the old classics, the Janet we love, and it was a dance party on my prostate. Sure she did some serious lip syncing and you could land a space shuttle on her ass, but we still love her! The dancing was a little lackluster but she worked that damn weave and she owned it!
Shakira: Ms. Columbia 1945 "sang" Give It Up To Me and the only way to sum it up is "epic failure". What was she thinking? The performance was a straight rip off Ms. Beyonce's VMA performance, and that song was beyond atrocious. I'd rather see fatties reenacting 2 Girls, 1 Cup then watch that hot mess again. Those hips lied.
Kelly Clarkson: Quarter Pounder with Clarkson sang Already Gone and it sounded amazing. If this was on the radio, you would have worked your weave along with her and balled your eyes out. HOWEVER, this shit was on the television situation. You know I love me some Kel Kel, but did homegirl deepthroat a damn moose? Is she vying for Adele's body double? Her hair was swept up and accented her seven chins, her makeup was bland, and that OUTFIT! She had some sort of studded situation happening on her fatty arm wrap and it was a total disaster. Are they casting for the next season of Celebrity Fit Club yet?
Jay-Z and Alicia Keys: New Yorrrrrkkkk! Ok ok, we get it...they've been milking the shit out of this song like a two bit epileptic hooker with a hand job problem. I enjoyed the re-imagination with the Sinatra situation but enough already.
Black Eyed Peas: How in the hell did BEP get such a big performance slot? There was so much going on in this hot mess that it was like staring at a hemorrhoid covered asshole and picking the biggest hot spot. Let's break down Fergie's new look. She all of a sudden is less Asian and more plastic. Was she hit in the face by a bat dripping in Botox? I will say, "Damn Gina, gimme the number of her surgeon" because Meth-head looked hot! And what about Will.I.Am? What exactly was happening with that weave? Did he tear it off an Elvis impersonator on Hollywood Blvd and glue that shit on his head? Oy to the vey. So they sang a collection of their new songs and it was as annoying as most of their performances generally are. I did enjoy the robots though, but really, who doesn't enjoy a dancing robot? Or should we rename them...MObots...?
Rihanna: Oh girlfriend. You know I love me some RiRi, but her performance of Wait Your Turn and Hard was simply unbearable. I would rather hit the KC pussy buffet than re-watch that mess. Let's start with the outfit. What exactly is happening here? It was like a futuristic hot mess is what's happening. And aren't you supposed to avoid horizontal stripes? I do enjoy her new blond weave and her makeup was flawless, but child, everything else was a MESS.
Lady Gaga: Crazytown sang her new single Bad Romance and new ballad Speechless and I was indeed speechless. Finally! An amazing performance! Sure, she's batshit crazy, but homeslice can SANG! Her outfit was typical of a hot mess in an insane asylum (nude and bones) but since you know she's looney tunes to start with, it works. Her voice was delicious and you just wanted to deepthroat this performance over and over. And swallow. That piano on fire was cute too.
Mary J. Blige: The Queen of Weaves worked it out with her new single I Am. She sounded amazing but let's be real, the performance was a bit boring next to the string of other ones. She should have brought out some Real Love and my bowels would have had a party like 1999.
Jennifer Lopez: J. Ho sang her new single Louboutins which I personally enjoyed. It's a cute club song. But girlfriend, let's talk about that performance. The boxing motif was so damn tired - the announcer, the robe, the ring - hot hot mess. And yes, the boom heard round the world, Miss Thang fell on that ass but child, there must have been springs in that meaty ass because she bounced right back into choreography. BOING!
Whitney Houston: OH MY LANTA! Miss Whitney shut the shit down with her performance of I Didn't Know My Own Strength...if strength was crack. She sounded pretty damn good considering her body is basically a pharmacy. Did anyone else think her wig was on a little crooked? And yes, she worked it so damn hard that the Whitney sweat was in full effect! I live for some good Whitney sweat! She tried to be as demure as possible but towards the end of the performance, the true Whitney came out and in your head, the Whitney who would scream "BOBBBBYYYYYYYYY" and do the doo on the eau de toilet was BACK! I can't wait for Ms. Whitney to go on tour. Dreams do come true, you mo's.
Alicia Keys: Ms. Alicia belted out Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart and honey, it was a HOT FUCKING MESS. Try sleeping with a broken ear drum! She had an atrocious outfit on that looked like a Michael Jackson stylist reject. The black jacket with gold chains...I mean, I don't fucking think so. Sure her voice was fine, but that damn song was not. They should play that performance in prisons across the country and you know some death row inmates will be begging to die.
Timbaland: When the hell did Miss Timbaland become such a tub of lard? He was workin that 50 inch waist like it was his job! And he sounded atrocious! And who the fuck is SoShy? And why did Nelly Furtado agree to be in this disaster situation? And why was I awake to see this mess? There are so many unanswered questions in the world. Why?
Adam Lambert: If you're weren't a flaming mo before watching this performance, you are one now! Trannybert sang For Your Entertainment and mo's across the country put down their cock rings and gallon sized lube buckets and their jaws dropped. It was like watching High School Musical after everyone got fisted. Trannybert sure thought he could really shock the fuck out of us with forced sexualization and in reality, it was tired and obvious. Watching it, you just thought, "Wow...he just ejaculated in the eye of his career". And it stings.
