Lollapalooza

Well, hello there. My weave is back from a whirlwind trip to Chicago and it was quite a weekend! We endured the oppressive heat on Friday and strolled over to Grant Park, only to hide in an air conditioned BUS for hours. You know my weave looks like a crazy ass mess if it has to deal with the elements for too long. Ms. Becky and I fled the premises and had a cocktail at the Hard Rock Hotel to replenish our fluids. Oh hey fluids! That evening, the ladies and I had a lovely dinner at The Palm where we stuffed ourselves silly - Get your damn head out of the gutter, fool! We stuffed ourselves with FOOD. Ahem.

Saturday, Ms. Erika and Ms. LaToya (collectively, we're now known as the hot new trio, Chi-City) took a tour de force of Chicago after some very bland Cuban food at Cafe LaGuardia. I am simply loving Lincoln Park and would love to pick up a pied a terre to hang with my Midwestern peeps. Oh heyy! That evening, a gaggle of us had a massive dinner at Japonais and it was just divine. That Tuna Tuna Salmon situation is something to tell your vibrator about. We then headed back to the Hard Rock to see Mark and Samantha Ronson do their DJ thang while we did our "we need some alcohol to get through this situation" thang. La Lohan was running around with her faux lesbian love and you know we were watching what I like to refer to as "TMZ Live".

Mamma Mia

Here I go again! My My!

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a screening of Mamma Mia and it was simply fabulous. I am deeming it "Dreamgirls for old white women". Let's put it this way, if your husband need Viagra and you loved Fried Green Tomatoes, this movie is for you. To no surprise, Regis Philbin and his wifey sat next to us. Oh hey demographic.

Meryl Streep shines (as always) and this new endeavor into singing and dancing suits her quite well. Sure, she looks like an hold haggish tranny, but her talent cannot be denied. And big ups to Mean Girls famed Amanda Seyfried for working it out. Her singing was well done and I almost forgot about her magical powers of forecasting weather...with her breasts.

Thanks to Ms. Jessica for hooking our weaves up!

Coldplay

Yes, I know...my weave has been flying around like a tranny with no panties and I haven't had time to blog, but don't you worry, lambs...I'm back!

Last night, I had the lovely pleasure of going to the Coldplay show at Madison Square Garden and it was just heavenly. The celeb sightings were equally impressive. We spotted an all black Kirsten Dunst looking like a crack baby plus 25 years and a gorgeous Charlize Theron with hubby Stuart Townsend at the show, and a radiant Helena Christensen at the after party.

As for the band, they were, um, how do you say, off the mother fucking chain?!?! To all you haters, you need to attend just ONE show to understand the impact of their live show. Chris bounces around the stage like his dildo has malfunctioned and he's constantly being electrocuted. That poor piano probably has more glory holes in it than a public park restroom considering how much Mr. Martin humps on it. ANYWAYS, if you do not have a copy of the new album, Viva La Vida, I suggest you all take your fingers out of your various holes and get yourself to a record store asap.

An Open Letter

Dear Buttplug,

I would like to begin by congratulating you on becoming the new American Idol. Ladies and mo's across the country have branded their own buttplugs with an image of your face and everyone's walking a bit crooked today. Bravo!

I would like to propose some style tips to you. To start with, please keep your weave in an up do. The strange comb over hair style should be reserved for accountants and car salesman. Second, please consider a vacation to somewhere warm and tropical. You're so translucent that you look a bit blue. What's up pigment. Finally, please keep your clothing casual. The over-the-top faux rocker business makes me want to make love to a wood chipper.

Again, I would like to offer my congratulations but know that in my heart, you are no Momo, just a mo.

Love,
A Drunken Socialite

American Idol

Wasn't last night's performance show simply heaven? It is becoming abundantly clear that Momo is the lead favorite to win and that fills my heart with overwhelming joy! Yes, I know what you're all thinking. Sure, he's a great singer but he's just SUCH a pussy. I mean, when he opens his mouth, girlfriend, that's not his tongue! It's a fallopian tube! Yes indeed, when he's on stage, he looks like he just realized he has got some severe diarrhea and is waiting to run off stage and geyser that situation out. But we all love him anyways! Let's root him onto victory tonight!

Let's recap last night's performances. The first song was Clive Davis' selection, the second jam was some bullshit new songwriter situation, and the third song was contestant's pick.

David Cook: Buttplug started the evening with a stirring rendition of U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For and honey, my pot was stirred. I actually thought his performance was genuine, energetic, and all around lovely. And aren't you all glad he put his weave into an up do? Me too! Yes, his face is slightly busted, but the weave covering half his forehead was a hot mess.

David Archuleta: Momo sang Elton John's Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me and it was INCREDIBLE. I had goose bumps in places I didn't know existed. Yes, the clothes and oversized jacket was probably styled by someone blind and deaf, but his performance was simply amazing. I actually think he solidified his winning spot with this performance. It's something Buttplug could never do. I will say that I find the wording of this song a bit inaccurate. Shouldn't "Sun" be replaced with "Abusive Dad"?

