Happy Christmas!!

Yes, I know...I have been an absent weave but it's been a busy holiday season! Endless parties, dinners, laying face down at Soho House...ahhhh I am sure in a right festive mood!

I am back in the San Francisco Bay Area where the weather is sinfully sunny and lovely. This socialite has had a wonderful time relaxing and napping like a pussy cat. Makes me purr!

I will report back with some scandalous tales of debauchery and naughtiness soon enough but here's hoping you take those lumps of coal and make butt implants with them! Fierce.

Happy Christmas my pets.

XX

The Hills

What. The. Fuck. Did. I. Just. Watch. ?.

Did anyone else catch tonight's episode (and I use the term "episode" very loosely as it should truly be termed "video scraps from the edit room floor")? What a hot mess!

Let's start with our little vixen tart, Whitney, and all her backhanded questions to Lauren (before she knew she was off to gay Paris as well). "Have you been to Paris this time of year?". Oh. That was hot. It's nice that the two girls can gallivant to Paris together and see who can squeeze more Brie out of their vajayjays. So exciting! And let's chat about Audrina's French lessons contributions of "C'est la vie" and "Oui". When you hear Audrina speak, don't you always get reminded of some mentally challenged invalid who got hit by a truck and has some serious amnesia, causing her to re-learn the English language? She is just so damn Corky chic. Paiggeeeeee!

The Spencer and Heidi back and forth is truly ridiculous, fake, and unwatchable. Who cares about these two raging morons? Watching them fight and pick at each other is the equivalent of ass banging yourself with a cactus for 30 minutes straight. Painful! There's really nothing to say but if we want to play make believe, I suppose I'm happy that tits for brains Heidi has left Spencer so she can go back to Colorado and be with her people, to roam the fields with her fellow ponies, and eat shit from troughs.

You all know how I feel about Brody. Was his mother Summer's Eve? Someone smells like lemons and vinegar! Oh! It's Brody - you raging fucking douchbag. What is wrong with him? Why are guys in LA like this? Should we call him Brody's Eve?

Even worse than the show was the AFTER SHOW! Who watched this hot ass mess?

First of all, let's talk about the serious miscasting of those two hosts. Were they casted via two cans and some string? Who would think these two dolts were at all coherent, attractive, or presentable to the naked eye? Jessi (spelled like THAT) looks like a damn trannie. She is very TransAmerica chic. She's got a bulging 8 inches below the belt that just can't be tamed. And what about the boy? He looks like Fred Armisen after a night at OJ's house. Busted!

The entire "after show" was a complete disaster and shows that MTV is more out of touch with the "youth of today" than ever before. I think watching reruns of The Golden Girls has a stronger resonance with the kiddies today. The webcam thing? A hot mess. Choosing "Area" as the location? What? Was some other washed up lame club not available? A hot mess. Having a fake red carpet in a parking lot? A hot mess.

I think I need to go watch reruns of paint drying to regain some brain cells.

Weekend Foolishness

What a eventful few days it's been!

Wednesday, Mr. Tom, Ms. Rebecca, and I had a few adult beverages at Broome Street Bar before having a nice Thai situation at Peep. Hey Peep - you're delicious! We also tried to unearth the true meaning to "spicy rims" but it still remains a mystery. Holla at my lobster pot if you know.

Thursday, the ladies and I hit Stone Street, specifically Ulysees, for some gold digging at its finest. And the stock is up! Did you say you make half a milly a year? Did I say that I have no gag reflex? Invest in me, please! Someone make a deposit! Can I get a witness? There was also some foolishness with a photo shoot in the streets of the FiDi that I won't elaborate on but it was the hotness.

Friday evening, Ms. Jacky, Ms. Mercedes her hubs, and I hit my favorite seafood fanciness, the Lure Fishbar. It was gorgeous and delicious! I highly recommend you all munch down that raw seafood platter like a fratboy in heat. Yum!

Saturday evening, Ms. Lisa and I had a lovely dinner at Blue Fin, and by lovely, for some reason, everything was heinously NOT good. Blue Fin is usually delicious, but apparently not on Saturdays during the fucking holiday season. Ba to the humbug. Afterwards, we strolled to the Nokia Theatre to see Finnish rock sensation HIM. The crowd smelled like athlete's foot but the music was bangin! Nothing like a lovely Finnish man belting out a cover of Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game" to work my weave into a frenzy!

The Hills

This is the equivalent of swirling a finger in your ass. Hotness.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/56c2d6a703

Gobble Gobble

What a whirlwind week! My weave is totally wacked right now but let me try to recap.

Monday, I had a delightful dinner with Ms. Kelly at Barbounia. Holla at some lovely fried cheese! I really do love fried cheese because it matches my thighs. So cute. Afterwards, we rolled over to the Gramercy Park Hotel for a cocktail before calling it a night.

Tuesday, I was in DUMBO all day for work. No details to be reveal of what went down, but at the end of the night, Ms. Wycelf sang "No Woman No Cry", talked some shit about Ms. Lauren Hill, and we danced the night away.

Wednesday, I hopped on my flight to London and it was celeb heaven. In the lounge at JFK, I spotted Channing Tatum. I wanted to commend him on his Oscar worthy role in "She's the Man", but alas, I was too embarrassed to approach the Z-lister. Common was floating around the dining area, chatting on his cellie. Kanye's management was also there munching away and it wasn't until I boarded the plane that I spotted Kanye...2 seats over from me. I rudely was reading my US Weekly (with him and his mother on the cover...oops) before I realized my blunder and put that shit away.

Thursday, I arrived at Heathrow looking like a total hot mess so I had to head straight to Ms. Sara's in Islington for some serious beautifying. That evening, I met up with Ms. Cora and her manz and Ms. Sam for some heavy drinking at The Builders Arms in Kensington. Holla at cozy pubs with cozy beverages! We then rolled over to Cafe Rouge for some chain French fare to celebrate the slaughter of Indians (Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving) before hitting one more bar in Notting Hill before bed. How were all your Thanksgivings? Did you stuff your face with a bunch of cock...I mean turkey? How fowl.

