Midweek Weave

This week has had the pace of an impotent Special Olympian...in bed. Not hard, but slow. I've been workin my weave and am eagerly anticipating a relaxing weekend where I won't look so damn crazy.

A gaggle of us had a margarita situation last night along with some super filling Mexican food. One important thing I learned? Ms. Erika enjoys getting my finger in the shot as she attempts to TMZ me. Oh no! You're getting fingered well, girlfriend! Say cheese!

I have some serious packing to do tonight as I will be jetting to the Bay Area tomorrow for some mild California weather. Foggy and cloudy during the day and cold at night? Get me my speedo and matching weave! Loves it.

The Hills Recap

What an episode! Not much happened, but there's a lot of smack talk to work.

Let's begin with the Heidi plot line. Who knew she was such a damn hick? Crested Butte? Do you mean Crusted Butt? Taking one look at her mother, girlfriend better stock up on the Botox and moisturizer now or else she's going to end up looking like an Indigo Girl who pan fried her face in a vat of ugly! Seriously, her parents are a walking ad for chemical peels. Good grief! I do want to give an extra special "woot woot" to Heidi's mom for laying the smack down on Spencer. Can you believe he acted like such a raging douche at the lunch? He is so grotesque and lame. I see this relationship having the success of Heidi's herpes treatment! Still ugly and not working!

Let's take a brief pause to talk about my soul mate, Lo. She is heaven, but that hat she wore at lunch was not. She often times makes some serial fashion faux pas' and this was no exception. I did have a revelation though that if we got married, she would have the most amazing name. For those of you who know me, think about it...

Onto the walking dartboard, Audrina. Get your shit together! Have you ever noticed her wonky eyes? Her pupils are off center and too high. It always looks like she's looking up. That must make for an interesting blow job face. I can't believe she is still with that tool Justin Bobby. He is seriously a raging moron. I loved his beach outfit of combat boots paired with 70's porn star shorts. What the fuck?! And when they were frolicking in the water, he was whipping his weave around like he was in a shampoo commercial. Gross!

At the end of the episode, leaving the helmet behind was classic. Audrina didn't know how to react (which is nothing new) and she looked flustered and sad. That was heaven! Thank goodness she's working it out and realizing it's time to move on to the next LA douche bag who will treat her like a used dental dam.

We need to end by talking about Brody's finger. Um, he broke it on the beach? Was he finger banging his own ass too hard? This is so ridiculous. Also, how exactly did he go to the hospital, get a full arm cast, AND x-rays all within the span of the same afternoon? I loved it when Lo and Lauren started to hysterically laugh upon his return. Gorgeous.

Teen Choice Awards 2007

Ah yes, the show that the VMA's always strives to beat, but never can! It's that time again, boys and girls! Yay! The Teen Choice Awards! Awesome! Radical! Cool! It's time for slut bag teen royalty to put on their best fake coked out faces to out-sweet each other to trick youngsters into buying their albums and watching their totally rad movies! I haven't seen this many fake t'weens since seeing MYSELF in high school! Bodacious!

So since this show is so fake, let's break and down and shit talk.

Hilary Duff: She is the queen of fake! Everyone thing about Ms. Ed reeks of fakeness. She looks like she just shot 8 rounds of heroine before coming on stage. Eat a burger or a penis! Protein is key, honey. She really knows how to work these t'weens though. They are eating her shit up with big smiles on their faces. Now that's what I call talent!

Nick Cannon: I love Nicholas and have nothing bad to say about him. He knows how to work the kiddies too and is rolling in $$$ because of it. Work it, mama!

Megan Fox: Who is this dumb whore? I don't really get it here, but she has more or less nothing to say and just oozes cheap sex - sex appeal. If ever someone could be called a walking "power plug", this bitch has got gang bang all over her face (puns galore!).

The Rock: Who let the homo out? Doesn't he just look like a big mo that they would cage up at a state fair in the 1920's so suburbanites could come see a real live one? He should sponsor KY Kelly. Slippery!

