My Krak is back

Well, unfortunately, this Krak is back and my mini-Euro getaway has come to an end.

Before we left Krakow, Ms. Sara and I hauled ass on Saturday morning and hired a driver to take us out to the Salt Mines of Wieliczka, one of the area's biggest attractions. It was actually quite interesting but they should know that American weaves have the attention span of a fruit fly in heat and the 2 hours plus walking tour with other annoying tourists is the equivalent of masturbating with a cactus. Painful!

After a long journey, we made it back to London to begin the evening's festivities. A bunch of us took over the upstairs area at The Slug and Lettuce in Islington and turned that shit out. A dance party is always to follow, scaring many patrons nearby. After we were all sufficiently lubricated and ready to pop cherries, we wandered across the street to Pitcher and Piano for more debauchery. Apparently, we love chain bars. And apparently, they love us. The evening grew late which means only one thing. Dance party at the church! This is where I'd like to give a proper Big Ups to Mr. James for debuting his dance skills! Soul Train rolled in and he got on board. Toot Toot!

Sunday, we lazed about and ended up seeing Sherrybaby. A cute, romantic comedy to warm the human spirit? No. More like a depressing blow to the head, the metaphoric equivalent of sticking one's genitals under a steam roller. Actually quite a good film, but too heavy for this weave. We had a nice dinner in Chinatown, a few cocktails, and passed out promptly.

Monday, I met Ms. Samantha and Ms. Vanessa for a gorgeous Thai lunch. Someone please holla at some peanut sauce because that situation is tasty! I wandered through Oxford Circus and Carnaby Street to do some light shopping, then had to make the long journey back to NYC. I was luckily upgraded to Business Class which made life a bit easier.

The King and Queen of Krak

My European jaunt has begun and it's fabulous! I landed in London on Wednesday morning and had a tasty sushi lunch with Ms. Sara. That evening, a gaggle of us had dinner then drank the evening away in Islington. Vodka tonics? Check! Singing Mariah Carey's "Fantasy" in a bar? Check!

Yesterday, Ms. Sara and I flew over to Krakow and officially became The King and Queen of Krak. We love the prefix "Krak" more than painfree bikini waxes (There's no such thing). We explored the Market Square and had a very romantic buggy ride around town. That evening, we had dinner then danced the night away at some pop music club.

Things I've come to learn about Krakow from the club:
Straight Polish men love to dance to gay dance music.
A Reggaeton version of Ace to Base songs will really get a crowd going.
Smoking indoors is still awesome.
Grinding with short men is somehow acceptable.
Having a McDonald's across the street from a club is simply heaven at 2AM.

Today, Ms. Sara and I strolled through what must have been all of Krakow. I am now skinnier than Nicole Richie. Obviously. We're off to dinner and heavy cocktail consumption.

Holla at some foreskin

Yes, indeed. It's that time again where I will be jaunting to loves it London for some fish & chips and foreskin, well, except for the foreskin part. Cut that stuff off! Time to lose the party dress!

If you're in London, please holla at this socialite. Those cocktails aren't going to drink themselves. Maybe La Lohan can come along...Oh wait, she keeps getting arrested for DUI's. I mean, seriously, Freckles, what's happening here? Snort all the blow and whippets your situation can handle, but don't drive yourself! Isn't Kim Stewart available? Sheesh.

Totally Dude

Well, first and foremost, a big birthday shout out goes to Ms. Berna! Work it, lady!

What a weekend! I zipped up to Boston on Friday for Ms. Liza and Mr. Dylan's big wedding on Saturday. We had a gorgeous reunion of many peeps that evening. And big ups to Ms. Berna for being such a lovely hostess! Holla!

Saturday, we drove down to Sudbury, MA for the wedding. It was a lovely chapel on a hill, very New England and picturesque. The reception was on the grounds nearby and we boozed and boogied the night away. Congratulations to the newleyweds! Champagne wishes and caviar dreams! Feel free to name your first child after me.

I had a easy Acela ride back to NYC today and now I'm relaxing my weave before my European jaunts this week.

