American Music Awards 2009

Did everyone catch the Anal Music Awards last night? There was so much lube flying that I'm surprised the entire arena didn't turn into a giant slip-n-slide! Is that the smell of failure? No, it's the smell of dirty used condoms and your jelly of choice. There were a few spectacular performances, and ALOT of hot messes. Let's break down the performances by prostate-tickling artists, shall we?

Janet Jackson: For me, personally, it was heaven. JJ brought out the old classics, the Janet we love, and it was a dance party on my prostate. Sure she did some serious lip syncing and you could land a space shuttle on her ass, but we still love her! The dancing was a little lackluster but she worked that damn weave and she owned it!

Shakira: Ms. Columbia 1945 "sang" Give It Up To Me and the only way to sum it up is "epic failure". What was she thinking? The performance was a straight rip off Ms. Beyonce's VMA performance, and that song was beyond atrocious. I'd rather see fatties reenacting 2 Girls, 1 Cup then watch that hot mess again. Those hips lied.

Kelly Clarkson: Quarter Pounder with Clarkson sang Already Gone and it sounded amazing. If this was on the radio, you would have worked your weave along with her and balled your eyes out. HOWEVER, this shit was on the television situation. You know I love me some Kel Kel, but did homegirl deepthroat a damn moose? Is she vying for Adele's body double? Her hair was swept up and accented her seven chins, her makeup was bland, and that OUTFIT! She had some sort of studded situation happening on her fatty arm wrap and it was a total disaster. Are they casting for the next season of Celebrity Fit Club yet?

Jay-Z and Alicia Keys: New Yorrrrrkkkk! Ok ok, we get it...they've been milking the shit out of this song like a two bit epileptic hooker with a hand job problem. I enjoyed the re-imagination with the Sinatra situation but enough already.

Black Eyed Peas: How in the hell did BEP get such a big performance slot? There was so much going on in this hot mess that it was like staring at a hemorrhoid covered asshole and picking the biggest hot spot. Let's break down Fergie's new look. She all of a sudden is less Asian and more plastic. Was she hit in the face by a bat dripping in Botox? I will say, "Damn Gina, gimme the number of her surgeon" because Meth-head looked hot! And what about Will.I.Am? What exactly was happening with that weave? Did he tear it off an Elvis impersonator on Hollywood Blvd and glue that shit on his head? Oy to the vey. So they sang a collection of their new songs and it was as annoying as most of their performances generally are. I did enjoy the robots though, but really, who doesn't enjoy a dancing robot? Or should we rename them...MObots...?

Rihanna: Oh girlfriend. You know I love me some RiRi, but her performance of Wait Your Turn and Hard was simply unbearable. I would rather hit the KC pussy buffet than re-watch that mess. Let's start with the outfit. What exactly is happening here? It was like a futuristic hot mess is what's happening. And aren't you supposed to avoid horizontal stripes? I do enjoy her new blond weave and her makeup was flawless, but child, everything else was a MESS.

Lady Gaga: Crazytown sang her new single Bad Romance and new ballad Speechless and I was indeed speechless. Finally! An amazing performance! Sure, she's batshit crazy, but homeslice can SANG! Her outfit was typical of a hot mess in an insane asylum (nude and bones) but since you know she's looney tunes to start with, it works. Her voice was delicious and you just wanted to deepthroat this performance over and over. And swallow. That piano on fire was cute too.

Mary J. Blige: The Queen of Weaves worked it out with her new single I Am. She sounded amazing but let's be real, the performance was a bit boring next to the string of other ones. She should have brought out some Real Love and my bowels would have had a party like 1999.

Jennifer Lopez: J. Ho sang her new single Louboutins which I personally enjoyed. It's a cute club song. But girlfriend, let's talk about that performance. The boxing motif was so damn tired - the announcer, the robe, the ring - hot hot mess. And yes, the boom heard round the world, Miss Thang fell on that ass but child, there must have been springs in that meaty ass because she bounced right back into choreography. BOING!

Whitney Houston: OH MY LANTA! Miss Whitney shut the shit down with her performance of I Didn't Know My Own Strength...if strength was crack. She sounded pretty damn good considering her body is basically a pharmacy. Did anyone else think her wig was on a little crooked? And yes, she worked it so damn hard that the Whitney sweat was in full effect! I live for some good Whitney sweat! She tried to be as demure as possible but towards the end of the performance, the true Whitney came out and in your head, the Whitney who would scream "BOBBBBYYYYYYYYY" and do the doo on the eau de toilet was BACK! I can't wait for Ms. Whitney to go on tour. Dreams do come true, you mo's.

Alicia Keys: Ms. Alicia belted out Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart and honey, it was a HOT FUCKING MESS. Try sleeping with a broken ear drum! She had an atrocious outfit on that looked like a Michael Jackson stylist reject. The black jacket with gold chains...I mean, I don't fucking think so. Sure her voice was fine, but that damn song was not. They should play that performance in prisons across the country and you know some death row inmates will be begging to die.