Shia LeBoeuf: Is his last name REALLY LaBoeuf? Are you sure it isn't LaDildo?

Avril Lavigne: Why won't this Canadian ho stop smiling? Who knew she was a professional skier (well, everyone...)? I haven't seen someone that coked up since...being at work last Friday. Hey Hey You You I could be your coke dealer!

The Cast of High School Musical: What a bunch of damn losers! I know...a bunch of RICH losers! I don't understand this phenomenon...maybe my weave is too damn old but what's the appeal of a whole bunch of gays and girls singing some bullshit songs? Just watch "Hairspray"!

Ryan Seacrest: She just won some "Choice Hissy Fit" award? Um, shouldn't this award just be given to all gay guys? Miz Ryan looks fierce in that Cover Girl makeup!

Jessica Alba and Zac Efron: These 2 underachievers won "Choice Hottie". Ok, Jessica I get. There are loads of sticky socks all around the world dedicated to her. But Miz Zac? Someone explain this to me. Home girl wears more makeup than Jesse McCartney! And he loves cock! What?! Is this the GLAAD Awards?

Kelly Clarkson: Did someone eat the fridge last night? Time to purge, sweetie! Wow, she really has blimped her shit up. I guess she's always had those cow-like tendencies but it's time to graze greener pastures, honey! Salad bar - good! Carbs - bad!

Justin Timberlake: Ai Papi! He couldn't even make the ceremony? That's so lame! In these scripted awards shows, I'm surprised they didn't give "Ultimate Choice" to someone present! I guess Justin Long doesn't cut it. Oh boo.

Dane Cook: He won "Choice Comedian"? This overgrown frat funk is the un-funniest lady in America! And those pot marks! But home slice has hit the gym! He looks like a Chippendale reject now! What's happening with that t-shirt?! Is someone buying their couture at Filene's Basement? Oh dear... West Hollywood called and Dane's butt plug answered!

Jordin Sparks: This cow chopped her weave...and she looks horrible! My, she's a whale of a woman, isn't she? I wonder when she shits, does beluga caviar come out? Tasty Sparks!

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Partridge: They just won for "Choice V Cast Video". What the fuck is that?! Lauren looks delicious and beautiful and Audrina looks cheaps and easy! Sounds about right. Work those roast beef curtains, ladies!

Omarion: Time to cut that weave, sweetie! I barely know who you are but I do know that that weave looks crazy! Snippy snippy!!

Fergie: Big Girls Don't Shoot Meth! Oh, that's not the name of the single? She actually looks fabulous (for her)! Her performance...well, a little shoddy but her acceptance speech...False modesty at it's best! You work those fake tears, girlfriend! Loves.

Chingy and Ludacris: What are these two ladies doing here?

Sophia Bush: Doesn't she just reek of uber-cuntiness? You know this lady is a total biz-snatch! She did look quite pretty working the false modesty though! Her Forever 21 dress was a bit wack. I can see your uterus, honey! A little looser! Me likey!

Miley Cyrus: Who is this fugly ho? The t'weens are going nuts! Training bras and unused tampons are being thrown everywhere! Like totally radical! She looks like a young Patricia Heaton and honey, that's not a compliment!

John Travolta: What's Ms. Johnny doing at this show? Hide your children! Doesn't his weave and makeup look pretty? This makes me very nervous. What if he looks at Zac Efron and just starts beating off right there? Get your umbrellas-ella-ella-ella!

The Hills Recap

Profuse apologies for not blogging about our favorite fake reality show earlier. This weave has been a busy one this week!

Really, I think this show needs to be renamed "Spencer's Eve". I mean, seriously, how douchey can one individual be? It's actually alarming that Justin Bobby even out-douches Spencer. How does "Justin Bobby's Eve" sound? Too many syllables. I know Audrina is a raging cripple (Doesn't she sometimes look like she's taken a few bat swings to the face?"), but how does she manage to date/kiss him? I'd sooner deep throat a cactus while ramming myself with a power drill than conceive of such horrendous activity.