Major

What a delightful evening last night! I met up with Ms. Charlotte and Ms. Kelly at Gusto in the West Village for some delightful fare. The service was less than acceptable, but the food was delectable! It was a trendy, sceney, upper 30-something crowd. Excellent spot for some good ol' fashioned golddigging, and damn is my ass tired!

After our marathon dinner, we zipped down to 60 Thompson an maneuvered ourselves up to the gorgeous rooftop. Delightful cocktails and outdoor drinking. Loves. Mr. Jeremiah came to join us in the merriment and after a few rounds, this weave needed some rest so I bounced home.

Victoria Beckham

Well, last night was the premiere of Victoria Beckham's Coming to America one hour extravaganza. Let's discuss for a moment. First of all, the show was a total mishmash of episodic footage that was condensed into a one-off. It was so disjointed and strange, and my weave and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. Secondly, so much was set up and pre-fabricated. I hate that! Why can't the producers just let the cameras roll?

Now let's chat about Vicky. What a total cunt! And by cunt, I mean MAJOR! She's actually quite fabulous and catty, but she's basically a bitchy gay guy in a tanorexic female-ish body. How does she keep David, I wonder? Backdoor entry? Check! Walking glory hole? Check!

I'm interested to see how her popularity takes off in America. I don't know if David playing soccer will really make sort of major impact and I don't know if her daily trips to Kitson will either.

I loved how she kept reiterating, "Everything I do is for David and my children". Uhhh yeah right. I'm sure she has NO nannies and assistants to do everything for her. Uh huh! Between tanning, shopping, and getting regular colonics, I doubt she has time for the kiddies.

I do admire her though. She's basically a glorified golddigger yet everyone loves her. Loves THAT!

Surf dudes with attitudes

My jaunt to San Diego is almost over and I will be back in NYC tonight. My weave is tired and my skin is tan. It's been a tiring few days but we had a gorgeous dinner at Rice at the W last night. I had several glasses of Chablis, 2 way tuna, and a tasty California Halibut. Loves. The drunken debauchery continued until our exhausting day caught up with us and we turned our weaves in.

Let's relive the good ol' days...
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bk9VmUUKRtU

Happy Bastille Day!

Yes, indeed people, it's my favorite holiday! Let's celebrate our French independence by smoking Gauloises, drinking Kir Royales, and chewing on some foreskin. Oh la la!

San Diego

Well, my weave is now in San Diego and it's gorgeous! The sun is still shining, there's no humidity, and overall, it's very fabulous. I'll be in town until Sunday so for all you Southern California socialites, hit my shizzy up. Let's grab some bottles of Prosecco, find a private yacht, some 50 year old impotent richies, and work it!

Live Earth

Yesterday was quite a whirlwind day! I worked part of the day at Live Earth at Giants Stadium and it was celebrity HEAVEN backstage. Since we wrapped early, Ms. Karen and I plopped down in the talent lounge and began our star gazing. This even should have been renamed US Weekly Live. Who has time to think about recycling when you're watching Cameron Diaz flop around?

So here's the scoop on my sightings:

Leonardo DiCaprio: He was in tow with best butt boy Lucas Haas. Why are these two even friends? He has a giant face and head but is relatively tall and sported his usual baseball cap. I prefer him as Luke Bower in Growing Pains.

Petra Nemcova: She is stunning and GORGEOUS in person (Well, d'uh, I suppose...she is a model..). She has legs for days and seemed wonderfully sweet to everyone.

Kevin Bacon: He was like the rash that wouldn't go away! He hung out all day. He also has that creepy short on the side buzzed hair cut that he donned in The Woodsman. Very "How to Catch a Predator" chic.

Cameron Diaz: Gorgeous as usual. She was also sportin the short shorts and looked lovely. I was on the lookout for Cris Angel but he wasn't to be found.

Al Gore: Now I know politicians aren't "celebrities", but he was sure workin his shit like he was a rock star. However, I must say, homeboy needs to find himself a new stylist. He had some Tommy Bahama-type black short sleeved shirt on and some ill fitting Silver Tab style jeans. This isn't a luau, Al. Spit that apple out! In all seriousness, I very much admire what he's doing. I just think he needs a new stylist...and hairdresser...and nutritionist...and trainer...and plastic surgeon...and...