Friday, I worked my weave on Oxford Street like a hooker in heels. Shopping is not only therapeutic, it's also cardio! Gosh I'm just so damn skinny now. That evening, after a romantic dinner at Thai Square where Ms. Sara's mouth was indeed en fuego (that's hot), we met Ms. Sam and her friend and Ms. Lucy with her Mr. Peter at The Winchester for some adult activities i.e. binge drinking. Unfortunately, the basement "night club" smelled like a giant asshole roast so we zipped down Essex Street to The Embassy to cap the evening off properly. We headed back to Sara's and had a midnight singalong with Ms. Michaela. Loves.

Saturday, Ms. Sara, Mr. Scott, Ms. Morgan, and I had a lovely dinner at the uber trendy Vanilla. It's very chic and modern, quite resembling The Mondrian in LA...except replacing the LA douchebags with London's finest vajayjay washes. The meal was quite tasty although a group of loud Brits celebrating some one's 40 year old twat across the way was a bit of a distraction, especially when they started to play Suck and Blow. Yes, that's right...40 year olds playing an adolescent game made famous from Clueless. Ricockulous.

Sunday, we lazed about, had a quick meal at Yo Sushi, then saw The Darjeeling Limited. It was very typical Wes Anderson, a little slow, but entertaining enough.

This morning, my weave was up VERY early and I was at Heathrow and on my way home before I knew it. Bless the First Class situation or else I'd be an even hotter mess than I already am.

American Music Awards

What a gorgeous mess! This show was so divine and something the VMA's could never be...it was actually watchable!

Where should we begin? There were several amazing stand out performances done by our divas. The Rihanna / Ne-Yo duet was sensational. Ms. Carter (Oh no I didn't!) looked stunning and sounded pitch perfect. And what about her rival Ms. Beyonce singing with Sugarland? I don't know who that front-trannie of Sugarland is, but she sure is twangy...and tangy! It was a lovely twist on a contemporary classic. Ms. Celine also turned it out in the only way that French Canadian crazy ass knows how...as a spectacle! So much chest thumping and arm raising! Screw Pilates! Do the Celine! Because she's the greatest singah in zee wurrrrl!

And Ms. Alicia? Her reggae inspired interpretation of her new hot single "No One" got my weave in a frenzy! We also have to give some props to the Queen of Soul...Ms. Mary! The poppy single "So Fine" was lovely and she worked it!

Oh and a big shout out to Ms. Chris Brown. He sure can dance like he's got crabs in his pants. Well...

And now...on to the shit talking...

What was up with that set? Is it 1984? That hot mess was speckled with bad taste.

It also seemed to be the night of wacky weaves. You know who I'm talking about! Remember back in elementary school when on a random Friday, it would be Crazy Hat Day? Well, tonight must have been Crazy-Ass-Wack-Ass-Yo-It-Looks-Like-Ass-Weave Day! Ms. Alicia???!! What's happening with that crazy front braid? Maybe it's Backwards Day! It was a complete distraction from her otherwise flawless performance. And Ms. Mary was rockin some short blond weave. It was short and sassy but something was a bit off. And Ms. Queen "I don't eat pussy THAT MUCH" Latifah also rocked some blond Jennifer Aniston circa 1996 Friends haircut weave. Did these ladies consult the hairdresser of Las Vegas? That would explain so much. Overheard backstage was "Well, you see, I got my weave done by the same queen who does Siegfried and Roy's weaves..."

Overall, the show was good although Ms. Jimmy Kimmel was a bit boring. So much of his banter was overly contrived and forced. I did, however, enjoy his closing statement: "And thanks to the Promises Rehab Center for getting so many of our stars out in time for the show". Loves!

Project Runway

Did all you peeps watch the season premiere of Project Runway last night? Apparently the show is being sponsored by K-Y Jelly and should be renamed Project Anal Leakage...because it was the gayest show ever! The guys from Queer Eye are beaver sniffin in comparison. And honey, it was heaven! Let's first discuss Ms. Tim Gunn. At the opening introduction in Bryant Park, Ms. Old Lady was lookin a hot mess! His makeup was running, he was sweaty, his head was getting sun burnt...Maybe he should revisit his Guide to Style and do some self help work. Veronica Webb would have a field day with him.

Ms. Heidi looked amazing per usual and was completely over the top. There's nothing more to say about her - xoxo gossip girl. And how about this cast of zany characters? Everyone is a total wack job with matching wack weaves...and it's lovely. I think all their designs last night were pretty mediocre. Your thoughts?

Schmooze and Booze 2007

Well, I am officially an older weave than the year before. My birthday came and went on Tuesday like a hot flash in my menopausal life. Is it hot in here? No, it's my hormones going crazy. That's hot.

I had a lovely dinner at Koi with the ladies then headed to the subterranean Cellar Bar for my bash. Thanks to all you lovely, gorgeous people who came to schmooze and booze with the finest New York City has to offer. You were all dressed magnificently and it's much appreciated!

Hungry like the wolf

Monday night, Ms. Karen and I had a tasty dinner at Ruby Foo's before we headed to Roseland for the main event. Because of the Broadway stagehand strike, Duran Duran's Broadway stint was moved to stinky Roseland Ballroom but the show was still wonderful. That Simon LeBon can still high kick like a Rockette in heat! Work it! John Taylor looked a bit frail and pale, but he sure can still work a bass. And Ms. Nick Rhodes...well...homegirl should wear less makeup. He looks a bit like Patty Chase from My So-Called Life.

Thursday night was a delightful evening at MTVU's Woodie Awards. Ms. Ethrina and I had a tasty dinner at Saigon 48, where Ms. Christine met us, then we rolled to Roseland for the big event. Loads of indieness and endless Grey Goose sodas had this weave dancing in circles. After the show, we hopped to the after party at Spotlight Live and danced the night away. I had the misfortune of tripping over someone's misplaced bag on the floor and landed directly on my knees (Insert your own pervy joke here). I was a bit sore (Insert your second pervy joke here) and in the morning, looked down, and my entire right knee was black and blue. SO Nancy Kerrigan chic! Give me the silver, honey!