Timbaland: When the hell did Miss Timbaland become such a tub of lard? He was workin that 50 inch waist like it was his job! And he sounded atrocious! And who the fuck is SoShy? And why did Nelly Furtado agree to be in this disaster situation? And why was I awake to see this mess? There are so many unanswered questions in the world. Why?

Adam Lambert: If you're weren't a flaming mo before watching this performance, you are one now! Trannybert sang For Your Entertainment and mo's across the country put down their cock rings and gallon sized lube buckets and their jaws dropped. It was like watching High School Musical after everyone got fisted. Trannybert sure thought he could really shock the fuck out of us with forced sexualization and in reality, it was tired and obvious. Watching it, you just thought, "Wow...he just ejaculated in the eye of his career". And it stings.

American Idol

Last week, that c-rag Anoop and weave-tastic Lil Rounds got the boot. And last night, my precious peanut, the best mole carrying citizen in Michigan, Matt got the boot.

So who's left? America's favorite fatty, Danny, gets the Midwestern vote., Mo mo-licious Adam gets the gay and confused female vote, and Miss Kris gets the panty creaming female and vertically challenged Americans vote (Short people are people too...sheesh!). I would like to see Adam and Kris in the Finals. I think those two ladies can really work their weaves and give us a titillating performance. Tell Danny there's a free Krispy Kreme giveaway in the Valley and he'll be nowhere to be found.

Good Save

How the fuck Lil Rounds didn't get her wig booted is beyond me! Good thing the judges had the good sense to save my precious Matt! Work it out, Matt! Play that funky music, white boy! I have a sneaking suspicion that these two will both get canned next week. We shall see.

American Idol

My little beavers, apologies for not posting last week, but this socialite has been on the MOVE! Let's just say we all knew blind boy of Alabama, or wherever the fuck he was from, was gonna get the boot. We all saw that one coming...well, all of us but poor Scottie. I think more people were interested in his David Chokachi-lookin brother than Mr. Keller. 1-800-PANTRY CREAMER.

Last night's performances were mildly entertaining, at best. And honestly, who the fuck picked the theme? It was like a Bryan Adams circle jerk. And what exactly was happening with Ms. Quentin's weave? He looks like a pedophile's retarded brother who teaches English at the local community college. My prediction is that if Lil Rounds gets the boot tonight, they'll let her wig go. However, if it's anyone else, they'll use the stupid "save". Whatever, let's get started.

Adam Lambert: Lady Lambert sang Born to be Wild and it was a Pete Wentz spectacle. I'm surprised he didn't leave a trail of lube as Miss Thang bounced around the stage like he forgot to turn his vibrating dildo off. Work! To be honest, his performance was magnificent. He has amazing vocals and as Paula would slur, "GRRLLL, you can sang the phone book and I would love it!". This lady will definitely be in the top 2, but will he win? Most ladies and mo's hope so, but I think those people in the middle might not like his Bravo TV loving ways.

Allison Iraheta: Now you all know I can't really deal with her weave. The stupid punky red situation just looks like a dirty tampon on her head and honey, it ain't cute. However, she sang I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing and I didn't hate it! Maybe I had something in my ears (Oh child, YOU know...) but it was actually, dare I say, totally pleasant! I think the raspy voice works with this song and if I didn't have to look at her horrifying face, I might have REALLY enjoyed it! Ok, enough pleasantries...this porker won't win so why bother.

.

Anoop Desai: I don't understand the fascination. He's so smug and gross and his persona just reeks of some douche that says "I got you, boo". No, Anoop, you don't have me. Your performance of Everything I Do was an abomination of the original which was essentially an abomination of a dirty diaper. Go home, loser!

Danny Gokey: Miss Gokey lost the glasses last night but it didn't help! Our favorite tub of fun bounded about and sang Endless Love , no doubt while picturing a plate of donuts. Mmmm bear claws. America loves him because he's fat and reminds them of their cousin Ralph who was so sweet in high school but could never find a date. He sat at home on a Saturday night, curled up with a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of, ahem, hand lotion. Free toppings! Ew sick. I hope this hog doesn't make it to the finals.

Kris Allen: I mean, seriously. Was there a dry crotch in the house? I think not. Miss Kris sang Falling Slowly and it was simply divine intervention. It was gorgeously performed and I loved every second. But what the FUCK is up with his wife? A white t-shirt under a frumpy sun dress? This is American Idol, ho...not What Not to Wear. Let' s send Miss Kris to the finals! Work that weave!

Lil Rounds: Oh NO. Lil?! What is going on? You're sucking harder than a tranny hooker in a recession. I don't understand. You seriously picked The Rose as your song choice? Were all the Carpenters songs taken? It makes no sense. This might be the end of the line for you, my dear. Pack that wig glue up. You're done.

