American Idol

It's all about threesomes this week...Three finalists, three songs, and three fingers in my ass! Why are they drawing this situation out another week? We all know my Melinda is about to win and get neck enhancement surgery! Love you! xoxo

JUDGE'S CHOICE

Jordin Sparks: Twinkie lover sang Simon's choice "Wishing on a Star". I personally prefer The Cover Girls' version. Remember them? Now, THEY were fabulous. This performance was basically a karaoke debacle. It wasn't terrible, but I'd be happier giving myself a bikini wax with Elmer's Glue and a toothpick.

Blake Lewis: Chris Richardson's butt buddy sang Paula's choice "Roxanne". Cute earrings, you mo! Maybe you should consider hoops! Just borrow Chris' cock rings! Somebody pinch my nipples and call me Nancy because for the first time in what feels like an eternity, this closet case didn't beat box! Hallelujah! He actually sounded tolerable for once but ho to the hum...it was more or less boring. Pack your butt plugs, little lady! You're going home tomorrow!!

Melinda Doolittle: My love sang Randy's choice "I Believe In You and Me". Work that weave! She was incredible! As Randy kept saying, "She blew it out the box". Um, I've never blown any sort of box, but I assume that's a compliment! She is SO winning next week! I am so excited!

PRODUCER'S CHOICE

Jordin Sparks: This mess sang Donna Summers' "She Works Hard for the Money". Did anyone notice her nasty hooker platforms? Maybe she should work just a little bit harder to afford some better shoes! Yet another mediocre performance from this mediocre singer. So boring! No star quality here, people. Isn't she starting to look a bit like a drag queen? She should be called Peppermint Fatty!

Blake Lewis: Half pint sang Maroon 5's "This Love". People in Murray Hill probably can't stop fingering themselves with this song selection. Frat boys love this song! I bet it's blasting at Joshua Tree right now! Grab your tube tops and let's go! Oh mother fucker, here she goes again with the beat boxing. Enough Blake! I'm done. Kick him off already.

Melinda Doolittle: This year's American Idol sang Ike and Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits". Now where exactly is nutbush? I don't think I've ever seen a nut in any sort of bush. Insert your own joke here. Oh honey, my panties are wet! This was a show winning performance! How amazing! Give her the crown and a neck brace!

CONTESTANT'S CHOICE

Jordin Sparks: This crack head's baby sang "I Who Have Nothing". Leave it to Shirley Bassey, girl! Safe choice...like a Halloween mask! It wasn't that terrible but she's no winner!

Blake Lewis: Gay Is the Way sang Robin Thicke's "When I Get You Alone". If you get me alone, clean my apartment and stop humping my leg! He's like a little chihuahua, isn't he? This performance was fine, my panties are dry, whatever. I wasn't moved...and neither were my bowels.

Melinda Doolittle: She sang "I'm a Woman". Now this make me do the DOO! She worked it, again! What a jaw dropping performance! Imagine that you just saw the Angelina and Brad sex tape (Girl, you know there must be one SOMEWHERE). Yes, your jaw hit the floor? That's how amazing my Melly Doo Doo is! Let's vote and reward the clear winner! Call!! 1-866-IDOLS-03 or 1-866-IDOL-06 or 1-866-IDOL-09