Saturday, I had a gorgeous dinner at Japonais with Ms. Mercedes then zipped up to Ms. Berna's apartment for her soiree. Party on, ladies! 100 glasses of white wine later and I was groovin the night away. Loves!

The Hills

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Wanna hump?

Don't you love the Hump? Let's hump! It's hump day! We're half way there! Ummm...

Monday night, I had a tasty dinner with Ms. Kelly at Blue Fin before going home and accidentally passing out until 12:30AM. This daylight savings business has really got my weave up in knots and I have no damn clue what's happening. Last night, I went to scout a venue for my imminent Schmooze and Booze event next week. The ladies accompanied me to the Cellar Bar and it was perfection. Holla at some banker boys and cute fashion girls. Loves it. Then we zipped downtown for a dinner at Los Dos Molinos before I went home to devour another episode of My So-Called Life, recently out on box set. Heaven!

Lately, my weave has been working harder than a tranny hooker's man made vajayjay in New Jersey. And I'm tired and sore! Let's see...Ms. Nicola and I had a superb power lunch at Koi on Thursday where we worked our hair pieces over some raw fish finery. Friday, I had a work lunch at Landmarc at the Time Warner Center where our waiter somewhat resembled some blond douchebag from The Real World...or Road Rules...or some fucking Gauntlet. I can't remember. I had the displeasure of working all damn weekend so you can only imagine how raggedly I look at this point. The one glimmer of loveliness was a tasty dinner with Ms. Grace at Bar Martignetti in Nolita on Saturday. Afterwards, we strolled over to Gatsby's for Ms. Jessica's birthday celebration. Happy birthday, girlfriend! The music was poppin with all our favorite Top 40 hits and we paid proper homage.

And now it's Monday.

The bitch is back

Yes, yes, I know. I have been an absent weave but it's not my fault! This hair piece has been busy! Now you know I don't discuss my "work life", but let's just say I was in Brooklyn doing a show last week but more importantly, spent 2 days admiring Ms. Beyonce's weave from up close. That ain't synthetic! I wonder how many small Cambodian children had to be shaved for that situation. The answer? More than Angelina can adopt!

The end of the week was a big fat cock of a blur. Work, sleep, work, Grey's Anatomy, sleep, work my weave, sleep. The weekend was quite a delight however as I attended Ms. Jen and Ms. Leah's Halloween fiesta at King Size on Saturday night. My creation of Maddox Jolie-Pitt fell through last minute and I dressed up as, well, nothing. After a few hundred well deserved adult cocktails, we rolled over to Stanton Social to gawk at potential investors (and by investors, I mean...well...I'm the stock and something's rising...Ka-ching!). We ended the evening at The Back Room and by 3AM, this weave was on it's way home. Sunday was a lovely shopping day in Soho with Ms. Kelly. We had a tasty dinner at Otto (where we spotted a sweatsuit laden Ivaka Trump) and had a little Sunday fun-day drinky drink time at Underbar before we retired.

Weekend Weaving

The weather is mild and tasty, yet still a bit too warm for my liking. Where are my low 60's at? Sweater weather, please! Last night, I met up with Ms. Carrie and Ms. Kelly at Bar Veloce for more than several glasses of wine before we rolled to a singles only party at Ms. Carrie's co-worker's home. After some more alcoholic consumption, we checked out the scene at The Bubble Lounge before going to Taylor. There's quite a cute bar downstairs and I'm strongly considering it for this year's Schmooze and Booze - November 13 - Mark your calendars and anuses! Mr. Evan came to meet us then we zipped up to Bugalow only to be wildly mortified by the packed 3AM crowd of New Jersey whores with rugburn on their cheeks and not so fresh vajayjays. I soon made my exit and here are we on a gorgeous Sunday...and I'm at the office. Awesome.

Is it Summer?

Are you in NYC? If so, then you'll understand my dilemma. It's indeed mid-October, yet the heat, humidity, and rain outside is makin my crazy ass weave think it's Summer! Al Gore, what what? Global warming? I can't hear you...but apparently my weave can! Sheesh! Where did my delicious Autumn weather go?

Yes indeed, my friends, this weave has been a busy one. Wednesday night saw the arrival of Ms. AJ back to NYC and we had a celebratory fete at Otto, complete with 3 bottles of rose-eh-eh and some tasty fare.

Last night, we had a gorgeous dinner at Rosa Mexicano (Thanks Ms. Lisa and Ms. Liz!) before we wandered over to Irving Plaza to see our Southern belles, Mutemath. If you like stadium rock with some Southern panache, you will love Mutemath. We said hello to the lads after the show then I went to the Blender Theater with Ms. Khadija, Mr. Isaac, and Ms. Jen to see new Brit sensation, Air Traffic, play as part of the CMJ Festival. The crowd was hipstery college kids with too much spandex and not enough common sense. There were more visible balls than a Christmas tree would allow. Have you heard of accidental teabagging? Watch where you swing those, mister!

Since You've Been Gone

I know I know...my weave is late in posting. It's been some crazy hectic shit these days. Working is for the birds and all I can say these days are "chirp mother fuckin chirp".

Let's see...Ms. Annie and I had a tasty dinner at Spice on Friday night before attending the Klaxons' show at Webster Hall. Apparently I love to hit up Webster on Friday nights to relive my college days and chill out with fat college girls. The crowd wasn't as horrendous as the Mark Ronson crowd...but any minute, I thought Stacey and Clinton would pop in and yell, "You've been selected to be on What Not to Wear because you're a heinous bitch!". That would be classic. The show was run of the mill and my weave wasn't very impressed.

Saturday was a brunch and shopping extravaganza with Ms. Berna. We worked our weaves at Jane through some deliciousness then strolled around Soho until our limbs gave up. The rest of the weekend was spent making sweet sweet love to my couch. We're really the new it couple. In fact, the blogs are calling us "Frouch". That's the hotness.

Last night, Ms. Berna and I met up at the Beacon Theatre to dance our hearts out to Mr. Jon McLaughlin and Ms. Kelly Clarkson (Thanks Christine!). It was quite the dance party, although the crowd was reminiscent of Roosevelt Field on a Sunday afternoon. Suburban and frightening, with a dash of Long Island gays. Post show, we met up with Ms. Mindy and had a gorgeous late night meal at Citrus then I cabbed straight home and retired my old ass weave.