Matt Giraud: My precious peanut, Matt, sang Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman and it was a pitiful mess. You know I love the soulful Gavin DeGraw situation he's got going on, but this performance was off key and a total debacle. Miss Matt and his mole are probably going to be in the bottom 3 tonight. It's becoming painfully clear that he won't win this competition but look on the bright side, he might release a sex tape in the future. Actually, who the fuck would want to see that? Actually, we all do.

Goodbye Megan Misery

Well done, America! You finally did something right! Last night, the country voted off the most atrocious hog of a dame, Megan Misery, off of Idol! She will now have to go back to Utah and turn tricks at the local Shell station. She can sing you any song you'd like with five cocks in her mouth. Oh hey powerplug! Come one! Come all!

American Beaver / Beaver Idol

My little beavers, did you all watch Idol last night? What exactly happened? Why was it so horrifying? Did someone in the house indulge in overly excited anal and have to be rushed to the emergency room? Did everyone else have to go to the hospital and stay with him/her (oh, but y'all know who I'm talking about...) all night and console with words of sympathy like, "Don't worry, they can reconstruct your anal lining, dear"? The show was atrocious! Train wreck after train wreck...so let's begin.

Adam Lambert: Lady Lambert sang Play That Funky Music with all the zest of a new bottle of lube being cracked and squirted for the first time. Smells like Springtime! Yes, his vocals were impeccable and the judges loved him. However, one key question to ponder is, "Where exactly have Miss Lambert's testicles gone"? Did he make a necklace with them? Maybe a pendulum? Tick tock tick tock, what what!! I doubt Lady Lambert will win but he sure puts on a fine show. Mika would be proud.

Allison Iraheta: This freak show sang 90's anthem Don't Speak with the fervor of an angst teen who hangs out at the local bus depot smoking cloves and waxing philosophical with the town drunk. What was with her outfit? Was Hot Topic liquidating? Irritata tries too hard to mimic Hayley from Paramore and it's just a hot tranny mess. The vocals were fine but far too distracting was the miserable outfit and dumb young persona. Loser!

Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang Usher's Caught Up and it was simply a disaster. First of all, why would Snoop say that he's aspiring to be an R&B singer? He has no rhythm, no soul... he's more of an Indian Michael Bubbles. Croon, bitch! And that personality! He's still too smug for his own good. I don't think he has a chance of winning but we shall see.

Danny Gokey: Tub of Ugly sang What Hurts the Most and shockingly, I wasn't horrified. Yes, his appearance is a hot lardy mess and I am praying that all that Midwesterners aren't screaming, "Oh that precious Danny boy! He looks like cousin Clyde! I can relate! OMG! He's signing a Rascal Flatts song! I'm stupid and love country. Yeehaw!" Party beavers, we don't need another generic Taylor Hicks on our hands. Boring and over!

Kris Allen: Pantie creamer Miss Kris sang Ain't No Sunshine and a collective "OMG OMG OMG he's so hot!" was heard around the country. In the eyes of the tweens and mo's, Miss Kris can do no wrong...and I agree! His vocals are beautiful and he's got everything going for him except that landfill of a wife. I will also note that his weird pedo-stache was not cute and he needs to shave those five whiskers off pronto! Miss Kris, you're not edgy with facial hair! You just look 16. Do you have a learner's permit? I will make my official prediction now and say that Miss Kris will win the whole situation and if not, he'll be the one with a career.

Lil Rounds: The combination of Lil and Celine Dion should have been magic. When I heard she was singing a song by our favorite Canadian songstress, I was thinking Where Does My Heart Beat Now, The Power of Love, or It's All Coming Back To Me Now. It should have been the most glorious moment on recent television. BUT...what happened, Lil? I Surrender? Even MY weave doesn't know that song! Your performance wasn't cute. It didn't move me or my bowels. I was disappointed in you and your crazy ass wig. You're not in Pulp Fiction. Take that ridiculous situation off your head. Did you get it from the Gayle King collection? It's a mess. I expected more from you. Sigh...

Matt Girard: Mattycakes! What happened? Did you swallow a porcupine? What was with that garbled performance? My precious beaver Matt sang The Fray's You Found Me and it sounded like John Mayer with acid reflux. It was borderline painful. Now you all know I love my Mattycakes but this was not a cute situation. I hope he doesn't get booted tonight but it's not looking good.

Megan Joy: This stupid c-rag had the audacity to sing Bob Marley's Turn Your Lights Down Low and it was excruciatingly painful. The talentless hooker thought that the combination of her drone with a slow jam would equate magic, but unfortunately, I've seen used tampons give a better performance. Please remember, every vote for Megan Misery is a vote for inbred bullshit. Go home!

