American Idol Recap

Again, Tony Bennett? Was Deepak Chopra not available? Oh the nostalgia factor...makes me want to rub myself clean with some Ben Gay! And could he look anymore haggard? Get a brush man! Get some frizz control! Did you leave it in San Francisco? Go get it Toni Tone!

Blake Lewis: I don't like you! Jesus, he is SO cheesy. In fact, if you punch him in the gut, Velveeta squirts out of his ass. Thank goodness he didn't beatbox this situation. Listen you frosted tippy mess...you should invest in some good luggage cause honey, you're going home! Maybe you should move to Wisconsin with the other cheese heads!

Phil Stacey: John Waters lookalike sang "Night and Day". I actually will admit that I didn't HATE this performance. He seems like the kind of troll you would see playing piano at Nordstroms in a mall somewhere. Although the judges weren't fans, I'm ok with him this week. He may have to dry off his sweaty bald head though. You're starting to look like Whitney after a bad night! Sweaty cokehead!

Melinda Doolittle: My love sang "I've Got Rhythm" and...rhythm is gonna get ya! Girlfriend rocked her weave this week! The dress was a bit ill fitting, but her voice was gorgeous! And break out the sassy dance moves! And the big finish? Love it! Such an amazing talent. I'm creaming my panties for you girl! Do the DOO!

Chris Richardson: Dust bin, I mean Justin, I mean Chris, sang some shit that's pretty forgettable. Like I said last week, I'm not completely hating on him, but bread basket is such a bootleg version of JT! From the style to the voice to the penis in his mouth! The loose suspenders though? Are they the new male stirrups? Spread em honey!

Jordin Sparks: Frizz Unease sang "On a Clear Day". Did she just call it a "cute song" in front of Toni Tone? And what's with the outfit? Did you get dressed on a dark night? I'm not feeling this. And with the bad jewelry and fat face? Take your underaged ass home! And find a stair climber!

PS: How high is Paula? She didn't just sniff the glue...she injected it! She's blabbing on and on and is completely nonsensical.

Gina Glockson: Weave-Be-Gone sang "Smile". That hairdo made me frown, ho! What's the odd combination of bad weaves, braids and extensions, crusty red pieces, and horrifying makeup and dirty laundry? Besides her trainwreck appearance, I actually didn't mind her performance. It wasn't AMAZING, but certainly not as horrible as usual. Not a winner, but not a loser this week!

Sanjaya Malakar: The Indian John Travolta (come out, girl!) sang...something. I have no idea what. I was horrified by his slick backed weave and Saturday Night Fever frock. He's Z-snapped something about "dancing cheek to cheek"...and now dancing with America's favorite drug addict, Paula (besides Lindsay Lohan, Britney, the Cast of the OC, well, the list goes on and on...)! He's such an odd lady, isn't he? He's like the new William Hung meets Scissor Sisters meets a Cirque de Soleil clown. I'm entertained that he's still in this competition, but in the same fashion as when I take a really big poop and wonder, "How'd I do that?".

Hayley Scarnato: Helen Keller sang some hot mess. Where do we begin? She looks like a two bit hooker trolling for dick in the Meatpacking District! That dress! Those acrylic nails! That makeup! The only thing to complete the outfit is a big cum stain on that nasty face of hers! And the singing? I'd rather hear Tony Bennett having sex with KD Lang! This talentless beast is the next to go home.

LaKisha Jones: Miss Thang sang something so delicious...I'd eat it twice! Didn't her weave look fabulous tonight? Loved it! I would maybe think twice on the dress...the ta-ta's were out to smack some ass, but I'm loving her! I can't wait to see her and Melinda go head to head in the finale!

I'd like to give a special shoutout to my girls Sher-Weavy and E-Weavy. We're forming a new group called The Weave Sisters...so watch out America!