Isn't it supposed to be Autumn?

This weave is thankful the week is over! It's been a long one, and honey, not in a good way.

Last night, I headed to the Mean Fiddler for Ms. Mindy's goodbye party to celebrate her departure from MTV. Open bar is so damn tasty and I worked that Ketel like a trannie in the Meatpacking. After more than several drinks, Ms. Christine and I headed Downtown to a Kangol party which turned out to be a hot mess. And by hot mess, I mean that space was boiling hot. Invest in some air conditioning, Kangol! Damn! For no apparent reason, Miss John Legend was there chatting with all the overstyled hipsters. Weirdo.

Gossip Girl

No, bitch, I'm THE Gossip Girl! The secret has been revealed.

Well, I had the pleasure of catching this show last night and I have a lot to comment on. First of all, I will say this show is the mental equivalent of watching Audrina figure out how to use a vibrator with different speeds. It's completely predictable and over the top - basically West Side Story for douchebags. That being said, it's still heaven and this year's hottest guilty pleasure. Let's break down the main characters.

Serena van der Woodsen: The central character, famous from The Sisterhood of the Travelling Panty Liners, has a lot of good qualities (except her name...Seriously...WTF). Think of her as the Mischa Barton character, but with acting abilities. She's come back to town after banging her best friend's boyfriend and everyone hates her. She's such a loner now! Oh please, this cunt will be a walking glory hole at the Palace before the next episode. She's actually getting a tattoo on her upper lip that reads "Insert Here"...to match the one above her ass. It's super cute.

Dan Humphrey: He's the guy smitten with Serena. He's from "the other side of the tracks" and by that, I mean he's from Williamsburg (?!?!). This is totally ridiculous and unrealistic. His family lives in a massive loft and they're considered "rough and poor"? He's actually quite likable and clearly the Ben McKenzie character. The ruffian with a soft side - just like my ass!

Nate Archibald: Seriously, who the fuck came up with these names? He sort of looks like a more stylized James van der Beek, has a weird butt cut, parted in the middle of his hair, and sharper eyebrows than Anastasia herself. Damn gina! He's Blair's boyfriend that banged Serena. This would only be possible...if Serena had a DICK! Homeslice is a big raging 'mo but I guess he'll fake eat vajayjay for a role.

Blair Waldorf: She's Serena's arch nemesis and a total hot mess. She's very Sophia Bush chic...and we all know that bush is never chic. She's super bitchy and a total backstabber. I guess she's a good role model for little girls around the country. Really something to aspire to. She finds out about Nate and Serena's tryst then instantly tells Dan to scare him off. What a power move!

Chuck Bass: Does he know Lance?! Are they domestic partners? He's the "bad boy rich boy". His character is almost a caricature of itself and totally ridiculous. He's just SO pissed off at the world. Wah wah whine whine go shove a cactus in your ass and shut up.

Jenny Humphrey: She's the young impressionable sister of Dan. Oh she's so innocent but you know she'll be doing more cock revolutions than a pair of turntables at Les Deux soon enough!

The Hills Recap

Even in my state of constant vomitting and shitting, I certainly was not going to miss this week's episode of The Hills. I do have priorities, people.

Where should we begin? How about the introduction of Jason's new fiance, Pascha? Who let the trannie out? Doesn't she sort of look like a bleached out version of Audrina? They could be lesbian sisters! She seems like a total cunt and even that drunk Jason could do better. I thought Lauren's eyes were going to bulge out of her head when Jason mentioned her for the first time.

And what about Spencer and Heidi? This storyline is getting wicked tired and boring. I'm surprised they didn't go to Babes in Toyland to register for dildos and vaginal wash. They sure look like they need it! I wonder what will happen with these two. It seems like the wedding is going to get called off very soon. And what about Heidi in a wedding dress? Hot mess!

