Oh no, your eyes are not deceiving you...this weave is up EARLY today! Indeed I've been awake since 6:30AM and am already in the office prepping for a shoot. Sheesh TV is SO glamorous...Uhhh suck it.
I had a nice afternoon yesterday and met Ms. Kelly at Bloomingdales for some shopping delights before we strolled through the Upper East Side for a delicious meal at Haru. Holla at the Fantasy Maki Roll! That situation was quite delicious...shrimp tempura roll with a slice of avocado and a dollop of spicy mayo to top that bitch off. Girl, you know I'm all about the spicy mayo...it's better than edible panties!
Excuse me while I go find an IV and inject myself full of caffeine...
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Working (it) 9 to 5
Well, its long past Noon and I'm finally getting myself together and fixin up my weave for a lovely Sunday in NYC. Last night was quite delicious. Ms. Annie and I had a delightful Thai dinner at Peep then strolled down to the LES and sipped on cocktails at Cafe Charbon. Not as full of delicious Frenchies per usual, but my Rose wine was scrumptious nonetheless.
We made our exit and were strolling down Eldridge towards Fontana's for a birthday party when a giant rat ran in front of us. Oh New York is so classy. Obviously, I screamed at the top of my lungs and dashed back. All of a sudden, we heard, "Frank? Annie?" and came to realize that our entire screamfest had been witnessed by Ms. Liz and Tyson! Ha! How embarrassing!
Once at the bar, we guzzled adult beverages and boogied the night away. And the grand finale, dancing Ms. Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 before leaving. Loves it!
Ms. Erika and I strolled over to Pomodoro's to munch down some delectable pizza before my weave expired and turned into horse hair and that was a fine Saturday night indeed!
We made our exit and were strolling down Eldridge towards Fontana's for a birthday party when a giant rat ran in front of us. Oh New York is so classy. Obviously, I screamed at the top of my lungs and dashed back. All of a sudden, we heard, "Frank? Annie?" and came to realize that our entire screamfest had been witnessed by Ms. Liz and Tyson! Ha! How embarrassing!
Once at the bar, we guzzled adult beverages and boogied the night away. And the grand finale, dancing Ms. Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 before leaving. Loves it!
Ms. Erika and I strolled over to Pomodoro's to munch down some delectable pizza before my weave expired and turned into horse hair and that was a fine Saturday night indeed!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Hallelujah...it's the weekend!
After working last weekend, it's my first official day off in 2 weeks and I'm celebrating in style...on my couch. Apparently it's nice out but I think I need to relax my weave and stay indoors until drinkin time tonight!
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
American Idol
How fucking lame. Just because it's a charity show doesn't mean they can't get rid of the endangered species bald eagle, Phil Stacey! One more week Mr. Clean! Or that nasty ho Jordin Sparks. Ugh...you might be only 17 and sweet but you have no talent, baby!
But this week, rather than commenting on the contestants, let's talk about the celebs!
Earth, Wind, and Fire: Was Lionel Richie not available? Was Captain and Tennille booked on a cruise? Were The O'Jays singing in a casino in Montana? How Z-list can we get to kick off a show? They sounded fine but their weaves were crazy. Makes my crazy ass weave look sane! Ho hum.
Il Divo: You mean El Dildo? Doesn't it sound like they all have a mouthful of penis and are trying to sing around it? Multitask that shit, gentlemen! These four "men", yes, in quotes...are the cheesiest mother fuckers ever. Let's just call them Brie, Camembert, Gouda, and Pepper Jack shall we? Doesn't one of the guys kind of look like Spencer from The Hills? I want to hate him when, in that ridiculous voice, he sings, "Somewhere, there's a place for us....a time and place for us". I'm like, bitch, where? The dairy aisle? Get your cheesy ass away from me!
Rascal Flatts: I don't really care about country and I certainly don't care about some fat country men singing. Should they be renamed Rascal Rounds? So boring! Roll them off!
Josh Grobin: Does this wack ass weave know any other songs besides "You Raise Me Up"? And girl, I hope I ain't raisin anything up on you! My stuff would be runnin towards the hills.
Carrie Underwood: I don't really care about this anorexic ho but I will say I was somewhat touched during her montage and cover of "I'll stand by you". But then again, I get touched by dirty pedophiles in dirty bars so what the hell do I know. I do think it's funny that some producer thought it'd be "so heartwarming" to see some blond twit hugging African babies as a symbol of hope. I won't even get started on this but it's fucking ridiculous.
Celine Dion: I shamefully love this Canadian export. She's so damn ridiculous and borderline Special Olympian that I can't help but say, "Say-Lean...Ew R zee beist zinga inn zee whirl"! But what old fat production cunt thought it'd be "so cool" to have her sing with a virtual Elvis? Again, if American Idol was like the Special Olympics, this performance would have certainly won. Call the other sister.
Kelly Clarkson: Now you all know I love me some Kelly, but did she gain 450 pounds? If she waved those arms in the air, she'd knock herself out with that arm fat! And what was with the mu-mu she was wearing??? Maybe she eats her feelings...and if so, she must be really emotional! Kelly, get it together!
Annie Lennox: Now I love this crazy ass bitch, but I'll be honest...I literally fell asleep during her performance. Annie, honey, it's time to turn back the clock (and not just with all that Botox in your face), sing some hits from the "Medusa" album, do a few Eurythmics' numbers, and call your career done. When's the farewell tour? I'm SO there!
But this week, rather than commenting on the contestants, let's talk about the celebs!
Earth, Wind, and Fire: Was Lionel Richie not available? Was Captain and Tennille booked on a cruise? Were The O'Jays singing in a casino in Montana? How Z-list can we get to kick off a show? They sounded fine but their weaves were crazy. Makes my crazy ass weave look sane! Ho hum.
Il Divo: You mean El Dildo? Doesn't it sound like they all have a mouthful of penis and are trying to sing around it? Multitask that shit, gentlemen! These four "men", yes, in quotes...are the cheesiest mother fuckers ever. Let's just call them Brie, Camembert, Gouda, and Pepper Jack shall we? Doesn't one of the guys kind of look like Spencer from The Hills? I want to hate him when, in that ridiculous voice, he sings, "Somewhere, there's a place for us....a time and place for us". I'm like, bitch, where? The dairy aisle? Get your cheesy ass away from me!
Rascal Flatts: I don't really care about country and I certainly don't care about some fat country men singing. Should they be renamed Rascal Rounds? So boring! Roll them off!
Josh Grobin: Does this wack ass weave know any other songs besides "You Raise Me Up"? And girl, I hope I ain't raisin anything up on you! My stuff would be runnin towards the hills.
