American Beaver / Beaver Idol

My little beavers, did you all watch Idol last night? What exactly happened? Why was it so horrifying? Did someone in the house indulge in overly excited anal and have to be rushed to the emergency room? Did everyone else have to go to the hospital and stay with him/her (oh, but y'all know who I'm talking about...) all night and console with words of sympathy like, "Don't worry, they can reconstruct your anal lining, dear"? The show was atrocious! Train wreck after train wreck...so let's begin.

Adam Lambert: Lady Lambert sang Play That Funky Music with all the zest of a new bottle of lube being cracked and squirted for the first time. Smells like Springtime! Yes, his vocals were impeccable and the judges loved him. However, one key question to ponder is, "Where exactly have Miss Lambert's testicles gone"? Did he make a necklace with them? Maybe a pendulum? Tick tock tick tock, what what!! I doubt Lady Lambert will win but he sure puts on a fine show. Mika would be proud.

Allison Iraheta: This freak show sang 90's anthem Don't Speak with the fervor of an angst teen who hangs out at the local bus depot smoking cloves and waxing philosophical with the town drunk. What was with her outfit? Was Hot Topic liquidating? Irritata tries too hard to mimic Hayley from Paramore and it's just a hot tranny mess. The vocals were fine but far too distracting was the miserable outfit and dumb young persona. Loser!

Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang Usher's Caught Up and it was simply a disaster. First of all, why would Snoop say that he's aspiring to be an R&B singer? He has no rhythm, no soul... he's more of an Indian Michael Bubbles. Croon, bitch! And that personality! He's still too smug for his own good. I don't think he has a chance of winning but we shall see.

Danny Gokey: Tub of Ugly sang What Hurts the Most and shockingly, I wasn't horrified. Yes, his appearance is a hot lardy mess and I am praying that all that Midwesterners aren't screaming, "Oh that precious Danny boy! He looks like cousin Clyde! I can relate! OMG! He's signing a Rascal Flatts song! I'm stupid and love country. Yeehaw!" Party beavers, we don't need another generic Taylor Hicks on our hands. Boring and over!

Kris Allen: Pantie creamer Miss Kris sang Ain't No Sunshine and a collective "OMG OMG OMG he's so hot!" was heard around the country. In the eyes of the tweens and mo's, Miss Kris can do no wrong...and I agree! His vocals are beautiful and he's got everything going for him except that landfill of a wife. I will also note that his weird pedo-stache was not cute and he needs to shave those five whiskers off pronto! Miss Kris, you're not edgy with facial hair! You just look 16. Do you have a learner's permit? I will make my official prediction now and say that Miss Kris will win the whole situation and if not, he'll be the one with a career.

Lil Rounds: The combination of Lil and Celine Dion should have been magic. When I heard she was singing a song by our favorite Canadian songstress, I was thinking Where Does My Heart Beat Now, The Power of Love, or It's All Coming Back To Me Now. It should have been the most glorious moment on recent television. BUT...what happened, Lil? I Surrender? Even MY weave doesn't know that song! Your performance wasn't cute. It didn't move me or my bowels. I was disappointed in you and your crazy ass wig. You're not in Pulp Fiction. Take that ridiculous situation off your head. Did you get it from the Gayle King collection? It's a mess. I expected more from you. Sigh...

Matt Girard: Mattycakes! What happened? Did you swallow a porcupine? What was with that garbled performance? My precious beaver Matt sang The Fray's You Found Me and it sounded like John Mayer with acid reflux. It was borderline painful. Now you all know I love my Mattycakes but this was not a cute situation. I hope he doesn't get booted tonight but it's not looking good.

Megan Joy: This stupid c-rag had the audacity to sing Bob Marley's Turn Your Lights Down Low and it was excruciatingly painful. The talentless hooker thought that the combination of her drone with a slow jam would equate magic, but unfortunately, I've seen used tampons give a better performance. Please remember, every vote for Megan Misery is a vote for inbred bullshit. Go home!

Scott MacIntyre: Helen Keller sang Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are. Can't you see hoards of fat frat boys swaying and singing along while guzzling some sort of champagne of beers? I will say I was surprised that it wasn't as horrifying as his usual performances but I am not giving him any sort of pity vote because he can't see that his new look just makes him look more like some Brian Krakow situation.

