American Idol

My little beavers, apologies for not posting last week, but this socialite has been on the MOVE! Let's just say we all knew blind boy of Alabama, or wherever the fuck he was from, was gonna get the boot. We all saw that one coming...well, all of us but poor Scottie. I think more people were interested in his David Chokachi-lookin brother than Mr. Keller. 1-800-PANTRY CREAMER.

Last night's performances were mildly entertaining, at best. And honestly, who the fuck picked the theme? It was like a Bryan Adams circle jerk. And what exactly was happening with Ms. Quentin's weave? He looks like a pedophile's retarded brother who teaches English at the local community college. My prediction is that if Lil Rounds gets the boot tonight, they'll let her wig go. However, if it's anyone else, they'll use the stupid "save". Whatever, let's get started.

Adam Lambert: Lady Lambert sang Born to be Wild and it was a Pete Wentz spectacle. I'm surprised he didn't leave a trail of lube as Miss Thang bounced around the stage like he forgot to turn his vibrating dildo off. Work! To be honest, his performance was magnificent. He has amazing vocals and as Paula would slur, "GRRLLL, you can sang the phone book and I would love it!". This lady will definitely be in the top 2, but will he win? Most ladies and mo's hope so, but I think those people in the middle might not like his Bravo TV loving ways.

Allison Iraheta: Now you all know I can't really deal with her weave. The stupid punky red situation just looks like a dirty tampon on her head and honey, it ain't cute. However, she sang I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing and I didn't hate it! Maybe I had something in my ears (Oh child, YOU know...) but it was actually, dare I say, totally pleasant! I think the raspy voice works with this song and if I didn't have to look at her horrifying face, I might have REALLY enjoyed it! Ok, enough pleasantries...this porker won't win so why bother.

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Anoop Desai: I don't understand the fascination. He's so smug and gross and his persona just reeks of some douche that says "I got you, boo". No, Anoop, you don't have me. Your performance of Everything I Do was an abomination of the original which was essentially an abomination of a dirty diaper. Go home, loser!

Danny Gokey: Miss Gokey lost the glasses last night but it didn't help! Our favorite tub of fun bounded about and sang Endless Love , no doubt while picturing a plate of donuts. Mmmm bear claws. America loves him because he's fat and reminds them of their cousin Ralph who was so sweet in high school but could never find a date. He sat at home on a Saturday night, curled up with a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of, ahem, hand lotion. Free toppings! Ew sick. I hope this hog doesn't make it to the finals.

Kris Allen: I mean, seriously. Was there a dry crotch in the house? I think not. Miss Kris sang Falling Slowly and it was simply divine intervention. It was gorgeously performed and I loved every second. But what the FUCK is up with his wife? A white t-shirt under a frumpy sun dress? This is American Idol, ho...not What Not to Wear. Let' s send Miss Kris to the finals! Work that weave!

Lil Rounds: Oh NO. Lil?! What is going on? You're sucking harder than a tranny hooker in a recession. I don't understand. You seriously picked The Rose as your song choice? Were all the Carpenters songs taken? It makes no sense. This might be the end of the line for you, my dear. Pack that wig glue up. You're done.

Matt Giraud: My precious peanut, Matt, sang Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman and it was a pitiful mess. You know I love the soulful Gavin DeGraw situation he's got going on, but this performance was off key and a total debacle. Miss Matt and his mole are probably going to be in the bottom 3 tonight. It's becoming painfully clear that he won't win this competition but look on the bright side, he might release a sex tape in the future. Actually, who the fuck would want to see that? Actually, we all do.