Carrie Underwood: I don't really care about this anorexic ho but I will say I was somewhat touched during her montage and cover of "I'll stand by you". But then again, I get touched by dirty pedophiles in dirty bars so what the hell do I know. I do think it's funny that some producer thought it'd be "so heartwarming" to see some blond twit hugging African babies as a symbol of hope. I won't even get started on this but it's fucking ridiculous.
Celine Dion: I shamefully love this Canadian export. She's so damn ridiculous and borderline Special Olympian that I can't help but say, "Say-Lean...Ew R zee beist zinga inn zee whirl"! But what old fat production cunt thought it'd be "so cool" to have her sing with a virtual Elvis? Again, if American Idol was like the Special Olympics, this performance would have certainly won. Call the other sister.
Kelly Clarkson: Now you all know I love me some Kelly, but did she gain 450 pounds? If she waved those arms in the air, she'd knock herself out with that arm fat! And what was with the mu-mu she was wearing??? Maybe she eats her feelings...and if so, she must be really emotional! Kelly, get it together!
Annie Lennox: Now I love this crazy ass bitch, but I'll be honest...I literally fell asleep during her performance. Annie, honey, it's time to turn back the clock (and not just with all that Botox in your face), sing some hits from the "Medusa" album, do a few Eurythmics' numbers, and call your career done. When's the farewell tour? I'm SO there!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The most amazing thing ever
Picture it. Jennifer Hudson and Patti LaBelle...singing...together. HOT!
Watch it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=CXKewBELm7w
Watch it: http://youtube.com/watch?v=CXKewBELm7w
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Busiest Week Ever
Evening my pets,
Profuse apologies for having been MIA for the past few days. My weave was on overload and let's just say that my plate was more than full.
Let's recap, shall we?
Wednesday:
First of all, Amen sista friend that our favorite closet case, Sanjaya, was booted off American Idol! Good job, America! For once, your votes made a difference! That talentless lady deserves nothing less than a swift kick in the ass (although he may ask you to do that repeatedly...and with a dildo or broom handle).
Thursday:
The lovely soiree du jour to celebrate the birthdays of Jackie and Lisa. Holla ladies! What a delicious turnout. Many of their nearest and dearest came out to Sutra to dance dance dance! What a fun evening!
Friday:
Another busy day at work then I had to fly myself up to Boston for another gig this weekend. Now remember, this weave does not like to talk about work, so no details on that. However, I will say that flying on a Friday afternoon can prove to be very aggravating, especially when you could have taken a train (that's train, people...not trannie) to get to your destination. After some serious delays at La Guardia's Marine Air Terminal, which loosely translates to Bootleg Terminal, we got to Boston five hours after we left the office. Sheesh! To add to the horrors, we stayed at the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge, which apparently is summer camp for fat Midwesterners. And to drop the final piece of shit into the toilet, I had a screaming baby next door to me. I generally prefer to stay at adult hotels (ie the W, Nine Zero, etc), but made the mistake of booking at this hotel because of its proximity to my shoot. That demon child decided to scream and wail every hour, on the hour, that night. What I wouldn't give to have had a box of wire hangers next to my bed...
Saturday:
First of all, happy Birthday Lisa!
And in Boston...What an amazingly gorgeous day! Shannon and I hit Newbury Street and shopped until our heels said, "Are you crazy, bitch? Sit me down!". Ms. Natalie also joined us and we had a glorious afternoon. Also, big ups to the deliciousness of Charles Street in Beacon Hill. Who knew such a lovely little situation existed? Note to future sugar daddy(ies): Please invest in property here for me...um, I mean...us.
That evening, Shannon and I had a gorgeous dinner in Davis Square at a cute little Italian place. Very romantic. We toasted our love, and by our love, I mean our eggplant rolls.
Sunday:
All work, all day. Very busy very busy! Actually, not THAT busy but I did have a few high stress moments which were satiated with more craft service than I could imagine. Sometimes my eyes are just bigger than my mouth. Hmmm I don't think that's how the saying goes, but maybe I'll try it out on a future date.
I'd also like to share Ms. Berna's quote of the day: "It's not gay if you're drunk". You hear that frat boys? Ring the alarm!
In terms of work, all I can say is that those MIT kiddies sure are funky! How do you pack so little rhythm into such a lanky body? Maybe THAT'S something they could study. A + B - C +D -E = WATCH SOME SOUL TRAIN AND REPEAT!
After the concert, my weave flew back to NYC and now I need to hang it up before I look a hot crazy horse haired weaved up mess for tomorrow. I need to tell my pores a bedtime story and hope they close their mouths tomorrow. No need for Auntie pimples to come to town.
And good NIGHT!
Profuse apologies for having been MIA for the past few days. My weave was on overload and let's just say that my plate was more than full.
Let's recap, shall we?
Wednesday:
First of all, Amen sista friend that our favorite closet case, Sanjaya, was booted off American Idol! Good job, America! For once, your votes made a difference! That talentless lady deserves nothing less than a swift kick in the ass (although he may ask you to do that repeatedly...and with a dildo or broom handle).
Thursday:
The lovely soiree du jour to celebrate the birthdays of Jackie and Lisa. Holla ladies! What a delicious turnout. Many of their nearest and dearest came out to Sutra to dance dance dance! What a fun evening!
Friday:
Another busy day at work then I had to fly myself up to Boston for another gig this weekend. Now remember, this weave does not like to talk about work, so no details on that. However, I will say that flying on a Friday afternoon can prove to be very aggravating, especially when you could have taken a train (that's train, people...not trannie) to get to your destination. After some serious delays at La Guardia's Marine Air Terminal, which loosely translates to Bootleg Terminal, we got to Boston five hours after we left the office. Sheesh! To add to the horrors, we stayed at the Hyatt Regency in Cambridge, which apparently is summer camp for fat Midwesterners. And to drop the final piece of shit into the toilet, I had a screaming baby next door to me. I generally prefer to stay at adult hotels (ie the W, Nine Zero, etc), but made the mistake of booking at this hotel because of its proximity to my shoot. That demon child decided to scream and wail every hour, on the hour, that night. What I wouldn't give to have had a box of wire hangers next to my bed...
Saturday:
First of all, happy Birthday Lisa!
And in Boston...What an amazingly gorgeous day! Shannon and I hit Newbury Street and shopped until our heels said, "Are you crazy, bitch? Sit me down!". Ms. Natalie also joined us and we had a glorious afternoon. Also, big ups to the deliciousness of Charles Street in Beacon Hill. Who knew such a lovely little situation existed? Note to future sugar daddy(ies): Please invest in property here for me...um, I mean...us.
That evening, Shannon and I had a gorgeous dinner in Davis Square at a cute little Italian place. Very romantic. We toasted our love, and by our love, I mean our eggplant rolls.
Sunday:
All work, all day. Very busy very busy! Actually, not THAT busy but I did have a few high stress moments which were satiated with more craft service than I could imagine. Sometimes my eyes are just bigger than my mouth. Hmmm I don't think that's how the saying goes, but maybe I'll try it out on a future date.
