Semi-Charmed Life

Well, we've made it to the hump, my peoples.  2 more days of sheer torture then we'll be able to relax our weaves and order martinis and microdermabrasion treatments like true socialites should!

Monday night, I met the peeps at Soho House for a fun cocktail hour filled with some delicious white sangria.  When it's cold and rainy outside, it's sangria time inside!  The venue was packed with the usual delicious Eurotrash and you couldn't throw a stone without hitting some foreskin hidden in couture.  After our cocktail hour, we made our way to Buddakan for a gorgeous Asian feast.  Somebody please holler at those edamame dumplings because they were simply divine!  After a serious gorgefest, we made our way to the Bowery Ballroom to see our favorite Scottish electro dance sensation Calvin Harris.  Bowery was transformed into a gay German rave and we danced with the best of them.   Turns out at the end of the night, I wasn't holding glow sticks and looked like I left a foam party (Please interpret this with the filthiest of minds).  If you love to dance with heterosexual men, check Mr. Harris out: http://www.myspace.com/calvinharristv .  A big thank you to Ms. Grace for hookin our weaves up and hosting such a fabulous evening!!

Last night, I took out the ever glamorous Ms. Jacky for an evening of frolicking and nostalgia. We had an amazing dinner at Kittichai before we cabbed to my big surprise for the evening: Third Eye Blind at the Nokia Theatre!!  That's right, bitches!  It's 1997 and we're rockin our weaves like San Francisco trannies!  I don't even know how to properly describe the crowd. Imagine a bunch of washed up frat boys who decided to congregate at Roosevelt Field to discuss the importance of cement.  And they all brought their ho bag lacrosstitute wives with them!  Did Suffolk County Community College vomit all over Times Square?  Oh! That's actually an appropriate assessment.   I just can't even conceive how people still think it's acceptable to HIGH FIVE each other at a concert after every song.  I almost bent over and stuck my ass in the air and hoped for a spanking to get some enjoyment out of the fratalicious mess. But the songs were delightful and even though Stephen Jenkins looked like a hot old mess, we still had a lovely time.  The evening ended with a stop at Waverly Inn for some dessert and wine.  The paparazzi were in full force outside but we only spotted a large-and-in-charge Harvey Weinstein and some dumb whore he called a "date" and that we called a "golddigging glory hole in heels".

Rainy Mondays

Rain Rain Go Away!  My Weave is Lookin a Crazy Wack Mess Today!  Goooooo Rain!

Yes, that's right.  It's a cold tranny mess up in NYC today.  It's gloomy and wet - apparently Mother Nature forgot her Depends and we've got a leak situation going on.  She should switch to Bounty.  Or maybe I should tape some sanitary napkins' situation on my head.

My weekend was fairly Betty Ford chic.  Friday night, I met up with Ms. Kelly for a lovely dinner at the Soho House rooftop.  There was more foreskin than botox up in that bitch.  But indeed the food was delicious.  After a few rounds of beverages, my weave expired and I hustled my way home.  Saturday, I had the pleasure of doing some serious lounging.  Now a lot of people think that I have naturally flawless skin (...errrr ahem cough cough), but it's really because all of us need a break sometimes when we lounge about indoors and smother various skin caviars all over our faces (think Tara Reid in Duke's lacrosse team's locker room at the end of the night) and we come out the other side looking gorgeous and radiant.  

Has anyone seen "I Am Legend"?  Now, I know what you're thinking!  What?  Twat?  That's not a teen romantic comedy!!  Why is this drunken socialite bitch indulging in a blockbuster feature on a Saturday night?  Because my little Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is up in that shit and gave a brilliant performance.  Yes, it's a big blockbuster movie full of special effects and I am sure movie snobs everywhere are deepthroating chainsaws in protest, but fuck that shit.  I thoroughly enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone I remotely would glance at.  I just wished that Sam, the dog, would have been replaced with Carlton.  Now THAT would have won some serious Oscars.  Suck it, Helen Mirren!

On Sunday, I met Ms. Berna for a tasty brunch at Soho House before we lazed the afternoon away shopping and judging the peeps on the street.  As my girl Whoopi says in my favorite movie of all time, Jumpin Jack Flash, "There's some funky lookin people in New York!".  Later in the evening, I met Ms. Lisa for a gorgeous dinner at Da Silvano where we dumped some mighty tasty Italian fare down our throats.  