The dinner/drinks situation with Lauren, Justin Bobby, and Audrina was priceless! How incredibly awkward and atrocious. I think we've all been there, third wheeling on someone else's bad date. Ugh. Also, when Justin had that ridiculous hoodie on INDOORS, I wanted to throw darts at his testicles. How annoying. Attention men of Los Angeles...sunglasses and hoodies belong OUTDOORS. Do not be a fucking moronic tool. Take the glasses and hoodie off. No one thinks it's acceptable. People are only laughing at you. Gross! And at the end of the episode, did they break up or not? Between the jibber jabber of those 2 retards, it's hard to tell. "Truth and time"? What is that even supposed to mean?

Let's also give big props to Ms. Heidi for workin that wall! Yes, the whole thing is as staged as Kim Kardashian's sex tape, but it's still heaven to watch. Spencer's dopey look was priceless when he walked in on Heidi painting over that tacky mess. Work it, sister!

Scenes for Next Week look amazing. Who knew Heidi was such a hillbilly? And it looks like Audrina finally gets ass banged by Justin Bobby one last time before she dumps him. Baited breath, my brothers and sisters.

My weave has flown back East.

Indeed, I am back in NYC and my weave is not very happy about all this humidity that is quiefing all over the city. Gosh Mother Nature...can't you control it?!?!

I had a nice few days in Seattle, toured the shopping sites, had a gorgeous dinner at Purple (any restaurant that has a wine recommendation to accompany every dish on the menu, including dessert, is fine by me!), and saw Ms. AJ and Mr. Chris for a cocktail at W.

I am settling in for the weekend and making sweet love to my Air Conditioner until this heat lets up. Maybe we will make babies that will look like Eskimos.

Shortbus to Seattle

Well, here I am in lovely and overcast Seattle. My kind of weather! My weave is high-fiving my natural hair in joy!

Getting here was a bit of a hassle as my flight was full of...well, how do I put this in a politically correct tone? Um...retards? There were limbs missing, seeing eye dogs abound, screaming babies, tech nerds...I was basically on the short bus flight. Fabulous. Thankfully, I could block that out from my First Class seat as I got hammered on what must have been Costco bought Sauvignon Blanc.

My flight was also delayed and as I was waiting at the gate to board, the previous flight was debarking and some moron, who was talking into his cell phone far too loudly, walked past me and stared me in the face as he proclaimed, "Oh! I must be in the international terminal!". Asshole.

When I finally got to Seattle, my cab driver decide to lay one huge SBD (that's right, I'm busting out the grade school terminology) fart that almost exfoliated my skin. What a damn day.

But now it's a new day and I am ready to face the world with a...new face?

You can call me XBOX if I can call you Bank of America

What a nice weekend it has been indeed. I met up with Ms. Jenn and Ms. Leah Saturday night for some elegant Greek fare at Barbournia and we had a gorgeous dinner. Holla at the sensuous grape leaves and really, there's nothing like a filet of Dourade to work my shit. We sauntered to Japonais for another adult beverage before we parted ways. Today, the weather was amazing and gorgeous, and by that, I mean overcast with a chance of rain. Low 70's, just the way I like it. We had a quick stroll through Soho to say hello to the people but eventually, the moisture in the air fucked up my weave. We did spot one Mr. Jeremy Sisto strolling with a pal. It looks everything within our power to not yell at, "God, Elton. Can't you suck?!?!".

I'll be in Seattle tomorrow so watch out you Microsoft workers! This socialite needs some sugar, STAT!

Lovely Fridays

Well, someone give me a holla because it's Friday and my weave is delighted! The weather is supposed to be very San Francisco chic this weekend which means I might need to venture out into that situation and be with the people.

I had a lovely evening last night. We attended Vinnie's goodbye party at Snitch and with that open bar's legs spread, I drank up. Tasty! Then, Ms. Lisa, Ms. Annie, and I popped down to Patsy's to work our weaves over some tasty Italian.

