Wednesday, March 19, 2008

American Idol

Yes, I've been a bit behind (girl, when am I not!) in my American Idol commentary on this season 7 but let's work this shit out now, shall we?

So we're down to the top 11 and honey, there are some hot tranny ass situations remaining.  Let's begin with the shit talking breakdown.

Ramiele Malubay:  This dumb ass Asian slutbag is about as talented as a happy ending given by a blind bus driver holding sandpaper.  Painful, sore, and not a good look.  Her vocal abilities are so weak that if she was even allow to sing karaoke in a seedy bar in Chinatown, too many liberties would be taken.  You know she's getting kicked off soon...hopefully tonight!

Kristy Lee Cook: Were her parents siblings because she is a hot deformed mess!  How did she even make it to the top 24/12/11?  She's probably a toothless slut who takes her grill out before working it as the town glory hole.  She is probably the least talented person on this show and her country renditions of various musical numbers make me want to bend over in front of a wrecking ball.

Chikezie: You have got to be kidding me.  Who let Wayne Brady on this show?  I mean, his freaking name is Chikezie?  Oh and my name is FreakEasy.  Isn't he so incredibly cheesy? Maybe he can get booked to perform in one of those awful music revues at a Midwestern amusement park.  Next!

Syesha: She's got the potential.  She's beautiful and has boobies for days, but I just don't think America will give a shit.  Not even a small dollop of diarrhea-hea-hea-hea.  Her voice is very mediocre and she has the presence of a blank slate.  Not a winner.  

Now let's talk about some people with talent!

Amanda Overmyer:  Tranny.  Tranny.  Hot Mess.  Tranny.  Hot Mess.  Yes indeed, her appearance reminds us of what drag queens shudder to think they may look like, but that voice is fabulous.  It's rich and soulful and she can belt out those tunes with some masculine grace. She won't win, but I think she's got a talent.

Brooke White:  Oh isn't she just so damn sweet?  You could shove a chainsaw in her ass and she'd cock her head to left, smile, and tell you how appreciative she is that you thought to pleasure her rectum.  Yes, I suppose she's annoyingly nice but she had me since her audition when she gorgeously sang the Corinne Bailey Rae's Like a Star".  I'm a fan, although I'm not so sure if she's going to win.  She's got some serious crow's feet that my friend La Mer would say "Oh HELL no!" to.    

Carly Smithson: I do indeed like this Irish export, even more so than foreskin!  She's got a fabulously rich voice and lovely range but there's something about her that makes me think she won't win.  She's so Kimberly Locke circa 7 years ago, ya feelin my shit?  

David Cooke: Hey Chris Daughtry!  I think I found your butt plug and his name is David Cooke! He's such a cornball wannabe rocker, but there's something endearing about Ms. Cookies.  I will say that his weave is some wack ass shit and he needs to re-coif that bitch.  Again, not sure if he has any potential to win but I do indeed like his sound.

David Archuleta: Girls gone wild?  No!  Mormons gone gay!  MoMo has an amazing voice and is commonly known to be the front runner of this competition.  I just wonder if America is ready for another fanatic closet case.  Let's bring our attention to the Gayken.  Another flaming Bible beating lad who likes lads and his ass came in second place to Ruben Studdard.  Sorry 2004 but the mo's just might not take the top prize.  As least Ms. Ryan blows them as consolation.  That ain't hair gel in his hair, honey!  Girl, it's so damn stiff!

Jason Castro: Shakira's not the only hot export from Colombia!  Jason Castro is a hot tranny mess and I love it.  Adam Duritz called and he wants his weave back.  I actually think he has a modest and genuine character that outshines Brooke's.  I love his guitar playing and I'm sure loads of ladies and mo's go to bed with two fingers up just thinking about his sweet sweet...voice.

Michael Johns: Thunder from Down Under!  Bring it, bitch!  I love me some Michael Johns. The judges continue to give him mediocre reviews but I think he has a major talent and could work that Adult Contemporary audience into a panty creaming frenzy.

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