Dear The Hills

Is anyone else watching the Dear The Hills marathon today? Some moronic producer had the not so brilliant idea to scroll viewer questions on the bottom of the screen to various cast members for their advice on boys (like totally!), relationships (like I love love!), friendships (BF's 4EVA), etc. What?!?! Why would ANYONE need advice from the likes of Lauren, Heidi, Audrina, or Whitney? They are the epitome of What Not To Be in these realms. Maybe if there were questions on STD's, how to betray your friends, how to cheat, and how many times to throw up your dinner before it's, like, fully out, then yes, they would be experts.

Here are some sample letters that SHOULD have made it to the marathon.

Dear Heidi,
So, my boyfriend totally gave me anal herpes and that's, like, so lame. They're itchy and I can't even wear a thong anymore without the whole world knowing. This is SO annoying! What should I do?

Loves,
Itchy in Pensacola

OR

Dear Lauren,
You're so pretty but I think you're kind of fat. Don't you think you should lose some weight so boys will like you more? Maybe that's why Heidi chose Spencer and not you, because he's skinny. Lauren, why are you so fat?

Yours truly,
Nicole Richie

OR

Dear Heidi,
I admire your new boobs and totally bleached out hair. It's so cute! Can you recommend a plastic surgeon in LA that won't give me fucked up boobs on a wonky stomach like Tara Reid?

Love,
Bigger is Better in Hollywood

OR

Dear Audrina,
What is wrong with your face? Why are you, like, so damn ugly? Maybe you should consult Heidi's surgeon and get a face transplant. There's probably some cute dead hookers in a dumpster at Teddy's.

Love,
A New Face in Fort Wayne, ID

OR

Dear Whitney,
Don't you hate LC? I mean, she's prettier than you and at least she can walk without falling. You're not Beyonce, sugar. Also, are you jealous of your sister because she's everything you'll never be? Interns forever!

Take care,
You'll Never Be As Good in Boulder, CO