Do you believe in angels?

In a surprising twist, I've been sober for almost 48 hours! That's right...this drunk socialite is taking rehab very seriously...Ummm about as seriously as La Lohan! I'm relaxin out my weave and puttin my shit together for a fun night out (cocktails included, naturally).

I've spent the entire day sleeping, eating, napping, moisturizing, and now...putting on the final touches before this evening. Details to come tomorrow...

But something to leave you with...Do you believe in angels? Are you religious? Do you have ANY beliefs / morals / substance? Well, if you live in NYC...generally, the answer is NO NO and NO / NO / NO!

But someone explain this!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=445728&in_page_id=1811

Mika makes my lungs hurt

Good morning folks,

Well, last night certainly put me through the ringer. I feel like I've been marinated in Prosecco, smoked in a chimney, and repeated pelted by bowling balls. Holla!

I met Mis Nicola and Mis Jessica at Soho House and we proceeded to down 2 bottles of Prosecco and a bucket of our favourite tasty House snacks and olives. Properly buzzed, I went back to Midtown to meet Jeremiah and we hit the Mika after party situation. It was in this new venue called Spotlight Live and ended up being quite fun. The crowd was rife with fat ladies and queer boys (deja vu?). Solution? Open bar. Hundreds of drinks and cigarettes later, I turned up at home and ended up face down in bed until this morning. A tragic has-been greeted me in the mirror this morning. So hot.

Some pictures: http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====267076&nbc1=1

Hit the Road, Jack!

I am being told (since I missed the show) that Jack Osbourne doppelganger, Chris Sligh, was voted off tonight. Is this true? Girl, I hope so! Get that curly ass weave off the stage! Hit the gym, you tub of unpleasantness!

Next week...Hayley, you best be scared, girl. We are SOOOO over you. You must be going door to door offering hand jobs to have gotten this far. Well, America has squirted, erm, spoken, and you're next!

Truly Madly Deeply

Good evening all,

I am just getting home from a very delightful evening. After a long (honey, let's put an emphasis on the LONG...and not in a good way) day at work, I met up with nine of my chums at L'Express for some lovely French bistro fare. I'd like to give a big ups to Annie and her "documents". Loves it.

After dinner, we rolled to Belmont Lounge for Mr. Jordan's birthday celebration. What a delicious turnout! Lots of good peeps, hot R&B bumpin in the background...It was the hotness. However, I had to flee early to meet Ms. Sabrina and Ms. Jacky at Joe's Pub for the event of a decade.

Let me break it down...Jacky and I have had a long standing love and fascination for a certain gorgeous Australian duo for the past decade: Savage Garden. Year after year, in the mid-90's, when they were touring, something would prevent us from seeing them live in concert. Then, to the misfortune of us all, the duo split and we thought that was the end of it. Well, imagine our divine delight when we came to find out that Mr. Darren Hayes was playing a two night stand at Joe's Pub!

Let me tell you, girl. This audience was NOT what we were expecting. My assumption was that the venue would be packed with old queens tossing their weaves at each other, a few Europeans and Australians, and a few ladies. Not the case! This place looked like an unsuccessful Weight Watchers meeting. Fag hags galore, a few STRAIGHT couples, and a sprinkling of the men who dig men. Curious, George.

The show was one of the most over the top vocal performances I've ever seen! He sounded great! Flawless! I will question the odd sporadic dance move on a little stage though, but overall...loves it. It was indeed so gay, and so delicious, that when everyone walked out, we all had a little KY dripping down our legs.

One of the highlights of the show was when he said, "I now wear glasses...Oh, and I'm gay!". And the reaction? Hysterical screaming and applause from all the ladies in the audience! WHAT?!?!? Only in NYC (and probably in San Francisco...).

He did bring out a few Savage Garden songs, but to my dismay, the only "hit" was "I Want You" (Read: Che-che-che-cherry cola!). Excuse me Ms. Darren, but where was the "Truly Madly Deeply"? Where was the "I Knew I Loved You"? I know solo artists don't want to be type casted into their former bands, but c'mon! Your solo stuff isn't even released in the States! We were all there for the Savage Garden hits!

Irregardless, the show was a lovely spectacle and the three of us had a dandy time. Big ups to Ms. Sabrina for hooking us up!

Long day tomorrow so I need to hang up my weave, wash, tone and moisturize this mug, and get my situation in bed.

Ta-ta!

Courtney Loves it!

So these photos of a VERY skinny Courtney Love frolicking the beaches of Hawaii have appeared all over the internet. What do we think, people? Personally, I think they're not her. Homegirl was still carrying the chunk a few months ago and unless she's got a great surgeon or is back on heroin and not eating, there's no way. Diet and exercise? That's for the common folk. Get me a syringe, a hose, 2 Olsens, some corn syrup, and a bib and let's get to work people.

I'm off to dinner with my peeps and then to a birthday soiree...Happy Early Birthday Jordan!

The Agency

Let's talk about this week's installment of The Agency. The task this week was to cast a male and female model for a Bongo campaign. Color me mentally challenged (Read: retarded), but why is Wilhelmina casting for Bongo? Isn't Bongo some shitty demin line sold to K-Mart and other discount lines? What happened to high end? Regardless, the "deal" that never came to fruition just exemplifies the idiocy of those in this business, whom busy themselves arguing about jaw lines and hair color.

Also, who knew that "fit models" made that much money? The guy profiled last night, who was a gem until he opened his mouth and proved all stereotypes true, was raking in potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars annually more or less to...try on clothes. Ridiculous.