David Cook: Buttplug's second song was some atrocious mess called Dream Big. Let's just say I would rather feed Cookie a hot tamale with extra sour cream, immediately shove my tongue in his crack, and wait for fate to take it's course than listen to that dismal performance again.

David Archuleta: Momo sang In This Moment for the crappy songwriter round and even though the song sucked, he worked it out! His voice was like BUTTAH and I continued to swoon while tossing my weave around the room.

David Cook: Buttplug's final tune was Collective Soul's The World I Know. I love this 90's rock jam! It reminds me of hiding behind a dumpster, smoking cloves, and thinking I was so fucking rebellious. Oh those were the days! I actually quite enjoyed Cookie's performance of the song. He changed it up a little, gave up a few oohhh's and ahhh's, but overall, it was a bit boring. Despite all my catty cunting, I think he's a great singer and will have a cute, little career. And when he can't sing anymore, he can brand butt plugs!

David Archuleta: Momo closed the show with a repeat performance of John Lennon's Imagine and it was so incredibly moving. Just ask my bowels. There's no question in my mind that Momo is the clear winner and we'll see this queen get crowned tonight!.

An Open Letter

Dear Ms. Fantasia,

I want to say that I've been a huge fan of yours since the powerful and stirring song, Baby Mama. You gave hope and light to us single mothers. I am especially moved by these lyrics.

I see you get that support check in the mail

Ya open it and you're like "What the Hell?"

You say, "This ain't even half of daycare"

Sayin to yourself "This here ain't fair"

These lyrics are so amazing and provocative. I feel...Solidarity. Promise. Wonderment.

However, I want to say that I was quite confused by your performance last night on American Idol. I don't quite think that shade of menstrual blood quite suits your head. The clown makeup was a bit confusing as well. And Ms. Fantasia, if I may ask, exactly how many pills did you take before that number and please, may I have your pharmacist's phone number? I have questions and concerns.

You may have fallen off the wagon, but please get on a city bus, or short bus.

Your Baby Papa,

A Drunken Socialite

American Idol

It's down to the Top Three contestants and the competition is heating up!  Each of our precious darlings sang 3 songs last night and the race was so stiff, I almost married it.  The first song was Judge's Choice, the second song was Contestant's Choice, and the third song was Producer's Choice.  Let's recap!

David Archuleta: Momo started the evening with a performance of Billy Joel's And So It Goes. I actually dislike just about every Billy Joel song because it just sounds like naff bullshit for fat frat boys to sing while homo erotically slapping each other's asses.  I will say Ms. Momo worked it out and I actually enjoyed his rendition.  His second song was Chris Brown's With You, one of my favorite contemporary R&B hits, and I will have to say while vocally, it was fine, everything else was a hot tranny mess.  Even trannies were screaming, "Bitch, at least I got some fuckin rhythm!".  Oh Momo, what did you do?  That dancing was atrocious and almost borderline, Clay Aiken heinous.  And who do you think you're kidding calling some lady "little mama" and "little shortie"?  Did you mean to sing "Hey little papa...hey stick it in me?".  Le sigh.  Luckily, Momo redeemed himself with Dan Fogelberg's Longer.  The vocals were clean and crisp and he always shines in this adult contemporary genre.  Work it out, Momo!  See you in the finals!

Syesha Mercado: Syesha started the evening with Randy's pick of Alicia Keys' If I Ain't Got You and it was a gorgeous delight.  Her vocals were impeccable and although it was a bit of a copycat situation (She sounded EXACTLY like Alicia), it was still an amazing performance.  Her next performance was Peggy Lee's Fever and although the judges gave her flack about selecting this song, I thought the performance was sexy, on pitch, and made sense with her musical theater background.  Sure, it didn't show off her vocals as well as they could have been, but it wasn't a BAD performance.  Syesha ended the evening with Gia Farell's Hit Me Up and sure was Rihanna chic, wasn't she?  It was very mediocre and lacked the energy that a performer like RiRi can bring.  We all know that Syesha will be getting the boot tonight so let's bid her well. She made it FAR longer than anyone expected.  Ciao mami!

David Cook: Buttplug's first song was Simon's selection of Robert Flack's First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and he did an AMAZING job!  His raspy rocker voice reinterpreted the song with such fervor and melody that I essentially leaked more than if I was watching She's the Man for the millionth time.  His second song was overly predictable yet one of my favorites, Switchfoot's Dare You to Move.  This is the genre and sound that he excels in and this performance was no exception.  He sounded great and I was impressed overall.  Buttplug ended the trio of songs with Aerosmith's I Don't Want to Miss a Thing and brought the mother fuckin house DOWN!  You know 40 year old women across the country had their Rabbits on full throttle and I think there may be a water shortage from all the showers taken at 9:01PM.

Next week is the finale and between Momo and Buttplug, I really am uncertain who will win.  I would think that the majority of Syesha's votes will go towards Momo but this country is so fucking retarded that it's hard to say.  And the anticipation swells!