Finally, Whitney had some plotline this week, however the whole thing was so contrived that I could barely be bothered to pull my finger out of my ass (it was a preventative measure). I loved how Lisa Love put the smack down on her and said, "If anything goes wrong, it's all your fault". No pressure! Could they not have booked a better band that Red Jumpsuit Apparatus though? Was Jefferson Starship not available? Boring! And let's talk about the final frame of Whitney walking away with Lauren. Homebitch is skinny! You never notice how skinny she is because her face is rather full and horselike, but as soon as she stands up...damn! Karen Carpenter called and wants her body back!

I am now a Size 0.

Well, what an adventurous few days it's been. On Saturday, I met up with Ms. Nicola at Soho House for some tasty dinner and many glasses of Rose-eh-eh-eh-eh. Simply delightful. Ms. Mindy came to join us in the festivities and we worked our weaves at the bar. We eventually moved on and ended up at The Bubble Lounge where we crashed a wedding party and danced and sipped champagne to our heart's delight.

Sunday, I met up with Ms. Kelly and Ms. Charlotte at Blue Ribbon Sushi for some tasty raw fish. Enough tuna to make my breath smell like Britney's vajayjay. Holla! Ms. Kelly and I then zipped over to The Yard at the Soho Grand for some more cocktails, and eventually ended the evening at the Mercer Hotel where Mr. Evan met us for one more cocktail.

Well, that must have done me in because I had the misfortune of getting food poisoning Monday. Was it from the sushi? Was it from the fruit in my cocktails? Who knows but what I do know is that I was a walking hot mess. Even Nicole Richie doesn't vomit that much. The plus side? I'm now a size zero. It's really amazing how food poisoning will help deflate you within the span of one day. Loves.

Happy Birthday!

Two special birthday shoutouts. A big happy birthday to Ms. Cora! Enjoy your weekend in Bath! I hope you find some salt shakers to...shake. Gosh, it always tastes so salty.

Also a big what what to Ms. Nicole Richie! I hope you take this one day of the year to...eat.

Save the Music

My weave attended the Save the Music Gala last night and it was quite an event. It was held at the Tent behind the Lincoln Center and was celeb galore so let me break it down.

Mariah Carey: Someone's on the cabbage diet! She looked amazing! When she came out of her SUV, swarms of fans were on the street and they all started screaming and chanting "Mariah". Rather than being rushed right onto the carpet, she told her security she wanted to say hi to the people and crossed over and signed autographs, took pictures, etc. I'm sure she did it because she's an attention whore and needs the adoration, but I still thought that was pretty nice. It was quite odd though that every time before anyone took a picture with or of her (photogs, fans, etc), she had her makeup artist touch her up. I guess she doesn't want to be shiny, even in some random fan's photo of her. Insecurity called!

Bill Clinton: He's my hero so I won't mention the fact that he could use about 25 chemical peels and more cucumbers on those bags than he can muster. Loves him.

John Mayer: He's working a new shorter weave and some bronzer that would have made Jessica jealous. He actually looked quite good cleaned up and his weave wasn't out of control per usual.

Conan O'Brien: That is one tall ginger. He was hysterical as usual.

Jon Bon Jovi: Homeslice has definitely had some cosmetic surgery done lately. He was pulled back so far that his ears were actually on MY head. That's hard to manage. He performed well (and with John Mayer on guitar) and sounded good.

Tim Gunn: This old lady is...well, old! I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with him, but I have a feeling he's what John Norris is destined to be. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if those two sit around on the weekends and play with a deck of "Old Maid" cards, and their penises.

Roger Waters: He may be a legend, but he could definitely use a stylist, a makeup artist, a hair groomer, a new body, a new face, and a new attitude. He was friendly with the "public school children" though.

Pat O'Brien: What exactly is wrong with him? He was just sort of lurking about and peering at the kids. I have a feeling he was fantasizing about the little girls "bobbing for apples" in his pants. Gross!

Maria Menounos: This talentless hooker was the host of the event. Bad choice! Was Elizabeth Hasslebeck unavailable? To me, those two idiots are cut from the same plastic that they make the Purple Penetrator with. Not interested!

