American Idol

How fucking lame. Just because it's a charity show doesn't mean they can't get rid of the endangered species bald eagle, Phil Stacey! One more week Mr. Clean! Or that nasty ho Jordin Sparks. Ugh...you might be only 17 and sweet but you have no talent, baby!

But this week, rather than commenting on the contestants, let's talk about the celebs!

Earth, Wind, and Fire: Was Lionel Richie not available? Was Captain and Tennille booked on a cruise? Were The O'Jays singing in a casino in Montana? How Z-list can we get to kick off a show? They sounded fine but their weaves were crazy. Makes my crazy ass weave look sane! Ho hum.

Il Divo: You mean El Dildo? Doesn't it sound like they all have a mouthful of penis and are trying to sing around it? Multitask that shit, gentlemen! These four "men", yes, in quotes...are the cheesiest mother fuckers ever. Let's just call them Brie, Camembert, Gouda, and Pepper Jack shall we? Doesn't one of the guys kind of look like Spencer from The Hills? I want to hate him when, in that ridiculous voice, he sings, "Somewhere, there's a place for us....a time and place for us". I'm like, bitch, where? The dairy aisle? Get your cheesy ass away from me!

Rascal Flatts: I don't really care about country and I certainly don't care about some fat country men singing. Should they be renamed Rascal Rounds? So boring! Roll them off!

Josh Grobin: Does this wack ass weave know any other songs besides "You Raise Me Up"? And girl, I hope I ain't raisin anything up on you! My stuff would be runnin towards the hills.

Carrie Underwood: I don't really care about this anorexic ho but I will say I was somewhat touched during her montage and cover of "I'll stand by you". But then again, I get touched by dirty pedophiles in dirty bars so what the hell do I know. I do think it's funny that some producer thought it'd be "so heartwarming" to see some blond twit hugging African babies as a symbol of hope. I won't even get started on this but it's fucking ridiculous.

Celine Dion: I shamefully love this Canadian export. She's so damn ridiculous and borderline Special Olympian that I can't help but say, "Say-Lean...Ew R zee beist zinga inn zee whirl"! But what old fat production cunt thought it'd be "so cool" to have her sing with a virtual Elvis? Again, if American Idol was like the Special Olympics, this performance would have certainly won. Call the other sister.

Kelly Clarkson: Now you all know I love me some Kelly, but did she gain 450 pounds? If she waved those arms in the air, she'd knock herself out with that arm fat! And what was with the mu-mu she was wearing??? Maybe she eats her feelings...and if so, she must be really emotional! Kelly, get it together!

Annie Lennox: Now I love this crazy ass bitch, but I'll be honest...I literally fell asleep during her performance. Annie, honey, it's time to turn back the clock (and not just with all that Botox in your face), sing some hits from the "Medusa" album, do a few Eurythmics' numbers, and call your career done. When's the farewell tour? I'm SO there!