Roast Beef Curtains

So I am now hearing that our lovely LC may have been foolish enough to make a sex tape with that bloated Brandon Davis wannabe, Jason Wahler. What?!?! Why are people so stupid? Did LC borrow Heidi's brain for the day and get herself taped getting stooped?

I'd like to use this story as a segue into fun terminology for vaginas. LC apparently has Angelina Jolie lips...downstairs. I'm always amused by the use of "Roast Beef Curtains" or "Harry the Hatchet Wound" (although, shouldn't it be HARRIET the Hatchet Wound)? Bearded Clam is also nice, but I think we need to modernize it. Since the trend of our favourite emo punk pop poop bands is to have as long of a title as possible, let's follow that trend. But let's also recognize the originators of this trend...the often forgotten...Primitive Radio Gods, with their 90's hit, "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand". Loves it. So how do rename the vagina in this fashion?

Suggestions?

Shopping for curtains at Pottery Barn while holding a roast beef sandwich is the most fun a girl can have.

OR

Schucking oysters and eating bearded clams is the new hot dog eating contest.

OR

Standing outside a broken vagina with an emo penis in my hand.

OR

Chicken of the sea is the most delicious meal you can have at a funeral after party.

OR

My lips are bigger than your lips that are bigger than his lips if he had lips.

Thoughts?