The feud between Becky and Pink continued and it's simply delicious. From the previews of next week, it looks like either Pink will completely lose his jelly and quit or Becky will get fired. I pray it's the former but have a suspicion it's the latter. Maybe this is the "moral" of the show...If you're a gigantic British cunt, you won't last in the fashion industry. But that's totally untrue! I don't know...This show is so delightful irregardless of the fact that it's totally nonsensical.

My favorite thing about it is that during the end credits, they run PSA's on eating disorders and "where you can go for help". Well, Step 1...Don't watch shows like The Agency where they call 6 foot 110 pound female models "fat cows"! Loves.

Tastes like tuna

I just had a delicious tuna melt from Devon and Blakely and it was fabulous, however, now I have frat boy breath. Pew wee!

American Idol

I'm happy Ms Gwen Stefani is coaching this week. She probably doesn't have that much to say, but we'll work with it, girl.

Let's go.

LaKisha Jones: Singing "Last Dance" by Donna Summer? You killed it, girl! Loving every second. My weave is on fire...and so is yours! What a fabulous way to start the show! A gay icon is born! Sing sing sing! One note: Throw on a boa, some shimmery lip gloss, and shout out a few "beep beep...toot toot"'s! Work it, Mama!

Chris Sligh: Fatso sang "Every little thing she does is magic" by The Police. People, this is like squeezing Mo'nique into a sausage. It ain't gonna work, ok? His rolls are not magical, nor enjoyable. And vocally...didn't he sound a bit constipated? Maybe a bit of curry would be magic? Let it flow, honey. Pack those curls...you're going home in a few weeks!

Gina Glockson: She sang "I'll stand by you". Hey Gina, what the fuck is with that outfit? You look like a tranny hooker reject! If you stand by me, I'm walking away. Even trannies with bad weaves and sperm hair gel are screaming, "Girl, I wouldn't stoop that low." Please consult a stylist immediately. We're so over it. The hair, the tongue pierce, the Hot Topic clothing...c'mon...You ain't 14, girlfriend. You're not in a mall. There's no food court around. I don't see a Boardwalk Fries or Sbarro Pizza. Dress your age, ho. And the singing? It was OK...but only OK. I'd rather listen to myself fart, repeatedly. Beep Beep...Toot Toot!

Sanjaya Malakar: Peacock sang "Bathwater" by No Doubt. Um, WHAT?!?! How did he get that weave up in a peacock arrangement??? This talentless freakshow continues to be allowed to mortify America week after week. Who is voting for him? This is truly painful. I'd rather get fisted by a cactus. And the singing? He wouldn't even be allowed to sing at amusement parks. You have no talent, sister! And singing about a girl? Is he a lesbian now? I don't understand how this works. Maybe he meant "grrrrrllll". Pack up the peacock...Go home!

Haley Scarnato: This Special Olympian sang "True Colours". I think she's the one to go home this week. She really is completely talentless, heinously ugly, and insists on wearing those horrifying bangs week after week. Boo, we hate you! Vote total: 0! PS: Did anyone notice her giant man hands? Creepy! And doesn't she sort of look like Jennifer Coolidge?

Phil Stacey: Baldie sang "Every breath you take". Honey, put me on a respirator! I can't breathe! Can you please put on less makeup? You look like Liza Minnelli without the weave! The vocals weren't terrible but I'm just not that into you! Take a hint!

Melinda Doolittle: She sang "Heaven knows". Yay! My lovely girl killed it, and managed to rock the leggings! There are no words to properly sum up the amazing abilities of this woman. I love everything about her! The voice, the attitude, the fabulousness...You can do no wrong, girl! Get ready to win win win!

Blake Lewis: He sang "Love Song" by The Cure. You will never be alone with ME! Listen up you bleached tip freak. Don't be so cheesy. You are not in a frat bar (although I wouldn't mind tossing a few darts at your head). I will be thankful that you didn't beatbox this week though. I'm not interested. Pack your shit up. Bye bye.

Jordin Sparks: She sang "Hey Baby". Way to destroy the song in front of the songwriter! What a mistake. I don't understand why people would pick songs when they can't hit half the notes. I wanted to sing "No baby, no baby, NO!" And didn't she look like Ugly Betty tonight? Let me rephrase that...Didn't she look like Ugly Chunky Betty tonight? No sparks. Goodbye.

Chris Richardson: JT-wannabe sang "Don't Speak". I just don't know about him. I don't like when my Idols get "too musical" and try to remix or rework the songs too much. I appreciate the DJ scratches, but now the appeal has nothing to do with his voice (which is basically JT on clearance)...now people are applauding him for "mixing it up". Is this making sense? I didn't hate the performance, but I'm not loving it.

But at the end of it all...who gives a shit? It's all about Melinda! Everyone vote for my lady! 1-866-IDOLS-07! Work!

The Hills Recap

Let's break it down.

Spencer: You are such an aggravating tool that I want to attack you with a butter knife. I can't believe it's not butter! No bitch, it's your face!

Heidi: I understand that you have the reading comprehension of a glory hole, but are you kidding me? Wake up sister friend! Spencer is a bad situation. He's like genital warts. It's ugly, you don't want it, and it's a big pain in the ass, literally. Get rid of him. I saw the previews...You best not move in with him or else Mama's gonna be real upset.

Whitney: I'm sorry you fell, but America laughed. Thanks for the giggles at your expense. I hope you get the job in NY next week. I hate Emily too.