Tardy Tardy

Hey you cocksuckers. Immense apologies for being so lackadaisical about posting lately but girl, this weave has been busy, ya heard?! Let's see...

Sunday night, Ms. Kelly and I had a tasty dinner, and more importantly, deepthroated a lovely bottle of wine at Otto before heading over to The Spotted Pig for more cocktails, and eventually ending at Dublin before passing out. Monday night, I had a gorgeous dinner with Ms. Shelby at The Odeon to catch up on all things high school. Holla at the past! Tuesday night, Ms. Sara from London, Ms. Sara from NY, Ms. Carrie, Mr. Abby and I had a lovely pow wow at Balthazar's. Nothing like some sensual French fare and chatter about foreskin, travelling, people we don't like, and other general luxuries in life to spice up a Tuesday night. Yesterday was a big ol hot mess. As you know, I don't give details about my "work life" but let's just say I was in NEW JERSEY all day, working my weave for a show with THE BOSS. Honey, he's not the boss of me, but there you have it.

Marky Mark

Last night, a bunch of us went to Webster Hall for the Mark Ronson show and honey, it was a hot mess. Let me think of the best way to describe the crowd. Imagine there's a Sadie Hawkins dance at NYU and only the fat girls went and took their ambiguously unattractive gay friends. Throw in some straight guys from Long Island who think Tiesto is "the shit" and there you have it. Basically everyone was a total dump truck and about 19 years old. Seriously.

Mark was fine although homeslice has a bit of the Madonnas. He would sort of weave in and out of some Eminem inspired vernacular (girl, you know what I mean) then all of a sudden be more British than his own foreskin. It was quite odd.

Since Marky Mark doesn't sing, he brought out a slue of including the infamous Daniel Merriweather, Alex Greenwald, Santo Gold, and some other losers. The show was fine but not ass tingling good.

I am hip hop.

Last night was a frenzy at Hip Hop Honors held at the Hammerstein Ballroom. I worked my weave at the red carpet catching glimpses of all the hip hop royalty, then proceeded to the first mezzanine for some lovely open bar and tasty appetizers. The Missy tribute was totally heaven and features some amazing performances. The rest of the show happened, but I was much more involved with my vodka Sprites to notice. Check it out on VH1 Monday 10/8.

A gaggle of us rolled to the afterparty at Providence for some more free drinks and a mini dance party. The VIP room was full of all our D-list friends: Salt N Pepa, Kerry Washington, Tweet, and Ice T and his fun bags, Coco. A total scene. The Surreal Life...come to life!

Gossip Girl Roundup

Now, I don't know how much longer I can watch this show. It's essentially the mental equivalent of trying to imagine cock being shoved into Ann Coulter's far too tight vajayjay. Impossible to deal with! However, I did catch last night's bewitching episode so let's hit it.

The basic premise is that it's Ivy Week and everyone's gunning for their choice of Ivy schools. Poor Brooklyn captive, Dan (Oh he's SO out of OUR world...) is the second in his class but when he doesn't get the coveted title of Dartmouth, Ms. Thing throws a hissy fit like no other and it takes a little pushing from Daddy to work it out so he can attend the event. Dan's just so damn pissed that all the rich kids get everything they want because of their families' influences and privilege. Wah Wah Wah! Shove a dildo in your ass. I think you're done.

Blair and Serena are still cock fighting and there's quite an intense scene of physical beat downs when they're playing field hockey. Speaking of field hockey, when the hell did those two become fierce carpet munchers? They might as well fight a double ended field hockey stick and pump-pump-pump it up! Speaking of all things gay, we also learn that Blair's father is a raging homo and has shacked up with a 31 year old model. Jim McGreevey called. He wants his boytoy back.

And finally, we find out that Serena's brother, Eric, is a total wack job and tried to kill himself a few months previous. He's checked into a "home for the disturbed and addicted" and Blair works her cunt to try to ruin Serena when spotting her entering the home. Did anyone else wonder how the actor playing Eric got casted? The kid is seriously borderline Special Olympian and any minute, he might yell "I got it" as he runs in circles grabbing his own ass. The casting director needs to be fired.

The final act was totally retarded (like, seriously, Corky-style) and Serena and Blair reconciled. Why would they make up so early in the season? Someone better blow someone's else boyfriend STAT to move things along.

And now I need to dunk my head in the toilet and flush repeatedly to get all these worthless facts out of my head.

The Hills Recap

This week's episode was totally heaven, wasn't it? Totally fake, and totally awesome!

First, I have now come to realize Ms. Lauren's diet technique! She surrounds herself with other chunky blond girls and therefore makes herself to be the skinniest of the bunch. I shall cite Lo and newcomer, Jill, as examples. There was literally no reason, and no previous mention ever, of Jill before, but lo and behold (Lo and behold...haha!), there was Ms. Weight Watchers Dropout 2007 in a bathing suit cuddling it up with Lauren and Lo in a big chair by the pool! Well done, Lauren! You now only look about 650 pounds. Slim as ever.

This week's episode spotlighted some of THE biggest douchebags of all time. If your vajayjay was feeling a little musty and unclean, I bet it sparkled after this episode! Let's start with Brody. W. T. F. He was somewhat bearable in previous episodes, but this week, his inner douche came out and the smell of lemons and vinegar filled the air. Why are guys from LA like this? It's definitely a weird phenomenon that should be studied immediately. Screw global warming! Al Gore should be doing documentaries on douchebags from LA! They're greatly effecting the world.

Another nominee in the douchebag category? Our homegirl, Spencer! Hey boo - What's up with the chin pubes? You look ridiculous. Did you eat out Ms. Heidi after she missed a waxing and get inspired? So sick. We're over it.

But of course the biggest douche of them all? Indeed, the award goes to Justin Bobby. He was such a prick to the ladies and is generally horrendous. When he was waiting for them at curbside check-in, he was rocking back and forth furiously and looked nuts. Is Jenny McCarthy his mom?!? (Sidenote: Has anyone been catching the Jenny McCarthy / Holly Robinson Peete autism press tour?! Is this what their careers have come to?)