The event was gorgeous and we spent much of the evening chatting with Ms. Mya. She's charming and beautiful and that's all I need to be happy. Afterwards, we hit the after party at The Empire Hotel and Ms. Berna came to join in on the festivities. Mr. Nick Lachey hosted and I almost moved in into the open bar. It's a bad sign when bartenders at a big event can remember your drink order. Ms. Vanessa was also there and was sweet and chatty as always.

Singer Songwriter Wednesdays

Have you ever gone to five events in one night and wondered how it all was possible? Indeed that was my evening last night with Ms. Berna. We began our evening at the Save the Music event at Bloomingdales, complete with very sweet cocktails and a coma-inducing performance by Vanessa Carlton. After downing four beverages, we zipped down to the Meatpacking to have a gorgeous dinner at Ono. We munched a ton of raw fish (including a free spicy tuna roll which was...spicy - sheesh!) then strolled up to the Highline Ballroom for a lovely performance by James Blunt (Thanks Lacey!). He was heaven and I strongly suggest you all run out to your local music stores and get the new album immediately. Don't illegally download. That's dumb.

THEN, we cabbed over to the Bowery Ballroom to catch a set by Jon McLaughlin who was delightful as always (Thanks Christine!). Work that piano! We finally ended the evening at Angels and Kings for the KT Tunstall after party where we consumed ten too many additional adult beverages. Needless to say, I'm lookin a hot mess and am surprised I didn't end up face down ass up on the couch when I passed out shortly thereafter.

Triplexes are fun

Have you ever seen a crazy ass weave on a crazy ass lady and wondered, "Who let her crazy ass out?"? That's exactly what I look like right now. Totally wack. Totally crazy. Totally ass. I woke up before 7:30AM this morning, yes pets, you read that correctly. In the MORNING. You know that's not hot. I was at the Palace Hotel all day working my weave like some kids in 3rd world countries. Really hard! Luckily we were in a triplex suite with a fabulous private roof terrace which helped to soften the blow. That lobster roll for lunch was also heaven. My interview with Mr. Mick Jagger went pretty smoothly and now I finally home, wishing I had a "Do It Yourself Botox Kit" to help erase these roast beef curtains that are slowly forming on my face. Don't sit on it! I'm not an Arby's!

The Hills Recap

I don't know, people. This episode worked my weave like a lawnmower on fake grass. It was so...fake! The whole plot line with Heidi "getting promoted" is giving me some serious diarrhea. I'm blowing out every toilet in Manhattan thinking about it. Clean my pipes! I don't even want to talk about it. Also, the whole "run-in" at Ketchup was aggravating. Fake and lame.

However, I DO want to talk about our favorite warthog, Elodie! Home girl gets snaps for finally getting some balls, some mighty big baseball size balls, for asking more than, "Oh my gosh, Heidi...What did you do this weekend?". She let that crab collector have it! It was simply heaven.

Where exactly did Justin Bobby go this weekend? Was there a douche convention he was attending with Brody? Bro-Bro-Bro-Brody? Maybe the pair of them are getting a hot civil union in Canada, eh?!

I don't know how I feel about sober Jason. He's so watered down and boring. So Shirley Temple! Get this man some meth! He's crumbling apart. He's so helpless and just gawks at Lauren through his beady little eyes. Let's pray for a relapse. Call Lohan!

Le Weekend

My weekend was a lovely one. Saturday evening saw lots of alcohol and debauchery as Ms. Berna (welcome to NYC!) and I met up at Underbar for some tasty music (Gimme MORE!) and even tastier beverages. A bevy of Ms. Berna's crew arrived and we high tailed it down to The Bubble Lounge in Tribeca (slowly becoming my favorite hot spot) for an all night bender. Nothing like dancing in circles, making tasteless jokes about anal sex with near strangers, and downing Kir Royales to prove a Saturday evening fabulous.

Sunday, I relaxed my weave until I met Ms. Erika for a gorgeous dinner at Da Silvano. The tasty Italian feast we consumed was amazing and we also spotted a crow...A Counting Crow...Yes Mr.-once-been-inside-Cox/Aniston Weave Extraordinaire...Mr. Adam Duritz. Is he still rocking the same ol' weave? Indeed!