Andre Leon Talley: Why do you sound like the American version of Dame Edna? Dahhhhlliinnnggggg you'reeeee soooo fabbuuuuulllousssss. It actually is fabulous. We love that you've got some Anna Wintour pussy moustache on. Work it girl!

LC: Love you!

How fabulous

How fabulous it is that I had to get up at the crack of 8AM to work a casting session this morning at a Soho bar with various stylists. Nothing like the smell of stale beer, cigarettes, vomit, and the loss of innocence at 9:30AM to really wake me up. It's like cuddling with Star Jones, or a chainsaw. Plush, uncomfortable, and an overbearing feeling that you're getting...well, fucked.

The skies are grey and so is my demeanor. I think it's time to skip home soon and take a power nap before gearing up for another fun episode of The Hills.

And a lovely afternoon to you all...

Sunday cocktails are especially delicious

Good evening all,

I just had a lovely late afternoon with Mis Sara and Mis Samantha, having a delicious dinner at my favorite Nolita spot, Cafe Gitane. What a delightful mound of couscous! Ummm YUM! We proceeded to pop down to Broome Street Bar and throw back a few glasses of wine in the presence of Frenchmen and other various Euro-snacks. Loves.

I'm off to an early morning casting session tomorrow, a "chemistry test" if you will, so I think it's time to retire this weave and get to bed.

Ta-ta!

Child, your skin needs to breathe!

I finally hauled my fat ass down to my local H&R Block today for some tax consultation which more or less consisted of me handing them a wad of forms and saying, "Deal with this". He did manage to get me quite a delicious tax return so I beelined my way down to the Sephora and caused quite a frenzy with my spending. I tried one of the products tonight and it is amazing! It's Bliss' Triple Oxygen Instant Energerizing Mask and let me tell you honey, my skin is awake! You pump a few pink squirts into your hand (Boy, you been eatin those $5 strawberries...Shiiitttt....), and rub it into your face until it foams. 5 minutes later...rinse, tone, and moisturize and you will look stunning. Your pores will look clean, miniscule, and your skin will feel amazing. Loves it!

Don't throw your mobile at me!

Well, we all know Naomi Campbell is a bit of a loon. All her assistants have cell phone inprints in their heads to show for it. This week, she spent her "community service" at the Sanitation Department in NYC, dressed to the nine's to help mop up the city gunk. I'm sure she sat in an office and fingered her Blackberry, but let's imagine her with a mop and bucket for kicks.

Well, how fabulous is it that on her last day, at her departure, she rolled out in a FULL GOWN and jewels? Reality has left the building, people. This is so insane and so ridiculous that it's fabulous.

Check it:

http://www.splashnewsonline.com/2007/03/24/the-big-bag-mystery-resolved/#more-5256

Then she hops into a Rolls Royce and flees. If only all charity work and community service was done like this...how lovely.

This week on The Agency

Well, I just got caught up with this week's episode...and how fabulous! Let's begin. Robin, the toothless whore from Alabama that they're trying to keep their claws in? How is she high fashion? Please someone explain this concept to me. I've seen used tampons that were cuter than her. She's gawky, completely ugly, and looks like an alien. No, that's not true. Even aliens are saying, "Don't lump that mess with us!". I don't understand the buzz around her. I think that fatty Pink (the man on the show, not the PUNK chantuese) would look better on the runway. Hmph!

And Bryce? Yes, a good looking man...but he really solidified the stereotype of dumb male model doesn't he? Even Zoolander is looking at him with one raised eyebrow. And he got into a fight and fell into his cup, resulting in a black eye? That's a hot mess. Maybe he should stop doing sit ups and start reading some real literature, like US Weekly and other biblical experiences.

Becky was her usual fabulous this week. I loved when she said to Robin, "You're not a tramp...you're a model!". So delicious. Keep up with the tasty snarls! We love them!

A most fabulous interview

My most fabulous friend and makeup artist extraordinaire...The lovely and talent Sheree and I had a fun interview. Check it.

1) Who is YOUR American Idol?

Ms. Melinda Doolittle is my American Idol, but girlfriend has to find the right weave. Her neck is slowly disappearing...going...going...gone.

2) Who has the best hair on Idol? Who’s weave do you admire?

Ummm, thats a tough one, but I think for entertainment value, I gots to go with Lakishsa. Her weave is SO bad...It's good. I think she needs to upgrade to human hair, and stop buying that yak. If she dosen't win Idol, I can see her having a career in hair modeling.

3) Do you prefer men in boxers or briefs?

Commando.

4) Top or bottom?

I don't participate in the boot knocking game anymore, but back in the day I was an all rounder.

5) Who is your fantasy man?

The British guy from Transporter.

6) Between these 3, who would you fuck, chuck, and marry? Simon, Paula, Randy.

Marry Simon Cowell, and I would toss a coin to see what my destiny was for the other 2.

7) What are you wearing right now?

LaKisha's outfit from last night...weave and all!

8) G-String, Panties, or nothing at all?

Bloomers.

9) What are your tips to work your weave well?

If your weave starts to smell, spray a little perfume into the wefts. If that dosen't work, slap a wig on or wear a hat. Do not take your weave out to air your hair...You'll regret it.

10) What makeup tips do you have for our readers?

Do not try and copy Angelina Jolie's makeup unless you are drop dead gorgeous. You will have better luck going for the casual tranny eyes. Eyelashes are a must. If you cant find eyelashes, use a bit of old weave.