Scott MacIntyre: Helen Keller sang Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are. Can't you see hoards of fat frat boys swaying and singing along while guzzling some sort of champagne of beers? I will say I was surprised that it wasn't as horrifying as his usual performances but I am not giving him any sort of pity vote because he can't see that his new look just makes him look more like some Brian Krakow situation.

American Idol

My lovely lambs, a new season of American Idol is upon us and you know my weave has more than a few opinions on the losers and the bigger losers. Let's break down the remaining contestants, shall we?

Adam Lambert: Miss Thang sang "Tracks of My Tears" this week in celebration of Motown. Oh hey, it's motown...not MOtown! Was this performance sponsored by KY Jelly? Did someone kick the Kinsey Scale over with a dildo? Miss Lambert sure knows how to work that weave and this week, it was no different. His vocals are deliciously Queen-like (pick a queen, any queen) and I have high hopes for this gentlelady, but I don't think he has a chance of winning. Homegirl also needs to look into some serious air brushing because my imaginary 4WD almost got stuck in those massive pockmarks...or should we say...cockmarks. Sheesh!

Allison Iraheta: She performed "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and I'm very conflicted. I love her vocals but I despise her persona and look. If someone punched Kelly Clarkson in the face then spray tanned over the mess, you'd have Allison. I don't think this smurf has a chance of winning, but if you close your eyes, it's almost entertaining.

Anoop Desai: Snoopy sang "Ohh Baby Baby" and it was simply delightful. He's got a great vocal ability but there's something about his personality that says, "Bitch, I'll cut your ass up" that I don't appreciate. He seems a bit too smug for his own good. He needs to take some humble pie, roll it up into a dildo, ram it up his ass, and let that situation simmer. Simmer down, Snoopy!

Danny Gokey: Yes, I realize he's one of the favourites to win, but really, who wants to watch that tub of lard bounce his situation all over the stage. Do you want to see a Ruben Studdard Speedo ad? Well, I don't want to see a Danny Gokey anything ad. His interpretation of "Get Ready" was a little too karaoke for me. If he wins, his future is the way of silver fox non-ferocia, Taylor Hicks, which is essentially bleak and miserable.

Kris Allen: Ah, our precious little Jason Mraz wannabe...Miss Kris Allen sang "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved by You)" and it was heaven. Too bad his dumpy wife was there. Bitch has gotta have the biggest asshole on the planet to keep her man. "Oh hey honey, tonight we'll be having pot roast and anal. Oh thanks." He's certainly not the best vocalist out of the bunch, but his looks may take him to the finals. Now, that's the American way.

Lil Rounds: Anyone named Lil Rounds has got to be fierce and fabulous, and her weave delivered! Speaking of weave, where did all that hair come from? Loves it! Her rendition of "Heatwave" was soulful and beautiful. You know my situation was dancin around like a California Raisin! She's got solid talent but I'm not sure she's got enough charisma to win over America. Oh, and PS: get rid of those Claire's earrings...that's a hot tranny mess, Lil!

Matt Giraud: Yes! Yes! Yes! Gavin DeGraw, get that wig off and pass the torch, honey! There's a new Michael Bubbles in town! I am feelin it! Miss Matt sang "Let's Get It On" and the pantie creaming across America was palpable (and probably fucking smelly). The ladies, the mo's, they all love the Giraud! I see him as the underdog, bubbling with talent, who will slowly win over the hearts and groins of all Americans. He's genuine and humble. Yes! Yes! Yes!

Megan Joy: Oh what I wouldn't give to get a time machine and go back in time to slap her daddy's dong from her mama's beaver before conception! What is WITH this damn mess? Yes, she's pretty, but in a cheap porn star kind of way. She was the weird girl in high school who was pretty but dated the bad boy losers. Think Audrina Patridge, but more stupid. Wait, is that possible? Megan Misery sang "For Once In My Life" and to say it was atrocious would be the most severe understatement of the year. She has zero...I repeat, ZERO talent and the day this worthless beast is booted off the show, nationwide celebration will resonate. UGH!

Scott MacIntyre: I get it. We all feel bad. Homegirl's blind. Let's hear it for the boy. Whatever. Helen Keller sang "You Can't Hurry Love" and I want to say, "Girl, don't worry! No one will!". The pity vote can only last so long.

The City

And so it begins, another quasi real / mostly fake reality show starring The Hills' fourth lead, Whitney Port, and as expected, it's a hot tranny mess...but actually fairly entertaining (in the same way it's entertaining to watch a dog take a giant shit then sniff it...).

The double header premiere tells the story of young Whitney Port, a clueless imbecile from LA who ventures to the "big city" to start her career in fashion. She somehow shares a fabulous apartment and gets a job at DVF (Thanks MTV!) but whoa is me, she somehow gets tied up in a battle of the Upper East Side elite and the dirty hipsters downtown! What's a girl to do?!? On top of it, 2 total douche bag morons are fighting for her attention! She's not used to the double ended dildo, people.

