NKOTB

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh...Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh. Oh no...

That's right, party people, I had the...pleasure...of attending the New Kids on the Block show on Monday night and I'm still in a bit of shell shock of what I witnessed. Judging by the crowd, it was hard to tell if we were at Menopause The Musical or The Vagina Monologues or Lilith Fair or the gynocologist. I think by the end of the show, we were all on the same cycle. They weren't selling popcorn in the aisles, they were selling tampies! Oh hey Flow!

So NKOTB decided to reunite because they love playing music and wanted to do it for the fans...umm or they were sick of working at Foot Locker and wanted to make some quick cash. I will say the lads aged decently, well, except that hot tranny mess Danny Wood. Who let the dogs out? Woof woof woof woof woof! Someone certainly needs to look into some Triple Oxygen Treatments immediately. Homegirl looked like he's been working at a construction site for too long! Sunscreen, Wood!

What about Jonathan Knight? Ummm has he officially come out or is he just the 80's Clay Aiken? He's leading the parade but no one's paying attention. Poor Johnny! Get this man a double ended dildo...just don't call him your Cover Girl. Johnny was just not feelin it last night. His dance moves were a bit lackluster and you could tell him internal monologue was "Just keep dancing...I'm doing it for the money...Think about that gorgeous Tudor house you can buy with this money...I can finally move to a better neighborhood and get away from these clowns...OMG that beautiful ottoman will be mine soon...Hmmm did I douche this morning?...Ohh Joey is looking hot tonight...Oh don't stare too hard...Jordan might hit me again".

Speaking of Jordan, I think if you punch him in the gut, cheese whiz might come flying out of his ass. He's thinking it's still 1988 and it's acceptable to dance next to a wind machine with his shirt open. Even Boy George is saying, "That shit is gay". His vocals sounded good though, I'll give him that much.

And what about little Joey Wack? Babydoll is all grown up now! I think he soaked the most amount of panty liners last night. The ladies still love him! And what's not to love? He's still rockin the moves and is the most convincing of the five. You work that weave, Joey!

Last and certainly least, there's Ms. Donnie Wahlberg. Something is going on with his face. If you imagine Marky Mark and Axl Rose humping until something pooped out, it might be Donnie. Oh but he's so rough! Oh but he's so tough! Oh he's such a man! Um, right. The ladies sure do love him though. At one point, some tart tossed her (massive) black bra on stage which he immediately picked up...and sniffed. OMG that's fucking foul.

The show is certainly a spectacular of sorts. You don't have to like their music to be amused. It's a grand stage show with dancing, pyro, random whorish female backup dancers...the works.

A big shout out to Ms. Becky for hookin our weaves up!

The Killers

Ms. Erika and I had the pleasure of attending The Killers show at Hammerstein Ballroom and it was certainly...a situation. Let me start by saying that the band was amazing as usual. Mr. Brandon certainly has taken some Personality Classes and bounced around the stage like he forgot to turn his electronic dildo off. Oh hey prostate! They debuted new tracks from their upcoming album Day & Age and they were fantastic. A throwback to the first album, there are many fun electronic dance numbers to get your vulva's movin and groovin.

Now let me get down and dirty with the atrocious crowd and give you just a taste of what it was like. Imagine you're in a dorm room at some state college in Connecticut, frat boys abound, sorority sluts trading Valtrex prescriptions, and an influx of middle aged New Jersey gentlemen wearing ill fitting jeans with one nut out. That pretty much sums it up. It was simply horrifying times ten. North Face sporting frat goons were HIGH-FIVING each other after every song right in front of us. Somebody please explain this odd phenomenon to me. It often happens while watching sport events. People, you are not playing the game. You are not playing the songs. You have achieved nothing but downing another Bud Light to your ever expanding gut. Why, oh why, are you high-fiving each other? And then there were the hoards of sorority sisters doing their sexiest dances for the boys. They all had that glimmer in their eyes that said, "Oh boy, if you take me to a surf and turf dinner at Red Lobster, we can have anal later".

When The Killers do their full tour and come to your town, I highly recommend you get your tickets ASAP...but beware of the crowd. I suggest a full body condom for protection.

A big what-what to Ms. Erika for hookin my situation up!

Spotted

At 11PM on Saturday 05 October, we spotted Joshua Jackson and a very manorexic Diane Kruger having dinner next to us at Blue Ribbon Sushi. These two were ALL about the PDA and I wanted to turn around and yell "Ew sick!". He looked dashing in a suit and vest without the jacket and she looked like she embraced death with her last meal in 1982. I bet she spits in bed because she doesn't want the calories. Gross.