I also saw ALOT of television this weekend and have several pressing comments.

Tim Gunn's Guide to Style: This show should be renamed...This Old Queen. It's hysterically bad, yet incredible. Ms. Tim takes everything SO seriously (just like he does on Project Runway) and forces his guests to cry. Loves. Even more amazing is how horrid his makeup job is. The 2nd episode (aptly named "Weight Loss") features his mug with about 9 different shades of foundation on...globbed all over various parts of his face. Weird! His co-star (Honey, we're clearly using the word "star" loosely), Veronica Webb, obviously hates being on this show. She seems totally bothered and annoyed and when she looks at the chubby girl makeover, she is as fake as her boobs. It's amazing! Ms. Tim and Ms. Veronica have absolutely no chemistry either which is heaven. He's semi oblivious and she has no time for him. Loves.

Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane: I can't even believe this hot trannie has a reality show...but I am totally addicted! This crazy ass giraffe runs around town in some "phat" garb and is a total wack job. It sort of makes me want to befriend her - I love me some crazies. She loves to talk about how "fabulous" she is when girl, I think she's just rolling in Russell's money. She definitely works hard, but I don't know. She didn't get to where she is without opening her mouth a few million times.

This week is going to be insane so stay tuned for details. I need to roll on a seaweed mask and clean out these pores.

Well, actually what I mean is...No, that's exactly what I mean.

My evening last night was a lovely Japanese / Scottish mix of fabulousness. I met the peeps at Haru for some delightful raw fish fare. Nothing like dirty panty breath to kick start your evening! A big shout out to Ms. Grace for feeding the hungry! We zipped over to Pure on Irving for some tasty wine and white sangria where Ms. Berna joined our weave party. We worked our way through a few adult beverages before moving onto to Irving Plaza to see Scottish darling, Paolo Nutini, work his magic on a predominently preppy and European crowd. The smell of foreskin was pungent and we were all salivating. Party dress! Thanks Ms. Lacey for hookin us up! After the show, we moved further downtown to the Mercury Lounge to see the US debut of Calvin Harris, and boy, did he deliver like Dominos!!! The crowd was moving like they had crabs biting their genitals and it was heaven! Well done, Calvin!

Heatherette

This socialite is very tired and busted this morning. Ms. Rebecca and I decided to work our weaves last night and after a tasty dinner at Republic (and by tasty, I mean it's a glorified cafeteria) with Mr. Isaac, we rolled to Lotus for the Heatherette party. It was packed with the usual Downtown suspects - club kids, trannies, Amanda Lepore, gays, etc - and it was heaven with open bar (I wonder if Heaven is always open bar...that would be, well, heaven). We gargled down a few Belvedere cocktails and people watched to our hearts' content. There were tons of models floating around looking angsty and bothered. Loves. As we left, we spotted Justin Long outside loitering with his peeps but girl, it was bedtime and we had to go home.

Fashion Week Continues

I met up with Ms. Jacky and Ms. Mercedes for a tasty evening out at Koi. The place was packed with giraffe like models picking at edamame and downing laxatives with their fruity martinis. We had a gorgeous dinner to celebrate Ms. Mercedes' nuptial and finished off our meal with the Desert Sampler. The waiter looked a bit confused when the THREE of us ordered this, and said, "Well, um, it's quite big" - Here's hoping. We said it was fine and homegirl was right. It was obviously intended for a party of 8-10 people. Clearly, we're not models and licked the platter clean. We rolled our bloated selves past my fellow socialites and I zipped home to end up face down on the couch. Delight.

The Hills Recap

Let's just start immediately with Derek and Jarett (Yes, spelled like THAT?!?). In the classic words of the ladies...W-T-F. They are such the epitome of Jersey boys gone wrong (Is that a double negative?!). They've got the crazy fake tans, the gelled up hair, the Jersey swagger...it reeks of Summer's Eve. Maybe it should be called Jersey's Eve. When your asshole is feeling a little grimey, just rub a little Derek in your pooper and you'll smell like the Turnpike! I can't even deal with them but their comedic presence is certainly appreciated. What if Derek and Justin Bobby become BFF's? I would finger myself in anticipation.

