Isn't it supposed to be Autumn?

This weave is thankful the week is over! It's been a long one, and honey, not in a good way.

Last night, I headed to the Mean Fiddler for Ms. Mindy's goodbye party to celebrate her departure from MTV. Open bar is so damn tasty and I worked that Ketel like a trannie in the Meatpacking. After more than several drinks, Ms. Christine and I headed Downtown to a Kangol party which turned out to be a hot mess. And by hot mess, I mean that space was boiling hot. Invest in some air conditioning, Kangol! Damn! For no apparent reason, Miss John Legend was there chatting with all the overstyled hipsters. Weirdo.

Gossip Girl

No, bitch, I'm THE Gossip Girl! The secret has been revealed.

Well, I had the pleasure of catching this show last night and I have a lot to comment on. First of all, I will say this show is the mental equivalent of watching Audrina figure out how to use a vibrator with different speeds. It's completely predictable and over the top - basically West Side Story for douchebags. That being said, it's still heaven and this year's hottest guilty pleasure. Let's break down the main characters.

Serena van der Woodsen: The central character, famous from The Sisterhood of the Travelling Panty Liners, has a lot of good qualities (except her name...Seriously...WTF). Think of her as the Mischa Barton character, but with acting abilities. She's come back to town after banging her best friend's boyfriend and everyone hates her. She's such a loner now! Oh please, this cunt will be a walking glory hole at the Palace before the next episode. She's actually getting a tattoo on her upper lip that reads "Insert Here"...to match the one above her ass. It's super cute.

Dan Humphrey: He's the guy smitten with Serena. He's from "the other side of the tracks" and by that, I mean he's from Williamsburg (?!?!). This is totally ridiculous and unrealistic. His family lives in a massive loft and they're considered "rough and poor"? He's actually quite likable and clearly the Ben McKenzie character. The ruffian with a soft side - just like my ass!

Nate Archibald: Seriously, who the fuck came up with these names? He sort of looks like a more stylized James van der Beek, has a weird butt cut, parted in the middle of his hair, and sharper eyebrows than Anastasia herself. Damn gina! He's Blair's boyfriend that banged Serena. This would only be possible...if Serena had a DICK! Homeslice is a big raging 'mo but I guess he'll fake eat vajayjay for a role.

Blair Waldorf: She's Serena's arch nemesis and a total hot mess. She's very Sophia Bush chic...and we all know that bush is never chic. She's super bitchy and a total backstabber. I guess she's a good role model for little girls around the country. Really something to aspire to. She finds out about Nate and Serena's tryst then instantly tells Dan to scare him off. What a power move!

Chuck Bass: Does he know Lance?! Are they domestic partners? He's the "bad boy rich boy". His character is almost a caricature of itself and totally ridiculous. He's just SO pissed off at the world. Wah wah whine whine go shove a cactus in your ass and shut up.

Jenny Humphrey: She's the young impressionable sister of Dan. Oh she's so innocent but you know she'll be doing more cock revolutions than a pair of turntables at Les Deux soon enough!

The Hills Recap

Even in my state of constant vomitting and shitting, I certainly was not going to miss this week's episode of The Hills. I do have priorities, people.

Where should we begin? How about the introduction of Jason's new fiance, Pascha? Who let the trannie out? Doesn't she sort of look like a bleached out version of Audrina? They could be lesbian sisters! She seems like a total cunt and even that drunk Jason could do better. I thought Lauren's eyes were going to bulge out of her head when Jason mentioned her for the first time.

And what about Spencer and Heidi? This storyline is getting wicked tired and boring. I'm surprised they didn't go to Babes in Toyland to register for dildos and vaginal wash. They sure look like they need it! I wonder what will happen with these two. It seems like the wedding is going to get called off very soon. And what about Heidi in a wedding dress? Hot mess!

Finally, Whitney had some plotline this week, however the whole thing was so contrived that I could barely be bothered to pull my finger out of my ass (it was a preventative measure). I loved how Lisa Love put the smack down on her and said, "If anything goes wrong, it's all your fault". No pressure! Could they not have booked a better band that Red Jumpsuit Apparatus though? Was Jefferson Starship not available? Boring! And let's talk about the final frame of Whitney walking away with Lauren. Homebitch is skinny! You never notice how skinny she is because her face is rather full and horselike, but as soon as she stands up...damn! Karen Carpenter called and wants her body back!

I am now a Size 0.

Well, what an adventurous few days it's been. On Saturday, I met up with Ms. Nicola at Soho House for some tasty dinner and many glasses of Rose-eh-eh-eh-eh. Simply delightful. Ms. Mindy came to join us in the festivities and we worked our weaves at the bar. We eventually moved on and ended up at The Bubble Lounge where we crashed a wedding party and danced and sipped champagne to our heart's delight.

