American Idol

I'm happy Ms Gwen Stefani is coaching this week. She probably doesn't have that much to say, but we'll work with it, girl.

Let's go.

LaKisha Jones: Singing "Last Dance" by Donna Summer? You killed it, girl! Loving every second. My weave is on fire...and so is yours! What a fabulous way to start the show! A gay icon is born! Sing sing sing! One note: Throw on a boa, some shimmery lip gloss, and shout out a few "beep beep...toot toot"'s! Work it, Mama!

Chris Sligh: Fatso sang "Every little thing she does is magic" by The Police. People, this is like squeezing Mo'nique into a sausage. It ain't gonna work, ok? His rolls are not magical, nor enjoyable. And vocally...didn't he sound a bit constipated? Maybe a bit of curry would be magic? Let it flow, honey. Pack those curls...you're going home in a few weeks!

Gina Glockson: She sang "I'll stand by you". Hey Gina, what the fuck is with that outfit? You look like a tranny hooker reject! If you stand by me, I'm walking away. Even trannies with bad weaves and sperm hair gel are screaming, "Girl, I wouldn't stoop that low." Please consult a stylist immediately. We're so over it. The hair, the tongue pierce, the Hot Topic clothing...c'mon...You ain't 14, girlfriend. You're not in a mall. There's no food court around. I don't see a Boardwalk Fries or Sbarro Pizza. Dress your age, ho. And the singing? It was OK...but only OK. I'd rather listen to myself fart, repeatedly. Beep Beep...Toot Toot!

Sanjaya Malakar: Peacock sang "Bathwater" by No Doubt. Um, WHAT?!?! How did he get that weave up in a peacock arrangement??? This talentless freakshow continues to be allowed to mortify America week after week. Who is voting for him? This is truly painful. I'd rather get fisted by a cactus. And the singing? He wouldn't even be allowed to sing at amusement parks. You have no talent, sister! And singing about a girl? Is he a lesbian now? I don't understand how this works. Maybe he meant "grrrrrllll". Pack up the peacock...Go home!

Haley Scarnato: This Special Olympian sang "True Colours". I think she's the one to go home this week. She really is completely talentless, heinously ugly, and insists on wearing those horrifying bangs week after week. Boo, we hate you! Vote total: 0! PS: Did anyone notice her giant man hands? Creepy! And doesn't she sort of look like Jennifer Coolidge?

Phil Stacey: Baldie sang "Every breath you take". Honey, put me on a respirator! I can't breathe! Can you please put on less makeup? You look like Liza Minnelli without the weave! The vocals weren't terrible but I'm just not that into you! Take a hint!

Melinda Doolittle: She sang "Heaven knows". Yay! My lovely girl killed it, and managed to rock the leggings! There are no words to properly sum up the amazing abilities of this woman. I love everything about her! The voice, the attitude, the fabulousness...You can do no wrong, girl! Get ready to win win win!

Blake Lewis: He sang "Love Song" by The Cure. You will never be alone with ME! Listen up you bleached tip freak. Don't be so cheesy. You are not in a frat bar (although I wouldn't mind tossing a few darts at your head). I will be thankful that you didn't beatbox this week though. I'm not interested. Pack your shit up. Bye bye.

Jordin Sparks: She sang "Hey Baby". Way to destroy the song in front of the songwriter! What a mistake. I don't understand why people would pick songs when they can't hit half the notes. I wanted to sing "No baby, no baby, NO!" And didn't she look like Ugly Betty tonight? Let me rephrase that...Didn't she look like Ugly Chunky Betty tonight? No sparks. Goodbye.

Chris Richardson: JT-wannabe sang "Don't Speak". I just don't know about him. I don't like when my Idols get "too musical" and try to remix or rework the songs too much. I appreciate the DJ scratches, but now the appeal has nothing to do with his voice (which is basically JT on clearance)...now people are applauding him for "mixing it up". Is this making sense? I didn't hate the performance, but I'm not loving it.

But at the end of it all...who gives a shit? It's all about Melinda! Everyone vote for my lady! 1-866-IDOLS-07! Work!