What a stupendous evening last night! I had a delicious dinner at Soho House with Ms. Jessica and Ms. Natalie. The meal was full of gorgeous food, chatter about foreskin, and more wine than Gary Busey could consume. Ms. Berna, Ms. Jessica, and Mr. Isaac joined us later in the eve for another bottle of Prosecco before we rolled ourselves up to Marquee for a party for the one and only Ashlee Simpson. The door was a hot tranny mess per usual but snaps to Mr. Jeremiah for working it out. Holler!
We passed the peons and went straight to the VIP and once inside, it was D-List heaven. The typical Simpson clan was there - Mama Tina Simpson (who was about 150 sheets to the wind), Ken Paves, and Mr. It-Fell-Out Pete Wentz. Randomly, fugly Chad Kroeger of Nickelback was putzing around looking like a hot Canadian mess. Canadian bacon? I don't think so. Also, hooker boyfriend of Marc Jacobs, Jason Preston, was wandering around like a lost canary. A lost hooker canary. Maybe looking for a threesome? Hell to the no, Gina.
Finally, Ms. Ashlee arrived and looked lovely and stunning. I am certainly enjoying the new hair and the new nose and snaps to her for embracing change. Mr. Jeff introduced us to the dame and we had some lovely face time. She surprised the crowd with a performance of 4 songs, however, I was thoroughly distracted as I was standing next to Ms. Ken Paves who was busy grinding with himself on the staircase. Ummm....
A big thank you to Mr. Jeff for hooking us up and hosting such a fun night!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The Oscars 2008
Ahh yes, it's that time of year again, and thankfully, those damn writers didn't fuck up what we often refer to as...The Gay Superbowl...I mean, the Academy Awards! Millions of mo's around the world are pulling the quiche out of the oven and dolloping creme fraiche on anything that doesn't move in anticipation for tonight's big events. Thousands of other mo's are finger banging themselves wondering..."Will Juno be the big upset?" Will Javier Bardem learn how to speak English before the ceremony?" Will Colin Farrell film a sex tape in the dressing rooms backstage? One thing I personally wonder...do mo's south of the equator finger themselves counter clockwise? Think about it...
The E! preshow is as bland as ever. Where is Kathy Griffin? We miss her dearly. Closet Case Seacrest is really trying his best but honey, it's like watching someone give themselves a bikini wax with tweezer. Ugh!
Who just saw Gary Busey attack Jennifer Gardner on the red carpet? Laura Linney looks horrified, Ryan just shit his pants, and Jennifer has NO clue who he is. Ha! Someone's fallen off the truck...Back to celeb rehab, you old hot mess!
Ahh the big show has begun! What did you all think of Miss John Stewart's monologue? It was ok but a bit bland, don't you think? Funny, but not too funny. Little Johnny...you could have done better!
The E! preshow is as bland as ever. Where is Kathy Griffin? We miss her dearly. Closet Case Seacrest is really trying his best but honey, it's like watching someone give themselves a bikini wax with tweezer. Ugh!
Who just saw Gary Busey attack Jennifer Gardner on the red carpet? Laura Linney looks horrified, Ryan just shit his pants, and Jennifer has NO clue who he is. Ha! Someone's fallen off the truck...Back to celeb rehab, you old hot mess!
Now over to the ABC red carpet telecast and this is even MORE of a hot mess!!! Who knew this atrocity was possible? Regis Phibin is the main correspondent?!!?!?! Was Robin Leach too busy plucking his back hair? What naff cunt thought up this concept? Catering to fucking middle America always ruins everything. Politics, red carpets, etc. Boo!
What exactly is happening with Miss John Travolta's new weave? The butt cut weave has been replaced with some sort of velcro stick-on moss mess! Did he shave his boyfriend's balls and make a hair piece? I really don't understand. And that hot mess beard of his, Kelly Preston...what is she thinking? Well, she's probably thinking since I have no career otherwise, I might as well partner up with this big queen to get some spotlight! Money is money, I suppose. Even mo's in San Francisco are yelling, "Girl, you have GOT to be kidding"! Courtesy of Ms. Sheree, she likens the Travolta to: http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/gallery/2002/01/03/monkey300.jpg
Why is Miley Cyrus at The Oscars? I don't think the Hannah Montana concert movie is nominated. I really don't understand the phenomenon. What I can say is in a few years, she's totally going to be the new Hollywood party girl. Remember when La Lohan used to be fresh faced, innocent, and only make Disney movies? Look what happened there...and you know Miley is going in the same direction. She has anal porn written all over her.