Springtime Glamour

Good morning trannies.  Somebody shout out a "Hallelujah" because it's finally Friday.  The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and my soul is black.  All is right with the world!

This week has jizzed by...errrrr, whizzed by and my weave is preparing for the weekend.  On Wednesday, the peeps and I had a few pre-dinner cocktails at Soho House.  Our waitress was a bubbly HTM that resembled Ms. Rosario Dawson.  Hey girlfriend!  We then zipped to Schiller's for a delicious dinner at the LES gastro pub.  Holler at the salmon because it was certainly divine.  After the dinz, we popped over to Mercury Lounge for the ever delightful performance by The Virgins.   If Jake Shears could blow Albert Hammond every day...and swallow, it would sound like The Virgins. Definitely check them out: www.myspace.com/thevirginsnyc .  Big ups to Mr. Jason for hookin our weaves up and hosting such a fab evening!

Last night, I had a tasty dinner at Lure Fishbar with Ms. Ethrina.  What a nautical treat!  The interior of the restaurant looks like some ridiculous yacht on the French Riviera and the clientele looks like the interior of a few crusty old douchebags.  Everyone looked related to George Hamilton and the old bats resembled tranny versions of Joan Rivers.  It was heaven! The food was delicious and we dumped more seafood down our throats than a frat boy on a Saturday night.  Damn that tuna was tasty.

If you're looking for me this weekend, I'll be poolside at Soho House under a big umbrella surrounded by empty glasses of Bloody Mary's and covered in cigarette butts.  Clearly, I am master cleansing.

American Idol

Ahh we're down to the top 6 this week and in tribute to butt plugs and KY Jelly, the contestants will be singing numbers written by Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. And PS: It's Earth Day so recycle your plastic dildos and aluminum nipple clamps! And PPS: Are you loving what a catty queen Ms. Andrew is in the profile packages? No one's good enough for him! Simply heaven!

Syesha Mercado: All I've got to say about Ms. Syesha's performance tonight is WOW WOW WOW! Excuse me, Miss Thang, but where has your personality been hiding? It feels to me like you've been napping in a cave for the entire season, but tonight, you came out to shine! Ms. Syesha sang "One Rock 'n' Roll Too Many" from Starlight Express and worked her shit out. Her personality was oozing everywhere and honey, I got slimed! I was certain she would go home this week, but now I may have to reconsider. Well done.

Jason Castro: Now you all know I love my little dreaded peanut, Ms. Castro, but his rendition of "Memories" from Cats was a hot tranny mess. It sounded like what the inside of a tranny's manmade vagina must look like. Sick! Let's hope our boo doesn't get the boot!

Brooke White: Thank goodness for Brooke White because this means Mr. Jason is safe! Her performance of "You Must Love Me" from Evita was a fucking disaster. She fucked up the beginning by forgetting the lyrics, her vocals were horrifying, and Robot Paula was digging inside her acid trip to find something to say. Have fun with your career in babysitting!

David Archuleta: Momo sang "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera and it was so hot! Did anyone else hear the gay gasp throughout Manhattan as mo's citywide clutched their heaving bosoms and cried a tear? I mean, the combination of a Broadway hit and Momo's emotional performance is almost to much to bear. I disagree with Simon and think his performance was stellar. You could definitely hear that rendition on Top 40 radio and it would be a smash hit. Well done, Momo! One note though...what exactly is going on with Momo's lips? Has he been hanging out with Jessica Simpson and getting them plumped up? Or did Papa Joe 2.0 just smack him in the mouth too hard?

Carly Smithson: Our favorite Irish tough bitch sang "Superstar" from Jesus Christ Superstar and she sounded great! Her voice was full, soulful, and gorgeous. I was quite impressed and although I don't think she'll win, I think she'll have a fantastic career ahead of her anyhow. Bravo!

David Cook: Butt plug sang "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera. At first, I was a bit unimpressed and bored, but he worked it out and by the end, I was compelled and loved it. Also, who enjoyed Ms. Weber's blatant flirting with David? It was so homo chic.

