An Open Letter

Dear Buttplug,

I would like to begin by congratulating you on becoming the new American Idol. Ladies and mo's across the country have branded their own buttplugs with an image of your face and everyone's walking a bit crooked today. Bravo!

I would like to propose some style tips to you. To start with, please keep your weave in an up do. The strange comb over hair style should be reserved for accountants and car salesman. Second, please consider a vacation to somewhere warm and tropical. You're so translucent that you look a bit blue. What's up pigment. Finally, please keep your clothing casual. The over-the-top faux rocker business makes me want to make love to a wood chipper.

Again, I would like to offer my congratulations but know that in my heart, you are no Momo, just a mo.

Love,
A Drunken Socialite

American Idol

Wasn't last night's performance show simply heaven? It is becoming abundantly clear that Momo is the lead favorite to win and that fills my heart with overwhelming joy! Yes, I know what you're all thinking. Sure, he's a great singer but he's just SUCH a pussy. I mean, when he opens his mouth, girlfriend, that's not his tongue! It's a fallopian tube! Yes indeed, when he's on stage, he looks like he just realized he has got some severe diarrhea and is waiting to run off stage and geyser that situation out. But we all love him anyways! Let's root him onto victory tonight!

Let's recap last night's performances. The first song was Clive Davis' selection, the second jam was some bullshit new songwriter situation, and the third song was contestant's pick.

David Cook: Buttplug started the evening with a stirring rendition of U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For and honey, my pot was stirred. I actually thought his performance was genuine, energetic, and all around lovely. And aren't you all glad he put his weave into an up do? Me too! Yes, his face is slightly busted, but the weave covering half his forehead was a hot mess.

David Archuleta: Momo sang Elton John's Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me and it was INCREDIBLE. I had goose bumps in places I didn't know existed. Yes, the clothes and oversized jacket was probably styled by someone blind and deaf, but his performance was simply amazing. I actually think he solidified his winning spot with this performance. It's something Buttplug could never do. I will say that I find the wording of this song a bit inaccurate. Shouldn't "Sun" be replaced with "Abusive Dad"?

David Cook: Buttplug's second song was some atrocious mess called Dream Big. Let's just say I would rather feed Cookie a hot tamale with extra sour cream, immediately shove my tongue in his crack, and wait for fate to take it's course than listen to that dismal performance again.

David Archuleta: Momo sang In This Moment for the crappy songwriter round and even though the song sucked, he worked it out! His voice was like BUTTAH and I continued to swoon while tossing my weave around the room.

David Cook: Buttplug's final tune was Collective Soul's The World I Know. I love this 90's rock jam! It reminds me of hiding behind a dumpster, smoking cloves, and thinking I was so fucking rebellious. Oh those were the days! I actually quite enjoyed Cookie's performance of the song. He changed it up a little, gave up a few oohhh's and ahhh's, but overall, it was a bit boring. Despite all my catty cunting, I think he's a great singer and will have a cute, little career. And when he can't sing anymore, he can brand butt plugs!

David Archuleta: Momo closed the show with a repeat performance of John Lennon's Imagine and it was so incredibly moving. Just ask my bowels. There's no question in my mind that Momo is the clear winner and we'll see this queen get crowned tonight!.

An Open Letter

Dear Ms. Fantasia,

I want to say that I've been a huge fan of yours since the powerful and stirring song, Baby Mama. You gave hope and light to us single mothers. I am especially moved by these lyrics.

I see you get that support check in the mail

Ya open it and you're like "What the Hell?"

You say, "This ain't even half of daycare"

Sayin to yourself "This here ain't fair"

These lyrics are so amazing and provocative. I feel...Solidarity. Promise. Wonderment.

However, I want to say that I was quite confused by your performance last night on American Idol. I don't quite think that shade of menstrual blood quite suits your head. The clown makeup was a bit confusing as well. And Ms. Fantasia, if I may ask, exactly how many pills did you take before that number and please, may I have your pharmacist's phone number? I have questions and concerns.

You may have fallen off the wagon, but please get on a city bus, or short bus.

Your Baby Papa,

A Drunken Socialite

American Idol

It's down to the Top Three contestants and the competition is heating up!  Each of our precious darlings sang 3 songs last night and the race was so stiff, I almost married it.  The first song was Judge's Choice, the second song was Contestant's Choice, and the third song was Producer's Choice.  Let's recap!

