American Idol

Ahh we're down to the top 6 this week and in tribute to butt plugs and KY Jelly, the contestants will be singing numbers written by Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. And PS: It's Earth Day so recycle your plastic dildos and aluminum nipple clamps! And PPS: Are you loving what a catty queen Ms. Andrew is in the profile packages? No one's good enough for him! Simply heaven!

Syesha Mercado: All I've got to say about Ms. Syesha's performance tonight is WOW WOW WOW! Excuse me, Miss Thang, but where has your personality been hiding? It feels to me like you've been napping in a cave for the entire season, but tonight, you came out to shine! Ms. Syesha sang "One Rock 'n' Roll Too Many" from Starlight Express and worked her shit out. Her personality was oozing everywhere and honey, I got slimed! I was certain she would go home this week, but now I may have to reconsider. Well done.

Jason Castro: Now you all know I love my little dreaded peanut, Ms. Castro, but his rendition of "Memories" from Cats was a hot tranny mess. It sounded like what the inside of a tranny's manmade vagina must look like. Sick! Let's hope our boo doesn't get the boot!

Brooke White: Thank goodness for Brooke White because this means Mr. Jason is safe! Her performance of "You Must Love Me" from Evita was a fucking disaster. She fucked up the beginning by forgetting the lyrics, her vocals were horrifying, and Robot Paula was digging inside her acid trip to find something to say. Have fun with your career in babysitting!

David Archuleta: Momo sang "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera and it was so hot! Did anyone else hear the gay gasp throughout Manhattan as mo's citywide clutched their heaving bosoms and cried a tear? I mean, the combination of a Broadway hit and Momo's emotional performance is almost to much to bear. I disagree with Simon and think his performance was stellar. You could definitely hear that rendition on Top 40 radio and it would be a smash hit. Well done, Momo! One note though...what exactly is going on with Momo's lips? Has he been hanging out with Jessica Simpson and getting them plumped up? Or did Papa Joe 2.0 just smack him in the mouth too hard?

Carly Smithson: Our favorite Irish tough bitch sang "Superstar" from Jesus Christ Superstar and she sounded great! Her voice was full, soulful, and gorgeous. I was quite impressed and although I don't think she'll win, I think she'll have a fantastic career ahead of her anyhow. Bravo!

David Cook: Butt plug sang "Music of the Night" from Phantom of the Opera. At first, I was a bit unimpressed and bored, but he worked it out and by the end, I was compelled and loved it. Also, who enjoyed Ms. Weber's blatant flirting with David? It was so homo chic.