Oh. My. Lanta. Who just say Daniel Day-Lewis' "wife", Rebecca Miller? What a HOT mess? That dress...with the plastic flowers and red bow tied straps? Trannies all over the world are fainting at the sight of this horror.
Ahh the big show has begun! What did you all think of Miss John Stewart's monologue? It was ok but a bit bland, don't you think? Funny, but not too funny. Little Johnny...you could have done better!
Finally, the boring awards are done with and we're up to Actor in a Supporting Role. My girl Jennifer Hudson is presenting and I have to say...that dress is a big mistake! What is she exactly wearing? First of all, weren't there rumors that she lost a lot of weight? Clearly not! The makeup is impeccable and the weave is flawless...but all eyes are on that heinous dress! Yuck!
And the winner is Javier Bardem! What in the hell is he saying?! Who knows! And now he's gabbing in Spanish! Is this Univision? I used to watch El Ritmo de la Noche and not have a damn clue what was going on. Deja vu!
Tilda Swinton has won Actress in a Supporting Role?!?! Who is this British Alien? Did she come out of some sewer in Camden? My weave is confused. How did Cate Blanchett or Ruby Dee lose to this weirdo?
Actress in a Leading Role has gone to Marion Cotillard! What an upset! Julie Christie looks like she could cut a bitch. I haven't seen La Vie en Rose but I am sure I would love it as I am a raging francophile. Her acceptance speech was totally endearing and I may have gotten a bit misty...down there.
What is going on with all these fucking montages? Enough already! Nostalgia is for old birds. Let's move this shit ALONG.
Actor in a Leading Role has been given to Daniel Day-Lewis for his work in "There Will Be Blood". Clearly, I did not see this film because it does not fall under the Romantic Comedy / Teen Drama category but it seems that everyone is licking his asshole for his portrayal. He's quite an odd man, isn't he? Don't you just imagine that he has days of tantric sex with his strange wife, all while burning incense out of his ass? He's so the Burning Man type. I do like him though. He seems surprisingly genuine.
And the Best Motion Picture goes to No Viagra for Old Men...wait, what? Whatever, totally didn't see this one either. It looks "serious" and I am "not".
Thankfully this broadcast is over...it could not have been anymore boring!
Prosecco and Pierogies
My how this week has flown by, hasn't it? Let's see...what was my weave up to?
Tuesday night, I had a delicious dinner at Dell'Anima in the West Village with Ms. Simone and Ms. Kelly. Have you all been before? It's truly scrumptious and definitely worth a visit. Cute Italian country atmosphere and tasty glasses of wine.
Moving onto Wednesday...I am shocked and mortified that I haven't spoken of this earlier, but let's chat for a moment about this season's Project Runway! Yes, one of the few television programs I am currently watching, Runway certainly has kept us on our toes for the past few months. Clearly, I am on Team Fierce and I am quite certain that Little Miss Sunshine Christian will win this season. Anyone who can call that old queen Tim Gunn "Girrrrlllll" to his face and refer to situations as "a tranny mess" certainly wins points in my book. Work it to the finale!
What do you all think about Jillian? I think she's a dumpy cunt who only makes coats with stripes and has very moderate talent. However, I think to most people, she's the strong runner up. If I wanted bland, I would flip through a J. Crew catalog. Next!
No, that's not Nathan Lane, ladies...this big and beautiful queen is Chris Marsh! He's essentially a costume designer calling himself a clothing designer, but we'll forgive him for all his faults with that big scary cackle of his. Not going to win, but provides plenty of entertainment.
Rami is a total one trip pony. Enough draping already! You're making dresses, not elegant roast beef curtains. Boo!
And the most recent cast off...yes indeed...It's Sweet Pea. I think she's genuine and lovely, can make decent ready to wear frocks, but certainly is no "fashion designer". She was rightfully kicked off.
Thursday evening, a bunch of us had a lovely meeting at Soho House where I decided to have yummy Blue Point oysters and goat cheese pierogies for dinner. Now that's how a socialite dines! 2 bottles of Prosecco later and I was in rare form. I zipped up to Terminal 5 to meet the boys at The Bravery show. We shook our bon bons in the VIP and after the show, popped back down to the Meatpacking for one more drink before calling it a night.
Last night, Ms. Nicola and I hit the town like two grandmothers on the run. We had a tasty glass of Kir Royale at The Bubble Lounge, followed by a delicious dinner at Landmarc. One more cocktail at the Tribeca Grand and us old bags called it a night at 1AM.
Tuesday night, I had a delicious dinner at Dell'Anima in the West Village with Ms. Simone and Ms. Kelly. Have you all been before? It's truly scrumptious and definitely worth a visit. Cute Italian country atmosphere and tasty glasses of wine.