I'd also like to share Ms. Berna's quote of the day: "It's not gay if you're drunk". You hear that frat boys? Ring the alarm!
In terms of work, all I can say is that those MIT kiddies sure are funky! How do you pack so little rhythm into such a lanky body? Maybe THAT'S something they could study. A + B - C +D -E = WATCH SOME SOUL TRAIN AND REPEAT!
After the concert, my weave flew back to NYC and now I need to hang it up before I look a hot crazy horse haired weaved up mess for tomorrow. I need to tell my pores a bedtime story and hope they close their mouths tomorrow. No need for Auntie pimples to come to town.
And good NIGHT!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Hey HEY You YOU!
After a grueling day at the office, Jeremiah and I headed down to The Box for Ms. Avril Lavigne's album release party. Off to a slow start, the open bar certainly did us well and after a few cocktails, I was feeling looser than Britney's vagina on a good day. Avril was surprisingly friendly to me (versus my encounter at the 2002 VMA's) and all of a sudden, I was all about her. On our way out, Isaac and I ran into Dan Keyes of Young Love and had a mini chat before hopping in a cab. I also spotted a solo Ashley Parker Angel making his way into the soiree, but alas, my weave was acrylic, and it was time for bed.
http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====269745&nbc1=1
http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====269745&nbc1=1
My weave is tired
Well, what a long Monday! This weave needs to retire to her wig holder until tomorrow. Days like this make me want to roll around in thumbtacks and shower in lemon juice.
After quite a long and tedious day at work, Nicola and I hit the House for a bottle of Prosecco to ease the pain. We ran into Ms. Jodie Foster in the elevator and at first, I wasn't sure if it was her because she was dressed very casually and sporting a...Batman backpack. I kid you not. Apparently, she was there to pick up her child. Ah sperm donations are really the best kind of charity. Can you write that off?
After quite a long and tedious day at work, Nicola and I hit the House for a bottle of Prosecco to ease the pain. We ran into Ms. Jodie Foster in the elevator and at first, I wasn't sure if it was her because she was dressed very casually and sporting a...Batman backpack. I kid you not. Apparently, she was there to pick up her child. Ah sperm donations are really the best kind of charity. Can you write that off?
Monday, April 16, 2007
Girls Next Door
Have you ever seen this amazing show, Girls Next Door, on E!? I've been watching reruns for weeks now and I am captivated. Who needs Anderson Cooper in a speedo when you can have Holly, Bridget, and Kendra to mock? They are potentially the supidest people you'll ever come across and the best part is...they're heinous looking! Apparently, Holly is only 27 but she looks like a "wife of Orange County"! She looks like Jocelyn Wildenstein! Grrr!
If we had to equate them to the Golden Girls, Holly would be Dorothy, Bridget would be Rose (because their IQ's are about on par), and Kendra would be a lamp post. Kendra's laugh is seriously reminds me of a lawnmower getting raped. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-ah!
How do men find these three attractive? It's the equivalent of women watching John Goodman lick his own asshole and puddling between their legs. Not going to happen!
However, the show is certainly captivating, in the vein of "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" or "Flavor of Love". So car wreck chic! Tune in!
If we had to equate them to the Golden Girls, Holly would be Dorothy, Bridget would be Rose (because their IQ's are about on par), and Kendra would be a lamp post. Kendra's laugh is seriously reminds me of a lawnmower getting raped. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-ah!
How do men find these three attractive? It's the equivalent of women watching John Goodman lick his own asshole and puddling between their legs. Not going to happen!
However, the show is certainly captivating, in the vein of "The Anna Nicole Smith Show" or "Flavor of Love". So car wreck chic! Tune in!
Gold Street Dumpster
Jessica and I had the displeasure of "dining" (I am using that term VERY loosely) at the Gold Street diner this evening. The Financial District was all a buzz that something was finally opening in the area that would be 24 hours and served the scrumptious clientele of hot 20-something investment bankers with fat pockets and empty bellies. Well, let's just say that "disappointing" would be a rave review of this dumpster, erm, diner.
Let's start with the decor. How can I put this delicately? It looked like a blind Special Olympian with a vengeance decorated the place. How's that? Mismatched kitschy-diner decor, neon signs, vomit mustard yellow table tops, and rainbow colored walls. I can just visualize Thom Filicia holding his head in his hands screaming "Awwwwwhhhhhh!! It looks like a crazy person lives here!!" The only place this diner belongs is Port Authority, and even there, the crackheads would say "We wouldn't go into THAT place...let's go cook meth at Siberia." (Hi Fergie!)
The service was miserable and the food had a face to match. Our courses came out at a whim (apparently whatever is prepared first comes out, regardless of the fact that it's an appetizer or entree). Jessica's turkey burger was reminiscent of a frisbee in bread, and my Huevos Rancheros was reminiscent of the upcoming Menudo album.
Usually, at these type of places, the food is mediocre but the dessert is something to make up for the lackluster cuisine. Well, not here apparently! We ordered the "doughnuts with Nutella and jam" which ended up being warmed up petite dinner rolls dusted with powdered sugar, and two small plates of Nutella and jam on the side. What? It was horrendous.
I assume the doors with shudder soon and here's hoping they open a Nobu or something fabulous in its place. Even Burritoville would suffice.
Boo!
Let's start with the decor. How can I put this delicately? It looked like a blind Special Olympian with a vengeance decorated the place. How's that? Mismatched kitschy-diner decor, neon signs, vomit mustard yellow table tops, and rainbow colored walls. I can just visualize Thom Filicia holding his head in his hands screaming "Awwwwwhhhhhh!! It looks like a crazy person lives here!!" The only place this diner belongs is Port Authority, and even there, the crackheads would say "We wouldn't go into THAT place...let's go cook meth at Siberia." (Hi Fergie!)
The service was miserable and the food had a face to match. Our courses came out at a whim (apparently whatever is prepared first comes out, regardless of the fact that it's an appetizer or entree). Jessica's turkey burger was reminiscent of a frisbee in bread, and my Huevos Rancheros was reminiscent of the upcoming Menudo album.
Usually, at these type of places, the food is mediocre but the dessert is something to make up for the lackluster cuisine. Well, not here apparently! We ordered the "doughnuts with Nutella and jam" which ended up being warmed up petite dinner rolls dusted with powdered sugar, and two small plates of Nutella and jam on the side. What? It was horrendous.
I assume the doors with shudder soon and here's hoping they open a Nobu or something fabulous in its place. Even Burritoville would suffice.
Boo!