Let's talk about Elodie, who because of her increasing mouse-like appearance, we will now call Ms. Fivel. It's an American Tale, honey! Ms. Fivel was totally conniving and bitchy and it was heaven. She backstabbed Heidi by not showing up to the "big event". Obviously it was completely set up and fake, but I was certainly salivating and loving every second.

There was also a lot of making out on this week's episode. Brodie and Lauren - who cares, right? But Frankie (an honorable mention in his douching capabilities) and Lo? It was like two heffers in a mud slop! Oink oink, bitches!

Manic Monday

Is it really Monday already? Where has the weekend gone? I had dinner with Ms. Simone and Ms. Kelly at Dekk in Tribeca on Friday night. I recommend it like I recommend masturbating with a rusty nail in your vajayjay! Don't go there, honey! The food was not good, and in fact, it was disgusting. The atmosphere was cute but not worth the indigestion. Afterwards, we strolled to The Tribeca Grand for drinks at Xavi's birthday soiree. I, unfortunately, could not stay long since I had to "work" on Saturday so I rolled my buns home at 1AM and called it a night.

Saturday was a hot mess as I was dragged myself to Greenpoint on a shoot with Ms. Tracy Morgan. After being on set for 11 hours, I went home, relaxed my weave, had some dinner, and passed out. Sunday was a lovely day of shopping galore. I had to restock on my beauty products and am currently loving the new moisturizing gel from La Mer. Yes, when you open up the bottle and rub it on your face, it looks suspiciously like you're starring in cheap porn and just "took one for the team", but honey, it works wonders and I am certainly moist. I met up with Ms. Kelly for some delightful fare at Balthazar's and had one drink at 60 Thompson before heading home.

This morning I had a quick interview with Debbie Harry and now I'm cursing to myself that it's only Monday.

Isn't it supposed to be Autumn?

This weave is thankful the week is over! It's been a long one, and honey, not in a good way.

Last night, I headed to the Mean Fiddler for Ms. Mindy's goodbye party to celebrate her departure from MTV. Open bar is so damn tasty and I worked that Ketel like a trannie in the Meatpacking. After more than several drinks, Ms. Christine and I headed Downtown to a Kangol party which turned out to be a hot mess. And by hot mess, I mean that space was boiling hot. Invest in some air conditioning, Kangol! Damn! For no apparent reason, Miss John Legend was there chatting with all the overstyled hipsters. Weirdo.

Gossip Girl

No, bitch, I'm THE Gossip Girl! The secret has been revealed.

Well, I had the pleasure of catching this show last night and I have a lot to comment on. First of all, I will say this show is the mental equivalent of watching Audrina figure out how to use a vibrator with different speeds. It's completely predictable and over the top - basically West Side Story for douchebags. That being said, it's still heaven and this year's hottest guilty pleasure. Let's break down the main characters.

Serena van der Woodsen: The central character, famous from The Sisterhood of the Travelling Panty Liners, has a lot of good qualities (except her name...Seriously...WTF). Think of her as the Mischa Barton character, but with acting abilities. She's come back to town after banging her best friend's boyfriend and everyone hates her. She's such a loner now! Oh please, this cunt will be a walking glory hole at the Palace before the next episode. She's actually getting a tattoo on her upper lip that reads "Insert Here"...to match the one above her ass. It's super cute.

Dan Humphrey: He's the guy smitten with Serena. He's from "the other side of the tracks" and by that, I mean he's from Williamsburg (?!?!). This is totally ridiculous and unrealistic. His family lives in a massive loft and they're considered "rough and poor"? He's actually quite likable and clearly the Ben McKenzie character. The ruffian with a soft side - just like my ass!

Nate Archibald: Seriously, who the fuck came up with these names? He sort of looks like a more stylized James van der Beek, has a weird butt cut, parted in the middle of his hair, and sharper eyebrows than Anastasia herself. Damn gina! He's Blair's boyfriend that banged Serena. This would only be possible...if Serena had a DICK! Homeslice is a big raging 'mo but I guess he'll fake eat vajayjay for a role.

Blair Waldorf: She's Serena's arch nemesis and a total hot mess. She's very Sophia Bush chic...and we all know that bush is never chic. She's super bitchy and a total backstabber. I guess she's a good role model for little girls around the country. Really something to aspire to. She finds out about Nate and Serena's tryst then instantly tells Dan to scare him off. What a power move!

Chuck Bass: Does he know Lance?! Are they domestic partners? He's the "bad boy rich boy". His character is almost a caricature of itself and totally ridiculous. He's just SO pissed off at the world. Wah wah whine whine go shove a cactus in your ass and shut up.

Jenny Humphrey: She's the young impressionable sister of Dan. Oh she's so innocent but you know she'll be doing more cock revolutions than a pair of turntables at Les Deux soon enough!

The Hills Recap

Even in my state of constant vomitting and shitting, I certainly was not going to miss this week's episode of The Hills. I do have priorities, people.

Where should we begin? How about the introduction of Jason's new fiance, Pascha? Who let the trannie out? Doesn't she sort of look like a bleached out version of Audrina? They could be lesbian sisters! She seems like a total cunt and even that drunk Jason could do better. I thought Lauren's eyes were going to bulge out of her head when Jason mentioned her for the first time.

And what about Spencer and Heidi? This storyline is getting wicked tired and boring. I'm surprised they didn't go to Babes in Toyland to register for dildos and vaginal wash. They sure look like they need it! I wonder what will happen with these two. It seems like the wedding is going to get called off very soon. And what about Heidi in a wedding dress? Hot mess!

Finally, Whitney had some plotline this week, however the whole thing was so contrived that I could barely be bothered to pull my finger out of my ass (it was a preventative measure). I loved how Lisa Love put the smack down on her and said, "If anything goes wrong, it's all your fault". No pressure! Could they not have booked a better band that Red Jumpsuit Apparatus though? Was Jefferson Starship not available? Boring! And let's talk about the final frame of Whitney walking away with Lauren. Homebitch is skinny! You never notice how skinny she is because her face is rather full and horselike, but as soon as she stands up...damn! Karen Carpenter called and wants her body back!

