Make Me a Supermodel

Who's watching this glorious show? If you're not...you should! It's totally gratuitous, self-involved, exploitative, shallow, and is sending millions of girls to the toilet to finger bang their own mouths...translation? It's fucking heaven. The cast of characters and hosts are remarkable.

Ms. Niki Taylor is a fun flirty old bag doing her kegels to keep up with the young ens. Mr. Tyson Beckford is totally not enthused and probably humming to himself "Where did I go wrong and how did I end up on Bravo?"...and we love it.

I don't have much to say about the ladies. The majority of them look like they belong in a mall hair salon working reception or hawking hot dogs in the food court. However, I will say Ms. Jacki worked her shit when she got her new weave and looks totally fab. She is my female front runner and I think she has a good chance. Holly looks like a busted up version of Mary Louise Parker but I'm enjoying her pixie haircut. The rest of them can suck it.

And the boys...let's break down each model one by one, shall we?

Ben: Homegirl looks good when he's posing as serious and stern, but as soon as he opens his mouth, that whole carousel of wonky ass teeth is scaring me into the arms of a carnie! Carnie Wilson, that is! Hold on! Even so, I don't think he should be going home this week.

Casey: There is really nothing unique nor exciting about this one. I predict he'll be sent home in the next few weeks.

Dominic: Who doesn't love Dominic?! Why is he always in the bottom 3? I have a soft spot for this DJ (Who am I? Mandy Moore? Nicole Richie?) and I think he has real potential. There's nothing more exciting than some good old fashion bad-itude and I love it.

Frankie: Shut the fuck up. He is so ridiculous and it's too bad his nipples didn't get waxed off, along with his lips. And that fucking weave? Cut it, girl. He takes decent photos, but send his ass home.

Jay: Again, nothing very exciting here. Yes, he takes fine photos but you better start packing, honey...because no one gives a shit.

Perry: Ex-squeeze me, but did you break your foot in Step Up 2? If this were an 80's teen flick, you would be from the wrong side of the tracks. I'll give you some love, but you're not a winner. Sorry.

Ronnie: I think this raging mo has the most potential. To me, he's the only one who looks like an actual model, and not a reject from the Pacific Sunwear store. Work it, Miss Ronnie!

Let's hope Ms. Katy gets sent home this week. She looks nothing more than Ana Matronic from the Scissor Sisters and even Jenny Craig would bitch slap this heffer home.

Don't you like it long?

Yes! Of course, honey! We all do! Indeed, it is a long weekend and it's totally heaven.

Let's see...where shall I begin?

On Wednesday, a gaggle of us headed over to the Hammerstein Ballroom for VH1's Storytellers taping with the incomparable Mary J. Blige. She was amazing! Her wig was lookin right, and her voice was sounding superb! She sang the hits and I sang right along side them. Aren't we all lookin for a Real Love? Sure are! After the spectacle, we hit Pop Burger downtown and had a right dance party in our seats. A few of us hit Soho House for a late night bottle then turned in.

Thursday, Ms. Lisa, Ms. Khadija, Mr. Isaac, Ms. Jen and I had a lovely dinner at Eatery where we sat toilet adjacent. Convenient and smelly! Lots of diarrhea chatter later, we headed over to Terminal 5 for the Hot Hot Heat and Editors show. Work those weaves, boys! The show was lovely but the crowd was not. Roosevelt Field in the house! Arghhh...

Friday, I had a "me day" and relaxed my weave at home. Sometimes you just need a day of detox to feel right. And by Saturday, I was ready to rumble. Ms. Ethrina and I headed over to Soho House but the clientele was a bit long in the tooth and limp in the pants for our liking. A drink later, I was home and on the couch watching "Superbad" which I will say is essentially American Pie. What was all the hype about? Sure I love vagina and penis humor as much as the next laddy, but serially...

Where's Drunk Frank?

I know I know...my weave has been absent like my sanity...but honey, I'm back! I've been running around like Britney Spears with her head cut off that I haven't had the proper time to devote to my blog but I promise I will pay more attention to it from this point forward.

Let's see...the weekend was delightful. To have a few days off, to rest my weary weave, to smother myself in seaweed masks and other exfoliates, and to dunk my liver into a bucket of vodka repeatedly really cleanses the soul.

Yesterday, I had a delightful brunch at Soho House with Ms. Kelly where we spotted Mr. Damon Dash working his weave over a pint of beer (Exsqueeze me, dear...but it's 2PM...). We decided to go for a stroll down Bleeker Street into Soho to admire all the lovely wares and couture that was to be offered. Passing by an eyeglass store, I spotted Adam Levine and James of Maroon 5 perusing the bifocals. Did someone say bi?? Uh huh.

I finally took my weave home to hibernate from the storm. Our friend the meteorologist predicted a possible 6-9 inches of snow. However, when I woke up this morning, there was 6-9 inches of nothing. Just like a bad motherfucking date. Wahh!

Good tidings to you...

Happy New Year, cunts!

Well a very lovely Happy New Year to you too! Profuse apologies but my weave has been in more places than Paris Hilton's tongue at a public urinal. Spicy!

