The bitch is back

Yes, yes, I know. I have been an absent weave but it's not my fault! This hair piece has been busy! Now you know I don't discuss my "work life", but let's just say I was in Brooklyn doing a show last week but more importantly, spent 2 days admiring Ms. Beyonce's weave from up close. That ain't synthetic! I wonder how many small Cambodian children had to be shaved for that situation. The answer? More than Angelina can adopt!

The end of the week was a big fat cock of a blur. Work, sleep, work, Grey's Anatomy, sleep, work my weave, sleep. The weekend was quite a delight however as I attended Ms. Jen and Ms. Leah's Halloween fiesta at King Size on Saturday night. My creation of Maddox Jolie-Pitt fell through last minute and I dressed up as, well, nothing. After a few hundred well deserved adult cocktails, we rolled over to Stanton Social to gawk at potential investors (and by investors, I mean...well...I'm the stock and something's rising...Ka-ching!). We ended the evening at The Back Room and by 3AM, this weave was on it's way home. Sunday was a lovely shopping day in Soho with Ms. Kelly. We had a tasty dinner at Otto (where we spotted a sweatsuit laden Ivaka Trump) and had a little Sunday fun-day drinky drink time at Underbar before we retired.

Weekend Weaving

The weather is mild and tasty, yet still a bit too warm for my liking. Where are my low 60's at? Sweater weather, please! Last night, I met up with Ms. Carrie and Ms. Kelly at Bar Veloce for more than several glasses of wine before we rolled to a singles only party at Ms. Carrie's co-worker's home. After some more alcoholic consumption, we checked out the scene at The Bubble Lounge before going to Taylor. There's quite a cute bar downstairs and I'm strongly considering it for this year's Schmooze and Booze - November 13 - Mark your calendars and anuses! Mr. Evan came to meet us then we zipped up to Bugalow only to be wildly mortified by the packed 3AM crowd of New Jersey whores with rugburn on their cheeks and not so fresh vajayjays. I soon made my exit and here are we on a gorgeous Sunday...and I'm at the office. Awesome.

Is it Summer?

Are you in NYC? If so, then you'll understand my dilemma. It's indeed mid-October, yet the heat, humidity, and rain outside is makin my crazy ass weave think it's Summer! Al Gore, what what? Global warming? I can't hear you...but apparently my weave can! Sheesh! Where did my delicious Autumn weather go?

Yes indeed, my friends, this weave has been a busy one. Wednesday night saw the arrival of Ms. AJ back to NYC and we had a celebratory fete at Otto, complete with 3 bottles of rose-eh-eh and some tasty fare.

Last night, we had a gorgeous dinner at Rosa Mexicano (Thanks Ms. Lisa and Ms. Liz!) before we wandered over to Irving Plaza to see our Southern belles, Mutemath. If you like stadium rock with some Southern panache, you will love Mutemath. We said hello to the lads after the show then I went to the Blender Theater with Ms. Khadija, Mr. Isaac, and Ms. Jen to see new Brit sensation, Air Traffic, play as part of the CMJ Festival. The crowd was hipstery college kids with too much spandex and not enough common sense. There were more visible balls than a Christmas tree would allow. Have you heard of accidental teabagging? Watch where you swing those, mister!

Since You've Been Gone

I know I know...my weave is late in posting. It's been some crazy hectic shit these days. Working is for the birds and all I can say these days are "chirp mother fuckin chirp".

Let's see...Ms. Annie and I had a tasty dinner at Spice on Friday night before attending the Klaxons' show at Webster Hall. Apparently I love to hit up Webster on Friday nights to relive my college days and chill out with fat college girls. The crowd wasn't as horrendous as the Mark Ronson crowd...but any minute, I thought Stacey and Clinton would pop in and yell, "You've been selected to be on What Not to Wear because you're a heinous bitch!". That would be classic. The show was run of the mill and my weave wasn't very impressed.

Saturday was a brunch and shopping extravaganza with Ms. Berna. We worked our weaves at Jane through some deliciousness then strolled around Soho until our limbs gave up. The rest of the weekend was spent making sweet sweet love to my couch. We're really the new it couple. In fact, the blogs are calling us "Frouch". That's the hotness.