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Something wicked this way comes (all over your head)
A lovely Nor'easter has descended upon the East Coast and I'm convinced it's spiteful towards my weave. I look a hot mess! However, I've had quite a relaxing weekend with loads of naps, vegetating on the couch, more naps, and a few cocktails. Last night, I had the pleasure of celebrating Ms Lara's birthday at Revolver in the Lower East Side. Now when I say "East", I mean, honey, it's EAST! Rivington and Pitt Street. Who's heard of Pitt? Show of hands? That's what I thought. Cool space but a bit out of the way. Unfortunately, as it got later, the NYU kids started to pour through the door and watching fat 22 year olds from Wisconsin dancing to "Irreplaceable" is indeed horrifying, so I made a beeline for home.
With the bad rainy situation outside today, I would rather keep my weave dry and stand indoors. Perhaps I will revamp my apartment and do some serious cleaning. What's better than inhaling Clorox fumes on a Sunday afternoon?
With the bad rainy situation outside today, I would rather keep my weave dry and stand indoors. Perhaps I will revamp my apartment and do some serious cleaning. What's better than inhaling Clorox fumes on a Sunday afternoon?
Friday, April 13, 2007
A Guide to Recognizing Shirtless Talent
Tonight, I had the pleasure of viewing the film, "A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints". Now, I must ask...How many films can Channing Tatum do shirtless? The answer is...countless! Has he ever played a character that wasn't semi thugged out and where the director didn't find a gratuitous reason for him to be topless? Besides "She's the Man" (certainly worth the rental), this film may take the cake. I actually can't think of one scene where he HAS a shirt on. Ladies, get out your Rabbits and press play!
The film was actually pretty interesting (if not overly predictable) and is more or less a "coming of age" flick of a group of friends in Astoria, Queens. When your weave is tired from a long week, it certainly will do the trick.
The film was actually pretty interesting (if not overly predictable) and is more or less a "coming of age" flick of a group of friends in Astoria, Queens. When your weave is tired from a long week, it certainly will do the trick.
Can I get a "Hallelujah"?
Thank goodness to my pu pu platter that it's Friday because I feel like Bob Villa hosting "This Old Weave". I need some sleep!
Last night, I had a lovely dinner with Meena, Erika, and Sheree at Pongsri. Knock knock. Who's there? Fabulous Thai food! Nothing like fruity cocktails, conversations about weaves and testicles, our new boyfriend Sven, and tasty noodles to complete an evening. Happy New Year Sheree! Do they wobble to the floor?
Last night, I had a lovely dinner with Meena, Erika, and Sheree at Pongsri. Knock knock. Who's there? Fabulous Thai food! Nothing like fruity cocktails, conversations about weaves and testicles, our new boyfriend Sven, and tasty noodles to complete an evening. Happy New Year Sheree! Do they wobble to the floor?
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Bye Bye Leather face!
No girl...It's not Leather face...It's SCARFACE! Goodbye to "only good (and bad) comes from between her thighs" Hayley Scarnato on this week's American Idol! Hallelujah! This walking glory hole has deserved to been kicked off since the beginning auditions when she opened her mouth (to sing)! No baby, this isn't a casting couch...it's a singing competition...So no need to open so wide! My favourite part of the evening is before her elimination, Simon is joking about how short her skirt was the night before and her response was, "Well, it's Latin week so I figured I'd wear this". Um what, you ignorant dartboard?!??! You are justifying your whorish situation because it's "Latin week"??? And what exactly does Latin week mean? It should be called, "Let's perpetuate more stereotypes" week. Rather than sing, maybe the 8 could come mow my lawn and shove a pink taco in my mouth! This show is so ridiculous and I'm anxiously awaiting "Asian week" to watch Sanjaya give $2 hand jobs to Ryan, Melinda to score a perfect score on her SAT's, LaToya to do my dry cleaning, Blake to do my nails, Phil to go to Kumon class, Chris to take piano and violin and cello and harp and mandolin lessons (but never drums or guitar), and Jordin to marry Woody Allen!
Disclaimer: For those of you in utter shock...I'm indeed Asian, so it's totally allowed. Right?
Disclaimer: For those of you in utter shock...I'm indeed Asian, so it's totally allowed. Right?
James Morrison
I had the greatest pleasure of popping over to the Knitting Factory tonight to see my precious peanut, James Morrison (Thanks Jordan!!). What an amazing talent! As the show started, I realized it was elimination hour on American Idol and I started to think, when my Melinda wins in a few short weeks, how over-the-top fabulous would it be if she and James did a duet? My wet panties could fill the drought to so many empoverished nations. All I do is give...
James' musicality and voice was simply stunning and I am excited to watch his career expand globally. Work it, boy!
I will say...and please inform all your friends and enemies...
If you are at a singer-songwriter show in a small venue, please...for the love of everything that's sacred in this world...do NOT pump your hands in the air and sing along. Do not grind your hips and do the "slutty sorority girl dance" (You all know exactly what I'm talking about...). You are not at a Black Eyed Peas show. You are not at a Dave Matthews show. Do not yell "Daaaavveeee" (or in this case, "Jaaammmeeess").
I mean, seriously. How the fuck do these people function in the world with that ENTIRE toolbox shoved up their asses. If you punch them, will a screwdriver tumble out? Did their mothers have any vaginal lining left after birthing such massive teabags? I do wonder...
Besides the horrifying Tri-Delt sores scattered throughout the mostly industry crowd, everything else was spectacular and I certainly will be seeing him Britishness the next time he comes to town.
James' musicality and voice was simply stunning and I am excited to watch his career expand globally. Work it, boy!
I will say...and please inform all your friends and enemies...
If you are at a singer-songwriter show in a small venue, please...for the love of everything that's sacred in this world...do NOT pump your hands in the air and sing along. Do not grind your hips and do the "slutty sorority girl dance" (You all know exactly what I'm talking about...). You are not at a Black Eyed Peas show. You are not at a Dave Matthews show. Do not yell "Daaaavveeee" (or in this case, "Jaaammmeeess").
I mean, seriously. How the fuck do these people function in the world with that ENTIRE toolbox shoved up their asses. If you punch them, will a screwdriver tumble out? Did their mothers have any vaginal lining left after birthing such massive teabags? I do wonder...
Besides the horrifying Tri-Delt sores scattered throughout the mostly industry crowd, everything else was spectacular and I certainly will be seeing him Britishness the next time he comes to town.
Mat Kearney
Howdy folks!
Last night, I had a lovely dinner at L'Express with AJ, Chris, and Kelly before we zipped down to Webster Hall to see our favourite peanut, Mat Kearney. You sing, boy! Because of this show, I unfortunately missed my lovely American Idol but will catch up soon! The VH1 peeps sure can thrown an event, and we ended up at Black and White afterwards to drink the night away. My weave had to be up early today so at Midnight, I turned into a fat pomegranate and went home.
Big ups to AJ for a fun evening!
