I went to Pottery Barn but they don't sell roast beef curtains.

Did everyone watch the double header of The Hills tonight? It was simply HEAVEN. I don't even know where to begin so let's just do a character by character analysis, shall we?

Lauren: I've never seen such angry roast beef curtains! Arby's is for sure serving it up and that situation would be caliente! You go girl for yelling at that Valtrex spokestwat, Heidi! You know she told everyone about your sex tape and you have every right to be pissed. I do want to point out, though, that there are OTHER clubs in LA besides Les Deux. I know it's your Peach Pit or The Max, but try Teddy's or some other hot spot that you might see one Ms. Britney Spears masturbating in the corner with a ham sandwich.

Heidi: Um, I'm not sure where to begin. Let's start with your head. The peroxide is just too much. Your gay hairdresser must be Helen Keller's long lost cousin because you is lookin wack. Less bleach, please. Also, how could you say yes to that douchebag, Spencer??? If you thought your vagina was itchy now, wait until you're married and he comes home with a whole seafood assortment of STD's to fuck your shit up with. Loves it.

Audrina: You're the kind of girl who could be getting anally banged and the only thing you'd think is, "Did I remember to remove that tampon last month"? Home girl! Get it together. I understand that there are some people on this Earth that are just plain stupid, but even those people are making fun of you.

Whitney: You're like Crisco; pretty oily and totally unnecessary. Why are you even still around? I actually do like you, but you, my dear, are a pet rock; Nice to look at but nothing to contribute.

Spencer: Were you born in a bidet because every time I see you, I want to douche! My ass is dirty. Call Spencer! My vagina stinks. Call Spencer! I'm just over it. You're the epitome of the LA douchebag and it's disgusting. PS: That ring looked like it came from a quarter dispenser at Safeway.

Lo: You are such a sarcastic, bitchy cunt...so much so that your cunt has a cunt...and I love it! You know when sometimes you see someone and you know fate has brought you together? That's you and me, sugar! Call me. Let's do US Weekly. Maybe we'll start a talk show called Ho&Lo and replace that talentless maxi pad, Chelsea Handler.

Brody: See above for Whitney.

Kathy Conrad: What's up MILF?!?! I think you're confused and on the wrong channel. The Real Housewives of Orange Country is on Bravo...not MTV! Get your demographic straight.

Justin Bobby: Life is not a Pantene Pro-V commercial...cut that nasty hair. Boy, you are SO affected. Lose the beanie and get over yourself. Summer's Eve called and they want their stink back.