I am now a Size 0.

Well, what an adventurous few days it's been. On Saturday, I met up with Ms. Nicola at Soho House for some tasty dinner and many glasses of Rose-eh-eh-eh-eh. Simply delightful. Ms. Mindy came to join us in the festivities and we worked our weaves at the bar. We eventually moved on and ended up at The Bubble Lounge where we crashed a wedding party and danced and sipped champagne to our heart's delight.

Sunday, I met up with Ms. Kelly and Ms. Charlotte at Blue Ribbon Sushi for some tasty raw fish. Enough tuna to make my breath smell like Britney's vajayjay. Holla! Ms. Kelly and I then zipped over to The Yard at the Soho Grand for some more cocktails, and eventually ended the evening at the Mercer Hotel where Mr. Evan met us for one more cocktail.

Well, that must have done me in because I had the misfortune of getting food poisoning Monday. Was it from the sushi? Was it from the fruit in my cocktails? Who knows but what I do know is that I was a walking hot mess. Even Nicole Richie doesn't vomit that much. The plus side? I'm now a size zero. It's really amazing how food poisoning will help deflate you within the span of one day. Loves.

Happy Birthday!

Two special birthday shoutouts. A big happy birthday to Ms. Cora! Enjoy your weekend in Bath! I hope you find some salt shakers to...shake. Gosh, it always tastes so salty.

Also a big what what to Ms. Nicole Richie! I hope you take this one day of the year to...eat.

Save the Music

My weave attended the Save the Music Gala last night and it was quite an event. It was held at the Tent behind the Lincoln Center and was celeb galore so let me break it down.

Mariah Carey: Someone's on the cabbage diet! She looked amazing! When she came out of her SUV, swarms of fans were on the street and they all started screaming and chanting "Mariah". Rather than being rushed right onto the carpet, she told her security she wanted to say hi to the people and crossed over and signed autographs, took pictures, etc. I'm sure she did it because she's an attention whore and needs the adoration, but I still thought that was pretty nice. It was quite odd though that every time before anyone took a picture with or of her (photogs, fans, etc), she had her makeup artist touch her up. I guess she doesn't want to be shiny, even in some random fan's photo of her. Insecurity called!

Bill Clinton: He's my hero so I won't mention the fact that he could use about 25 chemical peels and more cucumbers on those bags than he can muster. Loves him.

John Mayer: He's working a new shorter weave and some bronzer that would have made Jessica jealous. He actually looked quite good cleaned up and his weave wasn't out of control per usual.

Conan O'Brien: That is one tall ginger. He was hysterical as usual.

Jon Bon Jovi: Homeslice has definitely had some cosmetic surgery done lately. He was pulled back so far that his ears were actually on MY head. That's hard to manage. He performed well (and with John Mayer on guitar) and sounded good.

Tim Gunn: This old lady is...well, old! I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with him, but I have a feeling he's what John Norris is destined to be. Let's just say I wouldn't be surprised if those two sit around on the weekends and play with a deck of "Old Maid" cards, and their penises.

Roger Waters: He may be a legend, but he could definitely use a stylist, a makeup artist, a hair groomer, a new body, a new face, and a new attitude. He was friendly with the "public school children" though.

Pat O'Brien: What exactly is wrong with him? He was just sort of lurking about and peering at the kids. I have a feeling he was fantasizing about the little girls "bobbing for apples" in his pants. Gross!

Maria Menounos: This talentless hooker was the host of the event. Bad choice! Was Elizabeth Hasslebeck unavailable? To me, those two idiots are cut from the same plastic that they make the Purple Penetrator with. Not interested!

The event was gorgeous and we spent much of the evening chatting with Ms. Mya. She's charming and beautiful and that's all I need to be happy. Afterwards, we hit the after party at The Empire Hotel and Ms. Berna came to join in on the festivities. Mr. Nick Lachey hosted and I almost moved in into the open bar. It's a bad sign when bartenders at a big event can remember your drink order. Ms. Vanessa was also there and was sweet and chatty as always.

Singer Songwriter Wednesdays

Have you ever gone to five events in one night and wondered how it all was possible? Indeed that was my evening last night with Ms. Berna. We began our evening at the Save the Music event at Bloomingdales, complete with very sweet cocktails and a coma-inducing performance by Vanessa Carlton. After downing four beverages, we zipped down to the Meatpacking to have a gorgeous dinner at Ono. We munched a ton of raw fish (including a free spicy tuna roll which was...spicy - sheesh!) then strolled up to the Highline Ballroom for a lovely performance by James Blunt (Thanks Lacey!). He was heaven and I strongly suggest you all run out to your local music stores and get the new album immediately. Don't illegally download. That's dumb.

THEN, we cabbed over to the Bowery Ballroom to catch a set by Jon McLaughlin who was delightful as always (Thanks Christine!). Work that piano! We finally ended the evening at Angels and Kings for the KT Tunstall after party where we consumed ten too many additional adult beverages. Needless to say, I'm lookin a hot mess and am surprised I didn't end up face down ass up on the couch when I passed out shortly thereafter.

Triplexes are fun

Have you ever seen a crazy ass weave on a crazy ass lady and wondered, "Who let her crazy ass out?"? That's exactly what I look like right now. Totally wack. Totally crazy. Totally ass. I woke up before 7:30AM this morning, yes pets, you read that correctly. In the MORNING. You know that's not hot. I was at the Palace Hotel all day working my weave like some kids in 3rd world countries. Really hard! Luckily we were in a triplex suite with a fabulous private roof terrace which helped to soften the blow. That lobster roll for lunch was also heaven. My interview with Mr. Mick Jagger went pretty smoothly and now I finally home, wishing I had a "Do It Yourself Botox Kit" to help erase these roast beef curtains that are slowly forming on my face. Don't sit on it! I'm not an Arby's!

The Hills Recap

I don't know, people. This episode worked my weave like a lawnmower on fake grass. It was so...fake! The whole plot line with Heidi "getting promoted" is giving me some serious diarrhea. I'm blowing out every toilet in Manhattan thinking about it. Clean my pipes! I don't even want to talk about it. Also, the whole "run-in" at Ketchup was aggravating. Fake and lame.