Another night, another dollar

Good evening all,

I just returned from a fabulous evening. After a long day at work, I met Mis Sara and Mis Mjeema in the Meatpacking to hit PM for Timbaland's listening party. What an evening! All my MTV/VH1 peeps that I love came out and danced the night away. Also, Mis Justin Timberlake and Mis Nicole Scherzinger (of Pussycat Dolls fame) came out to boogie down. All was lookin fine and delicious. So many cocktails, so many dance moves. My weave is sweaty and tired so I need to hit the sack, but good evening to you all.

Big ups to Sara and Jordan for hooking this Asian sister up!

And just for fun, big ups to Mis Jackie, because she thinks I never shout her out. Holla!

The camel toe wears no clothes

Dear Ms. Lindsay Lohan,

I know karaoke is fun. Sometimes I like to do it too. Sometimes I'm in the mood to sing SWV, sometimes Pat Benatar, sometimes Miami Sound Machine, and sometimes Madonna. Sometimes I'll have a few cocktails at that karaoke bar. But you know what I always have on? UNDERWEAR!! My shit is C-O-V-E-R-E-D. I understand your vagina needs to breathe. It needs air. It might be stinky. We get it. But go into a bathroom stall and fan it down. Please don't pull up your skirt and flash those innocent bystanders. We love you dearly and we're very concerned. Get it together. We know you can do it.

G-Strings and Thongs,

XOXO

Photo: http://www.wwtdd.com/photo.phtml?post_key=2048&photo_key=2391

Note: How many of these fucking letters can I write in a 24 hour period? Who's ready to see some Olsen hoo-ha??

This socialite will never stop drinking

Good evening all,

What a delightful evening we had at the House. The Prosecco was flowing and so was the party mix! Big ups to Stephen for buying us a round. Loves you. The union of unemployment really warms my heart, and other things. Xoxo.

And for those following American Idol...um...WHAT?! My girl Stephanie was kicked off before that dirty tampon Hayley? Oh HELL TO THE NO! That's a big pile of smelly bullshit (Incidentally, that's what Hayley's mother said when she unfortunately birthed that cow)! I am dismayed...heartbroken...overwhelmed with emotion. America...get it together!

I'm off to bed...This employed hag has got to get his rest. Let's pray I don't fall asleep with a seaweed mask on...I'll wake up looking like Janice Dickinson's hoo-ha!

The House

I'm off to Soho House to be fabulous and get hammered with Mis Nicola and Mis Jessica. This long day certainly warrants a few delicious cocktails. Ta-ta!

Close them up!

Dear Ms. Janice Dickinson,

Just because Britney and Paris did it, it doesn't mean you have to also! Why are you spreading your legs for the paparazzi? You know your vagina is old, smelly, stretched out, and not cute. So you decided to cover it with a panty liner? That's even worse. We know Aunt Flow left town years ago, and although she sends you little monthly reminders that those eggs are scrambled, WE don't all need to see that! Please, have the decency to cross your legs. Even trannies think you're too man-like. We know you can do it. It's all about faith.

Hugs and Kisses,

XOXO

The top eleven

Um, Peter Noon and Lulu? Did the producers scour the beach in Santa Monica and pick up the first wash ups they found? Were Captain and Tennille unavailable?

Let me break it down for you...one by one...Here we go!

Haley Scarnato: She sang "Tell Him" to mostly good marks by the judges. Let me tell you, honey. I don't like you, you're annoying, your prom hair is a hot mess, and please, do something about that heinous face! If you want to win, you're going to have to do more than tell him, you're gonna have to blow him! Boo! You're going home soon. Next!

Chris Richardson: He sang "Don't let the sun catch you crying". Hey peanut...don't let the sun catch you with a forehead of zits! Clean and clear and under control? No, you ain't! And doesn't he always have this odd mischievious look about him? Like he just stole a Playboy and a bottle of KY warming liquid and has mysteriously disappeared? His voice is decent, however, he's no JT! Just no one has told him that! I give him a top 6 prediction, but not a winner!

Stephanie Edwards: She sang "You don't have to say you love me". Well, she's no Beyonce, but she worked it! Sing it, baby! I agree with the judges about her "losing her edge". She used to be much more spunky, and now she's like watching Elmer Fudd jerk off. Boring! One more note, those long dangly earrings...Oh no. Take that shit off! You're fierce enough without them! Again, not a winner, but she's not going home yet.

Blake Lewis: He sang "Time of the season". Um, hey girl, what are you wearing? Even gay guys in Chelsea are saying, "Hell no, I wouldn't wear THAT". And straight men with highlights? Lame! And the beatboxing? So done! Only fat girls in the Midwest will like you! Blake, pack your bags, girlfriend. Don't let the bus hit you on the way home! Top 6 but not a winner!

LaKisha Jones: She sang "Diamonds are forever". Yes baby, yes baby, YES BABY! You killed it! LOVED IT! What a delicious, fierce performance! And you brought the ta-ta's out for show and tell! Loving you! Top 4 for sure!

Phil Stacey: He sang "Tobacco Road". Hey Daniel Powter! You look like Britney Spears! A hot mess! And that performance? You made me want to quit smoking! Hack hack cough cough NOT GOOD! Pack your bags!

Jordin Sparks: She sang "I who have nothing". Doesn't she look like a whore-ish version of Norah Jones? You know, I always forget about her, but she was pretty fierce tonight. I think she'll make it a few more rounds. She can sing...but she wouldn't be missed. Enjoy it while you can!

Note: I just saw my girl Nicey Nash in the audience. Hey girl!