Last night, Ms. Berna and I met up at the Beacon Theatre to dance our hearts out to Mr. Jon McLaughlin and Ms. Kelly Clarkson (Thanks Christine!). It was quite the dance party, although the crowd was reminiscent of Roosevelt Field on a Sunday afternoon. Suburban and frightening, with a dash of Long Island gays. Post show, we met up with Ms. Mindy and had a gorgeous late night meal at Citrus then I cabbed straight home and retired my old ass weave.

Tardy Tardy

Hey you cocksuckers. Immense apologies for being so lackadaisical about posting lately but girl, this weave has been busy, ya heard?! Let's see...

Sunday night, Ms. Kelly and I had a tasty dinner, and more importantly, deepthroated a lovely bottle of wine at Otto before heading over to The Spotted Pig for more cocktails, and eventually ending at Dublin before passing out. Monday night, I had a gorgeous dinner with Ms. Shelby at The Odeon to catch up on all things high school. Holla at the past! Tuesday night, Ms. Sara from London, Ms. Sara from NY, Ms. Carrie, Mr. Abby and I had a lovely pow wow at Balthazar's. Nothing like some sensual French fare and chatter about foreskin, travelling, people we don't like, and other general luxuries in life to spice up a Tuesday night. Yesterday was a big ol hot mess. As you know, I don't give details about my "work life" but let's just say I was in NEW JERSEY all day, working my weave for a show with THE BOSS. Honey, he's not the boss of me, but there you have it.

Marky Mark

Last night, a bunch of us went to Webster Hall for the Mark Ronson show and honey, it was a hot mess. Let me think of the best way to describe the crowd. Imagine there's a Sadie Hawkins dance at NYU and only the fat girls went and took their ambiguously unattractive gay friends. Throw in some straight guys from Long Island who think Tiesto is "the shit" and there you have it. Basically everyone was a total dump truck and about 19 years old. Seriously.

Mark was fine although homeslice has a bit of the Madonnas. He would sort of weave in and out of some Eminem inspired vernacular (girl, you know what I mean) then all of a sudden be more British than his own foreskin. It was quite odd.

Since Marky Mark doesn't sing, he brought out a slue of including the infamous Daniel Merriweather, Alex Greenwald, Santo Gold, and some other losers. The show was fine but not ass tingling good.

I am hip hop.

Last night was a frenzy at Hip Hop Honors held at the Hammerstein Ballroom. I worked my weave at the red carpet catching glimpses of all the hip hop royalty, then proceeded to the first mezzanine for some lovely open bar and tasty appetizers. The Missy tribute was totally heaven and features some amazing performances. The rest of the show happened, but I was much more involved with my vodka Sprites to notice. Check it out on VH1 Monday 10/8.

A gaggle of us rolled to the afterparty at Providence for some more free drinks and a mini dance party. The VIP room was full of all our D-list friends: Salt N Pepa, Kerry Washington, Tweet, and Ice T and his fun bags, Coco. A total scene. The Surreal Life...come to life!

Gossip Girl Roundup

Now, I don't know how much longer I can watch this show. It's essentially the mental equivalent of trying to imagine cock being shoved into Ann Coulter's far too tight vajayjay. Impossible to deal with! However, I did catch last night's bewitching episode so let's hit it.

The basic premise is that it's Ivy Week and everyone's gunning for their choice of Ivy schools. Poor Brooklyn captive, Dan (Oh he's SO out of OUR world...) is the second in his class but when he doesn't get the coveted title of Dartmouth, Ms. Thing throws a hissy fit like no other and it takes a little pushing from Daddy to work it out so he can attend the event. Dan's just so damn pissed that all the rich kids get everything they want because of their families' influences and privilege. Wah Wah Wah! Shove a dildo in your ass. I think you're done.

Blair and Serena are still cock fighting and there's quite an intense scene of physical beat downs when they're playing field hockey. Speaking of field hockey, when the hell did those two become fierce carpet munchers? They might as well fight a double ended field hockey stick and pump-pump-pump it up! Speaking of all things gay, we also learn that Blair's father is a raging homo and has shacked up with a 31 year old model. Jim McGreevey called. He wants his boytoy back.