However, I DO want to talk about our favorite warthog, Elodie! Home girl gets snaps for finally getting some balls, some mighty big baseball size balls, for asking more than, "Oh my gosh, Heidi...What did you do this weekend?". She let that crab collector have it! It was simply heaven.

Where exactly did Justin Bobby go this weekend? Was there a douche convention he was attending with Brody? Bro-Bro-Bro-Brody? Maybe the pair of them are getting a hot civil union in Canada, eh?!

I don't know how I feel about sober Jason. He's so watered down and boring. So Shirley Temple! Get this man some meth! He's crumbling apart. He's so helpless and just gawks at Lauren through his beady little eyes. Let's pray for a relapse. Call Lohan!

Le Weekend

My weekend was a lovely one. Saturday evening saw lots of alcohol and debauchery as Ms. Berna (welcome to NYC!) and I met up at Underbar for some tasty music (Gimme MORE!) and even tastier beverages. A bevy of Ms. Berna's crew arrived and we high tailed it down to The Bubble Lounge in Tribeca (slowly becoming my favorite hot spot) for an all night bender. Nothing like dancing in circles, making tasteless jokes about anal sex with near strangers, and downing Kir Royales to prove a Saturday evening fabulous.

Sunday, I relaxed my weave until I met Ms. Erika for a gorgeous dinner at Da Silvano. The tasty Italian feast we consumed was amazing and we also spotted a crow...A Counting Crow...Yes Mr.-once-been-inside-Cox/Aniston Weave Extraordinaire...Mr. Adam Duritz. Is he still rocking the same ol' weave? Indeed!

I also saw ALOT of television this weekend and have several pressing comments.

Tim Gunn's Guide to Style: This show should be renamed...This Old Queen. It's hysterically bad, yet incredible. Ms. Tim takes everything SO seriously (just like he does on Project Runway) and forces his guests to cry. Loves. Even more amazing is how horrid his makeup job is. The 2nd episode (aptly named "Weight Loss") features his mug with about 9 different shades of foundation on...globbed all over various parts of his face. Weird! His co-star (Honey, we're clearly using the word "star" loosely), Veronica Webb, obviously hates being on this show. She seems totally bothered and annoyed and when she looks at the chubby girl makeover, she is as fake as her boobs. It's amazing! Ms. Tim and Ms. Veronica have absolutely no chemistry either which is heaven. He's semi oblivious and she has no time for him. Loves.

Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane: I can't even believe this hot trannie has a reality show...but I am totally addicted! This crazy ass giraffe runs around town in some "phat" garb and is a total wack job. It sort of makes me want to befriend her - I love me some crazies. She loves to talk about how "fabulous" she is when girl, I think she's just rolling in Russell's money. She definitely works hard, but I don't know. She didn't get to where she is without opening her mouth a few million times.

This week is going to be insane so stay tuned for details. I need to roll on a seaweed mask and clean out these pores.

Well, actually what I mean is...No, that's exactly what I mean.

My evening last night was a lovely Japanese / Scottish mix of fabulousness. I met the peeps at Haru for some delightful raw fish fare. Nothing like dirty panty breath to kick start your evening! A big shout out to Ms. Grace for feeding the hungry! We zipped over to Pure on Irving for some tasty wine and white sangria where Ms. Berna joined our weave party. We worked our way through a few adult beverages before moving onto to Irving Plaza to see Scottish darling, Paolo Nutini, work his magic on a predominently preppy and European crowd. The smell of foreskin was pungent and we were all salivating. Party dress! Thanks Ms. Lacey for hookin us up! After the show, we moved further downtown to the Mercury Lounge to see the US debut of Calvin Harris, and boy, did he deliver like Dominos!!! The crowd was moving like they had crabs biting their genitals and it was heaven! Well done, Calvin!

Heatherette

This socialite is very tired and busted this morning. Ms. Rebecca and I decided to work our weaves last night and after a tasty dinner at Republic (and by tasty, I mean it's a glorified cafeteria) with Mr. Isaac, we rolled to Lotus for the Heatherette party. It was packed with the usual Downtown suspects - club kids, trannies, Amanda Lepore, gays, etc - and it was heaven with open bar (I wonder if Heaven is always open bar...that would be, well, heaven). We gargled down a few Belvedere cocktails and people watched to our hearts' content. There were tons of models floating around looking angsty and bothered. Loves. As we left, we spotted Justin Long outside loitering with his peeps but girl, it was bedtime and we had to go home.

Fashion Week Continues

I met up with Ms. Jacky and Ms. Mercedes for a tasty evening out at Koi. The place was packed with giraffe like models picking at edamame and downing laxatives with their fruity martinis. We had a gorgeous dinner to celebrate Ms. Mercedes' nuptial and finished off our meal with the Desert Sampler. The waiter looked a bit confused when the THREE of us ordered this, and said, "Well, um, it's quite big" - Here's hoping. We said it was fine and homegirl was right. It was obviously intended for a party of 8-10 people. Clearly, we're not models and licked the platter clean. We rolled our bloated selves past my fellow socialites and I zipped home to end up face down on the couch. Delight.

The Hills Recap

Let's just start immediately with Derek and Jarett (Yes, spelled like THAT?!?). In the classic words of the ladies...W-T-F. They are such the epitome of Jersey boys gone wrong (Is that a double negative?!). They've got the crazy fake tans, the gelled up hair, the Jersey swagger...it reeks of Summer's Eve. Maybe it should be called Jersey's Eve. When your asshole is feeling a little grimey, just rub a little Derek in your pooper and you'll smell like the Turnpike! I can't even deal with them but their comedic presence is certainly appreciated. What if Derek and Justin Bobby become BFF's? I would finger myself in anticipation.

How much did you love Lauren's reactions to Derek's love pleas? It was heaven. I love when she becomes a Grade A cunt. It's the real her and it's delicious. I also love when her zits (see the workout scene) are all over her chin. At least I think they're pimples and not some gross herpes. Smack her face with it! Um, ew.