Sunday, I met up with Ms. Kelly and Ms. Charlotte at Blue Ribbon Sushi for some tasty raw fish. Enough tuna to make my breath smell like Britney's vajayjay. Holla! Ms. Kelly and I then zipped over to The Yard at the Soho Grand for some more cocktails, and eventually ended the evening at the Mercer Hotel where Mr. Evan met us for one more cocktail.

Well, that must have done me in because I had the misfortune of getting food poisoning Monday. Was it from the sushi? Was it from the fruit in my cocktails? Who knows but what I do know is that I was a walking hot mess. Even Nicole Richie doesn't vomit that much. The plus side? I'm now a size zero. It's really amazing how food poisoning will help deflate you within the span of one day. Loves.

Happy Birthday!

Two special birthday shoutouts. A big happy birthday to Ms. Cora! Enjoy your weekend in Bath! I hope you find some salt shakers to...shake. Gosh, it always tastes so salty.

Also a big what what to Ms. Nicole Richie! I hope you take this one day of the year to...eat.

Save the Music

My weave attended the Save the Music Gala last night and it was quite an event. It was held at the Tent behind the Lincoln Center and was celeb galore so let me break it down.

Mariah Carey: Someone's on the cabbage diet! She looked amazing! When she came out of her SUV, swarms of fans were on the street and they all started screaming and chanting "Mariah". Rather than being rushed right onto the carpet, she told her security she wanted to say hi to the people and crossed over and signed autographs, took pictures, etc. I'm sure she did it because she's an attention whore and needs the adoration, but I still thought that was pretty nice. It was quite odd though that every time before anyone took a picture with or of her (photogs, fans, etc), she had her makeup artist touch her up. I guess she doesn't want to be shiny, even in some random fan's photo of her. Insecurity called!

Bill Clinton: He's my hero so I won't mention the fact that he could use about 25 chemical peels and more cucumbers on those bags than he can muster. Loves him.

John Mayer: He's working a new shorter weave and some bronzer that would have made Jessica jealous. He actually looked quite good cleaned up and his weave wasn't out of control per usual.

Conan O'Brien: That is one tall ginger. He was hysterical as usual.

Jon Bon Jovi: Homeslice has definitely had some cosmetic surgery done lately. He was pulled back so far that his ears were actually on MY head. That's hard to manage. He performed well (and with John Mayer on guitar) and sounded good.

Tim Gunn: This old lady is...well, old! I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with him, but I have a feeling he's what John Norris is destined to be. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if those two sit around on the weekends and play with a deck of "Old Maid" cards, and their penises.

Roger Waters: He may be a legend, but he could definitely use a stylist, a makeup artist, a hair groomer, a new body, a new face, and a new attitude. He was friendly with the "public school children" though.

Pat O'Brien: What exactly is wrong with him? He was just sort of lurking about and peering at the kids. I have a feeling he was fantasizing about the little girls "bobbing for apples" in his pants. Gross!

Maria Menounos: This talentless hooker was the host of the event. Bad choice! Was Elizabeth Hasslebeck unavailable? To me, those two idiots are cut from the same plastic that they make the Purple Penetrator with. Not interested!

The event was gorgeous and we spent much of the evening chatting with Ms. Mya. She's charming and beautiful and that's all I need to be happy. Afterwards, we hit the after party at The Empire Hotel and Ms. Berna came to join in on the festivities. Mr. Nick Lachey hosted and I almost moved in into the open bar. It's a bad sign when bartenders at a big event can remember your drink order. Ms. Vanessa was also there and was sweet and chatty as always.

Singer Songwriter Wednesdays

Have you ever gone to five events in one night and wondered how it all was possible? Indeed that was my evening last night with Ms. Berna. We began our evening at the Save the Music event at Bloomingdales, complete with very sweet cocktails and a coma-inducing performance by Vanessa Carlton. After downing four beverages, we zipped down to the Meatpacking to have a gorgeous dinner at Ono. We munched a ton of raw fish (including a free spicy tuna roll which was...spicy - sheesh!) then strolled up to the Highline Ballroom for a lovely performance by James Blunt (Thanks Lacey!). He was heaven and I strongly suggest you all run out to your local music stores and get the new album immediately. Don't illegally download. That's dumb.

THEN, we cabbed over to the Bowery Ballroom to catch a set by Jon McLaughlin who was delightful as always (Thanks Christine!). Work that piano! We finally ended the evening at Angels and Kings for the KT Tunstall after party where we consumed ten too many additional adult beverages. Needless to say, I'm lookin a hot mess and am surprised I didn't end up face down ass up on the couch when I passed out shortly thereafter.