Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Hills

Ah yes, the big premiere is upon us!  Mr. Jeremiah, Ms. Berna and I sauntered to Gotham Hall last night for the premiere party and it was a total spectacle.  Let's just say that the audience looked like one big bowel movement of Wet Seal.  Explosive diarrhea of all sorts of bad Long Island and New Jersey fashions were speckled upon the young ones.  Tranny tranny hot mess hot mess tranny.  Therefore it seemed the only suitable solution was to down as many glasses of champagne as possible.  

Mariah's performance was delectable.  I don't know why she looks like such a beached whale on tele because she's totally fierce in person.  Her rendition of "We Belong Together" got the audience into a total frenzy and we were singing along with the best of them.  

Ms. Berna also chatted up Lauren Conrad and to no surprise, I made some lewd comment that sent her running.  No, I didn't call her Ms. Roast Beef Curtain...to her face.  We were also witness to the amazing powers of Ms. Audrina, potentially the stupidest person on earth.  Justin Bobby could be fucking her in the ass and all she would "think" is, "Did I buy milk today?".  

I was quite sad that there was a no show by the love of my joyous life, Ms. Lo.  Oh Lo.  We did spot the lame dumped hooker Jason Preston who couldn't seem to get into the party without showing his arm tattoo to "prove" who he was.  Um that's so sad.

Big ups to Ms. Courtney for hooking us up with the soiree!

And let's chat about the show itself...Could it have BEEN anymore boring?  What a snoozefest. Essentially nothing happened.  Lauren and Whitney go to Paris.  They flirt with some casted Frenchmen (see: http://www.myspace.com/thenameofthebandisrockandroll)  There's a "crisis" with a dress.  They go to a ball.  They go home.  The end.  Boo!  I wanted some drama!  Why was Ms. Roast Beef Curtain 2008 not getting hammered and discovering the wonders of foreskin?  Where were the awkward stares and eye widening moments?  There was some boring subplot of Heidi and Spencer in Crusty Butt...I mean Crested Butte but it was so contrived and lame that no one cared.  And exactly how much plastic surgery did Heidi have?  Those lips looked so wonky that they looked like the vaginal lips from some dead tranny plopped onto her face.  The only interesting bits were Stephane, the driver and Matthias, the French "rocker".  The next 7 episodes better pick up in juice otherwise my weave will be watching my other obsession, The Real Housewives of New York City.

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