Sanjaya Malakar: He sang "You really got me now". Work that weave, boy! Holy crap! You have no talent now, do you? And why is that girl (who resembles a young Alicia Silverstone) sobbing in the audience? They weren't tears of joy...they're were tears of fright! You're a hot mess! You make me want to finger myself with a chainsaw! Pack up!

Gina Glocksen: She sang "Paint it black". Hey hey you you! You're not Avril Lavigne (luckily)! I think you're ok, your voice is fine, you're so "edgy" (yawn...), but guess who's not going to be in the finale? You!

Chris Sligh: Fatty sang "She's not there". You know why? Cause you ate her! Chomp chomp! Work it Jack Osbourne! Your voice is ok, but it's like watching Chris Farley shower. Unpleasant! Pack your moo moo! Here's a cute one for you:
http://www.amerimark.com/cgi-bin/amerimark/cate_id/appllwdus/prod/56491/item_detail.html?keywords=&srcmode=&sortbyprice=

Melinda Doolittle: She sang "As long as he needs me". You went and saved...the best...for last! I love you! You are stunning and phenomenal. From the beginning, I think it's quite clear that you've already won this dog and pony show. Your rendition was sparkling and perfect! Love love love! I'm coming to your show when you tour!

Big Ups to my Mama

Another birthday is upon us...and this time...It's Mama Ho! Yes, that's right...the woman with the balls to birth ME (something is very wrong, yet so right, about this sentence) celebrates another year of deliciousness. I can't reveal her age because she'd douse me with cheap drugstore moisturizers, but either way, she's totally fab. Big ups Mama!

Again, not much to report. Just another day of work. I've now come home, hung up my weave, ordered from the chef (or local Thai situation...same diffy), and am awaiting my girl, Melinda Doolittle to sing her little (well, big...) heart at. I love me some American Idol, fool!

I'm sure I'll have some catty commentary very shortly so hold onto your ankles and get ready.

Working 9-5

Well, 10-6...but I'm a working girl! I've made the executive decision NOT to post about the details of my job here. You know, I'm all professional and shit.

I will say it's quite odd to be back in the work force after a brief hiatus on my couch. I zipped all around the city today to different offices and meetings. Such a busy bee!

This evening, I'm hoping to see Mis Penelope to celebrate her belated birthday. Perhaps, I'll take another fine lesson in investment banking(ering) down on Stone Street. Show us your money makers!

Last day of freedom

The haze of last night and today's all day extravaganza has hindered my ability to function until this point. Where do I begin? Mis Mindy, Jessica, and I started our St. Patrick's Day fun at Dempsey's in the East Village, which turned out to be a total shit show, so we sauntered next door to the bar aptly named, Wine Bar, which, erm, served wine. It's delicious and super cute. Very date worthy. Then, we sauntered around the corner to Stillwater where the crowd was college and we were not. There were one particular McSteamy look-a-like that we tossed our weaves at but we eventually moved on to Hi Fi, another college watering hole. Well, my hole was wet enough so we moved on yet again to the Tribeca Grand, which was much more our speed. A few cocktails and the most delicious Mac and Cheese snack, and I was home, face down on the couch with The Fresh Prince of Bel Air playing in the background. So hot.

Today, the ladies, plus Mis Nicola (fresh faced and tan from the Bahamas), and I had a fabu brunch at The Odeon, then shopped until our little hams couldn't take it anymore. Mis Jessica was trying to explain the wonders of her little magic box and welcomed us to come along, but we were very complexed. After a hard cardio workout, we ended up at 60 Thompson guzzling more cocktails and ended at Peep for dinner. We had a wacked waiter (and by wacked, I mean fabulous) who was so inappropriate and crude that I immediately took to him like a dildo to a single 45 year old. At one point, he managed to say "pube" to Nicola (referencing a hair in her drink), and later on, said "lingam" to me, which we later deciphered as LINGER. Loves it.

Today was my last day of freedom from this pesky bout of unemployment so I felt it proper to be well lived and well drunk.

Tomorrow is the start of a new job and new life! I feel like it's the first day of school and I should sharpen my pencils and get a good night's sleep...However, I may refill my flask and repack my lunch box...and it's a little magic box too!

Get your green on

Good morning you early risers. How do you all do it? I have NO idea why I'm awake at this horrific hour...by now, I'm usually hitting the third sleep cycle and have a solid 3 or 4 more hours before I get up. I suppose I need to get back on track since I'll have to be getting up to glue up my weave and get to work now that I'm a 9-5 gal...or 10-6...or 11-7. Sheesh!

First off, Happy St. Patrick's Day! Don't wear green and get your asses pinched!

Also, big Happy Birthdays to Ms. Penelope Jeffers and Jenya Meggs! Blow blow blow out the candles!

Last night, through the toils of the snow, I met up with Mis Erika and Susan (now affectionally known as Rose and Cunt Drum, respectively...and I'm Miz Pinot...Miz Grigio if you nasty) at the restaurant in the Hotel on Rivington called THOR. What a delicious treat! It was quite tasty and we stuffed ourselves like whores on prom night. Put it in our mouths! Loves it.

Then we rolled into the Club room for Jenya's birthday celebration but my tired Asian ass tumbled home before the birthday girl showed up. Happy birthday Jenya!

I am no longer disparate and dismal

Well, my unemployment didn't last long my pets. As of Monday, I will once again be part of the working force. Details of my upcoming project will be released soon, but I promise you it's fabulous.

I was sick of chomping on that breadline bread anyhow. Back to sushi and Trimspa, baby!