Moving onto Wednesday...I am shocked and mortified that I haven't spoken of this earlier, but let's chat for a moment about this season's Project Runway! Yes, one of the few television programs I am currently watching, Runway certainly has kept us on our toes for the past few months. Clearly, I am on Team Fierce and I am quite certain that Little Miss Sunshine Christian will win this season. Anyone who can call that old queen Tim Gunn "Girrrrlllll" to his face and refer to situations as "a tranny mess" certainly wins points in my book. Work it to the finale!
What do you all think about Jillian? I think she's a dumpy cunt who only makes coats with stripes and has very moderate talent. However, I think to most people, she's the strong runner up. If I wanted bland, I would flip through a J. Crew catalog. Next!
No, that's not Nathan Lane, ladies...this big and beautiful queen is Chris Marsh! He's essentially a costume designer calling himself a clothing designer, but we'll forgive him for all his faults with that big scary cackle of his. Not going to win, but provides plenty of entertainment.
Rami is a total one trip pony. Enough draping already! You're making dresses, not elegant roast beef curtains. Boo!
And the most recent cast off...yes indeed...It's Sweet Pea. I think she's genuine and lovely, can make decent ready to wear frocks, but certainly is no "fashion designer". She was rightfully kicked off.
Thursday evening, a bunch of us had a lovely meeting at Soho House where I decided to have yummy Blue Point oysters and goat cheese pierogies for dinner. Now that's how a socialite dines! 2 bottles of Prosecco later and I was in rare form. I zipped up to Terminal 5 to meet the boys at The Bravery show. We shook our bon bons in the VIP and after the show, popped back down to the Meatpacking for one more drink before calling it a night.
Last night, Ms. Nicola and I hit the town like two grandmothers on the run. We had a tasty glass of Kir Royale at The Bubble Lounge, followed by a delicious dinner at Landmarc. One more cocktail at the Tribeca Grand and us old bags called it a night at 1AM.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Yellow Man In Timbuktu
Oh what a glorious week it's been...full of trials and tribulations...this socialite's weave is tired! Let's summarize, shall we?
The most wretched holiday known to mankind had the mispleasure of dousing us with her downstairs secretions last Thursday...yes indeed, the horrendous day known as Valentine's Day. A day full of "I love you's" and women having anal sex for the first time. Did I sit on something? No, bitch, your boyfriend just fucked you in the ass...because "he loves you". My day was full of working my weave and that evening, I met my lovely peeps at Madison Square Garden for a full on time warp...honey, it's 1996 and I'm angst and edgy! That's right, we worked ourselves into a frenzy at the Alanis Morissette and Matchbox 20 show. My New Orleans homeslices opened the spectacle to much fanfare...the delightful lads of Mutemath. I sure do love that drumming. A quick hello backstage to the gents, then it was time for our favorite sister from up North to pay us a visit and tell us how Dave Coulier once fucked her (probably NOT in the ass because...well, you oughta know). Her vocals were heavenly and her weave was looking lovelier than mine. Someone got extensions...and not those nasty Ken Paves locks! Then Matchbox 20 took the stage and reminded us what Top 40 used to sound like. It was Miss Rob Thomas' birthday and we gave him a send off that any lady would enjoy. A quick swing by the after party and I zipped myself home. A big thanks to Ms. Lisa for hookin my weave up and being a fab Valentine's Day date!
Saturday, Miss Charlotte and I had a tasty dinner at Ono. I sure am obsessed with their spicy tuna because that situation is caliente. Shove some between your legs and you'll be dancing for days. Sunday, we had the pleasure of Ms. Jessica's presence, gracing us from the Bean. The ladies and I braved the wet weather and had a gorgeous dinner at Giorgione. Work those Blue Point oysters, my pet! Who knew something so juicy and slimy could be such a delight to swallow. MmmHMMM...say no more. A few cocktails at Soho House capped off the evening.
And today, we bid a lovely to tribute to presidents past. Thanks for allowing me to work somewhere other than a dry cleaner, I suppose. And then the big event was upon us. Miss Rebecca and I arrived at Madison Square Garden for potentially one of the gayest unions in history...the celebration, the return, the reunion of the Spice Girls. The crowd was quite unexpected. I presumed the Garden would be packed by middle aged mo's and their hags, but rather, teens and tweens galore from various Long Island and New Jersey neighborhoods farted all over. Weren't these adolescent mistakes approximately 5 years old when the Spice Girls first came out? How do they know their words? Were they all raised by gay men? It's really an unsolved mystery. Someone call Matlock.