Last night, I had a lovely dinner at L'Express with AJ, Chris, and Kelly before we zipped down to Webster Hall to see our favourite peanut, Mat Kearney. You sing, boy! Because of this show, I unfortunately missed my lovely American Idol but will catch up soon! The VH1 peeps sure can thrown an event, and we ended up at Black and White afterwards to drink the night away. My weave had to be up early today so at Midnight, I turned into a fat pomegranate and went home.
Big ups to AJ for a fun evening!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Are you my Daddy?
Well, the "big news" was finally revealed today...Larry Birkhead is the baby of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. What a huge surprise! This should have been the headline of the "No Shit" news.
Did anyone EVER think that nasty troll, Howard K. Stern, COULD be the daddy? I understand Anna was high on every household product under the sun, but even she wouldn't stoop so low to let him get his worbly penis near her. He shouldn't even be allowed to masturbate thinking about her (which we all know he did...daily...multiple times...)!
Now aren't all those photos of Howard holding Dannielynn super creepy? How to catch a predator? I think we have...
Not that frosty tips Larry is any better...but certainly better than "little girls shoved down his pants" Howard...
Did anyone EVER think that nasty troll, Howard K. Stern, COULD be the daddy? I understand Anna was high on every household product under the sun, but even she wouldn't stoop so low to let him get his worbly penis near her. He shouldn't even be allowed to masturbate thinking about her (which we all know he did...daily...multiple times...)!
Now aren't all those photos of Howard holding Dannielynn super creepy? How to catch a predator? I think we have...
Not that frosty tips Larry is any better...but certainly better than "little girls shoved down his pants" Howard...
Scoop
To celebrate Easter on Sunday night, I decided to treat myself to a fun and festive movie (after the excrutiation of "Running with Scissors"). I chose "Scoop", last year's Woody Allen flopper. I'm always down for the underdog. While I feel the premise of the story (and the ending) were quite witty and entertaining, I can't help but wonder...Does Woody Allen EVER play anything but a neurotic Jewish Brooklynite with a bad weave? With all that money and Asian lovin in his life (and mouth), you would think homegirl could be a little more innovative! I do love his obsessive Anglophilia (see: Matchpoint and Scoop) however. Big ups to our uncircumsized brothers across the Atlantic!
This film tells the story of a college journalist (American in London) who is visited by the spirit of a recently deceased reporter who uses her as a vehicle to investigate his one last big story. Unfortunately, dumbo Scarlett JoBoring was casted as this young Inspector Gadget and ruined much of the film for me. This movie would have been fabulous if it was done in the 80's and starred Winona Ryder. Scarface just seems so condescending and unconvincing and all I can imagine is her on the casting couch with a mouthful of Woody's woody to get the role. So many reasons to gag...none of them the right one.
The story, however, is quite sweeping and involved, and although a bit times as tired as a Barry Manilow album (or my weave right about now...), we'll forgive it for the fun plot twists and gratuitous Hugh Jackman shots (who should have been played by the delightful Matthew Goode or some hot BRITISH actor...but we'll take what we can get).
All in all, worth the rental and the 45 strawberries I downed in the process. I give it three fingers in the butt, and two wanting more.
This film tells the story of a college journalist (American in London) who is visited by the spirit of a recently deceased reporter who uses her as a vehicle to investigate his one last big story. Unfortunately, dumbo Scarlett JoBoring was casted as this young Inspector Gadget and ruined much of the film for me. This movie would have been fabulous if it was done in the 80's and starred Winona Ryder. Scarface just seems so condescending and unconvincing and all I can imagine is her on the casting couch with a mouthful of Woody's woody to get the role. So many reasons to gag...none of them the right one.
The story, however, is quite sweeping and involved, and although a bit times as tired as a Barry Manilow album (or my weave right about now...), we'll forgive it for the fun plot twists and gratuitous Hugh Jackman shots (who should have been played by the delightful Matthew Goode or some hot BRITISH actor...but we'll take what we can get).
All in all, worth the rental and the 45 strawberries I downed in the process. I give it three fingers in the butt, and two wanting more.
Jon McLaughlin
After a long day at work, I zipped myself downtown to The Living Room to check out new up and coming singer-piano playing-songwriter, Jon McLaughlin. What a talented treat! He plays luscious rolling melodies, sings with a slight rasp, had great songwriting skills, and most importantly, looks great in a speedo! A young weave can dream, can't she? Jeremiah thinks he looks like Sean William Scott. I say Jon Foreman of Switchfoot, with a shorter weave.
If you Mat Kearney, Damien Rice, David Ford...all the boys...you'll love Jon! He's similar to them with a midwestern/surfer (yes, I realize these two are indeed polar...just go with it) twist, you'll love him. Check him out: http://www.myspace.com/jonmclaughlin .
Apparently, he has a show coming up at "The Magic Box" on Thursday...I've never been inside a magic box. Too bad I won't be in Michigan to explore the...magic.
Holla to my ladies Christine and Erika for hookin this weave up tonight!
If you Mat Kearney, Damien Rice, David Ford...all the boys...you'll love Jon! He's similar to them with a midwestern/surfer (yes, I realize these two are indeed polar...just go with it) twist, you'll love him. Check him out: http://www.myspace.com/jonmclaughlin .
Apparently, he has a show coming up at "The Magic Box" on Thursday...I've never been inside a magic box. Too bad I won't be in Michigan to explore the...magic.
Holla to my ladies Christine and Erika for hookin this weave up tonight!
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Happy Easter!
Happy Easter all! I hope you all find your eggs and munch on chocolate bunnies. What a vicious holiday. If it doesn't melt in your mouth...
What an adventurous weekend! My bosom buddy Natalie arrived in town and we hit the town like OJ hit Nicole Simpson's soul. Smack that. Smack that. We had a divine dinner at Otto with our friends Tocai and Rose-eh-eh, and they were delicious. We then met Kelly and her brother had The Dove, tossed back a few more, and ended the evening with a dance-a-thon at Level V. Let me ask you. Why, oh precious dieties, why, must straight men dance in public? I'd like to give an extra special shout out to lovely #5 and his Asian wingfolk for answering this age old question. And the answer is? To provide the entertainment. It's like watching a wheelchair race uphill. You know they ain't going to make it...you know it's painful for all involved, but regardless...you can't take your eyes off of it.
Today, we had a smashing brunch at The Odeon and with the imminent snow (Um, did Spring ever come this year?), we came back to my place and watched "The Girls Next Door". What exactly is wrong with those three? Holly is only 27? She looks 45!
It's sad that the weekend has come to an end and onto a busy work week ahead. Now I need to go shower and figure out how to get this melted bunny out of my pants.
