Thursday, April 30, 2009

American Idol

Last week, that c-rag Anoop and weave-tastic Lil Rounds got the boot. And last night, my precious peanut, the best mole carrying citizen in Michigan, Matt got the boot.

So who's left? America's favorite fatty, Danny, gets the Midwestern vote., Mo mo-licious Adam gets the gay and confused female vote, and Miss Kris gets the panty creaming female and vertically challenged Americans vote (Short people are people too...sheesh!). I would like to see Adam and Kris in the Finals. I think those two ladies can really work their weaves and give us a titillating performance. Tell Danny there's a free Krispy Kreme giveaway in the Valley and he'll be nowhere to be found.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Good Save

How the fuck Lil Rounds didn't get her wig booted is beyond me! Good thing the judges had the good sense to save my precious Matt! Work it out, Matt! Play that funky music, white boy! I have a sneaking suspicion that these two will both get canned next week. We shall see.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

American Idol

My little beavers, apologies for not posting last week, but this socialite has been on the MOVE! Let's just say we all knew blind boy of Alabama, or wherever the fuck he was from, was gonna get the boot. We all saw that one coming...well, all of us but poor Scottie. I think more people were interested in his David Chokachi-lookin brother than Mr. Keller. 1-800-PANTRY CREAMER.

Last night's performances were mildly entertaining, at best. And honestly, who the fuck picked the theme? It was like a Bryan Adams circle jerk. And what exactly was happening with Ms. Quentin's weave? He looks like a pedophile's retarded brother who teaches English at the local community college. My prediction is that if Lil Rounds gets the boot tonight, they'll let her wig go. However, if it's anyone else, they'll use the stupid "save". Whatever, let's get started.

Adam Lambert: Lady Lambert sang Born to be Wild and it was a Pete Wentz spectacle. I'm surprised he didn't leave a trail of lube as Miss Thang bounced around the stage like he forgot to turn his vibrating dildo off. Work! To be honest, his performance was magnificent. He has amazing vocals and as Paula would slur, "GRRLLL, you can sang the phone book and I would love it!". This lady will definitely be in the top 2, but will he win? Most ladies and mo's hope so, but I think those people in the middle might not like his Bravo TV loving ways.

Allison Iraheta: Now you all know I can't really deal with her weave. The stupid punky red situation just looks like a dirty tampon on her head and honey, it ain't cute. However, she sang I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing and I didn't hate it! Maybe I had something in my ears (Oh child, YOU know...) but it was actually, dare I say, totally pleasant! I think the raspy voice works with this song and if I didn't have to look at her horrifying face, I might have REALLY enjoyed it! Ok, enough pleasantries...this porker won't win so why bother.
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Anoop Desai: I don't understand the fascination. He's so smug and gross and his persona just reeks of some douche that says "I got you, boo". No, Anoop, you don't have me. Your performance of Everything I Do was an abomination of the original which was essentially an abomination of a dirty diaper. Go home, loser!

Danny Gokey: Miss Gokey lost the glasses last night but it didn't help! Our favorite tub of fun bounded about and sang Endless Love , no doubt while picturing a plate of donuts. Mmmm bear claws. America loves him because he's fat and reminds them of their cousin Ralph who was so sweet in high school but could never find a date. He sat at home on a Saturday night, curled up with a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of, ahem, hand lotion. Free toppings! Ew sick. I hope this hog doesn't make it to the finals.

Kris Allen: I mean, seriously. Was there a dry crotch in the house? I think not. Miss Kris sang Falling Slowly and it was simply divine intervention. It was gorgeously performed and I loved every second. But what the FUCK is up with his wife? A white t-shirt under a frumpy sun dress? This is American Idol, ho...not What Not to Wear. Let' s send Miss Kris to the finals! Work that weave!

Lil Rounds: Oh NO. Lil?! What is going on? You're sucking harder than a tranny hooker in a recession. I don't understand. You seriously picked The Rose as your song choice? Were all the Carpenters songs taken? It makes no sense. This might be the end of the line for you, my dear. Pack that wig glue up. You're done.