The show was indeed a spectacle so gay that your asshole, and maybe even your neighbor's asshole, came out sore. Homosexual highlights included Posh's runway show to RuPaul's "Supermodel of the World", Ginger's rendition of "It's Raining Men" complete with shirtless dancers and spinning umbrellas, and Mel C's "I Turn To You" because she's a big lesbo. One dear moment was when the ladies brought their children on stage for a song and Posh's youngest started incessantly breakdancing. It was very "Justin from Ugly Betty" chic. It was quite funny how all the ladies had babies except for Homo Depot Mel C. She's that crazy lesbian aunt that runs around the house highkicking and talking about how's she building a house in the countryside...with her own bare hands! Regardless, the ladies sang all the hits, and even belted "Spice Up Your Life" twice. I've never noticed the obscenely racist lyrics (as noted in the headline) but we danced anyways.
The most wretched holiday known to mankind had the mispleasure of dousing us with her downstairs secretions last Thursday...yes indeed, the horrendous day known as Valentine's Day. A day full of "I love you's" and women having anal sex for the first time. Did I sit on something? No, bitch, your boyfriend just fucked you in the ass...because "he loves you". My day was full of working my weave and that evening, I met my lovely peeps at Madison Square Garden for a full on time warp...honey, it's 1996 and I'm angst and edgy! That's right, we worked ourselves into a frenzy at the Alanis Morissette and Matchbox 20 show. My New Orleans homeslices opened the spectacle to much fanfare...the delightful lads of Mutemath. I sure do love that drumming. A quick hello backstage to the gents, then it was time for our favorite sister from up North to pay us a visit and tell us how Dave Coulier once fucked her (probably NOT in the ass because...well, you oughta know). Her vocals were heavenly and her weave was looking lovelier than mine. Someone got extensions...and not those nasty Ken Paves locks! Then Matchbox 20 took the stage and reminded us what Top 40 used to sound like. It was Miss Rob Thomas' birthday and we gave him a send off that any lady would enjoy. A quick swing by the after party and I zipped myself home. A big thanks to Ms. Lisa for hookin my weave up and being a fab Valentine's Day date!
Saturday, Miss Charlotte and I had a tasty dinner at Ono. I sure am obsessed with their spicy tuna because that situation is caliente. Shove some between your legs and you'll be dancing for days. Sunday, we had the pleasure of Ms. Jessica's presence, gracing us from the Bean. The ladies and I braved the wet weather and had a gorgeous dinner at Giorgione. Work those Blue Point oysters, my pet! Who knew something so juicy and slimy could be such a delight to swallow. MmmHMMM...say no more. A few cocktails at Soho House capped off the evening.
And today, we bid a lovely to tribute to presidents past. Thanks for allowing me to work somewhere other than a dry cleaner, I suppose. And then the big event was upon us. Miss Rebecca and I arrived at Madison Square Garden for potentially one of the gayest unions in history...the celebration, the return, the reunion of the Spice Girls. The crowd was quite unexpected. I presumed the Garden would be packed by middle aged mo's and their hags, but rather, teens and tweens galore from various Long Island and New Jersey neighborhoods farted all over. Weren't these adolescent mistakes approximately 5 years old when the Spice Girls first came out? How do they know their words? Were they all raised by gay men? It's really an unsolved mystery. Someone call Matlock.
The show was indeed a spectacle so gay that your asshole, and maybe even your neighbor's asshole, came out sore. Homosexual highlights included Posh's runway show to RuPaul's "Supermodel of the World", Ginger's rendition of "It's Raining Men" complete with shirtless dancers and spinning umbrellas, and Mel C's "I Turn To You" because she's a big lesbo. One dear moment was when the ladies brought their children on stage for a song and Posh's youngest started incessantly breakdancing. It was very "Justin from Ugly Betty" chic. It was quite funny how all the ladies had babies except for Homo Depot Mel C. She's that crazy lesbian aunt that runs around the house highkicking and talking about how's she building a house in the countryside...with her own bare hands! Regardless, the ladies sang all the hits, and even belted "Spice Up Your Life" twice. I've never noticed the obscenely racist lyrics (as noted in the headline) but we danced anyways.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The Grammy's
Ahh yes, it's music's biggest night so let's celebrate with some live blogging, shall we?
Well, the show is off to a horrifically boring start featuring a "duet" between Miss Frank Sinatra and Alicia Keys. Isn't this just so predictable and derivative? Snooze! Didn't Celine Dion do this already? Ugh.
Next up is Ms. Carrie Underwood performing "Before He Cheats". Was someone styled by Danity Kane's blind stylist? Ugh! Homegirl looks like a tranny! That weave is out of control, sister! That horse hair looks like it's from the Ken Paves line of Jessica's ass hair. Yuck! She sounds nice though.