Chad Lowe: The extra formerly known as Mr. Hilary Swank was floating around in all his glory. What was he doing there? He has that innocent look but you know there are a few gerbils shoved up his ass. Squeaky!

Rosario Dawson: We love her! She is also stunningly beautiful in person. Too bad she only makes terrible movies. I watched her go out to "the people" (aka audience) to watch Bon Jovi. She was boozing it up, enough to make this Socialite proud.

Alec Baldwin: I can't even talk about this.

Zach Braff: Well, he's sure full of Jersey pride, isn't he? Not much to say on this one either.

Carson Daly: Manorexic chic. Eat (out) an Olsen!

Anne Curry: She was so chic! It was a bit like a grandmother wearing couture, but she was actually quite lovely. Work it, Curry!

Randy Jackson: Uhhh I think the staples fell out.

Friday never tasted so delicious

What a week! Working is really wearing down my weave and I look a hot mess, but bless the weekend...oh wait, I have to work all weekend. I'm going to look like La Lohan after a late night bender by Monday morning.

Last night, we had a gorgeous dinner at Otto to celebrate Ms. Nicola's gracious 29th year of existence. Holla at our bottles of Rose at dinner. Crisp and fabulous. Then Ms. Nicola and I zipped to Soho House for more adult beverages before we were caught in the rain at midnight. Considering my appearance of a wet Chinatown rat (very Lucy Liu chic), I thought it was time to click my heels and go home.

Working is for the birds

And yet another birthday today...Happy Birthday Ms. Nicola! Champagne wishes and over sized dildo dreams!

Yesterday was a patriotic situation as we all clamoured to celebrate this country's...independence? Who the hell really knows. It's just a reason to indulge and get hammered. We zipped down to Mr. Isaac's on Wall Street as he hosted a grand ol' soiree in his apartment and roof deck. I had a nice assortment of adult beverages varying from Woodchuck cider to wine to beer. My body was very confused by the lack of vodka consumption but it's all about rehabilitation, people. If Lindsay and Paris can do it, so can I. I have to be strong like those girls. They are my heroes, except when they're snorting blow off some random LA frat boy's penis. Then they become national treasures, icons even.

Unfortunately, unlike the ladies, I am at work today. Feel free to send me flowers and vibrators to get me through the day. Dental dams are fun to chew as well. Less calories than gum!

Happy 4th

Work that weave, Lady Liberty! Take that torch and ram it in your vajayjay!

Indeed, it's the 4th of July, an American tradition where fat Americans drink beer, eat hot dogs, and get even fatter. How grand. It's a stunner that I haven't fled the country for this day but my weave has been a busy one.

The weather is a bit dismal out and there's a chance of rain this evening so the fireworks may be a bust. I might need to cozy up with a Kathy Griffin D List situation for the day, put on a seaweed mask, and maybe to be patriotic, shove a (veggie) hot dog up my a-hole.

Birthday week continues

Happy Birthday to Ms. Marlene!

It's another gorgeous day here in NYC. The weather has been very Bay Area chic lately and I'm loving it. Get me a dildo, a lawn chair, a margarita, and leave me alone!

Did anyone happen to catch the Concert for Diana on VH1/NBC on Sunday? It was actually quite odd but the dichotomy of artists was a bit alarming. Going from Lily Allen to Tom Jones to Take That...schizophrenia called and I said "Huh?". My favorite moment was seeing Prince William get down to Nelly Furtado as she belted "Maneater" while Prince Harry got his hysterics on. Loves.

Happy Birthday La Lohan!

Happy birthday to the one and only Ms. Lindsay Lohan! You're 21, girlfriend! You can now legally drink. Oh wait, your malnourished ass already hit rehab. Well, get a hooker and stick it in...21 times!

I had a lovely evening last night with Ms. Kelly and Ms. Simone at Morandi, drinking my sorrows aways with glass after glass of Rose. Fill it up, garcon! And fill me up...oh wait... Then Ms. Kelly and I decided to have one more irresponsible adult beverage at 60 Thomspon before having a slumber party.