The Hills

Oh Mondays are so much more interesting now that The Hills is back! Tonight, a double ended dildo, I mean, double header of 2 super contrived episodes graced our presence and it was as special as ever. Special like Corky.

Let's see...tonight, we saw the return of Lauren and Whitney to LA. I love that they talk about Paris as if they were away for 6 months...girlfriends, it was 1 week! Not THAT much has changed...except now you have French crabs dancing on your twats instead of LA crabs. Yum seafood is so tasty.

Lauren goes to her class (Um, when was the last time we saw her in class...2 seasons ago?...convenient...) only to run into Spencer's hateful sister, Stephanie. Let's talk about Stephanie for a hot tranny second. Girlfriend is BUSTED! Doesn't she remind you of Ashlee Simpson before the nose job? There's something very "hangin at the food court in Northridge / accessorizing herself at Claire's" vibe about her. And does she apply mascara with a Sharpie? Anyhow, the plot line was so contrived but by the end of the 2 episodes, they find a common ground to be "civil" to each other. The scene where the ladies are lunching at FIT was especially "special". First of all, Stephanie was wearing some heinous headband and her left ear was busting out like some hot tranny rat. Girlfriend, you look like Fivel!

I will give props to Fivel for her smack down of Spencer though. The best quote of the evening must have been "You're so homeless...You're so lame". Classic! You have to have some sort of mental handicap to think of such brilliance.

Let's move on to Heidi. What exactly is wrong with her face? I will say something rather controversial here...I do think her skanky ass was pretty in season 1. Back when she was dating Jordan, she was quite cute actually. But now homegirl looks like some bitch in East LA took a bat to her face and she had to have some serious reconstructive surgery...but she'll never look the same. That's some hot Vanilla Sky shit right there, girlfriend! Anywho, her plot line with Spencer is done and dusted. They really need to think of something new. Maybe Heidi can be "sick of men" and start snacking on coochie. She is totally one of those LA girls who'd go to the sushi side for a few months.

Whitney's plot line was pretty boring. Blah blah blah she wants to be a stylist...blah blah blah she did well at her fashion show. Nothing very interesting here.

And Audrina was essentially non-existent in these episodes. She was probably too busy having anal sex and reading Cosmo about how to satisfy her man to be bothered with filming any real content. I suppose the prospect of Justin Bobby's imminent return will keep us waiting with baited breath.

And let's finish off the evening with the anal beads that barely should be rubbed...Brody and Frankie. I'd rather give Aretha Franklin sponge baths than continue to see these two tools bitch and moan. Oh poor Brody! He's so upset that Lauren won't hug him hello! And poor Frankie! He really schools Lauren on what true love is! Listening to these two makes me watch to douche with glue. Now that's a hot tranny mess.