Jimmy Jam is now reuniting with The Time? The who? The what? We're out of time! This is about as exciting as picking your nose with a cactus. A bad idea and painful!
Oh la la and the big surprise here is Ms. Rihanna working that Umbrella - ella - ella -eh- eh - eh! This sounds amazing! And I'm loving RiRi's girl-on-girl haircut. There's certainly some hooting and hollering from Park Slope tonight...and that's just the sounds of hundreds of vibrators humming together. Girlfriend is rolling into "Don't Stop the Music" and it's simply divine. This panty wetter can do no wrong. Love love love!
Ok, on to the old fart tributes...like anyone gives a shit. This translates into getting up and taking a poop on the toilet from all that 7 layer dip you just ate. There's some sort of tribute to The Beatles and Yoko looks like she'd rather be hanging from a noose than sitting in the seats next to the other old timers. And really...a Cirque du Soleil performance? More like Cirque du SoGay! What queen is producing this show?
Miz Kanye is up next dueting with Daft Punk on "Stronger". Now you all know Ms. Kanye works my weave into a frenzy and annoys the bowels out of me...but this performance is hot! It's very futuristic and savvy. Yes, he's wearing the lame glasses and some glow in the dark decals...but the concept is superb. Well done, babycakes. And we love those crazy Frenchies, Daft Punk! Work it, you weirdos! Loving.
And now Kanye's doing a tribute to his mother. Aww this is sweet but does he really need to shave the word "Mama" into his head? Hmm... This seems taboo for me to shit talk so I'll keep quiet.
Fergie is singing her ditty "Finally" with Ms. John "I only sleep with men but I'm not that gay" Legend on piano. She sounds good! I guess laying off the meth keeps her pee in her bladder and her voice pristine! Work, honey!
And now the big moment...possibly the gayest thing to ever air on television...Ms. Cher introducing a duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner! I think anal beads are exploding around the globe at this cosmic union of mo-ness!
Ms. Cher looks great for being 150 years old. However, she didn't just get botox...her head is actually just a syringe now pumped full of it. We should call her Cher-tox.
What is this Beyonce intro? Did someone see Chicago one to many times? You know some queen choreographed this hot mess. Oh geez...Best Week Ever is going to have a field day. And sweetie...there's some serious camel toe action happening. I can see your eggs...and it's not even Easter yet.
Here comes Miss Tina! Wow! She also looks phenomenal for being over a century old...and holy nipples! It can't be that cold in the Staples Center...but there sure are some raisins on them (old saggy) muffins. She's starting with a gorgeous rendition of "What's Love Got to Do with It?". She sounds amazing. You show those young bitches how to work it, mama!
And her comes Beyonce for the "Proud Mary" duet...Thank goodness she changed out of that GD outfit. This silver sparkly number is acceptable, if not totally predictable. They sound heavenly together. This is essentially Divas Live, if VH1 hadn't retardedly cancelled that show...
Did everyone just see Beyonce step on Tina's foot? Ha! Tina just gave her a stare down like "Bitch, I'm gonna cut your ass if you get that close to me again!". And is this the Grammy's or a hair show? There are some serious weaves on this stage. I hope Beyonce's "locks" don't come flying off and hit Ms. Tina in the eye. Or actually, maybe I do...
I am totally over this "My Grammy moment" contest or whatever the fuck their integrated marketing department raped them into doing. I barely understand what's going on. And of course the slut whore Asian girl wins. Everyone probably thinks she's going to shove a violin up her vajayjay and gold coins will fall out. Jackpot!
The Foo Fighters are performing and it's just ok. They're good live but on TV, I'd rather make love to a straw hat than watch Dave Grohl toss his weave around and sweat.
Ok, Miss Brad Paisley is on now and is he seriously singing a song called "Ticks" where the chorus sings "I'd like to check you for ticks"? This is ridiculous. I wish Beyonce would have dueted on this number. That would be hot. I don't really understand the appeal of Brad. He looks like he could check my oil and beat his wife while drinking a Pabst, ya feel me? MmHMMM...
Why is Solange presenting? Wow, that Matthew Knowles really has a lockdown on Beyonce's appearance where he requires that the dumb knocked up younger sister gets to appear too. Doesn't she feel like a massive tool being there? And that outfit? WHORE-EEE-FLYING!
And now for some gospel...Oh no, honey...Now you all know I love me some Aretha, but... How do I put this? Some fat motherfuckers at home who have to have their jelly forklifted out of bed are watching TV and saying, "Ohhh, Aretha got fat!". What is going on? Straps and exposed shoulders look a hot damn mess on that pile of lard. Is this The Grammy's or some chubby cahser convention? Aretha...PLEASE consider gastric bypass immediately. But you still sound divine regardless of appearance. And I sure do love me some Bebe Winans as well. Work!
