The E! preshow is as bland as ever. Where is Kathy Griffin? We miss her dearly. Closet Case Seacrest is really trying his best but honey, it's like watching someone give themselves a bikini wax with tweezer. Ugh!
Who just saw Gary Busey attack Jennifer Gardner on the red carpet? Laura Linney looks horrified, Ryan just shit his pants, and Jennifer has NO clue who he is. Ha! Someone's fallen off the truck...Back to celeb rehab, you old hot mess!
Now over to the ABC red carpet telecast and this is even MORE of a hot mess!!! Who knew this atrocity was possible? Regis Phibin is the main correspondent?!!?!?! Was Robin Leach too busy plucking his back hair? What naff cunt thought up this concept? Catering to fucking middle America always ruins everything. Politics, red carpets, etc. Boo!
What exactly is happening with Miss John Travolta's new weave? The butt cut weave has been replaced with some sort of velcro stick-on moss mess! Did he shave his boyfriend's balls and make a hair piece? I really don't understand. And that hot mess beard of his, Kelly Preston...what is she thinking? Well, she's probably thinking since I have no career otherwise, I might as well partner up with this big queen to get some spotlight! Money is money, I suppose. Even mo's in San Francisco are yelling, "Girl, you have GOT to be kidding"! Courtesy of Ms. Sheree, she likens the Travolta to: http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/gallery/2002/01/03/monkey300.jpg
Why is Miley Cyrus at The Oscars? I don't think the Hannah Montana concert movie is nominated. I really don't understand the phenomenon. What I can say is in a few years, she's totally going to be the new Hollywood party girl. Remember when La Lohan used to be fresh faced, innocent, and only make Disney movies? Look what happened there...and you know Miley is going in the same direction. She has anal porn written all over her.
Oh. My. Lanta. Who just say Daniel Day-Lewis' "wife", Rebecca Miller? What a HOT mess? That dress...with the plastic flowers and red bow tied straps? Trannies all over the world are fainting at the sight of this horror.
Ahh the big show has begun! What did you all think of Miss John Stewart's monologue? It was ok but a bit bland, don't you think? Funny, but not too funny. Little Johnny...you could have done better!
Finally, the boring awards are done with and we're up to Actor in a Supporting Role. My girl Jennifer Hudson is presenting and I have to say...that dress is a big mistake! What is she exactly wearing? First of all, weren't there rumors that she lost a lot of weight? Clearly not! The makeup is impeccable and the weave is flawless...but all eyes are on that heinous dress! Yuck!
And the winner is Javier Bardem! What in the hell is he saying?! Who knows! And now he's gabbing in Spanish! Is this Univision? I used to watch El Ritmo de la Noche and not have a damn clue what was going on. Deja vu!
Tilda Swinton has won Actress in a Supporting Role?!?! Who is this British Alien? Did she come out of some sewer in Camden? My weave is confused. How did Cate Blanchett or Ruby Dee lose to this weirdo?
Actress in a Leading Role has gone to Marion Cotillard! What an upset! Julie Christie looks like she could cut a bitch. I haven't seen La Vie en Rose but I am sure I would love it as I am a raging francophile. Her acceptance speech was totally endearing and I may have gotten a bit misty...down there.
What is going on with all these fucking montages? Enough already! Nostalgia is for old birds. Let's move this shit ALONG.
Actor in a Leading Role has been given to Daniel Day-Lewis for his work in "There Will Be Blood". Clearly, I did not see this film because it does not fall under the Romantic Comedy / Teen Drama category but it seems that everyone is licking his asshole for his portrayal. He's quite an odd man, isn't he? Don't you just imagine that he has days of tantric sex with his strange wife, all while burning incense out of his ass? He's so the Burning Man type. I do like him though. He seems surprisingly genuine.
And the Best Motion Picture goes to No Viagra for Old Men...wait, what? Whatever, totally didn't see this one either. It looks "serious" and I am "not".
Thankfully this broadcast is over...it could not have been anymore boring!
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