I'm leaving the office and hitting the streets!

Gayken Strikes

I. Can't. Believe. This. Is. Possible.

http://www.tmz.com/tmz_main_video?titleid=1137849473

It's too good.

Lubricant Necessary

Is anyone watching "So You Think You Can Dance" right now? This is potentially the gayest thing I've ever seen, aside from the mo'ness of last season's Tran-ji, and we all know...I've seen some gay things. The four of remaining contestants just did some anal sex nostalgia routine to a Liza Minnelli number. I'm not kidding. Why don't they swap dildos and see who can eat a foot long Subway sandwich in one swallow. Gulp...Why is this show not on LOGO? Danny and Neil both look like they just ass smooched in the green room, slapped on some tights, wiped their chins, and thought..."I CAN dance!".

Neil and Sabra just did a "hip hop" number and the judges criticized them on the lack of sexual chemistry. Um, no shit! That's because Sabra's missing 6-8 inches of something. Get it together!

It's interesting that network shows like this always cast likable, not obviously gay gay guys to ensure ALL of America will like them. You wouldn't want people in the Midwest to think these boys are gay! I mean, really...dancing is traditionally very masculine and well approved by fathers everywhere. "When I grow up, I want to be a firefighter, policeman, basketball player, rapper, ass licking lubed up ballerina"...all one in the same! It would be so much more fabulous if they would just cast a bunch of queens on this. In due time...

Also, what exactly happened to Wade Robson? He's now like a hippie choreographer who once boned Britney Spears (which is potentially the gayest thing a man can do)? Nice kaftan, sister!

This show should be sponsored by KY Jelly and Slip 'N Slide!

I predict Neil or Danny will win...

Tuesday Sloshed

Last night, I had a tasty dinner at Los Dos Molinos with the peeps and we got promptly hammered on pitchers of margaritas. Delicious. After, we sauntered down to Irving Plaza and worked our weaves at the Rooney show. Sadly, we have now become the "embarassing old people" at the show as the median age was probably 15. We stopped by backstage to say hello to the boys, then made our way through a few more bars before my weave expired at 2AM and I was face down in my pillows per usual.

I went to Pottery Barn but they don't sell roast beef curtains.

Did everyone watch the double header of The Hills tonight? It was simply HEAVEN. I don't even know where to begin so let's just do a character by character analysis, shall we?

Lauren: I've never seen such angry roast beef curtains! Arby's is for sure serving it up and that situation would be caliente! You go girl for yelling at that Valtrex spokestwat, Heidi! You know she told everyone about your sex tape and you have every right to be pissed. I do want to point out, though, that there are OTHER clubs in LA besides Les Deux. I know it's your Peach Pit or The Max, but try Teddy's or some other hot spot that you might see one Ms. Britney Spears masturbating in the corner with a ham sandwich.

Heidi: Um, I'm not sure where to begin. Let's start with your head. The peroxide is just too much. Your gay hairdresser must be Helen Keller's long lost cousin because you is lookin wack. Less bleach, please. Also, how could you say yes to that douchebag, Spencer??? If you thought your vagina was itchy now, wait until you're married and he comes home with a whole seafood assortment of STD's to fuck your shit up with. Loves it.

Audrina: You're the kind of girl who could be getting anally banged and the only thing you'd think is, "Did I remember to remove that tampon last month"? Home girl! Get it together. I understand that there are some people on this Earth that are just plain stupid, but even those people are making fun of you.

Whitney: You're like Crisco; pretty oily and totally unnecessary. Why are you even still around? I actually do like you, but you, my dear, are a pet rock; Nice to look at but nothing to contribute.

Spencer: Were you born in a bidet because every time I see you, I want to douche! My ass is dirty. Call Spencer! My vagina stinks. Call Spencer! I'm just over it. You're the epitome of the LA douchebag and it's disgusting. PS: That ring looked like it came from a quarter dispenser at Safeway.