American Idol

My lovely lambs, a new season of American Idol is upon us and you know my weave has more than a few opinions on the losers and the bigger losers. Let's break down the remaining contestants, shall we?

Adam Lambert: Miss Thang sang "Tracks of My Tears" this week in celebration of Motown. Oh hey, it's motown...not MOtown! Was this performance sponsored by KY Jelly? Did someone kick the Kinsey Scale over with a dildo? Miss Lambert sure knows how to work that weave and this week, it was no different. His vocals are deliciously Queen-like (pick a queen, any queen) and I have high hopes for this gentlelady, but I don't think he has a chance of winning. Homegirl also needs to look into some serious air brushing because my imaginary 4WD almost got stuck in those massive pockmarks...or should we say...cockmarks. Sheesh!

Allison Iraheta: She performed "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and I'm very conflicted. I love her vocals but I despise her persona and look. If someone punched Kelly Clarkson in the face then spray tanned over the mess, you'd have Allison. I don't think this smurf has a chance of winning, but if you close your eyes, it's almost entertaining.

Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang "Ohh Baby Baby" and it was simply delightful. He's got a great vocal ability but there's something about his personality that says, "Bitch, I'll cut your ass up" that I don't appreciate. He seems a bit too smug for his own good. He needs to take some humble pie, roll it up into a dildo, ram it up his ass, and let that situation simmer. Simmer down, Snoopy!

Danny Gokey: Yes, I realize he's one of the favourites to win, but really, who wants to watch that tub of lard bounce his situation all over the stage. Do you want to see a Ruben Studdard Speedo ad? Well, I don't want to see a Danny Gokey anything ad. His interpretation of "Get Ready" was a little too karaoke for me. If he wins, his future is the way of silver fox non-ferocia, Taylor Hicks, which is essentially bleak and miserable.

Kris Allen: Ah, our precious little Jason Mraz wannabe...Miss Kris Allen sang "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved by You)" and it was heaven. Too bad his dumpy wife was there. Bitch has gotta have the biggest asshole on the planet to keep her man. "Oh hey honey, tonight we'll be having pot roast and anal. Oh thanks." He's certainly not the best vocalist out of the bunch, but his looks may take him to the finals. Now, that's the American way.

Lil Rounds: Anyone named Lil Rounds has got to be fierce and fabulous, and her weave delivered! Speaking of weave, where did all that hair come from? Loves it! Her rendition of "Heatwave" was soulful and beautiful. You know my situation was dancin around like a California Raisin! She's got solid talent but I'm not sure she's got enough charisma to win over America. Oh, and PS: get rid of those Claire's earrings...that's a hot tranny mess, Lil!

Matt Giraud: Yes! Yes! Yes! Gavin DeGraw, get that wig off and pass the torch, honey! There's a new Michael Bubbles in town! I am feelin it! Miss Matt sang "Let's Get It On" and the pantie creaming across America was palpable (and probably fucking smelly). The ladies, the mo's, they all love the Giraud! I see him as the underdog, bubbling with talent, who will slowly win over the hearts and groins of all Americans. He's genuine and humble. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Megan Joy: Oh what I wouldn't give to get a time machine and go back in time to slap her daddy's dong from her mama's beaver before conception! What is WITH this damn mess? Yes, she's pretty, but in a cheap porn star kind of way. She was the weird girl in high school who was pretty but dated the bad boy losers. Think Audrina Patridge, but more stupid. Wait, is that possible? Megan Misery sang "For Once In My Life" and to say it was atrocious would be the most severe understatement of the year. She has zero...I repeat, ZERO talent and the day this worthless beast is booted off the show, nationwide celebration will resonate. UGH!

Scott MacIntyre: I get it. We all feel bad. Homegirl's blind. Let's hear it for the boy. Whatever. Helen Keller sang "You Can't Hurry Love" and I want to say, "Girl, don't worry! No one will!". The pity vote can only last so long.

The City

And so it begins, another quasi real / mostly fake reality show starring The Hills' fourth lead, Whitney Port, and as expected, it's a hot tranny mess...but actually fairly entertaining (in the same way it's entertaining to watch a dog take a giant shit then sniff it...).

The double header premiere tells the story of young Whitney Port, a clueless imbecile from LA who ventures to the "big city" to start her career in fashion. She somehow shares a fabulous apartment and gets a job at DVF (Thanks MTV!) but whoa is me, she somehow gets tied up in a battle of the Upper East Side elite and the dirty hipsters downtown! What's a girl to do?!? On top of it, 2 total douche bag morons are fighting for her attention! She's not used to the double ended dildo, people.