Let's break down the cast one by one, shall we?

Whitney Port: She's the protagonist of the show and I will admit, I do like her more than LC in The Hills. She's got a bit more spunk and legs for days. Her eyes aren't quite as wonky as her former cast mates and I think it's reassuring that she put out so quickly on her first date with Jay. It's not sex if it's anal! Work it out! She gives average looking girls across the country hope that one day then can move to NYC and get a fabulous job and crabs.

Erin: This annoying twat plays the same role that Whitney did in The Hills. She's totally useless and just asks questions to drive plot. And enough with the fucking bangs! When will this trend pass? Her wig is a mess.

Olivia: Ahhh another snobby Upper East Side socialite who takes great pleasure in "working" at DVF. She's a complete cunt and you know what that means...I love her! She's essentially the NYC version of Lo Bosworth. I need to befriend her immediately. She has become the show's villain as she schemes and gives long stares at the new horse in town. She'll cut a bitch so watch out, Whitney! PS: Why is her cousin such a raging fat slob? Lypo, party of 1...check!

Jay: Let's see here...if you mix equal parts of LA douche bag, massive tool, total teabag, and add an Aussie accent to spice, you have Jay! With his mouth closed, he's bearable. With it open, you'd rather listen to your own vibrator go off at a trip to your grandparents' house than the sound of his annoying situation. What exactly is wrong with him? If he sticks his head up your ass, do you smell like flowers? How can one singular person exude such ability to douche? Is he having a douche-off with Brody Jenner? I just don't understand. Regardless, he is one of the leading men vying for Miss Whitney's attention. Girl, don't forget, Herpes are forever and puss will stain those cute skirts you wear...so honey, beware!

Adam: Homegirl is another massive tool. I suppose I wouldn't mind seeing him and Jay have a sword fight (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, squirt) but again, when this lady opens his mouth, it's all over. He should keep his mouth shut and his shirt off.

Twilight

It's a sensation. It's a phenomenon. It's some English hotness prancing around pretending to be a vampire. And the kiddies are going crazy for it. Panty liners are turning into eclairs. Everyone is yelling, "Edward, you can suck my...". Let's discuss.

Yes, I finally made it to see the much buzzed about "Twilight" and to be honest, it was a hot mess...in a good way! Oh hey between the legs! My expectations were low as all the book fanatics were disappointed by the screen adaptation, but as an ignorant bastard, I was thoroughly entertained! In a nutshell, dumpy girl moves to a dumpy town. Dumpy girl falls for the town freak. Town freak is actually a vampire. They fall in love but he's scared he'll suck her blood. Action action action. The guy from the OC dies. The end.

Let's also talk about the Robert Pattinson situation, now to be renamed Pattycakes. Yes, you all knew him as Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter and now, throngs of women and gays across the world will know him as something to finger themselves to. Let's give them something to finger about! Bonnie Raitt should remake that song for the sequel. Pattycakes plays the lead male role as Edward Cullen and who the hell knows what was going on in this movie because it was gratuitous glamour shot after glamour shot. Let's hope this limber lad doesn't end up a Hollywood hot mess. If I see him going to Les Deux with Kim Kardashian or befriending Speidi at The Ivy, I will dress up as Lindsay Lohan and go muff diving on Sammy. Oh hell no! Also, the makeup artist on this movie should be dragged into the street and stoned repeatedly. What was she/he thinking? All that white face sludge...1-800-THAT-WAS-NOT-SUBTLE. After every scene, they should have chyron'ed "Sponsored by MAC and every hot tranny mess this side of Wichita". WTF. Let me also mention that Pattycakes' daddy was played by none other than Peter Facinelli. Don't know who he is? Um excuse me but he played a crucial role in classic American cinema...You may remember him as MIKE DEXTER from Can't Hardly Wait. You know what this means...I am becoming an old fucking bag when my youth's reference points are now playing "the parent role". Does this mean I can't suck on lollipops and dance around in my room to Britney Spears? You can all suck it...I'm still doing it. You may be resistant, but just put it in your mouth and go see this movie. You'll thank my crumpets later.

Election Day

Happy Election Day! You know my weave don't wait in line for shit, but I was there, bright and early, and stood in line for THREE hours like a common prostitute so I could finally pull the big red lever. Oh hey!!! All you democrats out there should be doing the same. All you republicans can go fuck yourselves.

Obama-rama commences tonight. Get ready.

NKOTB

Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh...Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh. Oh no...

That's right, party people, I had the...pleasure...of attending the New Kids on the Block show on Monday night and I'm still in a bit of shell shock of what I witnessed. Judging by the crowd, it was hard to tell if we were at Menopause The Musical or The Vagina Monologues or Lilith Fair or the gynocologist. I think by the end of the show, we were all on the same cycle. They weren't selling popcorn in the aisles, they were selling tampies! Oh hey Flow!

