The top eleven

Um, Peter Noon and Lulu? Did the producers scour the beach in Santa Monica and pick up the first wash ups they found? Were Captain and Tennille unavailable?

Let me break it down for you...one by one...Here we go!

Haley Scarnato: She sang "Tell Him" to mostly good marks by the judges. Let me tell you, honey. I don't like you, you're annoying, your prom hair is a hot mess, and please, do something about that heinous face! If you want to win, you're going to have to do more than tell him, you're gonna have to blow him! Boo! You're going home soon. Next!

Chris Richardson: He sang "Don't let the sun catch you crying". Hey peanut...don't let the sun catch you with a forehead of zits! Clean and clear and under control? No, you ain't! And doesn't he always have this odd mischievious look about him? Like he just stole a Playboy and a bottle of KY warming liquid and has mysteriously disappeared? His voice is decent, however, he's no JT! Just no one has told him that! I give him a top 6 prediction, but not a winner!

Stephanie Edwards: She sang "You don't have to say you love me". Well, she's no Beyonce, but she worked it! Sing it, baby! I agree with the judges about her "losing her edge". She used to be much more spunky, and now she's like watching Elmer Fudd jerk off. Boring! One more note, those long dangly earrings...Oh no. Take that shit off! You're fierce enough without them! Again, not a winner, but she's not going home yet.

Blake Lewis: He sang "Time of the season". Um, hey girl, what are you wearing? Even gay guys in Chelsea are saying, "Hell no, I wouldn't wear THAT". And straight men with highlights? Lame! And the beatboxing? So done! Only fat girls in the Midwest will like you! Blake, pack your bags, girlfriend. Don't let the bus hit you on the way home! Top 6 but not a winner!

LaKisha Jones: She sang "Diamonds are forever". Yes baby, yes baby, YES BABY! You killed it! LOVED IT! What a delicious, fierce performance! And you brought the ta-ta's out for show and tell! Loving you! Top 4 for sure!

Phil Stacey: He sang "Tobacco Road". Hey Daniel Powter! You look like Britney Spears! A hot mess! And that performance? You made me want to quit smoking! Hack hack cough cough NOT GOOD! Pack your bags!

Jordin Sparks: She sang "I who have nothing". Doesn't she look like a whore-ish version of Norah Jones? You know, I always forget about her, but she was pretty fierce tonight. I think she'll make it a few more rounds. She can sing...but she wouldn't be missed. Enjoy it while you can!

Note: I just saw my girl Nicey Nash in the audience. Hey girl!

Sanjaya Malakar: He sang "You really got me now". Work that weave, boy! Holy crap! You have no talent now, do you? And why is that girl (who resembles a young Alicia Silverstone) sobbing in the audience? They weren't tears of joy...they're were tears of fright! You're a hot mess! You make me want to finger myself with a chainsaw! Pack up!

Gina Glocksen: She sang "Paint it black". Hey hey you you! You're not Avril Lavigne (luckily)! I think you're ok, your voice is fine, you're so "edgy" (yawn...), but guess who's not going to be in the finale? You!

Chris Sligh: Fatty sang "She's not there". You know why? Cause you ate her! Chomp chomp! Work it Jack Osbourne! Your voice is ok, but it's like watching Chris Farley shower. Unpleasant! Pack your moo moo! Here's a cute one for you:
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Melinda Doolittle: She sang "As long as he needs me". You went and saved...the best...for last! I love you! You are stunning and phenomenal. From the beginning, I think it's quite clear that you've already won this dog and pony show. Your rendition was sparkling and perfect! Love love love! I'm coming to your show when you tour!