Pax Jolie

So Angie has picked up yet another Asian baby and named the sucker Pax. Seriously?! Is she going to called him Paxil? Pa-pa? Ax? P. Ax? I love that the number of Asians in that family are rising by the day! Soon her house will look like a massage parlour! And poor lil trailblazer Maddox. You might as well send that kid to Promises now and leave his ass there, because you KNOW he's gonna be snorting coke off Zahara's ass in about 8 years. Loves it.

Global warming is bullshit...Oh wait...

Well, I'm really enjoying the fact that we're experiencing all four seasons in NYC this week. 2 days ago, I looked like a sweaty cokehead (a la Renee Z) in the nearly 70 degree heat, and today...its sleeting, raining, snowing, and all around nasty. It's like Mother Nature has got some serious indigestion and is passing gall stones on my head. Not cute!

Last night, Mis Jessica, Mindy, and I trolloped through Stone Street for a lesson in investment banking...To be more specific...a lesson in investment bankers. Some were cute, some were boring, some had applebottoms, some had no bottoms, and some thought they could dance. I haven't been so horrified since seeing Jael from Top Model's face the previous evening. The only way to remedy this disaster was to drink and eat nachos. Naturally.

Then, I came home and played with my friend insomnia. He's so fun. He keeps me up ALL NIGHT LONG! I decided to watch the film, Trust the Man. After the initial viewing, all I could think was, Girl, I'm about to stab the Man. This film sucks! It's a cast of all B-List actors who talk talk talk about their relationships, sex lives, ugly faces, whatever. Yes, it's one of those "talky movies" that tend to be boring, pretentious, and INSIGHTFUL...Right...

I also managed to catch a repeat of this week's airing of The Agency. Now, let's talk about Sean, who runs the NY office. Exactly what did he do to recreate the moon on his face? Homegirl has some serious potholes happening...Crater face! Becky was her usual cunt-a-licious, so delicious, self and I loved it. The model they brought from Jamaica was OK, but her skin looked like toe jam, but she seemed sweet nonetheless.

Reality Recap

Well, I've spent the entire evening watching so much reality TV that I feel compelled to comment on it.

Let's start with The Hills (rerun from Monday's premiere). What exactly is wrong with Spencer? He exceeds the highest peak of true "tool-dom" and is possible one of the most ridiculously arrogant and annoying people I've ever "met". He is such a raging douchebag that even Summer's Eve is like, "Even we're not like that". And Heidi...girl, get it together. I understand that you are potentially one of the dumbest people in LA, but even you're too good for that jerk. And the best part? He's not even cute!

I will always love LC. She can do no wrong in my eyes (except maybe lose 10 pounds), but potato potatoe...just don't eat it.

Audrina may be runner up for 2nd dumbest in LA. She looks like the type of girl who secretly reads self-help books because she'll never understand "I'm just not that into you". You can also tell...She totally takes it up the ass.

MOVING on...America's Next Top Model. Tonight's episode is the first I've seen. Let's start with Jael. Girl, my colon is cuter than you. Why do they let these girls on the show? She is HEINOUS looking. And to top it off, she has that Lindsay Lohan chain smoker voice. I get it...you're so punk rock. Your friend OD'ed. You're so Pete Doherty. Shut the fuck up and kick that ho off the show.

And what's up with Brittany? She cries at EVERYTHING. She's so annoying and if I didn't know better, I'd hang that ho by her weave. NOT CUTE!

And speaking of not cute...Um...Miss Tyra...what is going on with the knit skull cap you were rocking in the elimination round?? It looked like a half rolled on condom on your head. Not cute!

Finally, American Idol. Let's start. Diana Ross. Girl, you're OVER. I understand you're a "legend", but you are no longer relevent. You are tone deaf, pitchy, flabby, and not cute. Just take your money, watch Dreamgirls, and call it a day.

This show is all about my girl, Melinda Doolittle! She can do NO wrong. Love love love her! Her song stylings are just so delicious and beautiful. If she doesn't win, I am going to light Ryan's hair gel with a cig so that everyone can see he's a flamer...

Doctor Ruth...Sit on my face!

So I've been inspired to make this blog an advice column...People are forever asking me about what do to in their relationships, sex lives, etc, so why not put it in a column? Ha!

Email your pressing questions and I'll answer them on here. Fret not my pets, I will not publish your names when you're asking me who you should do or what you should do with those pesky genital warts.

Anderson and Kelly

Don't even ask me why I'm awake at this horrifying hour. I think with all this extra sleep I'm getting (thanks unemployment!), which is up to 10 hours a night plus the requisite 2-3 hour nap daily, I'm all slept out.

So I'm watching Regis & Kelly at the moment with Anderson Cooper filling in and it is...well, how do I put this delicately...um...you know when you have two annoying aunts who sit around gab about nothing? It's sort of like that.

These 2 ladies are gabbing about American Idol, the latest "news" such as Star Jones' weight loss...and now they've just recreated a scene of Laverne and Shirley (Um, I'm not kidding). College kids going to their Queer Theory course can skip class today. Just watch these two dames have at it.

Many thanks

Many thanks to all those who kept this drunk ass ho entertained tonight!

I met up with Mizz Jessica and Natalie at Bar Martignetti in Nolita. It was super delish (Thanks Jessica!) and we had some tasty dishes! It's a fab restaurant and comes highly recommended! Then I zipped up to the newly done Gramercy Theater to see Mutemath. What a lovely and cute band. Some snappy and catchy songs and CUTE band members (Thanks Lisa and Liz!). THEN, we zipped down to the Bowery too see Mizz cokehead-of-the-hour Amy Winehouse. The first half of the performance was a bit drab, but with the Lauren Hill cover, she picked the shit up and it was fabulous (Thanks David!).