Feist is up next wobbling through "1234". I really don't get her. The hipsters loved her. Then they hated her. Some radio plays her, but most don't...and ultimately no one gives a crap. Honey, maybe your brand of bland flies in Canada but no one here gives a shit. Not even a little shit. Not even a fart. Or queef.
Next up is old handbag Keely Smith. Who is she kidding with that black wig? She's just a hot mess with liver spots. And now she's dueting with Kid Rock? This is so atrocious. Oh my lanta Keely is so senile! She's totally confused and wandering around the stage aimlessly. And now's she standing in the middle of The Foo Fighters because she has no idea what else to do. I take it back. This is HEAVEN.
Stevie Wonder is wearing a hot mess leopard print shirt. I am not making any jokes about this but UMMM...
Miss Alicia is back and she's let her weave down. She looks great! I don't know if I'm feeling the big hoops but the rest of her look is cute. A gold gliter top and black tights. Hipsters are salivating and finger banging each other. I love this song, "No One". It's so divine. And big surprise...here comes Ms. John Mayer! He sure is a butterfly, isn't he? Remember when he used to be a skinny beanpole mess? He sure does clean up nicely. Maybe Jessica sucked the ugliness out of him. Ahh memories.
Oh NO SHE DIDN'T! Ms. Vince Gill (he needs to go on a diet) just said "I just got an award from a Beatle...Have you, Kanye?" Oh no she didn't! I had to say it again. You know Kanye is sitting there fidgeting, trying to think of something clever to say. Ms. Vince might just get bitch slapped. I want to see those two ladies go at it.
And my girl Rhinna just won for Best Rap Song, hugged Jay-Z in front of Beyonce, and is holding his hand! Ha! Beyonce looks like she's gonna cut that bitch up. This is heaven. There is some serious chemistry between Rhianna and Jay-Z...chemistry only found after sharing private parts. Sit on my face!
Now the big moment...Ms. Amy Winehouse, live from London. Um, why is Cuba Gooding Jr. introducing her? This makes no sense. Has "Jerry McGuire" money run out, Cuba? Hmm...
Amy sounds pretty good and she only looks like she's done a FEW lines and not the whole damn rock. She's awkwardly giving a few shout outs to Blake in the middle of her songs. Not bad but I don't know why they hyped this up so much. And she's just won Record of the Year and looks a cross between confused, high, and like she has some serious diarrhea-hea-hea-eh-eh-eh...
Now Andrea Bocelli and Ms. Josh Grobin are doing some duet tribute to Pavarotti. I mean, these two ladies sound ok but it's totally boring. I guess some midwestern housewives are fucking the hell out of themselves with their new dildos...but I'm not that interested.
Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, and John Fogerty? Are they trying to force people to change the channel? This show is already such a snooze and now you're going to have The Golden Girls induce us into a state of sheer boredom? Great Balls of Fire! Honey, I think those balls have shrunk and sunk. Jerry is completely senile and barely knows where he is. And can we please talk about what a raging queen Little Richard is? We should really nickname him Little Dick (that likes dick). Little Dick has more makeup on than even trannies would allow for. And that weave looks INSANE!
What is this weird Will.I.Am mess? I thik they've run out of things and are just making shit up on the fly. This is B-O-R-I-N-G... Will.I.Am should be renamed Will.You.Stop...
Um, Herbie Hancock just won Album of the Year? This is ridiculous. Kanye just shit his panties.
Good night!
Well, the show is off to a horrifically boring start featuring a "duet" between Miss Frank Sinatra and Alicia Keys. Isn't this just so predictable and derivative? Snooze! Didn't Celine Dion do this already? Ugh.
Next up is Ms. Carrie Underwood performing "Before He Cheats". Was someone styled by Danity Kane's blind stylist? Ugh! Homegirl looks like a tranny! That weave is out of control, sister! That horse hair looks like it's from the Ken Paves line of Jessica's ass hair. Yuck! She sounds nice though.
Jimmy Jam is now reuniting with The Time? The who? The what? We're out of time! This is about as exciting as picking your nose with a cactus. A bad idea and painful!
Oh la la and the big surprise here is Ms. Rihanna working that Umbrella - ella - ella -eh- eh - eh! This sounds amazing! And I'm loving RiRi's girl-on-girl haircut. There's certainly some hooting and hollering from Park Slope tonight...and that's just the sounds of hundreds of vibrators humming together. Girlfriend is rolling into "Don't Stop the Music" and it's simply divine. This panty wetter can do no wrong. Love love love!
