American Idol

Well, tonight's American Idol has come and gone so let's dish.

First of all, Bon Jovi? Now I know Ms. Karen loves her manz, but honestly, who is the talent booker on this show? Are they borderline schizophrenic? Did we enter a time warp? However, homegirl does have an amazing plastic surgeon, I reckon. A face full of Botox without looking like having a face full of Botox...Give me the number, please!

Phil Stacey: This tragic mess sang "Blaze of Glory". Has anyone else noticed that as the days go by, he's beginning to resemble a younger and thinner Boy George? And for his hat trick, he'll put DUI's out of his ass! I will give him some credit this week though...I thought his performance was fine. I know he won't win and we won't be speaking about him after tomorrow night, so let's give a golf clap to this mess. Afterall, PHILanthropy is very important.

Jordin Sparks: The wannabe Joss Stone sang "Living on a Prayer". Well, someone stuff an apple in her mouth because she is done! Now someone explain me this. If a contestant KNOWS they can't sing a song, shouldn't they pick another one to sing? Is that too logical? All the while, the bitch complains she can't hit half the notes and motors through them like a chainsaw in a virgin's ass. Big mistake! Pick another song, you talentless wench! Thank goodness two hags are going home tomorrow night...Get your buddy Phil and get packing! I bet you have a second suitcase for Control Tops!

LaKisha Jones: My angel sang "This Ain't a Love Song". Oh my good God...it was amazing! She wailed and belted all the delicious notes and left us viewers salivating like a frat boy between Tara Reid's legs. Soup's on! Get me a bib! I pray in my heart that the top two will be LaKisha and Melinda and somehow America will let these two gorgeous divas tie. Ahhh a young man can dream... Good job LaKisha! See you next week!

Blake Lewis: This "Just for Men" failure did something ridiculous (besides a horrible dye job...I mean seriously...was his hair aubergine?) to "You Give Love a Bad Name". Twist my nipples and call me baby, but isn't this a SINGING competition? I never thought I'd say this, but damn Justin Timberlake for giving hopeless white boys across the country the false impression that beatboxing makes you talented. I think enough preteen gals were lactating in their training bras (I know this is impossible...just go with it) for him to come back next week, but ick. What a loser! Boo! Sing something for once!

Chris Richardson: Friend of Mary Jane rambled through "Wanted Dead or Alive". You know, I have no major problem with him except for the fact that I find him boring. It's like eating at McDonalds. It's not particularly good and it's somewhat bad for you, but you wouldn't return it and say "No thanks". Chris is like a Big Whopper but without enough meat. Pork up, buddy!

Melinda Doolittle: My love sang "Have a Nice Day". And indeed I did! Excuse me while I do the Doo! You all know my immense love for this young lady and tonight she shined...and so did her neck! With some clever makeup and a low cut shirt, Ms. Melinda's neck came out to play! I love it! And let's talk about the singing. Oh my goodness...how absolutely amazing. She really can sing any note in any genre. Talk about versatility! Well done, dear! See you next week!

PS: Did anyone else think it was amusing that at the end of show, when Ryan said "Two people will be going home tomorrow night", they framed in on Phil and Jordin? Ha! Get ready to go home, you bitches!