Lo: You are such a sarcastic, bitchy cunt...so much so that your cunt has a cunt...and I love it! You know when sometimes you see someone and you know fate has brought you together? That's you and me, sugar! Call me. Let's do US Weekly. Maybe we'll start a talk show called Ho&Lo and replace that talentless maxi pad, Chelsea Handler.

Brody: See above for Whitney.

Kathy Conrad: What's up MILF?!?! I think you're confused and on the wrong channel. The Real Housewives of Orange Country is on Bravo...not MTV! Get your demographic straight.

Justin Bobby: Life is not a Pantene Pro-V commercial...cut that nasty hair. Boy, you are SO affected. Lose the beanie and get over yourself. Summer's Eve called and they want their stink back.

Dear The Hills

Is anyone else watching the Dear The Hills marathon today? Some moronic producer had the not so brilliant idea to scroll viewer questions on the bottom of the screen to various cast members for their advice on boys (like totally!), relationships (like I love love!), friendships (BF's 4EVA), etc. What?!?! Why would ANYONE need advice from the likes of Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, or Whitney? They are the epitome of What Not To Be in these realms. Maybe if there were questions on STD's, how to betray your friends, how to cheat, and how many times to throw up your dinner before it's, like, fully out, then yes, they would be experts.

Here are some sample letters that SHOULD have made it to the marathon.

Dear Heidi,
So, my boyfriend totally gave me anal herpes and that's, like, so lame. They're itchy and I can't even wear a thong anymore without the whole world knowing. This is SO annoying! What should I do?

Loves,
Itchy in Pensacola

OR

Dear Lauren,
You're so pretty but I think you're kind of fat. Don't you think you should lose some weight so boys will like you more? Maybe that's why Heidi chose Spencer and not you, because he's skinny. Lauren, why are you so fat?

Yours truly,
Nicole Richie

OR

Dear Heidi,
I admire your new boobs and totally bleached out hair. It's so cute! Can you recommend a plastic surgeon in LA that won't give me fucked up boobs on a wonky stomach like Tara Reid?

Love,
Bigger is Better in Hollywood

OR

Dear Audrina,
What is wrong with your face? Why are you, like, so damn ugly? Maybe you should consult Heidi's surgeon and get a face transplant. There's probably some cute dead hookers in a dumpster at Teddy's.

Love,
A New Face in Fort Wayne, ID

OR

Dear Whitney,
Don't you hate LC? I mean, she's prettier than you and at least she can walk without falling. You're not Beyonce, sugar. Also, are you jealous of your sister because she's everything you'll never be? Interns forever!

Take care,
You'll Never Be As Good in Boulder, CO

Real World: Sydney

Is anyone else watching the premiere of the Real World tonight? What a bunch of fucking losers! As typical with MTV casting, they've casted seven slutty borderline Special Olympians to live in a ridiculous house to have their sex lives taped. I wonder if they just have Valtrex in the candy bowl in the living room. The classic line of the night thus far? "Well, Isaac seemed cool when I first met him until he said he might puke on me."

Do they have Arby's in Sydney? This show should be renamed "The House of Loose Roast Beef Curtains". Someone get a bib.

Wild Weather

What a fucking mess! Apparently the big storm last night wiped out most of the subway lines. This morning's commute was a nightmare as I had to wander the streets like a vagabond looking for a cab. When I finally got one, that shit was bumper to bumper the whole way. My weave is not a happy one.

I had a delicious dinner with Ms. Jenn and Ms. Leah last night at Gusto. We welcomed Ms. Jenn back from China with gluttonous carb heavy treats. That's hot.