Let's break down the cast one by one, shall we?

Whitney Port: She's the protagonist of the show and I will admit, I do like her more than LC in The Hills. She's got a bit more spunk and legs for days. Her eyes aren't quite as wonky as her former cast mates and I think it's reassuring that she put out so quickly on her first date with Jay. It's not sex if it's anal! Work it out! She gives average looking girls across the country hope that one day then can move to NYC and get a fabulous job and crabs.

Erin: This annoying twat plays the same role that Whitney did in The Hills. She's totally useless and just asks questions to drive plot. And enough with the fucking bangs! When will this trend pass? Her wig is a mess.

Olivia: Ahhh another snobby Upper East Side socialite who takes great pleasure in "working" at DVF. She's a complete cunt and you know what that means...I love her! She's essentially the NYC version of Lo Bosworth. I need to befriend her immediately. She has become the show's villain as she schemes and gives long stares at the new horse in town. She'll cut a bitch so watch out, Whitney! PS: Why is her cousin such a raging fat slob? Lypo, party of 1...check!

Jay: Let's see here...if you mix equal parts of LA douche bag, massive tool, total teabag, and add an Aussie accent to spice, you have Jay! With his mouth closed, he's bearable. With it open, you'd rather listen to your own vibrator go off at a trip to your grandparents' house than the sound of his annoying situation. What exactly is wrong with him? If he sticks his head up your ass, do you smell like flowers? How can one singular person exude such ability to douche? Is he having a douche-off with Brody Jenner? I just don't understand. Regardless, he is one of the leading men vying for Miss Whitney's attention. Girl, don't forget, Herpes are forever and puss will stain those cute skirts you wear...so honey, beware!

Adam: Homegirl is another massive tool. I suppose I wouldn't mind seeing him and Jay have a sword fight (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, squirt) but again, when this lady opens his mouth, it's all over. He should keep his mouth shut and his shirt off.

Twilight

It's a sensation. It's a phenomenon. It's some English hotness prancing around pretending to be a vampire. And the kiddies are going crazy for it. Panty liners are turning into eclairs. Everyone is yelling, "Edward, you can suck my...". Let's discuss.

Yes, I finally made it to see the much buzzed about "Twilight" and to be honest, it was a hot mess...in a good way! Oh hey between the legs! My expectations were low as all the book fanatics were disappointed by the screen adaptation, but as an ignorant bastard, I was thoroughly entertained! In a nutshell, dumpy girl moves to a dumpy town. Dumpy girl falls for the town freak. Town freak is actually a vampire. They fall in love but he's scared he'll suck her blood. Action action action. The guy from the OC dies. The end.

Let's also talk about the Robert Pattinson situation, now to be renamed Pattycakes. Yes, you all knew him as Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and now, throngs of women and gays across the world will know him as something to finger themselves to. Let's give them something to finger about! Bonnie Raitt should remake that song for the sequel. Pattycakes plays the lead male role as Edward Cullen and who the hell knows what was going on in this movie because it was gratuitous glamour shot after glamour shot. Let's hope this limber lad doesn't end up a Hollywood hot mess. If I see him going to Les Deux with Kim Kardashian or befriending Speidi at The Ivy, I will dress up as Lindsay Lohan and go muff diving on Sammy. Oh hell no! Also, the makeup artist on this movie should be dragged into the street and stoned repeatedly. What was she/he thinking? All that white face sludge...1-800-THAT-WAS-NOT-SUBTLE. After every scene, they should have chyron'ed "Sponsored by MAC and every hot tranny mess this side of Wichita". WTF. Let me also mention that Pattycakes' daddy was played by none other than Peter Facinelli. Don't know who he is? Um excuse me but he played a crucial role in classic American cinema...You may remember him as MIKE DEXTER from Can't Hardly Wait. You know what this means...I am becoming an old fucking bag when my youth's reference points are now playing "the parent role". Does this mean I can't suck on lollipops and dance around in my room to Britney Spears? You can all suck it...I'm still doing it. You may be resistant, but just put it in your mouth and go see this movie. You'll thank my crumpets later.

Election Day

Happy Election Day! You know my weave don't wait in line for shit, but I was there, bright and early, and stood in line for THREE hours like a common prostitute so I could finally pull the big red lever. Oh hey!!! All you democrats out there should be doing the same. All you republicans can go fuck yourselves.

