The Grammy's

Ahh yes, it's music's biggest night so let's celebrate with some live blogging, shall we?

Well, the show is off to a horrifically boring start featuring a "duet" between Miss Frank Sinatra and Alicia Keys. Isn't this just so predictable and derivative? Snooze! Didn't Celine Dion do this already? Ugh.

Next up is Ms. Carrie Underwood performing "Before He Cheats". Was someone styled by Danity Kane's blind stylist? Ugh! Homegirl looks like a tranny! That weave is out of control, sister! That horse hair looks like it's from the Ken Paves line of Jessica's ass hair. Yuck! She sounds nice though.

Jimmy Jam is now reuniting with The Time? The who? The what? We're out of time! This is about as exciting as picking your nose with a cactus. A bad idea and painful!

Oh la la and the big surprise here is Ms. Rihanna working that Umbrella - ella - ella -eh- eh - eh! This sounds amazing! And I'm loving RiRi's girl-on-girl haircut. There's certainly some hooting and hollering from Park Slope tonight...and that's just the sounds of hundreds of vibrators humming together. Girlfriend is rolling into "Don't Stop the Music" and it's simply divine. This panty wetter can do no wrong. Love love love!

Ok, on to the old fart tributes...like anyone gives a shit. This translates into getting up and taking a poop on the toilet from all that 7 layer dip you just ate. There's some sort of tribute to The Beatles and Yoko looks like she'd rather be hanging from a noose than sitting in the seats next to the other old timers. And really...a Cirque du Soleil performance? More like Cirque du SoGay! What queen is producing this show?

Miz Kanye is up next dueting with Daft Punk on "Stronger". Now you all know Ms. Kanye works my weave into a frenzy and annoys the bowels out of me...but this performance is hot! It's very futuristic and savvy. Yes, he's wearing the lame glasses and some glow in the dark decals...but the concept is superb. Well done, babycakes. And we love those crazy Frenchies, Daft Punk! Work it, you weirdos! Loving.

And now Kanye's doing a tribute to his mother. Aww this is sweet but does he really need to shave the word "Mama" into his head? Hmm... This seems taboo for me to shit talk so I'll keep quiet.

Fergie is singing her ditty "Finally" with Ms. John "I only sleep with men but I'm not that gay" Legend on piano. She sounds good! I guess laying off the meth keeps her pee in her bladder and her voice pristine! Work, honey!

And now the big moment...possibly the gayest thing to ever air on television...Ms. Cher introducing a duet between Beyonce and Tina Turner! I think anal beads are exploding around the globe at this cosmic union of mo-ness!

Ms. Cher looks great for being 150 years old. However, she didn't just get botox...her head is actually just a syringe now pumped full of it. We should call her Cher-tox.

What is this Beyonce intro? Did someone see Chicago one to many times? You know some queen choreographed this hot mess. Oh geez...Best Week Ever is going to have a field day. And sweetie...there's some serious camel toe action happening. I can see your eggs...and it's not even Easter yet.

Here comes Miss Tina! Wow! She also looks phenomenal for being over a century old...and holy nipples! It can't be that cold in the Staples Center...but there sure are some raisins on them (old saggy) muffins. She's starting with a gorgeous rendition of "What's Love Got to Do with It?". She sounds amazing. You show those young bitches how to work it, mama!

And her comes Beyonce for the "Proud Mary" duet...Thank goodness she changed out of that GD outfit. This silver sparkly number is acceptable, if not totally predictable. They sound heavenly together. This is essentially Divas Live, if VH1 hadn't retardedly cancelled that show...

Did everyone just see Beyonce step on Tina's foot? Ha! Tina just gave her a stare down like "Bitch, I'm gonna cut your ass if you get that close to me again!". And is this the Grammy's or a hair show? There are some serious weaves on this stage. I hope Beyonce's "locks" don't come flying off and hit Ms. Tina in the eye. Or actually, maybe I do...

I am totally over this "My Grammy moment" contest or whatever the fuck their integrated marketing department raped them into doing. I barely understand what's going on. And of course the slut whore Asian girl wins. Everyone probably thinks she's going to shove a violin up her vajayjay and gold coins will fall out. Jackpot!

The Foo Fighters are performing and it's just ok. They're good live but on TV, I'd rather make love to a straw hat than watch Dave Grohl toss his weave around and sweat.

