American Beaver / Beaver Idol

My little beavers, did you all watch Idol last night? What exactly happened? Why was it so horrifying? Did someone in the house indulge in overly excited anal and have to be rushed to the emergency room? Did everyone else have to go to the hospital and stay with him/her (oh, but y'all know who I'm talking about...) all night and console with words of sympathy like, "Don't worry, they can reconstruct your anal lining, dear"? The show was atrocious! Train wreck after train wreck...so let's begin.

Adam Lambert: Lady Lambert sang Play That Funky Music with all the zest of a new bottle of lube being cracked and squirted for the first time. Smells like Springtime! Yes, his vocals were impeccable and the judges loved him. However, one key question to ponder is, "Where exactly have Miss Lambert's testicles gone"? Did he make a necklace with them? Maybe a pendulum? Tick tock tick tock, what what!! I doubt Lady Lambert will win but he sure puts on a fine show. Mika would be proud.

Allison Iraheta: This freak show sang 90's anthem Don't Speak with the fervor of an angst teen who hangs out at the local bus depot smoking cloves and waxing philosophical with the town drunk. What was with her outfit? Was Hot Topic liquidating? Irritata tries too hard to mimic Hayley from Paramore and it's just a hot tranny mess. The vocals were fine but far too distracting was the miserable outfit and dumb young persona. Loser!

Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang Usher's Caught Up and it was simply a disaster. First of all, why would Snoop say that he's aspiring to be an R&B singer? He has no rhythm, no soul... he's more of an Indian Michael Bubbles. Croon, bitch! And that personality! He's still too smug for his own good. I don't think he has a chance of winning but we shall see.

Danny Gokey: Tub of Ugly sang What Hurts the Most and shockingly, I wasn't horrified. Yes, his appearance is a hot lardy mess and I am praying that all that Midwesterners aren't screaming, "Oh that precious Danny boy! He looks like cousin Clyde! I can relate! OMG! He's signing a Rascal Flatts song! I'm stupid and love country. Yeehaw!" Party beavers, we don't need another generic Taylor Hicks on our hands. Boring and over!

Kris Allen: Pantie creamer Miss Kris sang Ain't No Sunshine and a collective "OMG OMG OMG he's so hot!" was heard around the country. In the eyes of the tweens and mo's, Miss Kris can do no wrong...and I agree! His vocals are beautiful and he's got everything going for him except that landfill of a wife. I will also note that his weird pedo-stache was not cute and he needs to shave those five whiskers off pronto! Miss Kris, you're not edgy with facial hair! You just look 16. Do you have a learner's permit? I will make my official prediction now and say that Miss Kris will win the whole situation and if not, he'll be the one with a career.

Lil Rounds: The combination of Lil and Celine Dion should have been magic. When I heard she was singing a song by our favorite Canadian songstress, I was thinking Where Does My Heart Beat Now, The Power of Love, or It's All Coming Back To Me Now. It should have been the most glorious moment on recent television. BUT...what happened, Lil? I Surrender? Even MY weave doesn't know that song! Your performance wasn't cute. It didn't move me or my bowels. I was disappointed in you and your crazy ass wig. You're not in Pulp Fiction. Take that ridiculous situation off your head. Did you get it from the Gayle King collection? It's a mess. I expected more from you. Sigh...

Matt Girard: Mattycakes! What happened? Did you swallow a porcupine? What was with that garbled performance? My precious beaver Matt sang The Fray's You Found Me and it sounded like John Mayer with acid reflux. It was borderline painful. Now you all know I love my Mattycakes but this was not a cute situation. I hope he doesn't get booted tonight but it's not looking good.

Megan Joy: This stupid c-rag had the audacity to sing Bob Marley's Turn Your Lights Down Low and it was excruciatingly painful. The talentless hooker thought that the combination of her drone with a slow jam would equate magic, but unfortunately, I've seen used tampons give a better performance. Please remember, every vote for Megan Misery is a vote for inbred bullshit. Go home!

Scott MacIntyre: Helen Keller sang Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are. Can't you see hoards of fat frat boys swaying and singing along while guzzling some sort of champagne of beers? I will say I was surprised that it wasn't as horrifying as his usual performances but I am not giving him any sort of pity vote because he can't see that his new look just makes him look more like some Brian Krakow situation.