Obama-rama commences tonight. Get ready.

NKOTB

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh...Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh. Oh no...

That's right, party people, I had the...pleasure...of attending the New Kids on the Block show on Monday night and I'm still in a bit of shell shock of what I witnessed. Judging by the crowd, it was hard to tell if we were at Menopause The Musical or The Vagina Monologues or Lilith Fair or the gynocologist. I think by the end of the show, we were all on the same cycle. They weren't selling popcorn in the aisles, they were selling tampies! Oh hey Flow!

So NKOTB decided to reunite because they love playing music and wanted to do it for the fans...umm or they were sick of working at Foot Locker and wanted to make some quick cash. I will say the lads aged decently, well, except that hot tranny mess Danny Wood. Who let the dogs out? Woof woof woof woof woof! Someone certainly needs to look into some Triple Oxygen Treatments immediately. Homegirl looked like he's been working at a construction site for too long! Sunscreen, Wood!

What about Jonathan Knight? Ummm has he officially come out or is he just the 80's Clay Aiken? He's leading the parade but no one's paying attention. Poor Johnny! Get this man a double ended dildo...just don't call him your Cover Girl. Johnny was just not feelin it last night. His dance moves were a bit lackluster and you could tell him internal monologue was "Just keep dancing...I'm doing it for the money...Think about that gorgeous Tudor house you can buy with this money...I can finally move to a better neighborhood and get away from these clowns...OMG that beautiful ottoman will be mine soon...Hmmm did I douche this morning?...Ohh Joey is looking hot tonight...Oh don't stare too hard...Jordan might hit me again".

Speaking of Jordan, I think if you punch him in the gut, cheese whiz might come flying out of his ass. He's thinking it's still 1988 and it's acceptable to dance next to a wind machine with his shirt open. Even Boy George is saying, "That shit is gay". His vocals sounded good though, I'll give him that much.

And what about little Joey Wack? Babydoll is all grown up now! I think he soaked the most amount of panty liners last night. The ladies still love him! And what's not to love? He's still rockin the moves and is the most convincing of the five. You work that weave, Joey!

Last and certainly least, there's Ms. Donnie Wahlberg. Something is going on with his face. If you imagine Marky Mark and Axl Rose humping until something pooped out, it might be Donnie. Oh but he's so rough! Oh but he's so tough! Oh he's such a man! Um, right. The ladies sure do love him though. At one point, some tart tossed her (massive) black bra on stage which he immediately picked up...and sniffed. OMG that's fucking foul.

The show is certainly a spectacular of sorts. You don't have to like their music to be amused. It's a grand stage show with dancing, pyro, random whorish female backup dancers...the works.

A big shout out to Ms. Becky for hookin our weaves up!

The Killers

Ms. Erika and I had the pleasure of attending The Killers show at Hammerstein Ballroom and it was certainly...a situation. Let me start by saying that the band was amazing as usual. Mr. Brandon certainly has taken some Personality Classes and bounced around the stage like he forgot to turn his electronic dildo off. Oh hey prostate! They debuted new tracks from their upcoming album Day & Age and they were fantastic. A throwback to the first album, there are many fun electronic dance numbers to get your vulva's movin and groovin.

Now let me get down and dirty with the atrocious crowd and give you just a taste of what it was like. Imagine you're in a dorm room at some state college in Connecticut, frat boys abound, sorority sluts trading Valtrex prescriptions, and an influx of middle aged New Jersey gentlemen wearing ill fitting jeans with one nut out. That pretty much sums it up. It was simply horrifying times ten. North Face sporting frat goons were HIGH-FIVING each other after every song right in front of us. Somebody please explain this odd phenomenon to me. It often happens while watching sport events. People, you are not playing the game. You are not playing the songs. You have achieved nothing but downing another Bud Light to your ever expanding gut. Why, oh why, are you high-fiving each other? And then there were the hoards of sorority sisters doing their sexiest dances for the boys. They all had that glimmer in their eyes that said, "Oh boy, if you take me to a surf and turf dinner at Red Lobster, we can have anal later".

When The Killers do their full tour and come to your town, I highly recommend you get your tickets ASAP...but beware of the crowd. I suggest a full body condom for protection.

A big what-what to Ms. Erika for hookin my situation up!