How much did you love Lauren's reactions to Derek's love pleas? It was heaven. I love when she becomes a Grade A cunt. It's the real her and it's delicious. I also love when her zits (see the workout scene) are all over her chin. At least I think they're pimples and not some gross herpes. Smack her face with it! Um, ew.

This whole Heidi gunning for the Director promotion at work is so incredibly fake that it pains me to watch. I'd rather give birth to a jar of pickles. Many jars of pickles. I'm having octoplets! Also, isn't Elodie one of the most wretched creatures to roam Los Angeles? She's such a filler character and they must have decided to cast a frumpy dump truck to make Heidi look "better". No one in the real world would hire Heidi for any job besides walking glory hole, and even then, she'd complain that this spit cum filleth over.

How ridiculously white are Audrina's teeth? Did she accidentally mistake a bottle of Clorox for a fire hydrant and deep throat it? So now she's proclaiming to be "just friends" with Justin Bobby? Oh please. Someone's having anal later!

And the return of our male Lohan...Jason! Well thank goodness someone decided to cut that weave but he still looks like a hot mess. Using facial hair to define a nonexistent jawline? Doesn't work, sweetie!

VMA's

Um, I'm so sorry to say this, but this is potentially the biggest flop that's ever aired on TV. This show is so horrendously bad that I'd rather watch overweight women give birth. I have a feeling that many of my co-workers are about to lose their jobs and that there are going to be some serious evenings out of heavy alcohol consumption and consolation. Instead of Moonmen, everyone's getting pink slips!

Let's start with the pre-show. Uhhh Ms. John Norris looked like an emo-trannie! What exactly is going on? How has he not been fired yet? He said that Panic at the Disco was his style inspiration. The eyeliner, the flat ironed bleached hair, the skeleton scarf? Ms. John, you're about 800 years old...you can't dress like 22 year olds. Get a fucking clue. And where was the talent? Beyonce? Jay-Z? Britney? Justin? Timbaland? Apparently too busy to be there!

And now..."Britney's big performance". Uhh I'm sorry Brit, but did you have somewhere else you needed to be? She looked so bothered to even be there! She put zero effort into her "performance", and by performance, I mean she walked around in a bathing suit with her gut hanging out. She barely bothered to lip sync and hardly danced. She was so sedated! Xanax overdose? There was no surprise guests, and what happened to the Cris Angel contribution? Her career is over.

What's the main problem with this show? Well, there are actually more than several. First of all, the show is lacking some sort of continuous energy. It's just all over the place and makes no sense. Everything is so staged and it's just BORING. The show definitely needed a host to tie the shit together. Secondly, they put some over-the-hill execs in charge of the show creative who think that this suite idea is "young and hip". Um no, it's just lame and poorly lit. This does not translate to screen! Kim Kardashian does better camera work. And also, why are they not showing complete performances? That makes even less sense. This is embarassing. I wonder how this show will rate. Is anyone even watching this mess besides me? I hear "Meet the Fockers" is playing on ABC.

Finally, some saving grace in this pile of shit. Chris Brown and Rihanna! Work it, ladies! Now this is a solid VMA-worthy performance. I do love me some "Umbrella" and Ms. Chris has got some tasty moves. Yes he's the new Usher/Michael Jackson wannabe, but that's fine for me at this point. Work!

Justin's acceptance speech...Priceless! He just said, "MTV needs to play more videos...We don't want to see The Simpsons on reality television"...And he said this...in front of...The Hills girls! Aha! That's classic.

Kanye's performance was decent. Even though he's the biggest pain in the ass (think being gang banged by a band of cactus), I will give girlfriend props. The song is cute and the performance was fine. Take off the fucking white sunglasses though. You look like a tool.

I like this Linkin Park performance. The song is a bit blah but the vibe is that of the EMA's and there's actually some ENERGY in this show. Well done, boys.

