American Loser

Well, as they say, it ain't over until the fat lady sings...and she indeed did! Ms. Piggy, erm, Ms. Jordin Sparks won the whole dog and pony show and was crowned the youngest American Idol. Little butt boy Blake was so "happy" for her, but he was genuinely only interested in going backstage and mounting Ms. Chris Richardson, who came back along with some of the other voted off peeps. Use a condom!

Let's chat about Ms. Bette Midler for a moment. Now I've got to love her because we're all the wind beneath each other's wings (Isn't that really just a quief?) but exactly how much plastic surgery has Ms. Bathhouse Betty had? Her face was tighter than one of R. Kelly's girlfriend's vajayjays! Botox? Check! Face Lift? Check! Ass fat implanted into her cheeks? Check!

And what about Ms. Kelly Clarkson? After appearing to be a patient on TLC's Brookhaven Obesity Clinic a few weeks ago in that gorgeous, erm, muu muu, she came back in a strappy number to proclaim, "No, America! I'm only bottom heavy...but my back is fat free!"

The highlight of the evening was clearly my girl, Ms. Melinda Doolittle. Her gospel renditions were delicious and the girls' group singalong with Ms. Gladys Knight was gorgeous. Take me on that Midnight Train, honey! Although Ms. Gladys might be sharing a plastic surgeon with Ms. Bette...