So NKOTB decided to reunite because they love playing music and wanted to do it for the fans...umm or they were sick of working at Foot Locker and wanted to make some quick cash. I will say the lads aged decently, well, except that hot tranny mess Danny Wood. Who let the dogs out? Woof woof woof woof woof! Someone certainly needs to look into some Triple Oxygen Treatments immediately. Homegirl looked like he's been working at a construction site for too long! Sunscreen, Wood!

What about Jonathan Knight? Ummm has he officially come out or is he just the 80's Clay Aiken? He's leading the parade but no one's paying attention. Poor Johnny! Get this man a double ended dildo...just don't call him your Cover Girl. Johnny was just not feelin it last night. His dance moves were a bit lackluster and you could tell him internal monologue was "Just keep dancing...I'm doing it for the money...Think about that gorgeous Tudor house you can buy with this money...I can finally move to a better neighborhood and get away from these clowns...OMG that beautiful ottoman will be mine soon...Hmmm did I douche this morning?...Ohh Joey is looking hot tonight...Oh don't stare too hard...Jordan might hit me again".

Speaking of Jordan, I think if you punch him in the gut, cheese whiz might come flying out of his ass. He's thinking it's still 1988 and it's acceptable to dance next to a wind machine with his shirt open. Even Boy George is saying, "That shit is gay". His vocals sounded good though, I'll give him that much.

And what about little Joey Wack? Babydoll is all grown up now! I think he soaked the most amount of panty liners last night. The ladies still love him! And what's not to love? He's still rockin the moves and is the most convincing of the five. You work that weave, Joey!

Last and certainly least, there's Ms. Donnie Wahlberg. Something is going on with his face. If you imagine Marky Mark and Axl Rose humping until something pooped out, it might be Donnie. Oh but he's so rough! Oh but he's so tough! Oh he's such a man! Um, right. The ladies sure do love him though. At one point, some tart tossed her (massive) black bra on stage which he immediately picked up...and sniffed. OMG that's fucking foul.

The show is certainly a spectacular of sorts. You don't have to like their music to be amused. It's a grand stage show with dancing, pyro, random whorish female backup dancers...the works.

A big shout out to Ms. Becky for hookin our weaves up!

The Killers

Ms. Erika and I had the pleasure of attending The Killers show at Hammerstein Ballroom and it was certainly...a situation. Let me start by saying that the band was amazing as usual. Mr. Brandon certainly has taken some Personality Classes and bounced around the stage like he forgot to turn his electronic dildo off. Oh hey prostate! They debuted new tracks from their upcoming album Day & Age and they were fantastic. A throwback to the first album, there are many fun electronic dance numbers to get your vulva's movin and groovin.

Now let me get down and dirty with the atrocious crowd and give you just a taste of what it was like. Imagine you're in a dorm room at some state college in Connecticut, frat boys abound, sorority sluts trading Valtrex prescriptions, and an influx of middle aged New Jersey gentlemen wearing ill fitting jeans with one nut out. That pretty much sums it up. It was simply horrifying times ten. North Face sporting frat goons were HIGH-FIVING each other after every song right in front of us. Somebody please explain this odd phenomenon to me. It often happens while watching sport events. People, you are not playing the game. You are not playing the songs. You have achieved nothing but downing another Bud Light to your ever expanding gut. Why, oh why, are you high-fiving each other? And then there were the hoards of sorority sisters doing their sexiest dances for the boys. They all had that glimmer in their eyes that said, "Oh boy, if you take me to a surf and turf dinner at Red Lobster, we can have anal later".

When The Killers do their full tour and come to your town, I highly recommend you get your tickets ASAP...but beware of the crowd. I suggest a full body condom for protection.

A big what-what to Ms. Erika for hookin my situation up!

Spotted

At 11PM on Saturday 05 October, we spotted Joshua Jackson and a very manorexic Diane Kruger having dinner next to us at Blue Ribbon Sushi. These two were ALL about the PDA and I wanted to turn around and yell "Ew sick!". He looked dashing in a suit and vest without the jacket and she looked like she embraced death with her last meal in 1982. I bet she spits in bed because she doesn't want the calories. Gross.

I can't believe I've seen Joshua and Katie all in one week. My tween self finally believes that dreams can come true!

Margaret Cho

Last night, Ms. Ethrina and I scurried ourselves to Radio City Music Hall to see the incomparable Margaret Cho. The crowd was a bit watered down from the usual audience of gays and even more gays, topped with more gays (Ha, topped!). But hark, what is this I see? Straight couples? Men in dinner jackets? Girls from New Jersey out for a night out on the town? Oh for the love of dildos, this is what happens when the Cho gets a mainstream TV show.

Before her set, YouTube sensation, Mr. Liam Sullivan, performed some odd routine with 2 videos and a live performance of Shoes. It was a little less than fierce and the majority of the audience busied themselves by checking their blackberries and giving each other prostate exams. Oh THERE it is. Beep beep beep!