Pete Wentz needs a serious weave chop. He's looking a hot mess. And what's up with Ms. Travis from Gym Class Heroes? Too much weave relaxer, honey! The Rihanna/FOB collabo is cute. Shut up and drive! I'm feelin it. That's hot.

I love this Alicia Keys song! Well done, girlfriend! Now this is some hot classic R&B. It gives me a nice early 90's R&B vibe. Loving it. My only comment is that her eye makeup looks like it was done by the famous makeup artist, Helen Keller, and Ms. Alicia needs to not wear those tight ass pants over her big fucking hips. Those aren't birthing hips...that's a fucking birthing hallway! And now's shes rocking the George Michael classic, "Freedom"! All of a sudden, this shit's the GLAAD Awards! Bravo!

So Gym Class Heroes just won Best New Artist (Uh it should have been Amy Winehouse!!) and Jennifer Gardner called them Gym Class Fallout! Haha! What this intentional?!? Is she dissing the emo boys? Classic.

Dr. Dre is being celebrated for the best producer? Ouch! Timbaland must be pissed! Someone's been to the gym...Damn gina. Have another protein shake!

Yay Rihanna just won Video of the Year! Work it, baby! She looks radiant in that pink situation. Loves her, loves the video. Love love love!

Is Diddy really wearing a B.I.G. t-shirt? Are you kidding? How long can he ride that wave? Sick.

Finally! The finale! Now THIS is how a performance should look. The entire show should have been looked like this. Justin, Timbaland, Nelly Furtado...heaven!

How can I best sum up this mess of a show? I will quote Ms. Berna's summation:

"Um, that was like a 5 year reunion. Brit was the head cheerleader, who graduated, drank too much, got knocked up, and now just goes to parties and takes her top off. Justin was her boyfriend she broke up with for college boys, but he turned out to be the greatest thing she'll never be able to have again...".

US Open

Did anyone else watch the Men's Finals of the US Open? Who knew that two sweaty men hitting a tiny ball at each other could be so exhilerating? Ha! I think they game might be a bit more interesting if two balls were in play. I mean, they come in a pair, don't they?!

Ok, so I actually didn't watch the match (Who really gives a flying crap, really?!), but I did watch the award's presentation and it was fucking ridiculous. Novak Djokovic, apparently the 20 year old sensation from Serbia - so hot right now, lost to Ms. Roger Federer. He was very fake humbled in his second place status and what did he receive for his efforts? A fucking tray! What? I didn't realize that dinnerware was a prize. Was this competition sponsored by William Sonoma? Did the third prize winner receive complimentary dish towels and a hand job from Anthony Bourdain?! Then Ms. Roger received his trophy which he did his best Top Model posing with. I think it's incredibly toolish when they raise that shit up and kiss it. It's not an asshole...Take your mouth off of that! Four years in a row...work it, baby!

Congratulations are in order!

Big ups and a gigantic congratulations are in order to Ms. Mercedes for her nuptials in Florida last week! Work them wedding bells, dear!

I had a lovely evening last night with the aforementioned Ms. Mercedes and her new hubby. We had a tasty dinner at Bar Martignetti. I sure do love that tuna tartare and lobster roll. Yu-hum! After our meal, we rolled around Nolita and Soho, scouting fabulous bars for their wedding reception. After surveying the scene, we settled on The Bubble Lounge in Tribeca because it's amazing! There are more Europeans than you can offer a circumcision to and more champagne than you could throw a drunk, like myself, at. Loves.

Tonight is the big night...the VMA's! It's a bit odd to not actually be there this year, so I suppose I'll watch it on TV like everyone else. How common.

The Hills Recap

First of all, let me question this. Who edited this monstrosity of an episode this week? It was atrociously cut! I mean, we all know that this show is totally fake and "prompted", but some of the scenes lacked so much in the continuity department, that it barely made sense. That person should be forced to trim Spencer's ass hairs...with their teeth!