The Hills

Why oh why do I continue to torture myself with this stupid show?  Oh, I know!  For one simple reason...Ms. Lo Bosworth!  She is the sunshine in my dark cave, the filling in my Twinkie, the clitoris on my vagina.  Heaven!  Did you people watch last night?  Ms. Lo was EN FUEGO.  Here's the thing.  The reason I love her so much is she seems to be the only rationale person on the show.  She knows how ridiculous everyone is, how moronic Audrina and Justin Bobby are, and she isn't going to stand for it.  Every word she speaks has a resonance of anger and sarcasm and to me, that's a true bitch.  When Audrina agrees to move in, she says "I'm so excited...Yayyyyy" with the most monotone drone you've ever heard.  There were streams of diarrhea shooting out of my ass because I was laughing so hard.  My situation was lookin like a hot Willy Wonka mess. But forilla my peoples, nothing else really happened in the episode.  Speidi fought, Lauren got a "job" with Whitney, Justin Bobby returned (lookin like a tranny version of James Franco), and Heidi's slow attempt to get her "girlfriends" back.  Blah blah blah Fake Fake Fake I Love Lo.

A Weekend in Boston

Ahh the weekend is unfortunately over but I certainly had a lovely jaunt up to Boston.  I decided to rent a car and have a lovely Spring drive through New England on Saturday while smoking endless packs of cigs and blasting Leona Lewis.  Upon arrival, I checked into my lovely suite at Nine Zero, one of my favorite hotels in the Bean. Ms. Shannon came to meet me and we worked Newbury Street like a lacrosstitute on a frat boy.  At the end of our spree, I managed to purchase an endless supply of lube.  Hey!  Wait!  Get your minds out of the gutters, you filthy teabags! By lube, I mean facial moisturizers, luxurious shampoos, and body washes.  Sheesh!

That evening, Ms. Shannon and I rendezvoused with her boyfriend Mr. Matt for a tasty dinner in Somerville at Highland Kitchen.  Then we hightailed it out to Newton to visit with Ms. Liza who was in town for the holiday.  

Sunday, I met Ms. Jessica at Sonsie for a fabulous brunch.  Holla at some smoked salmon benedict!  Delish.  Then we did some more shopping before I hit the road to come back to New York.  I did make a quick detour to downtown Greenwich for some fabulousity, however, that shit was closed down by the time I got there.  I guess the Stepford Wives have Sunday bedtimes.

Just a lovely Monday

Well, it certainly was! Usually when Monday rolls around, you'd rather shove a beehive in your ass and pray for an explosion (that's what he said!), but not today! It was surely fabulous. Because if you're going to BE fabulous, you should be FABULOUS.

I met Ms. Erika, Ms. Annie, and Mr. Isaac at Craft for a sumptuous dinner. It certainly was delicious. Wine, passion fruit margaritas...oh! And there was food too! Yes, the ambiance is lovely if not a bit geriatric. Hey! Is that Ms. Blanche Devereux over in the corner?! Is that Paul Anka throwin down? Well, indeed the clientele is old school, but the food is heaven. A big shout out goes to Ms. Erika for hosting such a lovely dinner. HOLLER-ER-ER-ER!

After din din, Mr. Isaac and I rolled over to the Highline Ballroom to catch Jason Mraz's jammy jam where he showcased his new upcoming album. His voice is so crystal clear you could swallow it whole. I kept thinking, if this lad was on American Idol, Ms. Mo Mo Archuleta would sure be gettin a whoopin by Papa Joe 2.0 every night for not achieving Mr. Mraz's standards. The crowd was full of fatties from Connecticut and frat boys from some gutter, but we grooved right along. If your musical tastes lie between Jack Johnson and G. Love and you smoke 100 bowls a day, you'll surely love Mr. Mraz. Holler at Jason for hookin us up with passes.

And now I need to catch the one and only crazy ass Mimi from her appearance on Oprah today. I am sure the lambs are screaming...Clarice.

Michael Johns

WHAT?!?!  Exsqueeze me?  How is this even possible?  Oh wait, America voting for the wrong person?!?  That never happens!  Hmm.  

I think I will include an open letter to Monsieur Michael.