However, as soon as Ms. Margaret took the stage, everyone around us was convulsing with laughter and small streams of urine trickled down the aisles. If you are a Republican (Ew! Really?), don't enjoy hearing Sarah Palin being referred to as a "dumb cunt", don't enjoy bathroom humor, don't enjoy explicit chatter of one's vagina and the wonders of female ejaculation, this Cho is probably not for you. For 90 minutes, Ms. Margaret enlightened her followers on all things gay and all things vaginal and it was heaven. As funny as the show was, we had the displeasure of sitting next to two Jersey whores that must have seen this show before, because they insisted on expelling the punchlines before Margaret delivered them. Ugh. Also, there was quite an odd (hetero) couple in front of us. Think conservative, Connecticut, only fucks missionary style types. I wrongly assumed that they were at this show because SHE dragged him along, but as the show progressed, it became strikingly clear that HE was the mega fan. The more he laughed at jokes about anal bleaching, the more uncomfortable she became and you could see the light go on in her head saying "OMG, my boyfriend is a total mo". This little side show was almost as entertaining as the situation on stage.

If any of you are fortunate enough to have Ms. Margaret come to your town on the Beautiful tour, I suggest you grab the closest whoremo and get thee to the show!

All My Sons

Last night, Ms. Mercedes and I had the pleasure of attending All My Sons and to be quite honest, it was amazing! Arthur Miller's formidable play has been transformed with 21st century technology and an all star cast that delivers like The Rabbit after a week in the desert. Oh hey flood!

Let's start with the big-crazy-alien-Scientologist-freak-in-the-room, Miss Katie Holmes. I wanted to be a hater. I wanted to rant on how her "performance" as Tom Cruise's beard is unbearable. I wanted to close my eyes tightly and relive scenes from Dawson's Creek when Joey Potter was not a total nutcase and I could stare with envy at James Van Der Beek's butt cut. Fuck, where is Paula Cole when you need her? Well, probably in a lesbian commune eating vaHEYHEY for dinner EVERY NIGHT. Wait, I got a bit off topic... Back to Katie, homegirl was shockingly very good! My friend pointed out that since she tends to overact in all the films she does, maybe that would actually translate well on stage...and it does! She wears a cute weave that gives her short hairdo some loveliness. She was actually quite pretty too, but much thinner than I remembered from my last encounter with her. Some old bitch in the bathroom line explained to her friend in a heavy Midwestern accent, "Now you see, thoseackkkkktresssses are always skinnier in person because they work in FILM". Thanks you dumpy ass cow.

The true stars of the show are Mr. John Lithgow and Ms. Dianne Wiest. I was a bit nervous because forever ingrained in my head of John is his portrayal of George Henderson in the 80's sitcom, Harry and the Hendersons. Oh hey Bigfoot! But homegirl was on motherfucking point last night in this dramatic turn. He reminds me of when Robin Williams plays a dramatic role and quite frankly, that shit was phenomenal. And Ms. Dianne Wiest was truly stunning. Her role as the tortured mother of this fucked up family was sensational and in fact, even better than her part in The Birdcage as Mrs. Keeley. Oh you sassy senator's wife!

And I know all you ladies and whoremo's are chomping at the bit about that beefcake, Patrick Wilson. Well, let me break it down for you. His acting was delicious blah blah blah....but you'll all be delighted to know that there is a completely gratuitous shirtless scene of him ho'ing out some fallen tree at the top of Act II. Bring your tissues to the show! You'll be leaking from both ends!

Overall, I definitely recommend you get your situations to this show immediately. Even though am I a bitter dirty smelly sticky sour cunt, I was genuinely impressed.

An Open Letter

Dear Ms. Gayken,

To be quite honest, I am shocked and dismayed at your recent coming out. You were my beacon of masculinity and strength. When I looked into your eyes, I saw hope for heterosexuals everywhere and now, all I see is sin. You are a role model for teens across this great country of ours, and now they will all be turning gay because of you. You should be ashamed of yourself. What will Sarah Palin say?

Oh wait, am I delusional? Did I swallow day old lube? Did I ass bang myself with a moldy hot dog? You were the biggest momo before you even came out! Congrats, girlfriend! Now, when you go to Rite-Aid, you can buy your KY like a proud lady and work that juice into a frenzy! Smoothies, anyone? You go and buy your Just for Men and say, "Oh heyy boo, I need to cover up my greys, y'all!".

Moving forward, I hope you'll take the big leap to sell nipple clamps and butt plugs with your face on it when you go on tour. That'd be so hot! The Claymates will love it! In fact, let's start calling them Gaymates! Move over, Ellen! There's a new lady in town!

Congratulations, homoslice. It was no surprise to anyone but I'm glad that as a baby daddy, you can be yourself.