And to top off Jeremiah's birthday, we decided MORE drinks were in order so we went to a bar in Soho and drank until our livers said, "No girl, it's time to go home".

I look a hot mess, and I'm scared that Angelina may adopt me so I think it's time to go to bed. G'night!

Happy Birthday!

Well, the March birthdays roll on and today, I'd like to give an extra special birthday shoutout to Jeremiah! Happy Birthday peanut! Beep beep...Toot toot!

I must say, with all these March birthdays, it seems like husbands sure like to squirt into their wives in the early summer months. Then nine months later...half my friends pooped out!

I am so brave

Well, what a fun filled day in the life of this drunk slob! After brunch and some light shopping, I zipped home for some "me time" (I don't know what that means either but I was definitely face down asleep on the couch for a good while), then revived to make it to dinner with the peeps at Paladar in the Lower East Side. Now, the aforementioned peeps have requested to remain nameless in the off chance that their respective bosses may come across this blog and wonder why half his/her staff is out "sick" (read: hungover) tomorrow. Mojitos, margaritas, some light talk of crabs and various STD's...girl, it was all flowing until show time. Then we walked (pick your jaw up off the floor...I DO walk...sometimes) to the Bowery to catch our men in tights, The Bravery's show. You got to love Sam, Long Duck Dirt, and the boys. So sweaty and so delicious.

Big ups to Mizz Erika and Christine for taking care of this Spicy Rice boy for the night!

Brunch time!

Good morning you employed vixens (Now stop reading blogs and get back to work)! I have no time to chat/blog for I am running late for a brunch. I'm off to Nice Matin on the Upper West Side for a leisurely booze filled brunch with Sheree and Karen and perhaps an afternoon fuckfest with Barney's. I hate being impoverished and unenployed...or actually...loves it.

Rebel, Rebel

Oh girl, doesn't Daylight Savings just get your weave up in knots? I think it's 5AM, or 4AM, or shit, my tired twisted up ass is still awake blogging. Not cute.

What an evening it's been for this drunk socialite! I had a delicious dinner at Candella with my love, Miz Lisa DeLuca. Appetizers for dinner are totes delectable. Then, we headed to Rebel for the birthday extravaganza of Jeremiah, AJ, and Chris. First of all, the DJ was out of control. He looked liked Mr. Six of the Six Flags commercials (yes, the old queen with the black framed glasses, the pudge, the hands in the air cause she don't care). He played his shit like it was Dance Mix 1995...all the vintage hits...Old school Janet, Paula (pre-cracked out bitch phase), NSYNC, Spice Girls, and a 30 minute Madonna marathon. We were sweatin to the oldies. Whooo weee!

I'd like to give an extra special shoutout to Miz Roulie Zouzias, delicious dancing queen of the evening, who specifically asked me NOT to shout her out on this blog. You been punk'd!

Extra special Happy Birthday's to Jeremiah, AJ, and Chris!! I hope you all get what you wanted and that you get feverishly fingered to your colon's delight...all night long...Loves it.

And to Miz Rebecca, here's hoping you wake up with a rugby shirt strewn on the floor. I hear the San Francisco treat is quite tasty.

The Agency

Well, in my late night TV viewing, I stumbled across the second episode of VH1's new show The Agency...which I love, naturally. For those of you unfortunate enough to not have seen this television gem, it's all about the agents that work at Wilhelmina. And let me tell you, they are all truly cunts (Don't be offended by that word, it's fabulous). There's this old fat queen named Pink, who's in charge of the high end women's line. He basically looks like that pervy uncle everyone has that you suspect a few young boys are chained up in his basement. Then, the real star of the show, this British woman named Becky. She's such a cunt, in fact, she's such a cunt that she's a twat. She spouts off the rudest, most horrendous things at aspiring models and her co-workers. I understand that viewers are supposed to be mortified by her, but rather, I find her inspirational and lovely. In fact, I would love to get her number and go out with her one fine evening. She's a total drunk (like me), a total cunt (like me), super judgmental (d'uh)...excuse me but how do you spell MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN??? Loves it.

Well, the weather is very San Francisco chic in NYC today...Overcast, in the 50's, threat of rain...I clearly am loving it and it's making me nostalgic for home. I left my prostate...in San...Fran...cisco...

Tonight is the triple threat birthday soiree at Rebel for Jeremiah, AJ, and Chris...Oh la la! I got my weave in check, freshly injected Botox, my stomach stapled, and my entire body waxed. Girl, you know...it's on.

Lifetime, television for the insomniac

Let me paint you a picture of true dispair. Me, my couch (incidentally indented by my evergrowing ass), Golden Girls rerun on Lifetime (Dorothy's a slumlord apparently!), 1AM, Friday night. Did someone yell loser and I looked up from my English Toffee Crunch Weight Watchers ice cream bar to answer "ehh"? If you look up "Has Been" in the dictionary, you may come across myself, Jessica Simpson, or MTV as a relevent music channel. Oh snnnaaapppp!

No more blogging for tonight...the show's back on. Thank you for being a friend.

Hangovers are for virgins

Good morning all. No, your lovely eyes are not deceiving you. I am indeed awake and decidedly not hungover. Experience has taught me that hangovers are for college kids and Scientologists. Last night's debauchery at the Tribeca Grand was quite fun and we drank until last call, naturally.

