The Hills

What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Watch. ?.

Did anyone else catch tonight's episode (and I use the term "episode" very loosely as it should truly be termed "video scraps from the edit room floor")? What a hot mess!

Let's start with our little vixen tart, Whitney, and all her backhanded questions to Lauren (before she knew she was off to gay Paris as well). "Have you been to Paris this time of year?". Oh. That was hot. It's nice that the two girls can gallivant to Paris together and see who can squeeze more Brie out of their vajayjays. So exciting! And let's chat about Audrina's French lessons contributions of "C'est la vie" and "Oui". When you hear Audrina speak, don't you always get reminded of some mentally challenged invalid who got hit by a truck and has some serious amnesia, causing her to re-learn the English language? She is just so damn Corky chic. Paiggeeeeee!

The Spencer and Heidi back and forth is truly ridiculous, fake, and unwatchable. Who cares about these two raging morons? Watching them fight and pick at each other is the equivalent of ass banging yourself with a cactus for 30 minutes straight. Painful! There's really nothing to say but if we want to play make believe, I suppose I'm happy that tits for brains Heidi has left Spencer so she can go back to Colorado and be with her people, to roam the fields with her fellow ponies, and eat shit from troughs.

You all know how I feel about Brody. Was his mother Summer's Eve? Someone smells like lemons and vinegar! Oh! It's Brody - you raging fucking douchbag. What is wrong with him? Why are guys in LA like this? Should we call him Brody's Eve?

Even worse than the show was the AFTER SHOW! Who watched this hot ass mess?

First of all, let's talk about the serious miscasting of those two hosts. Were they casted via two cans and some string? Who would think these two dolts were at all coherent, attractive, or presentable to the naked eye? Jessi (spelled like THAT) looks like a damn trannie. She is very TransAmerica chic. She's got a bulging 8 inches below the belt that just can't be tamed. And what about the boy? He looks like Fred Armisen after a night at OJ's house. Busted!

The entire "after show" was a complete disaster and shows that MTV is more out of touch with the "youth of today" than ever before. I think watching reruns of The Golden Girls has a stronger resonance with the kiddies today. The webcam thing? A hot mess. Choosing "Area" as the location? What? Was some other washed up lame club not available? A hot mess. Having a fake red carpet in a parking lot? A hot mess.

I think I need to go watch reruns of paint drying to regain some brain cells.