Now go trim your fingernails!

Yours Truly,
A Drunken Socialite

Equus

Oh hey Harry! Oh hey Potter! Oh hey Whip It Out! Ok, so yes, the truth is, the majority of the audience was there to see one thing and one thing only...one little thing...: "The powerful and provocative story of a stable boy and a psychiatrist who seek to understand the sexual and religious mystery which leads to a climactic and unbelievable event"?!?!? No, motherfucker. Everyone wanted to see some cock. Ahh Times Square is back to it's former glory where hoards of desperate sluts are paying to see penis! Who says you can't go back?

We arrived at the theater last night to be greeted by hoards of unattractive Midwestern tourists, the usual Broadway gays, and some very frumpy theater dorks who decided to deck themselves in Equus t-shirts and ski caps (These dump trucks have a long life of Twinkies, microwavable meals, and slightly annoying gay friends to look forward to...). The first 15 minutes of the show was about as pleasant as being gang banged by a lawnmower and his friend the weed wacker. Ouch! After the initial hump (ahem...), the show picks up and by intermission, it was actually quite interesting. The second half is even better and we even all forgot that we were waiting to salute Daniel's foreskin until he whipped it out (Eh, it's really about the balls anyways, isn't it? Oh HEYYY!). Surprisingly, the nudity isn't gratuitous and falls in line with story. Aren't they clever?

I was quite impressed with Miss Potter's performance. Who knew he could do more than wave around some wand and have an ugly scar on his forehead? The Harry Potter situation never really did it for me. Ohh it's so magical! Ohh it's so mystical! Ohh I'd rather shove a handful of raw tuna in my ass, wait for it to marinate, then glob it all over my face and call myself magical! I mean, wouldn't the storyline be more interesting if the lighting bolt was scarred on his penis and he Superman'ed Hermione in the opening sequence? We could call it "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Bone"?

Lollapalooza

Well, hello there. My weave is back from a whirlwind trip to Chicago and it was quite a weekend! We endured the oppressive heat on Friday and strolled over to Grant Park, only to hide in an air conditioned BUS for hours. You know my weave looks like a crazy ass mess if it has to deal with the elements for too long. Ms. Becky and I fled the premises and had a cocktail at the Hard Rock Hotel to replenish our fluids. Oh hey fluids! That evening, the ladies and I had a lovely dinner at The Palm where we stuffed ourselves silly - Get your damn head out of the gutter, fool! We stuffed ourselves with FOOD. Ahem.

Saturday, Ms. Erika and Ms. LaToya (collectively, we're now known as the hot new trio, Chi-City) took a tour de force of Chicago after some very bland Cuban food at Cafe LaGuardia. I am simply loving Lincoln Park and would love to pick up a pied a terre to hang with my Midwestern peeps. Oh heyy! That evening, a gaggle of us had a massive dinner at Japonais and it was just divine. That Tuna Tuna Salmon situation is something to tell your vibrator about. We then headed back to the Hard Rock to see Mark and Samantha Ronson do their DJ thang while we did our "we need some alcohol to get through this situation" thang. La Lohan was running around with her faux lesbian love and you know we were watching what I like to refer to as "TMZ Live".

Mamma Mia

Here I go again! My My!

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a screening of Mamma Mia and it was simply fabulous. I am deeming it "Dreamgirls for old white women". Let's put it this way, if your husband need Viagra and you loved Fried Green Tomatoes, this movie is for you. To no surprise, Regis Philbin and his wifey sat next to us. Oh hey demographic.

Meryl Streep shines (as always) and this new endeavor into singing and dancing suits her quite well. Sure, she looks like an hold haggish tranny, but her talent cannot be denied. And big ups to Mean Girls famed Amanda Seyfried for working it out. Her singing was well done and I almost forgot about her magical powers of forecasting weather...with her breasts.

Thanks to Ms. Jessica for hooking our weaves up!

Coldplay

Yes, I know...my weave has been flying around like a tranny with no panties and I haven't had time to blog, but don't you worry, lambs...I'm back!

Last night, I had the lovely pleasure of going to the Coldplay show at Madison Square Garden and it was just heavenly. The celeb sightings were equally impressive. We spotted an all black Kirsten Dunst looking like a crack baby plus 25 years and a gorgeous Charlize Theron with hubby Stuart Townsend at the show, and a radiant Helena Christensen at the after party.

As for the band, they were, um, how do you say, off the mother fucking chain?!?! To all you haters, you need to attend just ONE show to understand the impact of their live show. Chris bounces around the stage like his dildo has malfunctioned and he's constantly being electrocuted. That poor piano probably has more glory holes in it than a public park restroom considering how much Mr. Martin humps on it. ANYWAYS, if you do not have a copy of the new album, Viva La Vida, I suggest you all take your fingers out of your various holes and get yourself to a record store asap.