Teen Choice Awards 2007

Ah yes, the show that the VMA's always strives to beat, but never can! It's that time again, boys and girls! Yay! The Teen Choice Awards! Awesome! Radical! Cool! It's time for slut bag teen royalty to put on their best fake coked out faces to out-sweet each other to trick youngsters into buying their albums and watching their totally rad movies! I haven't seen this many fake t'weens since seeing MYSELF in high school! Bodacious!

So since this show is so fake, let's break and down and shit talk.

Hilary Duff: She is the queen of fake! Everyone thing about Ms. Ed reeks of fakeness. She looks like she just shot 8 rounds of heroine before coming on stage. Eat a burger or a penis! Protein is key, honey. She really knows how to work these t'weens though. They are eating her shit up with big smiles on their faces. Now that's what I call talent!

Nick Cannon: I love Nicholas and have nothing bad to say about him. He knows how to work the kiddies too and is rolling in $$$ because of it. Work it, mama!

Megan Fox: Who is this dumb whore? I don't really get it here, but she has more or less nothing to say and just oozes cheap sex - sex appeal. If ever someone could be called a walking "power plug", this bitch has got gang bang all over her face (puns galore!).

The Rock: Who let the homo out? Doesn't he just look like a big mo that they would cage up at a state fair in the 1920's so suburbanites could come see a real live one? He should sponsor KY Kelly. Slippery!

Shia LeBoeuf: Is his last name REALLY LaBoeuf? Are you sure it isn't LaDildo?

Avril Lavigne: Why won't this Canadian ho stop smiling? Who knew she was a professional skier (well, everyone...)? I haven't seen someone that coked up since...being at work last Friday. Hey Hey You You I could be your coke dealer!

The Cast of High School Musical: What a bunch of damn losers! I know...a bunch of RICH losers! I don't understand this phenomenon...maybe my weave is too damn old but what's the appeal of a whole bunch of gays and girls singing some bullshit songs? Just watch "Hairspray"!

Ryan Seacrest: She just won some "Choice Hissy Fit" award? Um, shouldn't this award just be given to all gay guys? Miz Ryan looks fierce in that Cover Girl makeup!

Jessica Alba and Zac Efron: These 2 underachievers won "Choice Hottie". Ok, Jessica I get. There are loads of sticky socks all around the world dedicated to her. But Miz Zac? Someone explain this to me. Home girl wears more makeup than Jesse McCartney! And he loves cock! What?! Is this the GLAAD Awards?

Kelly Clarkson: Did someone eat the fridge last night? Time to purge, sweetie! Wow, she really has blimped her shit up. I guess she's always had those cow-like tendencies but it's time to graze greener pastures, honey! Salad bar - good! Carbs - bad!

Justin Timberlake: Ai Papi! He couldn't even make the ceremony? That's so lame! In these scripted awards shows, I'm surprised they didn't give "Ultimate Choice" to someone present! I guess Justin Long doesn't cut it. Oh boo.

Dane Cook: He won "Choice Comedian"? This overgrown frat funk is the un-funniest lady in America! And those pot marks! But home slice has hit the gym! He looks like a Chippendale reject now! What's happening with that t-shirt?! Is someone buying their couture at Filene's Basement? Oh dear... West Hollywood called and Dane's butt plug answered!

Jordin Sparks: This cow chopped her weave...and she looks horrible! My, she's a whale of a woman, isn't she? I wonder when she shits, does beluga caviar come out? Tasty Sparks!

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Partridge: They just won for "Choice V Cast Video". What the fuck is that?! Lauren looks delicious and beautiful and Audrina looks cheaps and easy! Sounds about right. Work those roast beef curtains, ladies!

Omarion: Time to cut that weave, sweetie! I barely know who you are but I do know that that weave looks crazy! Snippy snippy!!

Fergie: Big Girls Don't Shoot Meth! Oh, that's not the name of the single? She actually looks fabulous (for her)! Her performance...well, a little shoddy but her acceptance speech...False modesty at it's best! You work those fake tears, girlfriend! Loves.

Chingy and Ludacris: What are these two ladies doing here?

Sophia Bush: Doesn't she just reek of uber-cuntiness? You know this lady is a total biz-snatch! She did look quite pretty working the false modesty though! Her Forever 21 dress was a bit wack. I can see your uterus, honey! A little looser! Me likey!

Miley Cyrus: Who is this fugly ho? The t'weens are going nuts! Training bras and unused tampons are being thrown everywhere! Like totally radical! She looks like a young Patricia Heaton and honey, that's not a compliment!

John Travolta: What's Ms. Johnny doing at this show? Hide your children! Doesn't his weave and makeup look pretty? This makes me very nervous. What if he looks at Zac Efron and just starts beating off right there? Get your umbrellas-ella-ella-ella!