What an adventurous weekend! My bosom buddy Natalie arrived in town and we hit the town like OJ hit Nicole Simpson's soul. Smack that. Smack that. We had a divine dinner at Otto with our friends Tocai and Rose-eh-eh, and they were delicious. We then met Kelly and her brother had The Dove, tossed back a few more, and ended the evening with a dance-a-thon at Level V. Let me ask you. Why, oh precious dieties, why, must straight men dance in public? I'd like to give an extra special shout out to lovely #5 and his Asian wingfolk for answering this age old question. And the answer is? To provide the entertainment. It's like watching a wheelchair race uphill. You know they ain't going to make it...you know it's painful for all involved, but regardless...you can't take your eyes off of it.
Today, we had a smashing brunch at The Odeon and with the imminent snow (Um, did Spring ever come this year?), we came back to my place and watched "The Girls Next Door". What exactly is wrong with those three? Holly is only 27? She looks 45!
It's sad that the weekend has come to an end and onto a busy work week ahead. Now I need to go shower and figure out how to get this melted bunny out of my pants.
Friday, April 6, 2007
This old weave
What a long day it's been! Now you know because I'm a consummate professional, I don't talk about the nitty gritty details of my job. I will say that this old weave had to get up and get styled at 6:45AM this morning (no, your eyes are NOT deceiving you...I got up before that cunt Matt Lauer was on air!). It was a long day, full of so much drama that Mary J might as well have walked in and said, "Girl...did you not HEAR me? I said NO more drama!". I'm glad this day is done and I am relaxing my weave on the couch, watching "Running with Scissors", which is proving to be pretentious, tedious, and boring. I can't seem to win today.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Roast Beef Curtains
So I am now hearing that our lovely LC may have been foolish enough to make a sex tape with that bloated Brandon Davis wannabe, Jason Wahler. What?!?! Why are people so stupid? Did LC borrow Heidi's brain for the day and get herself taped getting stooped?
I'd like to use this story as a segue into fun terminology for vaginas. LC apparently has Angelina Jolie lips...downstairs. I'm always amused by the use of "Roast Beef Curtains" or "Harry the Hatchet Wound" (although, shouldn't it be HARRIET the Hatchet Wound)? Bearded Clam is also nice, but I think we need to modernize it. Since the trend of our favourite emo punk pop poop bands is to have as long of a title as possible, let's follow that trend. But let's also recognize the originators of this trend...the often forgotten...Primitive Radio Gods, with their 90's hit, "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand". Loves it. So how do rename the vagina in this fashion?
Suggestions?
Shopping for curtains at Pottery Barn while holding a roast beef sandwich is the most fun a girl can have.
OR
Schucking oysters and eating bearded clams is the new hot dog eating contest.
OR
Standing outside a broken vagina with an emo penis in my hand.
OR
Chicken of the sea is the most delicious meal you can have at a funeral after party.
OR
My lips are bigger than your lips that are bigger than his lips if he had lips.
Thoughts?
I'd like to use this story as a segue into fun terminology for vaginas. LC apparently has Angelina Jolie lips...downstairs. I'm always amused by the use of "Roast Beef Curtains" or "Harry the Hatchet Wound" (although, shouldn't it be HARRIET the Hatchet Wound)? Bearded Clam is also nice, but I think we need to modernize it. Since the trend of our favourite emo punk pop poop bands is to have as long of a title as possible, let's follow that trend. But let's also recognize the originators of this trend...the often forgotten...Primitive Radio Gods, with their 90's hit, "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand". Loves it. So how do rename the vagina in this fashion?
Suggestions?
Shopping for curtains at Pottery Barn while holding a roast beef sandwich is the most fun a girl can have.
OR
Schucking oysters and eating bearded clams is the new hot dog eating contest.
OR
Standing outside a broken vagina with an emo penis in my hand.
OR
Chicken of the sea is the most delicious meal you can have at a funeral after party.
OR
My lips are bigger than your lips that are bigger than his lips if he had lips.
Thoughts?
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Bye bye (va)Gina!
What?!?! They kicked off Mis Gina Glockson?!?! No, I was not a huge fan of hers, but she certainly didn't deserve to get nailed in the ass before such talentless scum such as Sanjaya and Hayley. Speaking on that troll, Hayley, she's probably got some Ben Gay on her lips and an ice pack between her legs to mellow the swelling from banging American men for votes. I suppose the same can be said for Sanjaya.
I love that my girls LaKisha and Melinda were in the top two. Big ups ladies! But what in the heezy for skeezy was blimpy ass Jordin Sparks doing there to ruin my trifecta?!?! I say toss out Jordin and replace her with Chris Richardson. Now that's a threesome I want to see! Stick it in!
I love that my girls LaKisha and Melinda were in the top two. Big ups ladies! But what in the heezy for skeezy was blimpy ass Jordin Sparks doing there to ruin my trifecta?!?! I say toss out Jordin and replace her with Chris Richardson. Now that's a threesome I want to see! Stick it in!
Healthy Living
Have you ever eaten a Kashi product? I usually associate their food with something you might find in a trough for horses. Health food, in general, scares me. If I wanted to eat healthy, I'd blow a vegetarian!
So in some cracked out whim, I bought these Oatmeal Raisin Flax cookies from Kashi and they're actually not that horrendous. Now I know you health nuts are saying, "Girl, Kashi ain't health food"...but for someone who considers Stouffers' Macaroni and Cheese "a well balanced meal" (Yes, I can be SUCH yellow trash sometimes), eating Kashi is the equivalent of me going outside and grazing on some lawn (if there was any in Manhattan).
So if you're looking for a tasty treat, I recommend it...although now my body is in total shock of this flax situation and it may end up as a long night on the toilet. Oh the joys of healthy living!
So in some cracked out whim, I bought these Oatmeal Raisin Flax cookies from Kashi and they're actually not that horrendous. Now I know you health nuts are saying, "Girl, Kashi ain't health food"...but for someone who considers Stouffers' Macaroni and Cheese "a well balanced meal" (Yes, I can be SUCH yellow trash sometimes), eating Kashi is the equivalent of me going outside and grazing on some lawn (if there was any in Manhattan).
So if you're looking for a tasty treat, I recommend it...although now my body is in total shock of this flax situation and it may end up as a long night on the toilet. Oh the joys of healthy living!
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
The Agency Season Finale
Well, what a disappointing ending to this show.
How could they fire Becky? She was the light of my life! And rather, they kept Pink around? Isn't it amazing how the world's most hideous people work in the behind the scenes of the modelling business? What do they know about beauty? Pink is only an expert on Twinkies and pedophilia! Not beauty! And Sean, the president? There are fewer potholes in the streets of NYC than his face!
If it wasn't for the loveliness and witty banter of Becky, this show would be much better viewed on mute. Hot models stripping down for that tranny to take pictures of! What's her name? Lola? She looks like a busted version of Virginia Madsen, and honey, that's hard to accomplish.
And what exactly happened to Mark Vanderloo? Once a hot male model...now a bloated version of his former self. So sad!