I can't believe I've seen Joshua and Katie all in one week. My tween self finally believes that dreams can come true!

Margaret Cho

Last night, Ms. Ethrina and I scurried ourselves to Radio City Music Hall to see the incomparable Margaret Cho. The crowd was a bit watered down from the usual audience of gays and even more gays, topped with more gays (Ha, topped!). But hark, what is this I see? Straight couples? Men in dinner jackets? Girls from New Jersey out for a night out on the town? Oh for the love of dildos, this is what happens when the Cho gets a mainstream TV show.

Before her set, YouTube sensation, Mr. Liam Sullivan, performed some odd routine with 2 videos and a live performance of Shoes. It was a little less than fierce and the majority of the audience busied themselves by checking their blackberries and giving each other prostate exams. Oh THERE it is. Beep beep beep!

However, as soon as Ms. Margaret took the stage, everyone around us was convulsing with laughter and small streams of urine trickled down the aisles. If you are a Republican (Ew! Really?), don't enjoy hearing Sarah Palin being referred to as a "dumb cunt", don't enjoy bathroom humor, don't enjoy explicit chatter of one's vagina and the wonders of female ejaculation, this Cho is probably not for you. For 90 minutes, Ms. Margaret enlightened her followers on all things gay and all things vaginal and it was heaven. As funny as the show was, we had the displeasure of sitting next to two Jersey whores that must have seen this show before, because they insisted on expelling the punchlines before Margaret delivered them. Ugh. Also, there was quite an odd (hetero) couple in front of us. Think conservative, Connecticut, only fucks missionary style types. I wrongly assumed that they were at this show because SHE dragged him along, but as the show progressed, it became strikingly clear that HE was the mega fan. The more he laughed at jokes about anal bleaching, the more uncomfortable she became and you could see the light go on in her head saying "OMG, my boyfriend is a total mo". This little side show was almost as entertaining as the situation on stage.

If any of you are fortunate enough to have Ms. Margaret come to your town on the Beautiful tour, I suggest you grab the closest whoremo and get thee to the show!

All My Sons

Last night, Ms. Mercedes and I had the pleasure of attending All My Sons and to be quite honest, it was amazing! Arthur Miller's formidable play has been transformed with 21st century technology and an all star cast that delivers like The Rabbit after a week in the desert. Oh hey flood!

Let's start with the big-crazy-alien-Scientologist-freak-in-the-room, Miss Katie Holmes. I wanted to be a hater. I wanted to rant on how her "performance" as Tom Cruise's beard is unbearable. I wanted to close my eyes tightly and relive scenes from Dawson's Creek when Joey Potter was not a total nutcase and I could stare with envy at James Van Der Beek's butt cut. Fuck, where is Paula Cole when you need her? Well, probably in a lesbian commune eating vaHEYHEY for dinner EVERY NIGHT. Wait, I got a bit off topic... Back to Katie, homegirl was shockingly very good! My friend pointed out that since she tends to overact in all the films she does, maybe that would actually translate well on stage...and it does! She wears a cute weave that gives her short hairdo some loveliness. She was actually quite pretty too, but much thinner than I remembered from my last encounter with her. Some old bitch in the bathroom line explained to her friend in a heavy Midwestern accent, "Now you see, thoseackkkkktresssses are always skinnier in person because they work in FILM". Thanks you dumpy ass cow.

The true stars of the show are Mr. John Lithgow and Ms. Dianne Wiest. I was a bit nervous because forever ingrained in my head of John is his portrayal of George Henderson in the 80's sitcom, Harry and the Hendersons. Oh hey Bigfoot! But homegirl was on motherfucking point last night in this dramatic turn. He reminds me of when Robin Williams plays a dramatic role and quite frankly, that shit was phenomenal. And Ms. Dianne Wiest was truly stunning. Her role as the tortured mother of this fucked up family was sensational and in fact, even better than her part in The Birdcage as Mrs. Keeley. Oh you sassy senator's wife!

And I know all you ladies and whoremo's are chomping at the bit about that beefcake, Patrick Wilson. Well, let me break it down for you. His acting was delicious blah blah blah....but you'll all be delighted to know that there is a completely gratuitous shirtless scene of him ho'ing out some fallen tree at the top of Act II. Bring your tissues to the show! You'll be leaking from both ends!

Overall, I definitely recommend you get your situations to this show immediately. Even though am I a bitter dirty smelly sticky sour cunt, I was genuinely impressed.