Dear Mr. Johns,

You have the voice of a delicious ice cream sandwich.  It's creamy, delicious, and makes me salivate, upstairs and downstairs.  I want to swallow it whole.  

Please forgive my fellow Americans who are apparently daft and deaf.  They have voted for Kristi Lee Cunt and there is no explanation why.  It's truly the eighth wonder of the world.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that one day, I find you singing in my shower.  And hey...the soap is on the floor.

With much love,

A Drunken Socialite

American Idol

What exactly is happening this week? I am shocked and dismayed to say that just about everyone sounds amazing! Let's break them down, shall we?

Michael Johns: My Thunder from Down Under did a heavenly rendition of Aerosmith's Dream On and it sure got me in a tizzy. He rocked quite a mo-friendly outfit, complete with a sassy handkerchief tied daintily around his pretty little neck. I am about to smear vegemite all over my body because girl, it's time to feed me to the Aussies!

Syesha Mercado: Ms. Syesha worked her shit out this week! I actually agreed with breast spilling Paula this week and she sounded amazing! I am sure she'll still fall into the bottom three, but her voice was quite lovely this week. Well done, honey!

Jason Castro: Um excuse me but do you have a Bounty towel because I just have creamed myself and it is a stinky mess!! Ms. Castro sounded like a gorgeous walk on the beach with his rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow working that ukulele like a horny lesbian and a strap on. Do me baby one more time! Surely one of the best performances of the evening. Goose bumps everywhere!

Kristy Lee Cook: This hot tranny mess sang Martina McBride's Anyway. I have come to realize that listening to her reinforces my belief in being Pro-Choice. Because honey, her mother should have fucked herself hard with a wire hanger 24 years ago when this evil spawn was conceived. I just cannot understand how this HTM is still on the show! Ugh...whomever is continuing to vote her deserves a cactus in the vajayjay.

David Cook: Butt Plug sang Our Lady Peace's Innocent. Hey girlfriend! Nice jacket! Was it on sale at the boutique by hot new designer Helen Keller? Fuckin hell, that was a huge mistake. And to top it off...he sounded like shit! I know he's supposed to be one of the front runners but seriously, how much faux rock can one take? And to top it off, to write "Give Back" on his hand? Bitch, you're not Chris Martin!

Carly Smithson: Inky sang The Show Must Go On by Queen. So now this tranny thinks she's Freddie Mercury? Well, I suppose that's fitting. She actually sounded quite good. I love her full rich voice. Has anyone noticed that she looks like a lezzy version of Vanessa Carlton? Wait, is that the pot calling the kettle muff eater?

David Archuleta: Teen Queen Mo Mo sang one of my favorite Robbie Williams' jams, Angels. It was just ok for me. Perhaps because I love that song so much and Miss Thang seemed to be going through the motions. Don't get me wrong...Little Miss Sunshine did quite well, but I think he could have given a bit more. And didn't he look a bit constipated? Or perhaps quite the opposite! Maybe Momo was clenching so tightly to avoid letting the floodgates unleash the damnation of his burrito lunch with just a bit too much sour cream. I don't know. There was just something odd about him tonight. He was a bit Small Wonder chic.

Brooke White: Miss "I'm so fucking nice" sang Carole King's You've Got a Friend. You know I want to hate on Brooke because she's just so damn sweet, but I think she worked her poop out this week. Her hair was well done, voice was fine, and overall, I was happy enough with her performance. I will say the cock ring earrings and Chico's dress for dumpy bitches were perhaps poor choices, but all around, fine fine fine.

The Hills

Who watched the debacle of The Hills last night?  It was over the top Sister Mary Fake Fake Fake!  Even hot tranny messes watching the show said, "Girrrrrllllll, THAT, honey, is a hot tranny mess".  When a hot tranny mess calls something a hot tranny mess, you've got a lot of anal leakage on your hands.

I don't even know where to begin.

Well, there's the tired story line of Team Heidi versus Team Lauren.  They have rehashed this bullshit so many times and it's getting increasingly aggravating to watch them talk about this. So Stephanie went to Lauren's birthday blah blah blah Heidi got mad blah blah blah Spencer got annoyed...who gives a flying fuck.  Let's talk about Heidi.  She is getting really Michael Jackson on us.  What horrific plastic surgeon did she go to?  She seriously looks like someone took a few swings of a bat to her face before taping.  And those lips!  Did she get them injected with tape worms?  It's not a good look.  There's one thing to have BJ lips...then there's another to look like you swallowed the whole damn dildo.