After my jaunt to San Francisco, I zipped up to Seattle to visit the ever so lovely Ms. AJ and Mr. Chris. Joined my Ms. Lisa, Ms. Rebecca, and Ms. Jackie, we worked that Space Needle into our Fish Markets and yelled "Starfucks"! We took a quick weekend trip to the gorgeous Canadian town of Vancouver to troll for hockey pucks and mounties and ended up with a big pile of...tuna. Yes, tuna! From my favorite Canadian spot Tojo's. Seriously my pets, if you're ever there, you must go dine at this most delicious restaurant. The Tojo tuna is the best thing you'll ever put in your mouth. Well, except... Tuna, people! Let's stay focused.

We drove back down to Seattle for New Year's and had an amazing 7 course meal at Union downtown. Trendy, sophisticated, and heavenly!

Well, I hope all you ladies and grunts had a gorgeous holiday as well and now it's time to brave this cold ass situation outside calling itself "weather".

Holla at my tuna pot.

Happy Christmas!!

Yes, I know...I have been an absent weave but it's been a busy holiday season! Endless parties, dinners, laying face down at Soho House...ahhhh I am sure in a right festive mood!

I am back in the San Francisco Bay Area where the weather is sinfully sunny and lovely. This socialite has had a wonderful time relaxing and napping like a pussy cat. Makes me purr!

I will report back with some scandalous tales of debauchery and naughtiness soon enough but here's hoping you take those lumps of coal and make butt implants with them! Fierce.

Happy Christmas my pets.

XX

The Hills

What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Watch. ?.

Did anyone else catch tonight's episode (and I use the term "episode" very loosely as it should truly be termed "video scraps from the edit room floor")? What a hot mess!

Let's start with our little vixen tart, Whitney, and all her backhanded questions to Lauren (before she knew she was off to gay Paris as well). "Have you been to Paris this time of year?". Oh. That was hot. It's nice that the two girls can gallivant to Paris together and see who can squeeze more Brie out of their vajayjays. So exciting! And let's chat about Audrina's French lessons contributions of "C'est la vie" and "Oui". When you hear Audrina speak, don't you always get reminded of some mentally challenged invalid who got hit by a truck and has some serious amnesia, causing her to re-learn the English language? She is just so damn Corky chic. Paiggeeeeee!

The Spencer and Heidi back and forth is truly ridiculous, fake, and unwatchable. Who cares about these two raging morons? Watching them fight and pick at each other is the equivalent of ass banging yourself with a cactus for 30 minutes straight. Painful! There's really nothing to say but if we want to play make believe, I suppose I'm happy that tits for brains Heidi has left Spencer so she can go back to Colorado and be with her people, to roam the fields with her fellow ponies, and eat shit from troughs.

You all know how I feel about Brody. Was his mother Summer's Eve? Someone smells like lemons and vinegar! Oh! It's Brody - you raging fucking douchbag. What is wrong with him? Why are guys in LA like this? Should we call him Brody's Eve?

Even worse than the show was the AFTER SHOW! Who watched this hot ass mess?

First of all, let's talk about the serious miscasting of those two hosts. Were they casted via two cans and some string? Who would think these two dolts were at all coherent, attractive, or presentable to the naked eye? Jessi (spelled like THAT) looks like a damn trannie. She is very TransAmerica chic. She's got a bulging 8 inches below the belt that just can't be tamed. And what about the boy? He looks like Fred Armisen after a night at OJ's house. Busted!

The entire "after show" was a complete disaster and shows that MTV is more out of touch with the "youth of today" than ever before. I think watching reruns of The Golden Girls has a stronger resonance with the kiddies today. The webcam thing? A hot mess. Choosing "Area" as the location? What? Was some other washed up lame club not available? A hot mess. Having a fake red carpet in a parking lot? A hot mess.

I think I need to go watch reruns of paint drying to regain some brain cells.

Weekend Foolishness

What a eventful few days it's been!

Wednesday, Mr. Tom, Ms. Rebecca, and I had a few adult beverages at Broome Street Bar before having a nice Thai situation at Peep. Hey Peep - you're delicious! We also tried to unearth the true meaning to "spicy rims" but it still remains a mystery. Holla at my lobster pot if you know.

Thursday, the ladies and I hit Stone Street, specifically Ulysees, for some gold digging at its finest. And the stock is up! Did you say you make half a milly a year? Did I say that I have no gag reflex? Invest in me, please! Someone make a deposit! Can I get a witness? There was also some foolishness with a photo shoot in the streets of the FiDi that I won't elaborate on but it was the hotness.

Friday evening, Ms. Jacky, Ms. Mercedes her hubs, and I hit my favorite seafood fanciness, the Lure Fishbar. It was gorgeous and delicious! I highly recommend you all munch down that raw seafood platter like a fratboy in heat. Yum!

Saturday evening, Ms. Lisa and I had a lovely dinner at Blue Fin, and by lovely, for some reason, everything was heinously NOT good. Blue Fin is usually delicious, but apparently not on Saturdays during the fucking holiday season. Ba to the humbug. Afterwards, we strolled to the Nokia Theatre to see Finnish rock sensation HIM. The crowd smelled like athlete's foot but the music was bangin! Nothing like a lovely Finnish man belting out a cover of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" to work my weave into a frenzy!