And finally, we find out that Serena's brother, Eric, is a total wack job and tried to kill himself a few months previous. He's checked into a "home for the disturbed and addicted" and Blair works her cunt to try to ruin Serena when spotting her entering the home. Did anyone else wonder how the actor playing Eric got casted? The kid is seriously borderline Special Olympian and any minute, he might yell "I got it" as he runs in circles grabbing his own ass. The casting director needs to be fired.

The final act was totally retarded (like, seriously, Corky-style) and Serena and Blair reconciled. Why would they make up so early in the season? Someone better blow someone's else boyfriend STAT to move things along.

And now I need to dunk my head in the toilet and flush repeatedly to get all these worthless facts out of my head.

The Hills Recap

This week's episode was totally heaven, wasn't it? Totally fake, and totally awesome!

First, I have now come to realize Ms. Lauren's diet technique! She surrounds herself with other chunky blond girls and therefore makes herself to be the skinniest of the bunch. I shall cite Lo and newcomer, Jill, as examples. There was literally no reason, and no previous mention ever, of Jill before, but lo and behold (Lo and behold...haha!), there was Ms. Weight Watchers Dropout 2007 in a bathing suit cuddling it up with Lauren and Lo in a big chair by the pool! Well done, Lauren! You now only look about 650 pounds. Slim as ever.

This week's episode spotlighted some of THE biggest douchebags of all time. If your vajayjay was feeling a little musty and unclean, I bet it sparkled after this episode! Let's start with Brody. W. T. F. He was somewhat bearable in previous episodes, but this week, his inner douche came out and the smell of lemons and vinegar filled the air. Why are guys from LA like this? It's definitely a weird phenomenon that should be studied immediately. Screw global warming! Al Gore should be doing documentaries on douchebags from LA! They're greatly effecting the world.

Another nominee in the douchebag category? Our homegirl, Spencer! Hey boo - What's up with the chin pubes? You look ridiculous. Did you eat out Ms. Heidi after she missed a waxing and get inspired? So sick. We're over it.

But of course the biggest douche of them all? Indeed, the award goes to Justin Bobby. He was such a prick to the ladies and is generally horrendous. When he was waiting for them at curbside check-in, he was rocking back and forth furiously and looked nuts. Is Jenny McCarthy his mom?!? (Sidenote: Has anyone been catching the Jenny McCarthy / Holly Robinson Peete autism press tour?! Is this what their careers have come to?)

Let's talk about Elodie, who because of her increasing mouse-like appearance, we will now call Ms. Fivel. It's an American Tale, honey! Ms. Fivel was totally conniving and bitchy and it was heaven. She backstabbed Heidi by not showing up to the "big event". Obviously it was completely set up and fake, but I was certainly salivating and loving every second.

There was also a lot of making out on this week's episode. Brodie and Lauren - who cares, right? But Frankie (an honorable mention in his douching capabilities) and Lo? It was like two heffers in a mud slop! Oink oink, bitches!

Manic Monday

Is it really Monday already? Where has the weekend gone? I had dinner with Ms. Simone and Ms. Kelly at Dekk in Tribeca on Friday night. I recommend it like I recommend masturbating with a rusty nail in your vajayjay! Don't go there, honey! The food was not good, and in fact, it was disgusting. The atmosphere was cute but not worth the indigestion. Afterwards, we strolled to The Tribeca Grand for drinks at Xavi's birthday soiree. I, unfortunately, could not stay long since I had to "work" on Saturday so I rolled my buns home at 1AM and called it a night.

Saturday was a hot mess as I was dragged myself to Greenpoint on a shoot with Ms. Tracy Morgan. After being on set for 11 hours, I went home, relaxed my weave, had some dinner, and passed out. Sunday was a lovely day of shopping galore. I had to restock on my beauty products and am currently loving the new moisturizing gel from La Mer. Yes, when you open up the bottle and rub it on your face, it looks suspiciously like you're starring in cheap porn and just "took one for the team", but honey, it works wonders and I am certainly moist. I met up with Ms. Kelly for some delightful fare at Balthazar's and had one drink at 60 Thompson before heading home.

This morning I had a quick interview with Debbie Harry and now I'm cursing to myself that it's only Monday.