Sushi and Pinkberry

Last night, I had a tasty dinner at Haru with Ms. Kelly and Ms. Kathleen. I fear I may start to glow in the dark with all this mercury consumption, but holla at some tuna rolls! It's too damn tasty. Against my better judgment, we decided to take a leisurely stroll in this massively oppressive humid ass heat from Times Square...to the Upper East Side. You can only imagine what my wack ass weave ended up looking like. Not cute. The prize at the end of the tunnel was 8 ounces of scrumptious Pinkberry. Only in NYC are there trends in Frozen Yogurt and massive lines out the door for it's followers. Strangely enough, it was mostly fat girls getting low calorie desserts. Well, at least big girls don't cry. But honey, they sure do sweat!

Today brings the arrival of one Ms. Jenn, fresh from her flight from Beijing! We're ready to carbo/vodka load this evening and I'll be coming to you straight from the toilet bowl tomorrow.

House of Da-Weave-Is-On

What a delicious spectacle! Tonight, Ms. Jennie and I decided to work our weaves and head to Madison Square Garden to see the one and only Ms. Beyonce. Mr. Robin Thicke opened and had that arena belting every last falsetto note by the end of his set. Alan would be so proud! We're lost without you, baby.

Then, the main event was upon us and Ms. Beyonce did not disappoint with her impeccable vocals and dancing skills. I was a bit nervous that she had too much weave in and that it may have weighed down her head, but Hell to the No, she worked that weave with all her glory! The show was dynamic and she rolled through her massive song catalog (included was basically every Destiny's Child's hit!). The girls behind us decided to shout out "Y'all better get it, girl" and "Get it, B" about 10 times per song. I wanted to turn around and say, "Um, I think she got it" even though I wasn't quite sure what "it" was.

If Ms. Beyonce comes to your town, I'm telling you...Go! And a special thanks to Ms. Jennie for hookin my weave up!

You can stand under my umbrella

What a gorgeous wedding last night! Congratulations to Ms. Kim and Mr. Nick! We arrived before the 8PM ceremony at the Yale Club in Manhattan. The setting was gorgeous! After a speedy ceremony, there was a lovely cocktail hour on the roof before a formal sitdown dinner in the Lounge. Loves it! Then the dance party broke out and we were belting out "Umbrella" before you could say "Ella Ella Eh Eh".

I've had quite a relaxing Sunday thus far and am pulling together my weave to see the Queen of Weaves, Ms. Beyonce, tonight at Madison Square Garden. Holla!

Wedding Bells

Holy shitballs. It's August! Oh the Summer if fleeting and I couldn't be any happier. It is so hot and humid in NYC and my weave looks crazy. Frizz-Ease? Yes, please! I'm indeed glad the week is over and I have a weekend of sitting next to the air conditioning and taking shots. Loves.

I had a gorgeous evening last night at the reception cocktail party at Metrazur for the wedding (which is tonight!) for Ms. Kim and Mr. Nick. What a lovely venue! It's on the mezzanine level of the Grand Central Terminal and overlooks all the Connecticut folks rushing to the Metro North. Loads of Lily Pulitzer flying about. After the soiree (which I was completely under dressed for...Oops), we zipped up to Mr. Xavi and Ms. Kathleen's apartment and guzzled some more wine before this weave decided it was time to go home and retire.

Tonight is the big wedding! Congratulations to the soon-to-be newlyweds!

Because you loved me...Uh huh Uh huh

Celine Dion is working with Timbaland on her album? Ex-squeeze me? What is going on in the world? If I hear that Pharell is doing the next Barbara Streisand record, I'm shoving a cactus in my ears.

Just Jack

Well, my jet lag is like an annoying cousin who can't stop talking about her herpes. It's omnipresent and a pain in the anus. However, I powered through and went to dinner at Kawa Sushi in the West Village with my peeps. What a delightful treat! Very tasty and I highly recommend it. Holla at some Rainbow Rolls! We then made our way to Hiro for a showcase for Just Jack (No, not Jack McFarland, you raging mo's... THIS Just Jack: http://www.justjackmusic.com/starzintheireyes/video/) . The show was lovely and we bopped and writhed on our banquet. Thanks to Ms. Erika for hooking this weave up! Then I immediately went home and was face down before I knew it.