David Archuleta: Momo started the evening with a performance of Billy Joel's And So It Goes. I actually dislike just about every Billy Joel song because it just sounds like naff bullshit for fat frat boys to sing while homo erotically slapping each other's asses.  I will say Ms. Momo worked it out and I actually enjoyed his rendition.  His second song was Chris Brown's With You, one of my favorite contemporary R&B hits, and I will have to say while vocally, it was fine, everything else was a hot tranny mess.  Even trannies were screaming, "Bitch, at least I got some fuckin rhythm!".  Oh Momo, what did you do?  That dancing was atrocious and almost borderline, Clay Aiken heinous.  And who do you think you're kidding calling some lady "little mama" and "little shortie"?  Did you mean to sing "Hey little papa...hey stick it in me?".  Le sigh.  Luckily, Momo redeemed himself with Dan Fogelberg's Longer.  The vocals were clean and crisp and he always shines in this adult contemporary genre.  Work it out, Momo!  See you in the finals!

Syesha Mercado: Syesha started the evening with Randy's pick of Alicia Keys' If I Ain't Got You and it was a gorgeous delight.  Her vocals were impeccable and although it was a bit of a copycat situation (She sounded EXACTLY like Alicia), it was still an amazing performance.  Her next performance was Peggy Lee's Fever and although the judges gave her flack about selecting this song, I thought the performance was sexy, on pitch, and made sense with her musical theater background.  Sure, it didn't show off her vocals as well as they could have been, but it wasn't a BAD performance.  Syesha ended the evening with Gia Farell's Hit Me Up and sure was Rihanna chic, wasn't she?  It was very mediocre and lacked the energy that a performer like RiRi can bring.  We all know that Syesha will be getting the boot tonight so let's bid her well. She made it FAR longer than anyone expected.  Ciao mami!

David Cook: Buttplug's first song was Simon's selection of Robert Flack's First Time Ever I Saw Your Face and he did an AMAZING job!  His raspy rocker voice reinterpreted the song with such fervor and melody that I essentially leaked more than if I was watching She's the Man for the millionth time.  His second song was overly predictable yet one of my favorites, Switchfoot's Dare You to Move.  This is the genre and sound that he excels in and this performance was no exception.  He sounded great and I was impressed overall.  Buttplug ended the trio of songs with Aerosmith's I Don't Want to Miss a Thing and brought the mother fuckin house DOWN!  You know 40 year old women across the country had their Rabbits on full throttle and I think there may be a water shortage from all the showers taken at 9:01PM.

Next week is the finale and between Momo and Buttplug, I really am uncertain who will win.  I would think that the majority of Syesha's votes will go towards Momo but this country is so fucking retarded that it's hard to say.  And the anticipation swells!

The Hills

Who watched the season finale of The Hills last night?  It was about as interesting as Paris Hilton reading passages from Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth.  Actually, can you imagine how fabulous that would be?  Oprah would roll over in bed and accidentally squash Gayle in a fit of disgust and panic.  

To summarize the barely existent plot, Audrina becomes increasingly jealous of Lo and Lauren's friendship and it finally comes to climax in a big, explosive discussion filled with tears and drama. Well, that's probably what the script said, but in reality, it was a dull conversation with one singular tear drop streaming down Lauren's precious little face.  I'd sooner shove a porcupine in my ass and do the "Twist" than watch that scene again.  Per usual, the only redeeming factor was the love of my life, Ms. Lo.  She gets so bored of the plot line given to her that she generally carries on through an episode eating or watching a muted TV in the background behind the cameras.  When Lauren was "clearly upset', Lo proclaims, "Oh my God! You're upset!  What's wrong?" in the most fake tone and ridiculous intonation you've ever heard.  I would like to build a shrine to this gleaming light and pray to her daily.  

The Heidi - Spencer story line was so over the top Corky that I could barely stay awake to watch the entire thing.  Apparently, Heidi has her high power job (of taking notes while wearing hooker heels and some horrifying suit that looked fresh from Talbot's) in Las Vegas and Spencer gets SO jealous that he drags Stephanie there to confront her and bring her home. There's the scene where Brent is waiting for Heidi in the morning to go to meetings and surprise surprise, she doesn't show up because she leaving with Spencer.  Umm excuse me but did I suffer some serious amnesia or was THIS THE SAME STORY LINE AS SEASON ONE??? Lisa Love waiting for Lauren at the airport...Lauren doesn't show up because she's getting crabs from Jason...  Are they seriously recycling scripts from previous seasons for this hot tranny mess of a show? 