Ok, Miss Brad Paisley is on now and is he seriously singing a song called "Ticks" where the chorus sings "I'd like to check you for ticks"? This is ridiculous. I wish Beyonce would have dueted on this number. That would be hot. I don't really understand the appeal of Brad. He looks like he could check my oil and beat his wife while drinking a Pabst, ya feel me? MmHMMM...

Why is Solange presenting? Wow, that Matthew Knowles really has a lockdown on Beyonce's appearance where he requires that the dumb knocked up younger sister gets to appear too. Doesn't she feel like a massive tool being there? And that outfit? WHORE-EEE-FLYING!

And now for some gospel...Oh no, honey...Now you all know I love me some Aretha, but... How do I put this? Some fat motherfuckers at home who have to have their jelly forklifted out of bed are watching TV and saying, "Ohhh, Aretha got fat!". What is going on? Straps and exposed shoulders look a hot damn mess on that pile of lard. Is this The Grammy's or some chubby cahser convention? Aretha...PLEASE consider gastric bypass immediately. But you still sound divine regardless of appearance. And I sure do love me some Bebe Winans as well. Work!

Feist is up next wobbling through "1234". I really don't get her. The hipsters loved her. Then they hated her. Some radio plays her, but most don't...and ultimately no one gives a crap. Honey, maybe your brand of bland flies in Canada but no one here gives a shit. Not even a little shit. Not even a fart. Or queef.

Next up is old handbag Keely Smith. Who is she kidding with that black wig? She's just a hot mess with liver spots. And now she's dueting with Kid Rock? This is so atrocious. Oh my lanta Keely is so senile! She's totally confused and wandering around the stage aimlessly. And now's she standing in the middle of The Foo Fighters because she has no idea what else to do. I take it back. This is HEAVEN.

Stevie Wonder is wearing a hot mess leopard print shirt. I am not making any jokes about this but UMMM...

Miss Alicia is back and she's let her weave down. She looks great! I don't know if I'm feeling the big hoops but the rest of her look is cute. A gold gliter top and black tights. Hipsters are salivating and finger banging each other. I love this song, "No One". It's so divine. And big surprise...here comes Ms. John Mayer! He sure is a butterfly, isn't he? Remember when he used to be a skinny beanpole mess? He sure does clean up nicely. Maybe Jessica sucked the ugliness out of him. Ahh memories.

Oh NO SHE DIDN'T! Ms. Vince Gill (he needs to go on a diet) just said "I just got an award from a Beatle...Have you, Kanye?" Oh no she didn't! I had to say it again. You know Kanye is sitting there fidgeting, trying to think of something clever to say. Ms. Vince might just get bitch slapped. I want to see those two ladies go at it.

And my girl Rhinna just won for Best Rap Song, hugged Jay-Z in front of Beyonce, and is holding his hand! Ha! Beyonce looks like she's gonna cut that bitch up. This is heaven. There is some serious chemistry between Rhianna and Jay-Z...chemistry only found after sharing private parts. Sit on my face!

Now the big moment...Ms. Amy Winehouse, live from London. Um, why is Cuba Gooding Jr. introducing her? This makes no sense. Has "Jerry McGuire" money run out, Cuba? Hmm...

Amy sounds pretty good and she only looks like she's done a FEW lines and not the whole damn rock. She's awkwardly giving a few shout outs to Blake in the middle of her songs. Not bad but I don't know why they hyped this up so much. And she's just won Record of the Year and looks a cross between confused, high, and like she has some serious diarrhea-hea-hea-eh-eh-eh...

Now Andrea Bocelli and Ms. Josh Grobin are doing some duet tribute to Pavarotti. I mean, these two ladies sound ok but it's totally boring. I guess some midwestern housewives are fucking the hell out of themselves with their new dildos...but I'm not that interested.

Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, and John Fogerty? Are they trying to force people to change the channel? This show is already such a snooze and now you're going to have The Golden Girls induce us into a state of sheer boredom? Great Balls of Fire! Honey, I think those balls have shrunk and sunk. Jerry is completely senile and barely knows where he is. And can we please talk about what a raging queen Little Richard is? We should really nickname him Little Dick (that likes dick). Little Dick has more makeup on than even trannies would allow for. And that weave looks INSANE!

What is this weird Will.I.Am mess? I thik they've run out of things and are just making shit up on the fly. This is B-O-R-I-N-G... Will.I.Am should be renamed Will.You.Stop...

Um, Herbie Hancock just won Album of the Year? This is ridiculous. Kanye just shit his panties.

Good night!