How could they fire Becky? She was the light of my life! And rather, they kept Pink around? Isn't it amazing how the world's most hideous people work in the behind the scenes of the modelling business? What do they know about beauty? Pink is only an expert on Twinkies and pedophilia! Not beauty! And Sean, the president? There are fewer potholes in the streets of NYC than his face!
If it wasn't for the loveliness and witty banter of Becky, this show would be much better viewed on mute. Hot models stripping down for that tranny to take pictures of! What's her name? Lola? She looks like a busted version of Virginia Madsen, and honey, that's hard to accomplish.
And what exactly happened to Mark Vanderloo? Once a hot male model...now a bloated version of his former self. So sad!
American Idol Recap
Again, Tony Bennett? Was Deepak Chopra not available? Oh the nostalgia factor...makes me want to rub myself clean with some Ben Gay! And could he look anymore haggard? Get a brush man! Get some frizz control! Did you leave it in San Francisco? Go get it Toni Tone!
Blake Lewis: I don't like you! Jesus, he is SO cheesy. In fact, if you punch him in the gut, Velveeta squirts out of his ass. Thank goodness he didn't beatbox this situation. Listen you frosted tippy mess...you should invest in some good luggage cause honey, you're going home! Maybe you should move to Wisconsin with the other cheese heads!
Phil Stacey: John Waters lookalike sang "Night and Day". I actually will admit that I didn't HATE this performance. He seems like the kind of troll you would see playing piano at Nordstroms in a mall somewhere. Although the judges weren't fans, I'm ok with him this week. He may have to dry off his sweaty bald head though. You're starting to look like Whitney after a bad night! Sweaty cokehead!
Melinda Doolittle: My love sang "I've Got Rhythm" and...rhythm is gonna get ya! Girlfriend rocked her weave this week! The dress was a bit ill fitting, but her voice was gorgeous! And break out the sassy dance moves! And the big finish? Love it! Such an amazing talent. I'm creaming my panties for you girl! Do the DOO!
Chris Richardson: Dust bin, I mean Justin, I mean Chris, sang some shit that's pretty forgettable. Like I said last week, I'm not completely hating on him, but bread basket is such a bootleg version of JT! From the style to the voice to the penis in his mouth! The loose suspenders though? Are they the new male stirrups? Spread em honey!
Jordin Sparks: Frizz Unease sang "On a Clear Day". Did she just call it a "cute song" in front of Toni Tone? And what's with the outfit? Did you get dressed on a dark night? I'm not feeling this. And with the bad jewelry and fat face? Take your underaged ass home! And find a stair climber!
PS: How high is Paula? She didn't just sniff the glue...she injected it! She's blabbing on and on and is completely nonsensical.
Gina Glockson: Weave-Be-Gone sang "Smile". That hairdo made me frown, ho! What's the odd combination of bad weaves, braids and extensions, crusty red pieces, and horrifying makeup and dirty laundry? Besides her trainwreck appearance, I actually didn't mind her performance. It wasn't AMAZING, but certainly not as horrible as usual. Not a winner, but not a loser this week!
Sanjaya Malakar: The Indian John Travolta (come out, girl!) sang...something. I have no idea what. I was horrified by his slick backed weave and Saturday Night Fever frock. He's Z-snapped something about "dancing cheek to cheek"...and now dancing with America's favorite drug addict, Paula (besides Lindsay Lohan, Britney, the Cast of the OC, well, the list goes on and on...)! He's such an odd lady, isn't he? He's like the new William Hung meets Scissor Sisters meets a Cirque de Soleil clown. I'm entertained that he's still in this competition, but in the same fashion as when I take a really big poop and wonder, "How'd I do that?".
Hayley Scarnato: Helen Keller sang some hot mess. Where do we begin? She looks like a two bit hooker trolling for dick in the Meatpacking District! That dress! Those acrylic nails! That makeup! The only thing to complete the outfit is a big cum stain on that nasty face of hers! And the singing? I'd rather hear Tony Bennett having sex with KD Lang! This talentless beast is the next to go home.
LaKisha Jones: Miss Thang sang something so delicious...I'd eat it twice! Didn't her weave look fabulous tonight? Loved it! I would maybe think twice on the dress...the ta-ta's were out to smack some ass, but I'm loving her! I can't wait to see her and Melinda go head to head in the finale!
I'd like to give a special shoutout to my girls Sher-Weavy and E-Weavy. We're forming a new group called The Weave Sisters...so watch out America!
Blake Lewis: I don't like you! Jesus, he is SO cheesy. In fact, if you punch him in the gut, Velveeta squirts out of his ass. Thank goodness he didn't beatbox this situation. Listen you frosted tippy mess...you should invest in some good luggage cause honey, you're going home! Maybe you should move to Wisconsin with the other cheese heads!
Phil Stacey: John Waters lookalike sang "Night and Day". I actually will admit that I didn't HATE this performance. He seems like the kind of troll you would see playing piano at Nordstroms in a mall somewhere. Although the judges weren't fans, I'm ok with him this week. He may have to dry off his sweaty bald head though. You're starting to look like Whitney after a bad night! Sweaty cokehead!
Melinda Doolittle: My love sang "I've Got Rhythm" and...rhythm is gonna get ya! Girlfriend rocked her weave this week! The dress was a bit ill fitting, but her voice was gorgeous! And break out the sassy dance moves! And the big finish? Love it! Such an amazing talent. I'm creaming my panties for you girl! Do the DOO!
Chris Richardson: Dust bin, I mean Justin, I mean Chris, sang some shit that's pretty forgettable. Like I said last week, I'm not completely hating on him, but bread basket is such a bootleg version of JT! From the style to the voice to the penis in his mouth! The loose suspenders though? Are they the new male stirrups? Spread em honey!
Jordin Sparks: Frizz Unease sang "On a Clear Day". Did she just call it a "cute song" in front of Toni Tone? And what's with the outfit? Did you get dressed on a dark night? I'm not feeling this. And with the bad jewelry and fat face? Take your underaged ass home! And find a stair climber!
PS: How high is Paula? She didn't just sniff the glue...she injected it! She's blabbing on and on and is completely nonsensical.
Gina Glockson: Weave-Be-Gone sang "Smile". That hairdo made me frown, ho! What's the odd combination of bad weaves, braids and extensions, crusty red pieces, and horrifying makeup and dirty laundry? Besides her trainwreck appearance, I actually didn't mind her performance. It wasn't AMAZING, but certainly not as horrible as usual. Not a winner, but not a loser this week!