Ok, on to the old fart tributes...like anyone gives a shit. This translates into getting up and taking a poop on the toilet from all that 7 layer dip you just ate. There's some sort of tribute to The Beatles and Yoko looks like she'd rather be hanging from a noose than sitting in the seats next to the other old timers. And really...a Cirque du Soleil performance? More like Cirque du SoGay! What queen is producing this show?
Miz Kanye is up next dueting with Daft Punk on "Stronger". Now you all know Ms. Kanye works my weave into a frenzy and annoys the bowels out of me...but this performance is hot! It's very futuristic and savvy. Yes, he's wearing the lame glasses and some glow in the dark decals...but the concept is superb. Well done, babycakes. And we love those crazy Frenchies, Daft Punk! Work it, you weirdos! Loving.
And now Kanye's doing a tribute to his mother. Aww this is sweet but does he really need to shave the word "Mama" into his head? Hmm... This seems taboo for me to shit talk so I'll keep quiet.
Fergie is singing her ditty "Finally" with Ms. John "I only sleep with men but I'm not that gay" Legend on piano. She sounds good! I guess laying off the meth keeps her pee in her bladder and her voice pristine! Work, honey!
And now the big moment...possibly the gayest thing to ever air on television...Ms. Cher introducing a duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner! I think anal beads are exploding around the globe at this cosmic union of mo-ness!
Ms. Cher looks great for being 150 years old. However, she didn't just get botox...her head is actually just a syringe now pumped full of it. We should call her Cher-tox.
What is this Beyonce intro? Did someone see Chicago one to many times? You know some queen choreographed this hot mess. Oh geez...Best Week Ever is going to have a field day. And sweetie...there's some serious camel toe action happening. I can see your eggs...and it's not even Easter yet.
Here comes Miss Tina! Wow! She also looks phenomenal for being over a century old...and holy nipples! It can't be that cold in the Staples Center...but there sure are some raisins on them (old saggy) muffins. She's starting with a gorgeous rendition of "What's Love Got to Do with It?". She sounds amazing. You show those young bitches how to work it, mama!
And her comes Beyonce for the "Proud Mary" duet...Thank goodness she changed out of that GD outfit. This silver sparkly number is acceptable, if not totally predictable. They sound heavenly together. This is essentially Divas Live, if VH1 hadn't retardedly cancelled that show...
Did everyone just see Beyonce step on Tina's foot? Ha! Tina just gave her a stare down like "Bitch, I'm gonna cut your ass if you get that close to me again!". And is this the Grammy's or a hair show? There are some serious weaves on this stage. I hope Beyonce's "locks" don't come flying off and hit Ms. Tina in the eye. Or actually, maybe I do...
I am totally over this "My Grammy moment" contest or whatever the fuck their integrated marketing department raped them into doing. I barely understand what's going on. And of course the slut whore Asian girl wins. Everyone probably thinks she's going to shove a violin up her vajayjay and gold coins will fall out. Jackpot!
The Foo Fighters are performing and it's just ok. They're good live but on TV, I'd rather make love to a straw hat than watch Dave Grohl toss his weave around and sweat.
Ok, Miss Brad Paisley is on now and is he seriously singing a song called "Ticks" where the chorus sings "I'd like to check you for ticks"? This is ridiculous. I wish Beyonce would have dueted on this number. That would be hot. I don't really understand the appeal of Brad. He looks like he could check my oil and beat his wife while drinking a Pabst, ya feel me? MmHMMM...
Why is Solange presenting? Wow, that Matthew Knowles really has a lockdown on Beyonce's appearance where he requires that the dumb knocked up younger sister gets to appear too. Doesn't she feel like a massive tool being there? And that outfit? WHORE-EEE-FLYING!
And now for some gospel...Oh no, honey...Now you all know I love me some Aretha, but... How do I put this? Some fat motherfuckers at home who have to have their jelly forklifted out of bed are watching TV and saying, "Ohhh, Aretha got fat!". What is going on? Straps and exposed shoulders look a hot damn mess on that pile of lard. Is this The Grammy's or some chubby cahser convention? Aretha...PLEASE consider gastric bypass immediately. But you still sound divine regardless of appearance. And I sure do love me some Bebe Winans as well. Work!
Feist is up next wobbling through "1234". I really don't get her. The hipsters loved her. Then they hated her. Some radio plays her, but most don't...and ultimately no one gives a crap. Honey, maybe your brand of bland flies in Canada but no one here gives a shit. Not even a little shit. Not even a fart. Or queef.
