VMA's

Um, I'm so sorry to say this, but this is potentially the biggest flop that's ever aired on TV. This show is so horrendously bad that I'd rather watch overweight women give birth. I have a feeling that many of my co-workers are about to lose their jobs and that there are going to be some serious evenings out of heavy alcohol consumption and consolation. Instead of Moonmen, everyone's getting pink slips!

Let's start with the pre-show. Uhhh Ms. John Norris looked like an emo-trannie! What exactly is going on? How has he not been fired yet? He said that Panic at the Disco was his style inspiration. The eyeliner, the flat ironed bleached hair, the skeleton scarf? Ms. John, you're about 800 years old...you can't dress like 22 year olds. Get a fucking clue. And where was the talent? Beyonce? Jay-Z? Britney? Justin? Timbaland? Apparently too busy to be there!

And now..."Britney's big performance". Uhh I'm sorry Brit, but did you have somewhere else you needed to be? She looked so bothered to even be there! She put zero effort into her "performance", and by performance, I mean she walked around in a bathing suit with her gut hanging out. She barely bothered to lip sync and hardly danced. She was so sedated! Xanax overdose? There was no surprise guests, and what happened to the Cris Angel contribution? Her career is over.

What's the main problem with this show? Well, there are actually more than several. First of all, the show is lacking some sort of continuous energy. It's just all over the place and makes no sense. Everything is so staged and it's just BORING. The show definitely needed a host to tie the shit together. Secondly, they put some over-the-hill execs in charge of the show creative who think that this suite idea is "young and hip". Um no, it's just lame and poorly lit. This does not translate to screen! Kim Kardashian does better camera work. And also, why are they not showing complete performances? That makes even less sense. This is embarassing. I wonder how this show will rate. Is anyone even watching this mess besides me? I hear "Meet the Fockers" is playing on ABC.

Finally, some saving grace in this pile of shit. Chris Brown and Rihanna! Work it, ladies! Now this is a solid VMA-worthy performance. I do love me some "Umbrella" and Ms. Chris has got some tasty moves. Yes he's the new Usher/Michael Jackson wannabe, but that's fine for me at this point. Work!

Justin's acceptance speech...Priceless! He just said, "MTV needs to play more videos...We don't want to see The Simpsons on reality television"...And he said this...in front of...The Hills girls! Aha! That's classic.

Kanye's performance was decent. Even though he's the biggest pain in the ass (think being gang banged by a band of cactus), I will give girlfriend props. The song is cute and the performance was fine. Take off the fucking white sunglasses though. You look like a tool.

I like this Linkin Park performance. The song is a bit blah but the vibe is that of the EMA's and there's actually some ENERGY in this show. Well done, boys.

Pete Wentz needs a serious weave chop. He's looking a hot mess. And what's up with Ms. Travis from Gym Class Heroes? Too much weave relaxer, honey! The Rihanna/FOB collabo is cute. Shut up and drive! I'm feelin it. That's hot.

I love this Alicia Keys song! Well done, girlfriend! Now this is some hot classic R&B. It gives me a nice early 90's R&B vibe. Loving it. My only comment is that her eye makeup looks like it was done by the famous makeup artist, Helen Keller, and Ms. Alicia needs to not wear those tight ass pants over her big fucking hips. Those aren't birthing hips...that's a fucking birthing hallway! And now's shes rocking the George Michael classic, "Freedom"! All of a sudden, this shit's the GLAAD Awards! Bravo!

So Gym Class Heroes just won Best New Artist (Uh it should have been Amy Winehouse!!) and Jennifer Gardner called them Gym Class Fallout! Haha! What this intentional?!? Is she dissing the emo boys? Classic.

Dr. Dre is being celebrated for the best producer? Ouch! Timbaland must be pissed! Someone's been to the gym...Damn gina. Have another protein shake!

Yay Rihanna just won Video of the Year! Work it, baby! She looks radiant in that pink situation. Loves her, loves the video. Love love love!

Is Diddy really wearing a B.I.G. t-shirt? Are you kidding? How long can he ride that wave? Sick.

Finally! The finale! Now THIS is how a performance should look. The entire show should have been looked like this. Justin, Timbaland, Nelly Furtado...heaven!

How can I best sum up this mess of a show? I will quote Ms. Berna's summation:

"Um, that was like a 5 year reunion. Brit was the head cheerleader, who graduated, drank too much, got knocked up, and now just goes to parties and takes her top off. Justin was her boyfriend she broke up with for college boys, but he turned out to be the greatest thing she'll never be able to have again...".