Sanjaya Malakar: The Indian John Travolta (come out, girl!) sang...something. I have no idea what. I was horrified by his slick backed weave and Saturday Night Fever frock. He's Z-snapped something about "dancing cheek to cheek"...and now dancing with America's favorite drug addict, Paula (besides Lindsay Lohan, Britney, the Cast of the OC, well, the list goes on and on...)! He's such an odd lady, isn't he? He's like the new William Hung meets Scissor Sisters meets a Cirque de Soleil clown. I'm entertained that he's still in this competition, but in the same fashion as when I take a really big poop and wonder, "How'd I do that?".
Hayley Scarnato: Helen Keller sang some hot mess. Where do we begin? She looks like a two bit hooker trolling for dick in the Meatpacking District! That dress! Those acrylic nails! That makeup! The only thing to complete the outfit is a big cum stain on that nasty face of hers! And the singing? I'd rather hear Tony Bennett having sex with KD Lang! This talentless beast is the next to go home.
LaKisha Jones: Miss Thang sang something so delicious...I'd eat it twice! Didn't her weave look fabulous tonight? Loved it! I would maybe think twice on the dress...the ta-ta's were out to smack some ass, but I'm loving her! I can't wait to see her and Melinda go head to head in the finale!
I'd like to give a special shoutout to my girls Sher-Weavy and E-Weavy. We're forming a new group called The Weave Sisters...so watch out America!
Monday, April 2, 2007
The Hills Ho's
Well, tonight was the season finale of The Hills. Let's start the shit talking, shall we?
The big news was of course idiot stick figure with no soul Heidi moved in with the other idiot stick figure with no soul Spencer. After watching this season, I say...Fuck it. Those two special needs cases deserve each other. Let them both merrily cheat on each other and swap STD's until their genitals fall off. So over it!
Another important point to mention...what the fuck is up with Heidi's co-workers, Elodie and the Frodo? They are so damn busted! They both look like old trannies with bad weaves! I know MTV is running out of money and might have had to save on a Casting Director but um hello (!?!?!)...wasn't there a toothless homeless man on Sunset with an affinity towards public urination available? Anyone else would have been better!
I feel bad for LC...not because she got screwed over by Heidi, but that she was dumb enough to let Audrina move in! Can you get HPV from a toilet seat? You know that nasty ho's got it! Watch out LC!
I've always thought Brody was a massive tool, and tonight proved no exception when he and Spencer had their lame "male bonding" talk. I hope they both fall into a fault line and disappear.
Now I know the old farts at MTV love to over-produce a show and write "interesting storyboards", but this particular episode was SO faked! It felt far too produced and so many of the scenes were clearly set up. Also, the blatant display of mic packs on their asses was ridiculous. Time for a turnover, baby.
I also had the displeasure of watching part of Taquita and Kaui on mute while chatting with Mis Kelly to recap the show. Who greenlit this monstrosity of a show? First of all, are they really women? Chicks with dicks, anyone? They look like ugly trannies!
And now I'm watching the Hills aftershow and I gots two words for Mis Whitney...KAREN CARPENTER. Excuse me, but was the show called The Hills...or The Pills?!?! Trimspa, baby! Some one's been finger banging their own mouth for the past few months. Baby, you look like a lollipop head. Please eat something. You were pretty busted to begin with, and now you're just really skinny...and busted.
And who are these nasty Jersey girls with bad boob jobs co-hosting the show? And why is horse face Hillary Duff via satellite?
The big news was of course idiot stick figure with no soul Heidi moved in with the other idiot stick figure with no soul Spencer. After watching this season, I say...Fuck it. Those two special needs cases deserve each other. Let them both merrily cheat on each other and swap STD's until their genitals fall off. So over it!
Another important point to mention...what the fuck is up with Heidi's co-workers, Elodie and the Frodo? They are so damn busted! They both look like old trannies with bad weaves! I know MTV is running out of money and might have had to save on a Casting Director but um hello (!?!?!)...wasn't there a toothless homeless man on Sunset with an affinity towards public urination available? Anyone else would have been better!
I feel bad for LC...not because she got screwed over by Heidi, but that she was dumb enough to let Audrina move in! Can you get HPV from a toilet seat? You know that nasty ho's got it! Watch out LC!
I've always thought Brody was a massive tool, and tonight proved no exception when he and Spencer had their lame "male bonding" talk. I hope they both fall into a fault line and disappear.
Now I know the old farts at MTV love to over-produce a show and write "interesting storyboards", but this particular episode was SO faked! It felt far too produced and so many of the scenes were clearly set up. Also, the blatant display of mic packs on their asses was ridiculous. Time for a turnover, baby.
I also had the displeasure of watching part of Taquita and Kaui on mute while chatting with Mis Kelly to recap the show. Who greenlit this monstrosity of a show? First of all, are they really women? Chicks with dicks, anyone? They look like ugly trannies!
And now I'm watching the Hills aftershow and I gots two words for Mis Whitney...KAREN CARPENTER. Excuse me, but was the show called The Hills...or The Pills?!?! Trimspa, baby! Some one's been finger banging their own mouth for the past few months. Baby, you look like a lollipop head. Please eat something. You were pretty busted to begin with, and now you're just really skinny...and busted.
And who are these nasty Jersey girls with bad boob jobs co-hosting the show? And why is horse face Hillary Duff via satellite?
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Weekend Update
What a lovely weekend I've had. Last night, I met up with Mis Charlotte at Giorgione 508 for some delicious chow and conversation. We tried to convince Mis Kelly to dash out of work and join us for the evening's festivities later on, but to no avail. After such scintillating topics at the Tour de Foreskin and whatnot, we rolled out and cabbed over to Mis Jessica's housewarming party in the West Village. Holla to Jessica and her gorgeous apartment! Love the decor and beautiful ceilings! It was a lovely time, and soon became a dance party until 4AM, when I decided to hang up my tired ass weave and go home.
This afternoon, I met Mis Erika and Mis Sheree at Nice Matin on the Upper West Side for some delicious brunch and gossip! The bellinis were quite tasty and so was the food. Lots of weave talk, makeup tips, and general gossip...and even a near Brad Pitt sighting in a magical mirror! Then Erika and I decided to do a tour de force of the Upper East Side and honey, we worked it! Who needs exercise when you can shop til you drop...and I almost DID drop.
Now I'm home with my purchases and trying to figure out how the fuck to work my new phone/blackberry. Technical, I am not. I'm about to blow some IT tech just to get it straight.
This afternoon, I met Mis Erika and Mis Sheree at Nice Matin on the Upper West Side for some delicious brunch and gossip! The bellinis were quite tasty and so was the food. Lots of weave talk, makeup tips, and general gossip...and even a near Brad Pitt sighting in a magical mirror! Then Erika and I decided to do a tour de force of the Upper East Side and honey, we worked it! Who needs exercise when you can shop til you drop...and I almost DID drop.
Now I'm home with my purchases and trying to figure out how the fuck to work my new phone/blackberry. Technical, I am not. I'm about to blow some IT tech just to get it straight.
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