American Idol

Wasn't last night's performance show simply heaven? It is becoming abundantly clear that Momo is the lead favorite to win and that fills my heart with overwhelming joy! Yes, I know what you're all thinking. Sure, he's a great singer but he's just SUCH a pussy. I mean, when he opens his mouth, girlfriend, that's not his tongue! It's a fallopian tube! Yes indeed, when he's on stage, he looks like he just realized he has got some severe diarrhea and is waiting to run off stage and geyser that situation out. But we all love him anyways! Let's root him onto victory tonight!

Let's recap last night's performances. The first song was Clive Davis' selection, the second jam was some bullshit new songwriter situation, and the third song was contestant's pick.

David Cook: Buttplug started the evening with a stirring rendition of U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For and honey, my pot was stirred. I actually thought his performance was genuine, energetic, and all around lovely. And aren't you all glad he put his weave into an up do? Me too! Yes, his face is slightly busted, but the weave covering half his forehead was a hot mess.

David Archuleta: Momo sang Elton John's Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me and it was INCREDIBLE. I had goose bumps in places I didn't know existed. Yes, the clothes and oversized jacket was probably styled by someone blind and deaf, but his performance was simply amazing. I actually think he solidified his winning spot with this performance. It's something Buttplug could never do. I will say that I find the wording of this song a bit inaccurate. Shouldn't "Sun" be replaced with "Abusive Dad"?

David Cook: Buttplug's second song was some atrocious mess called Dream Big. Let's just say I would rather feed Cookie a hot tamale with extra sour cream, immediately shove my tongue in his crack, and wait for fate to take it's course than listen to that dismal performance again.

David Archuleta: Momo sang In This Moment for the crappy songwriter round and even though the song sucked, he worked it out! His voice was like BUTTAH and I continued to swoon while tossing my weave around the room.

David Cook: Buttplug's final tune was Collective Soul's The World I Know. I love this 90's rock jam! It reminds me of hiding behind a dumpster, smoking cloves, and thinking I was so fucking rebellious. Oh those were the days! I actually quite enjoyed Cookie's performance of the song. He changed it up a little, gave up a few oohhh's and ahhh's, but overall, it was a bit boring. Despite all my catty cunting, I think he's a great singer and will have a cute, little career. And when he can't sing anymore, he can brand butt plugs!

David Archuleta: Momo closed the show with a repeat performance of John Lennon's Imagine and it was so incredibly moving. Just ask my bowels. There's no question in my mind that Momo is the clear winner and we'll see this queen get crowned tonight!.