American Idol

Ahhh another week, another wash up. From the gutters of Manchester, some "talent booker" went trolling and came up with Barry Gibb of the Bee Gees. Each contestant had the opportunity to sing two songs so there's a lot to get through...Let's begin...

Melinda Doolittle: Loveliness sang "Love You Inside Out". I will admit that I agree with the judges on this one. She had impeccably vocals, but the performance fell a bit flat. She needs to shove a dildo in her ass and dance around that stage. Give us some diva moves! Flail a hand in the air! Give me a Celine Dion wave! But don't worry Doo...I'm still with you, girl!

Blake Lewis: This boob in training tried to sing "You Should Be Dancin". What a ridiculous disaster. Enough with the beat boxing, you talentless closet case! And what's happening with the blond streak through your weave? Is that your gay streak? It ain't cute, Blake! Do me one big favor...Try to sing one song without any beatbox effects...You know it'll suck, don't you! Boo!

LaKisha Jones: Diva sang "Stayin Alive" and let me say...work that weave! Contrary to the judges' opinion, I thought she did an amazing job bringing some delicious soulful antics to an otherwise overdone song. I loved it! Put this shit on YouTube! I loved the leggings and top too!

Jordin Sparks: The fat lady sang "To Love Somebody". Well, you know it ain't over until the fat lady sings...and she did. I will admit that she worked it! Even though I have no desire for her to win or even make it past this week, this safe song choice was well done. Enjoy it while it lasts, dear!

Melinda Doolittle: For her second song, she sang "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?" Excuse me while I dry my shorts because girl, I shit myself when I heard how good she was! I did the Doo and ended up in doo and I love it! It was a spectacular performance and she really does bring back the delicious sentiment of the classic songbirds like Patti LaBelle and Anita Baker. I am trembling with excitement. Work that neck, honey!

Blake Lewis: Talentless hot mess did something atrocious to "This Is Where I Came In"? Even O-Town won't have him! What a gross mess this petite Pez Dispenser is. He sang a few more notes this time and proved why he only beat boxes. Tone deaf called and Blake stuck his dick in its ass. The novelty is done. Let's get rid of him.

LaKisha Jones: She sang "Run to Me" for her second song. My shiny girlfriend tried the best she could. Besides the last horse note, she worked it vocally! It was a bit bland, in terms of performance, I must admit. I wanted to see her fall on her knees (ahem, get your heads out of the gutter, you whores) and really work the shit out of the song like a diva should. I will say there's a small dab of pee in my shorts that I'm a touch afraid that she might get canned tomorrow night. Let's pray and vote, people.

Jordin Sparks: Weight Watchers failure sang "Woman in Love". All she's in love with are brownies and lard! This is a song that Melinda or LaKisha should have sang...They would have done the shit justice. Has anyone noticed that J. Spock is starting to look more and more like America Ferrera? Ugly Jordin! That's not a stretch! Just accurate! Boo! I hope she gets voted off this week. She's like a cold sore. It's unpleasant, big, and you just want it to go away so you don't have to see it anymore.