To top it off, I accidentally watched a few minutes of that dumb After Show, hosted by the 2 sickest cunts on the face of the planet, Jessi and Dan. Seriously, did someone find 2 used tampons, throw them against the wall, and wait for bits of uteran lining to fall off, resulting in these 2 missed abortions?  I just don't understand who in this country would find either of them acceptable. 

Oh Hey. Excuse me. Can you pass the lube?

Please tell me all you precious lambs saw Ms. Oprah's show yesterday.  I can't believe ABC aired that because girlfriend, it was the gayest show EVER!  Maybe Bravo will run the repeats. Let me set the scene.  Oprah.  Las Vegas.  Cher AND Tina Turner.  Gay gay gay!  I think the makers of Astroglide probably threw their hands up in the air and said, "Bitch, they beat us".

Apparently, 30 some odd years ago, Cher and Tina performed on some TV show and Oprah used that as the window to tie them together for this one hour long commercial for Cher's Las Vegas show and Tina's new tour.  They should have renamed The Oprah Winfrey Show :The Las Vegas Hair Show" because herds of horses around the world were neighing and shuttering to think how much of their hair had been used to make all those wigs.  

The entire program was so over the top gay and fabulous.  Cher is too old to be polite and still curses like a trucker (Loves!).  Tina is still sporting an odd, indiscernible accent - Um girlfriend, aren't you from Tennessee?  And Oprah just looks like she has pussy breath all the time when she gazes longingly at Tina.  What's love got to do with it?  However, I will say that I am totally sold and will be flying to Vegas ASAP to see Ms. Cher and greatly anticipating Ms. Tina's return to New York.  Rather than programs, they'll be handing out butt plugs and nipple clamps at both shows.

An Open Letter

Dear Mr. Castro,

Thank you for your relentless effort in attempting to entertain America the past few months. You've reminded us why the ukulele is just so sweet and why marijuana is illegal.  If I may, I would like to offer you some advice. Although I love your unique look, I think your weave may perhaps be a bit wack.  I think with a buzzed head and perhaps pants that are a bit looser, you could reinvent yourself into something special.  I would certainly be grateful, and I am sure your testicles would agree.

Jack Johnson Forever.

Yours Truly,

A Drunken Socialite

American Idol

Well, it's down to the bottom 4 and the competition is getting fierce!  Last night, our Idols selected tunes from the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees and almost all the performances were amazing!  Almost...

David Archuleta: Momo sang Ben E King's Stand By Me and Elvis Presley's Love Me Tender and per usual, he was incredible!  His voice was clean and on pitch and to the delight of ladies and mo's across the country, he sported an ensemble so gay even Clay Aiken would say, "Oh no Miss Thang, I would NOT be wearin' that tight little t-shirt, honey.  Oh yeah, and I'm not datin' anyone because I haven't found the right...girl...GRRRLLLLL".  Lucky for Momo, the judges loved his performances last night so someone didn't get the belt from Papa Joe 2.0.

David Cook: Buttplug sang Duran Duran's Hungry Like the Wolf and The Who's "Baba O'Riley and although I find him to be a faux rock imitation of a pile of steaming garbage, he sure did turn it out last night.  I am finding Ms. Cook to be more and more like brussels sprouts.  It looks sort of familiar (What's up cabbage), looks somewhat unappealing, but with the right amount of Cheese Wiz, it goes down smoothly and you feel somewhat satisfied.  But the problem is that if you eat too much of it, you'll be shooting diarrhea from here til Friday.

Jason Castro: He sang Bob Marley's I Shot the Sheriff and Bob Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man. I don't even know where to start.  Now you all know I love this dreaded wonder, but I would have rather seen a Star Jones sex tape where she's dressed up like a donkey and Big Gay Al is shouting "I love backdoor!" than re-watch those 2 nightmarish performances again.  I hate to say it, but this hot tranny mess has got to go home tonight.  There is no way he can sustain another week.  Someone please send his ass back to Rockwall, TX and introduce him to a Flowbee.

Syesha Mercado: She sang Tina Turner's Proud Mary and Sam Cooke's A Change Is Gonna Come and all I have to say (again) is WOW WOW WOW!  Is someone taking B12 shots because girlfriend is turning it out!  From the Top 12, I thought there was no chance that she would make it past a few eliminations and now she is proving us wrong, and rightfully so!  She was such a precious peanut when she started sobbing and perhaps I got moist (upstairs) as well!

At this point, I really have NO idea who will win.  I was certain that the top 2 would be the two David's but Syesha's recent jump start has got be reconsidering.  Au revoir to Miss Castro tonight and let's see what happens next week!