Gossip Girl

No, bitch, I'm THE Gossip Girl! The secret has been revealed.

Well, I had the pleasure of catching this show last night and I have a lot to comment on. First of all, I will say this show is the mental equivalent of watching Audrina figure out how to use a vibrator with different speeds. It's completely predictable and over the top - basically West Side Story for douchebags. That being said, it's still heaven and this year's hottest guilty pleasure. Let's break down the main characters.

Serena van der Woodsen: The central character, famous from The Sisterhood of the Travelling Panty Liners, has a lot of good qualities (except her name...Seriously...WTF). Think of her as the Mischa Barton character, but with acting abilities. She's come back to town after banging her best friend's boyfriend and everyone hates her. She's such a loner now! Oh please, this cunt will be a walking glory hole at the Palace before the next episode. She's actually getting a tattoo on her upper lip that reads "Insert Here"...to match the one above her ass. It's super cute.

Dan Humphrey: He's the guy smitten with Serena. He's from "the other side of the tracks" and by that, I mean he's from Williamsburg (?!?!). This is totally ridiculous and unrealistic. His family lives in a massive loft and they're considered "rough and poor"? He's actually quite likable and clearly the Ben McKenzie character. The ruffian with a soft side - just like my ass!

Nate Archibald: Seriously, who the fuck came up with these names? He sort of looks like a more stylized James van der Beek, has a weird butt cut, parted in the middle of his hair, and sharper eyebrows than Anastasia herself. Damn gina! He's Blair's boyfriend that banged Serena. This would only be possible...if Serena had a DICK! Homeslice is a big raging 'mo but I guess he'll fake eat vajayjay for a role.

Blair Waldorf: She's Serena's arch nemesis and a total hot mess. She's very Sophia Bush chic...and we all know that bush is never chic. She's super bitchy and a total backstabber. I guess she's a good role model for little girls around the country. Really something to aspire to. She finds out about Nate and Serena's tryst then instantly tells Dan to scare him off. What a power move!

Chuck Bass: Does he know Lance?! Are they domestic partners? He's the "bad boy rich boy". His character is almost a caricature of itself and totally ridiculous. He's just SO pissed off at the world. Wah wah whine whine go shove a cactus in your ass and shut up.

Jenny Humphrey: She's the young impressionable sister of Dan. Oh she's so innocent but you know she'll be doing more cock revolutions than a pair of turntables at Les Deux soon enough!