There's also this insane fake story line of Lauren and her jealousy of Whitney's new "fabulous" job as stylist dish rag.  Nothing like carrying wardrobe bags and inventorying clothing to show your worth.  After Lauren comes by for lunch and helps organize a few articles of clothing, she's offered a job.  Maybe if I blow someone in front of the White House, I'll become President. WTF.  

And then there's Stephanie...I really do love her bitchiness and fakeness, but someone needs to address her bangs...ASAP.  It looks like she made a weave out of pubic hair and plopped it on her forehead.  She looks so unfortunate.  There were a few scenes that I looked at her and thought, "She is one ugly bitch".  

And finally, the fake relationship between Brody and Lauren is so over and done.  The scene at lunch was excruciating to watch.  Brody looked like he couldn't be bothered to keep up the charade and just sat there stuffing his face.  Free lunch is free lunch, right BRODES?  Lauren peeped a few awkward stares and Poop. End scene.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.  Semi fake reality is one thing (see Real World)...but this is really working my last nerve.  I'd rather stick my genitals into a wood chipper than continue watching this hot mess.

St. Lucia

Greetings all!  My weave was down in St. Lucia for the weekend for the spectacular wedding of Ms. Chi and Mr. James.  Congratulations to the newlyweds!  

On Thursday, I flew down to the tropical isle and met the peeps at the poolside bar and immediately starting to dump all sorts of fruity concoctions down my throat (that's what he/she/tranny said!).  A few too many drinks later and we were all headed to Spinnaker's for a beach barbeque.  What a sight!  The restaurant sat on Reduit Beach and was truly lovely. Nothing like hearing a steel drum version of Bailamos!  The rhythm really did take me over...Bailamos.

Friday was a lovely day of lounging, drinking, and grazing until the ceremony.  We were bussed to a national reserve called Pigeon Point and the happy couple was wed on a sea cliff overlooking the ocean.  It was gorgeous!  After a champagne toast and photos, we were bussed to The Edge Restaurant for some delicious cocktails, dinner, and dancing.  All in all, a magical evening indeed!  

Saturday was quite a lazy day as I ended up sitting bar side for nearly 6 hours downing various banana inspired beverages.  That evening, we strolled down Rodney Bay and had dinner at Buzz Restaurant which was quite tasty.  Many bottles of wine later, we were quite tipsy and my weave had to call it a night.

Sunday was another lazy morning then we had to take the trip to the airport on the opposite side of the island before flying home.  

One more congratulations to Ms. Chi and Mr. James on their recent nuptials!  Champagne wishes and caviar dreams, lambs.

American Idol

Who watched Idol tonight? Wasn't it simply heaven? Thank goodness all the bullshit Beatles and lame-o songs have vanished and someone had the brilliant idea to have the songbirds cover Dolly Parton songs! Girl, you couldn't get more gay than if some Dolly tranny whipped it out on stage and sang a rendition to 9 to 5. HTM!

Just about everyone was sincerely delightful except for 2 toe up messes. I predict the talentless Ramiele is the one to be voted off this week. She is a midget mess and everything she does is horrifying. Perhaps the crowd who voted for JabbaWockeeZ is keeping her around but I think her time is done. Small People Big World! Later you naff cunt.

And speaking of busted up trolls, that horrendous Kristi Lee Cook has got to go. You know some dumb shit red states are voting for her because her sibling parents remind them that "they're not alone", but come on! Listening to her sing is like shoving your head up Roseanne's vajayjay and trying to make sense of it. I would sooner shove a beehive in my ass and pray for honey than listen to that hot mess. I suspect some honky tonk mother fuckers will vote for her and keep her around one more week, but you know she's got to go sooner or later.

Now let's talk about the stars of the show.

I know all of America loves Mo Mo and he'll probably win...and this week, he deserves it. Ms. Archuleta did a fine rendition, and why shouldn't he? Unless they do Cher covers next week, he can't top himself! (Oh girl, there's so many puns there...) After getting such rave reviews from the judges, he had the biggest look of relief on his face...probably because he doesn't have to go home and get butt nailed by his Poppa. Well done, girlfriend!