Today, I awake to so much gossip that I need to comment on.

Lindsay's new blond hair? No bitch, it's not cute. You look like a blond version of Heidi Fleiss. Did Britney call you and tell you that would be, like, totally cute and rad? It's not. Dye it back.

Jake and Reese? It's possible, but they're probably just humping. I don't get how these 2 underwhelming actors became so big. Yes, they're talented, if you like Donnie Darko and Legally Blond (1 and 2, duh), but all this attention? And isn't Reese the highest paid actress now? This is ridiculous.

Amy Winehouse is a cokehead? How is this news? Well, no shit she is. It might be news if she was snorting household cleaners. Baby, I just did three lines of Pine Sol! But coke? Ohhh! What if she was snorting coke off of Kate Moss' boobs with Pete? Now THAT's news.

John and Jessica in Rome? Um, how do you spell FAKE RELATIONSHIP? The only one fucking Jess is Joe.

Ok, I need to go lie down and watch The View.

Happy Birthday!

A very special shout out goes to Ms. Kelly Rosen on her birthday today! I won't reveal her age, because us ladies have got to stick together. With some ample use of skin care products and Botox injections, we'll be forever young. Also, banging 21 year old pool boys doesn't hurt. Ah baby, you keep me young.

Tonight, the celebrations continue with a lush dinner at Mercer Kitchen and a drinking extravaganza at the Tribeca Grand. I hope to be face down in a puddle of my own vomit by evening's end. Some wear seaweed masks, I wear "Ketel soda with a splash of stomach acid" masks.

It's Ladies Night!

Well, didn't the ladies bring the heat tonight on American Idol?!??! Yes baby, yes baby, they certainly did. After the shit show of their male counterparts last night, it's clear that the next American Idol will have a vagina. And what a lovely twat it shall be!

Where shall we begin?

How about with the delightful LaKisha Jones? She is a delicious treat and her diva song stylings of Mizzzz Chaka Khan were tasty and funfilled. Even more fabulous than LaKisha may be her mother and aunt. Showtime at the Apollo came into full force when those ladies shouted back at everything Mizzzz Ryan Seacrest said after the performance. That portion of the show should be called "White Men Can't React". I loved their matching t-shirts. Clearly, they come in size XXXXXL, but I wonder if they make them in a men's medium.

And the one who should win...yes girlfriend, it's Melinda Doolittle! Even her name is fabulous! She has such an amazingly versatile voice! She's genuinely so sweet and lovely and I can't wait to watch her win this show!

I also enjoyed Gina Glocksen but she has about as much "edge" (Randy's words) as Avril Lavigne. It's nice to have someone who doesn't only sing the "classics", but let's not kid ourselves. Skater Grrrrrrl isn't going to win.

Now let's get down and dirty with that slutbag Antonella Barba. Ick. She completely ruined that Corinne Bailey Rae song. Someone should shove a cock back in her mouth. She should just continue with her true ambition to star in low budget film. Work on your gag reflex, sista! Not your voice! If you haven't had the mispleasure...check on it: http://www.antonellabarba.tv/

My vibrator stopped working...Maybe it was laid off!

Well, no, the headline is clearly untrue...but what an attention grabber! Another day has passed in the life of this drunken socialite. I meant to job hunt but was casually distracted by the trainwreck that TRL has become. After canning half of their staff and trying desperately to revitalise the show, the producers must really be scraping the bottom of that dirty bucket, attempting to think of something "creative". Ciara has been co-hosting all week and although that tranny seems sweet and just WASP-y enough to be "pop", her and Damien have the chemistry of my mouth and a vagina. Oil and water, bitches!

After the show, I decided to saunter through my hood in search of the hidden post office on Hanover Street. Unlike yesterday, I glued up my weave and looked my cutest (I'm Asian and flexible, you bankers!). However, the not so pleasant cold temperatures had me looking like a freezer box disaster.

No plans tonight unfortunately. I could potentially clean my apartment (again). At this point, the shit's so clean I could dry hump the floor to get "cleaner".

Toodles, my poodles.

Camp Unemployment

Good morning campers! Today we have a very packed itinerary which includes job hunting, sleeping, fine dining in the (Girl-You-A) Mess Hall, job hunting, napping, and heavy drinking. I will be your camp counselor, Master Ho. Please don't forget your unemployment cards...You can't leave home without it.

Yes, welcome to Drunk Frank's blog y'all. It's true...I am a total "has been" and will now blog to my colon's content to fill my otherwise miserable days. Much like Britney, I once was a rising star but now...well, "hot mess" doesn't even come close to precisely defining my current status.

Let's recap today's events, shall we? At the break of afternoon, I finally hauled ass out of bed, scrubbed up for an exciting day, then beached myself on the couch, snacking on take out and Weight Watchers ice cream bars. Yes, I'm really setting the mood here. Mid-afternoon, I decided to hit the Penny Arcade at the local Commerce Bank on Wall Street. Looking disheveled and borderline homeless, I wandered down Wall, fighting the human traffic of those leaving the Stock Market. Pink shirts, Gucci suits, all the preppy cunts going back to Greenwich were present, and like a bowling ball rolling upstream, I trekked. I did manage to turn in $175.18 in change, however. Who knew pocket change could amount to so much?

This evening, I had dinner at Momofuku Ssam in the East Village and fighting the bitter cold, I am back in my apartment watching some fat losers on American Idol. I haven't followed too closely this season, but apparently the Special Olympics are in town and drool off your double pimple-infested chin isn't a hinderance to "this singing competition".