Michael Johns: My Thunder from Down Under did a heavenly rendition of Aerosmith's Dream On and it sure got me in a tizzy. He rocked quite a mo-friendly outfit, complete with a sassy handkerchief tied daintily around his pretty little neck. I am about to smear vegemite all over my body because girl, it's time to feed me to the Aussies!
Syesha Mercado: Ms. Syesha worked her shit out this week! I actually agreed with breast spilling Paula this week and she sounded amazing! I am sure she'll still fall into the bottom three, but her voice was quite lovely this week. Well done, honey!
Jason Castro: Um excuse me but do you have a Bounty towel because I just have creamed myself and it is a stinky mess!! Ms. Castro sounded like a gorgeous walk on the beach with his rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow working that ukulele like a horny lesbian and a strap on. Do me baby one more time! Surely one of the best performances of the evening. Goose bumps everywhere!
Kristy Lee Cook: This hot tranny mess sang Martina McBride's Anyway. I have come to realize that listening to her reinforces my belief in being Pro-Choice. Because honey, her mother should have fucked herself hard with a wire hanger 24 years ago when this evil spawn was conceived. I just cannot understand how this HTM is still on the show! Ugh...whomever is continuing to vote her deserves a cactus in the vajayjay.
David Cook: Butt Plug sang Our Lady Peace's Innocent. Hey girlfriend! Nice jacket! Was it on sale at the boutique by hot new designer Helen Keller? Fuckin hell, that was a huge mistake. And to top it off...he sounded like shit! I know he's supposed to be one of the front runners but seriously, how much faux rock can one take? And to top it off, to write "Give Back" on his hand? Bitch, you're not Chris Martin!
Carly Smithson: Inky sang The Show Must Go On by Queen. So now this tranny thinks she's Freddie Mercury? Well, I suppose that's fitting. She actually sounded quite good. I love her full rich voice. Has anyone noticed that she looks like a lezzy version of Vanessa Carlton? Wait, is that the pot calling the kettle muff eater?
David Archuleta: Teen Queen Mo Mo sang one of my favorite Robbie Williams' jams, Angels. It was just ok for me. Perhaps because I love that song so much and Miss Thang seemed to be going through the motions. Don't get me wrong...Little Miss Sunshine did quite well, but I think he could have given a bit more. And didn't he look a bit constipated? Or perhaps quite the opposite! Maybe Momo was clenching so tightly to avoid letting the floodgates unleash the damnation of his burrito lunch with just a bit too much sour cream. I don't know. There was just something odd about him tonight. He was a bit Small Wonder chic.
Brooke White: Miss "I'm so fucking nice" sang Carole King's You've Got a Friend. You know I want to hate on Brooke because she's just so damn sweet, but I think she worked her poop out this week. Her hair was well done, voice was fine, and overall, I was happy enough with her performance. I will say the cock ring earrings and Chico's dress for dumpy bitches were perhaps poor choices, but all around, fine fine fine.
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