Matt Giraud: My precious peanut, Matt, sang Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman and it was a pitiful mess. You know I love the soulful Gavin DeGraw situation he's got going on, but this performance was off key and a total debacle. Miss Matt and his mole are probably going to be in the bottom 3 tonight. It's becoming painfully clear that he won't win this competition but look on the bright side, he might release a sex tape in the future. Actually, who the fuck would want to see that? Actually, we all do.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Goodbye Megan Misery


Well done, America! You finally did something right! Last night, the country voted off the most atrocious hog of a dame, Megan Misery, off of Idol! She will now have to go back to Utah and turn tricks at the local Shell station. She can sing you any song you'd like with five cocks in her mouth. Oh hey powerplug! Come one! Come all!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

American Beaver / Beaver Idol

My little beavers, did you all watch Idol last night? What exactly happened? Why was it so horrifying? Did someone in the house indulge in overly excited anal and have to be rushed to the emergency room? Did everyone else have to go to the hospital and stay with him/her (oh, but y'all know who I'm talking about...) all night and console with words of sympathy like, "Don't worry, they can reconstruct your anal lining, dear"? The show was atrocious! Train wreck after train wreck...so let's begin.


Adam Lambert: Lady Lambert sang Play That Funky Music with all the zest of a new bottle of lube being cracked and squirted for the first time. Smells like Springtime! Yes, his vocals were impeccable and the judges loved him. However, one key question to ponder is, "Where exactly have Miss Lambert's testicles gone"? Did he make a necklace with them? Maybe a pendulum? Tick tock tick tock, what what!! I doubt Lady Lambert will win but he sure puts on a fine show. Mika would be proud.


Allison Iraheta: This freak show sang 90's anthem Don't Speak with the fervor of an angst teen who hangs out at the local bus depot smoking cloves and waxing philosophical with the town drunk. What was with her outfit? Was Hot Topic liquidating? Irritata tries too hard to mimic Hayley from Paramore and it's just a hot tranny mess. The vocals were fine but far too distracting was the miserable outfit and dumb young persona. Loser!


Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang Usher's Caught Up and it was simply a disaster. First of all, why would Snoop say that he's aspiring to be an R&B singer? He has no rhythm, no soul... he's more of an Indian Michael Bubbles. Croon, bitch! And that personality! He's still too smug for his own good. I don't think he has a chance of winning but we shall see.


Danny Gokey: Tub of Ugly sang What Hurts the Most and shockingly, I wasn't horrified. Yes, his appearance is a hot lardy mess and I am praying that all that Midwesterners aren't screaming, "Oh that precious Danny boy! He looks like cousin Clyde! I can relate! OMG! He's signing a Rascal Flatts song! I'm stupid and love country. Yeehaw!" Party beavers, we don't need another generic Taylor Hicks on our hands. Boring and over!


Kris Allen: Pantie creamer Miss Kris sang Ain't No Sunshine and a collective "OMG OMG OMG he's so hot!" was heard around the country. In the eyes of the tweens and mo's, Miss Kris can do no wrong...and I agree! His vocals are beautiful and he's got everything going for him except that landfill of a wife. I will also note that his weird pedo-stache was not cute and he needs to shave those five whiskers off pronto! Miss Kris, you're not edgy with facial hair! You just look 16. Do you have a learner's permit? I will make my official prediction now and say that Miss Kris will win the whole situation and if not, he'll be the one with a career.


Lil Rounds: The combination of Lil and Celine Dion should have been magic. When I heard she was singing a song by our favorite Canadian songstress, I was thinking Where Does My Heart Beat Now, The Power of Love, or It's All Coming Back To Me Now. It should have been the most glorious moment on recent television. BUT...what happened, Lil? I Surrender? Even MY weave doesn't know that song! Your performance wasn't cute. It didn't move me or my bowels. I was disappointed in you and your crazy ass wig. You're not in Pulp Fiction. Take that ridiculous situation off your head. Did you get it from the Gayle King collection? It's a mess. I expected more from you. Sigh...


Matt Girard: Mattycakes! What happened? Did you swallow a porcupine? What was with that garbled performance? My precious beaver Matt sang The Fray's You Found Me and it sounded like John Mayer with acid reflux. It was borderline painful. Now you all know I love my Mattycakes but this was not a cute situation. I hope he doesn't get booted tonight but it's not looking good.


Megan Joy: This stupid c-rag had the audacity to sing Bob Marley's Turn Your Lights Down Low and it was excruciatingly painful. The talentless hooker thought that the combination of her drone with a slow jam would equate magic, but unfortunately, I've seen used tampons give a better performance. Please remember, every vote for Megan Misery is a vote for inbred bullshit. Go home!


Scott MacIntyre: Helen Keller sang Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are. Can't you see hoards of fat frat boys swaying and singing along while guzzling some sort of champagne of beers? I will say I was surprised that it wasn't as horrifying as his usual performances but I am not giving him any sort of pity vote because he can't see that his new look just makes him look more like some Brian Krakow situation.