And let's talk about the magic that is Michael Johns! Wasn't his performance amazing?! Somebody send me Down Under...I am certainly impressed. I love that he readily admitted that he attended a Dolly Parton concert in 1986...gay gay gay! (I mean, seriously...have you seen his wife? How does one spell "b-e-a-r-d"?)

Jason Castro also worked his weave into a frenzy with his version of "Travelin Thru". Didn't it make you want to watch TransAmerica and hang with the trannies? What a wonderful voice this lad has. I'm actually quite happy that he's keeping his weave together but if he shaves that off before the finale, the ladies and mo's will flood this country with panty secretions. Juicy!

I don't always notice Carly, and at times, she's forgettable, but tonight, she worked it out. Her voice is deliciously rich and like a rented dildo in the ass, she certainly got my attention. Well done, honey!

The rest were fine, but completely forgettable. I am quite over Brooke and her "nice" manners and bullshit. You know that she goes home and works that meth pipe like a starving hooker and a meaty...burger. Daughtry butt plug David Cook is a real pain in the...well, ass. I just don't understand the faux rock situation. It's the equivalent of going to J. Crew and buying a shirt that says "I Rock". Sister Mary Fake! And finally, Syesha was fine and in fact, I quite enjoyed her cover of "I Will Always Love You" but there's really nothing special about her. Her voice is pretty, her face is pretty, but completely generic.

The Hills

Oh Mondays are so much more interesting now that The Hills is back! Tonight, a double ended dildo, I mean, double header of 2 super contrived episodes graced our presence and it was as special as ever. Special like Corky.

Let's see...tonight, we saw the return of Lauren and Whitney to LA. I love that they talk about Paris as if they were away for 6 months...girlfriends, it was 1 week! Not THAT much has changed...except now you have French crabs dancing on your twats instead of LA crabs. Yum seafood is so tasty.

Lauren goes to her class (Um, when was the last time we saw her in class...2 seasons ago?...convenient...) only to run into Spencer's hateful sister, Stephanie. Let's talk about Stephanie for a hot tranny second. Girlfriend is BUSTED! Doesn't she remind you of Ashlee Simpson before the nose job? There's something very "hangin at the food court in Northridge / accessorizing herself at Claire's" vibe about her. And does she apply mascara with a Sharpie? Anyhow, the plot line was so contrived but by the end of the 2 episodes, they find a common ground to be "civil" to each other. The scene where the ladies are lunching at FIT was especially "special". First of all, Stephanie was wearing some heinous headband and her left ear was busting out like some hot tranny rat. Girlfriend, you look like Fivel!

I will give props to Fivel for her smack down of Spencer though. The best quote of the evening must have been "You're so homeless...You're so lame". Classic! You have to have some sort of mental handicap to think of such brilliance.

Let's move on to Heidi. What exactly is wrong with her face? I will say something rather controversial here...I do think her skanky ass was pretty in season 1. Back when she was dating Jordan, she was quite cute actually. But now homegirl looks like some bitch in East LA took a bat to her face and she had to have some serious reconstructive surgery...but she'll never look the same. That's some hot Vanilla Sky shit right there, girlfriend! Anywho, her plot line with Spencer is done and dusted. They really need to think of something new. Maybe Heidi can be "sick of men" and start snacking on coochie. She is totally one of those LA girls who'd go to the sushi side for a few months.

Whitney's plot line was pretty boring. Blah blah blah she wants to be a stylist...blah blah blah she did well at her fashion show. Nothing very interesting here.

And Audrina was essentially non-existent in these episodes. She was probably too busy having anal sex and reading Cosmo about how to satisfy her man to be bothered with filming any real content. I suppose the prospect of Justin Bobby's imminent return will keep us waiting with baited breath.

And let's finish off the evening with the anal beads that barely should be rubbed...Brody and Frankie. I'd rather give Aretha Franklin sponge baths than continue to see these two tools bitch and moan. Oh poor Brody! He's so upset that Lauren won't hug him hello! And poor Frankie! He really schools Lauren on what true love is! Listening to these two makes me watch to douche with glue. Now that's a hot tranny mess.