Let's start by talking about all the hanger on boys that leach onto Brody like crabs on Audrina's vajayjay. They are the epitome of why LA sometimes, and usually, sucks. There are these good-for-nothing douchebags that just sit around, call each other "dude" and "bro", wear backwards trucker hats, and wax their balls. It's so ridiculous. Don't you love that when Brody gets around Frankie, he's all of a sudden an East LA gang banger. You're not kidding anyone, homeslice. You wear SPF 50. Get a clue.

Speaking of fools, um...Audrina? Sweetheart, have you been accidentally using your dildo instead of a toothbrush to brush those veneers, and in turn, unintentionally punched a hole through your tiny alien shaped head? Please tell me you're not buying the horse shit that Justin Bobby is crapping into your mouth! It pains us to see someone so stupid get fucked over even more. I think your genetics screwed you enough. Drop the loser, honey!

Now you all know I love me some Lo (my future wife, just for namesake), but honey...eat a Zone bar and drop the pizza! You is a fattie and we is judgmental...so work it out...or better yet...work out! She's definitely the snide, "smart" character in this brood of whorehouse rejects. Sometimes, she gets this glare in her eyes when she's talking to Audrina that reads, "My oh my, what drugs did your mommy shoot when she was preggers with you, you dumb ass slut". It's heaven.

And the biggest news of the episode? Spencer and Brody break up! This display of "male emotion" is exactly why men shouldn't display emotion. Because it's pathetic and ridiculous! You've left the playground, fellas. The lameness ends at the edge of the sandbox. Just lick each other's assholes and make up!

Let's finish with Jen. Now exactly how much plastic surgery did Fugs get? I mean, it's sort of sad when someone gets that much surgery and looks even uglier than before, ain't it? I love that Heidi totally called her out on it as soon as she saw her. Jen is really a worthless human being and if she got hit by a car, someone would probably reward the driver with a purple heart.

Scottish Weave

Happy Wednesday, fools! My weave is a bit knackered from last night as I had a "late" night (well, late by standards of my tired old ass). The peeps and I went down to the Bowery Ballroom to check out those tasty Scots, The Cinematics (http://www.thecinematics.com/). What a treat! We drank, we danced, we drank some more, and then...drank. If the lads come to your town, check their weaves out!

New York Weave

My weave is back in NYC after my quick jaunt to the Bay Area. What a delightful weekend I had. On Saturday, I had a lovely dinner at Fuki Sushi with Ms. Liana and Ms. Christina. Raw fish consumption in California is always a delight. You don't get that dirty pantie taste in your mouth. Holla! On Sunday, I did some light shopping, had dinner with the family at Evvia, then met Ms. Liana at Circa in the Marina for some adult beverages. My flight was pretty easy yesterday and fortunately was packed with Europeans. The smell of foreskin in the air was recirculating and pungent! Who said they don't serve meals on flights anymore? Aha!

Home is where the weave is.

What a joy it is to be back in the Bay Area! The sun is barely shining, it's a bit breezy, the fog is rolling in, and girl, I need a sweater. Loves! I had lunch at Left Bank with Ms. Shelby after I arrived to munch on some much desired French fare then napped the afternoon away. After rinsing out my weave, I met up with Ms. Liza and welcomed her to San Francisco with a brief driving tour. We ended up in the French Quarter and dined at Cafe Bastille. Because it's "summer", they had all their outdoor seating set up and it was heaven. Plenty of Europeans surrounded us and gabbed about politics and foreskin. After a delicious dinner, we wandered to Rouge et Blanc with Mr. Dylan for a tasty bottle of Riesling. Unfortunately, this weave was driving and although all my Hollywood girls are very DUI chic, I didn't feel like spending a night in jail with a 500 pound cellmate named Mo, so I kept my alcohol consumption to a reasonable level. No bottle deep throating for me! Afterwards, we zipped to Pacific Heights for a friend of Mr. Dylan and Ms. Liza's party but as the late hours approached, my weave expired and I went home.

It's another gorgeous day here today so I think I will need to give my credit cards a workout and find myself some Fall couture. Work!