Next up is old handbag Keely Smith. Who is she kidding with that black wig? She's just a hot mess with liver spots. And now she's dueting with Kid Rock? This is so atrocious. Oh my lanta Keely is so senile! She's totally confused and wandering around the stage aimlessly. And now's she standing in the middle of The Foo Fighters because she has no idea what else to do. I take it back. This is HEAVEN.
Stevie Wonder is wearing a hot mess leopard print shirt. I am not making any jokes about this but UMMM...
Miss Alicia is back and she's let her weave down. She looks great! I don't know if I'm feeling the big hoops but the rest of her look is cute. A gold gliter top and black tights. Hipsters are salivating and finger banging each other. I love this song, "No One". It's so divine. And big surprise...here comes Ms. John Mayer! He sure is a butterfly, isn't he? Remember when he used to be a skinny beanpole mess? He sure does clean up nicely. Maybe Jessica sucked the ugliness out of him. Ahh memories.
Oh NO SHE DIDN'T! Ms. Vince Gill (he needs to go on a diet) just said "I just got an award from a Beatle...Have you, Kanye?" Oh no she didn't! I had to say it again. You know Kanye is sitting there fidgeting, trying to think of something clever to say. Ms. Vince might just get bitch slapped. I want to see those two ladies go at it.
And my girl Rhinna just won for Best Rap Song, hugged Jay-Z in front of Beyonce, and is holding his hand! Ha! Beyonce looks like she's gonna cut that bitch up. This is heaven. There is some serious chemistry between Rhianna and Jay-Z...chemistry only found after sharing private parts. Sit on my face!
Now the big moment...Ms. Amy Winehouse, live from London. Um, why is Cuba Gooding Jr. introducing her? This makes no sense. Has "Jerry McGuire" money run out, Cuba? Hmm...
Amy sounds pretty good and she only looks like she's done a FEW lines and not the whole damn rock. She's awkwardly giving a few shout outs to Blake in the middle of her songs. Not bad but I don't know why they hyped this up so much. And she's just won Record of the Year and looks a cross between confused, high, and like she has some serious diarrhea-hea-hea-eh-eh-eh...
Now Andrea Bocelli and Ms. Josh Grobin are doing some duet tribute to Pavarotti. I mean, these two ladies sound ok but it's totally boring. I guess some midwestern housewives are fucking the hell out of themselves with their new dildos...but I'm not that interested.
Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, and John Fogerty? Are they trying to force people to change the channel? This show is already such a snooze and now you're going to have The Golden Girls induce us into a state of sheer boredom? Great Balls of Fire! Honey, I think those balls have shrunk and sunk. Jerry is completely senile and barely knows where he is. And can we please talk about what a raging queen Little Richard is? We should really nickname him Little Dick (that likes dick). Little Dick has more makeup on than even trannies would allow for. And that weave looks INSANE!
What is this weird Will.I.Am mess? I thik they've run out of things and are just making shit up on the fly. This is B-O-R-I-N-G... Will.I.Am should be renamed Will.You.Stop...
Um, Herbie Hancock just won Album of the Year? This is ridiculous. Kanye just shit his panties.
Good night!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Show Me Love
On Tuesday night, I went to see the one and only Robyn. I met my peeps at Pop Burger for a dinner of lobster nachos and wine (oh I love it!) and then we zipped to the Highline Ballroom. The room was packed with Euros and more mo's than you could throw a hand bag at. It was sweaty and scintillating. Luckily, we had a VIP situation on the side so the juice of the commonner was not splashed on to us.
Robyn worked her new album and brought out the hits! It was like 1997 all over again. Ahhh youth. After the show, we were introduced to the spritely Swede and she was incredibly gracious and lovely. A few of us hit Soho house for some snackage and cocktails before bed.
Robyn worked her new album and brought out the hits! It was like 1997 all over again. Ahhh youth. After the show, we were introduced to the spritely Swede and she was incredibly gracious and lovely. A few of us hit Soho house for some snackage and cocktails before bed.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Superbowl Sunday
Like I give a flying fuck! Ahh yes, the most watched American event of the year is upon us...it's Superbore Sunday...I mean, Superbowl Sunday...! But let us break down this cultural phenomenon for what is really is, shall we? It's a day where fat, greasy Americans lay on the couch, eat 7 layer dips, scratch their balls, and beat their wives. What could be more American than that??! But seriously, someone needs to explain the "significance" or "masculinity" of a whole bunch of men running around in tights, throwing a "big brown ball" at each other, all while trying to "tackle" the opponent where one's crotch ends up being in the other's face. Let's not mention the gratuituous bending over where balls are flung into the arms of another man. And the finale where they all end up in a big group shower and slap each other's ass. No no, I am not pitching a show idea to Bravo or the Playgirl channel...this is American football! MmHmmm...
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