This whole Heidi gunning for the Director promotion at work is so incredibly fake that it pains me to watch. I'd rather give birth to a jar of pickles. Many jars of pickles. I'm having octoplets! Also, isn't Elodie one of the most wretched creatures to roam Los Angeles? She's such a filler character and they must have decided to cast a frumpy dump truck to make Heidi look "better". No one in the real world would hire Heidi for any job besides walking glory hole, and even then, she'd complain that this spit cum filleth over.

How ridiculously white are Audrina's teeth? Did she accidentally mistake a bottle of Clorox for a fire hydrant and deep throat it? So now she's proclaiming to be "just friends" with Justin Bobby? Oh please. Someone's having anal later!

And the return of our male Lohan...Jason! Well thank goodness someone decided to cut that weave but he still looks like a hot mess. Using facial hair to define a nonexistent jawline? Doesn't work, sweetie!

VMA's

Um, I'm so sorry to say this, but this is potentially the biggest flop that's ever aired on TV. This show is so horrendously bad that I'd rather watch overweight women give birth. I have a feeling that many of my co-workers are about to lose their jobs and that there are going to be some serious evenings out of heavy alcohol consumption and consolation. Instead of Moonmen, everyone's getting pink slips!

Let's start with the pre-show. Uhhh Ms. John Norris looked like an emo-trannie! What exactly is going on? How has he not been fired yet? He said that Panic at the Disco was his style inspiration. The eyeliner, the flat ironed bleached hair, the skeleton scarf? Ms. John, you're about 800 years old...you can't dress like 22 year olds. Get a fucking clue. And where was the talent? Beyonce? Jay-Z? Britney? Justin? Timbaland? Apparently too busy to be there!

And now..."Britney's big performance". Uhh I'm sorry Brit, but did you have somewhere else you needed to be? She looked so bothered to even be there! She put zero effort into her "performance", and by performance, I mean she walked around in a bathing suit with her gut hanging out. She barely bothered to lip sync and hardly danced. She was so sedated! Xanax overdose? There was no surprise guests, and what happened to the Cris Angel contribution? Her career is over.

What's the main problem with this show? Well, there are actually more than several. First of all, the show is lacking some sort of continuous energy. It's just all over the place and makes no sense. Everything is so staged and it's just BORING. The show definitely needed a host to tie the shit together. Secondly, they put some over-the-hill execs in charge of the show creative who think that this suite idea is "young and hip". Um no, it's just lame and poorly lit. This does not translate to screen! Kim Kardashian does better camera work. And also, why are they not showing complete performances? That makes even less sense. This is embarassing. I wonder how this show will rate. Is anyone even watching this mess besides me? I hear "Meet the Fockers" is playing on ABC.

Finally, some saving grace in this pile of shit. Chris Brown and Rihanna! Work it, ladies! Now this is a solid VMA-worthy performance. I do love me some "Umbrella" and Ms. Chris has got some tasty moves. Yes he's the new Usher/Michael Jackson wannabe, but that's fine for me at this point. Work!

Justin's acceptance speech...Priceless! He just said, "MTV needs to play more videos...We don't want to see The Simpsons on reality television"...And he said this...in front of...The Hills girls! Aha! That's classic.

Kanye's performance was decent. Even though he's the biggest pain in the ass (think being gang banged by a band of cactus), I will give girlfriend props. The song is cute and the performance was fine. Take off the fucking white sunglasses though. You look like a tool.

I like this Linkin Park performance. The song is a bit blah but the vibe is that of the EMA's and there's actually some ENERGY in this show. Well done, boys.

Pete Wentz needs a serious weave chop. He's looking a hot mess. And what's up with Ms. Travis from Gym Class Heroes? Too much weave relaxer, honey! The Rihanna/FOB collabo is cute. Shut up and drive! I'm feelin it. That's hot.

I love this Alicia Keys song! Well done, girlfriend! Now this is some hot classic R&B. It gives me a nice early 90's R&B vibe. Loving it. My only comment is that her eye makeup looks like it was done by the famous makeup artist, Helen Keller, and Ms. Alicia needs to not wear those tight ass pants over her big fucking hips. Those aren't birthing hips...that's a fucking birthing hallway! And now's shes rocking the George Michael classic, "Freedom"! All of a sudden, this shit's the GLAAD Awards! Bravo!

So Gym Class Heroes just won Best New Artist (Uh it should have been Amy Winehouse!!) and Jennifer Gardner called them Gym Class Fallout! Haha! What this intentional?!? Is she dissing the emo boys? Classic.

Dr. Dre is being celebrated for the best producer? Ouch! Timbaland must be pissed! Someone's been to the gym...Damn gina. Have another protein shake!

Yay Rihanna just won Video of the Year! Work it, baby! She looks radiant in that pink situation. Loves her, loves the video. Love love love!

Is Diddy really wearing a B.I.G. t-shirt? Are you kidding? How long can he ride that wave? Sick.

Finally! The finale! Now THIS is how a performance should look. The entire show should have been looked like this. Justin, Timbaland, Nelly Furtado...heaven!

How can I best sum up this mess of a show? I will quote Ms. Berna's summation:

"Um, that was like a 5 year reunion. Brit was the head cheerleader, who graduated, drank too much, got knocked up, and now just goes to parties and takes her top off. Justin was her boyfriend she broke up with for college boys, but he turned out to be the greatest thing she'll never be able to have again...".

US Open

Did anyone else watch the Men's Finals of the US Open? Who knew that two sweaty men hitting a tiny ball at each other could be so exhilerating? Ha! I think they game might be a bit more interesting if two balls were in play. I mean, they come in a pair, don't they?!

Ok, so I actually didn't watch the match (Who really gives a flying crap, really?!), but I did watch the award's presentation and it was fucking ridiculous. Novak Djokovic, apparently the 20 year old sensation from Serbia - so hot right now, lost to Ms. Roger Federer. He was very fake humbled in his second place status and what did he receive for his efforts? A fucking tray! What? I didn't realize that dinnerware was a prize. Was this competition sponsored by William Sonoma? Did the third prize winner receive complimentary dish towels and a hand job from Anthony Bourdain?! Then Ms. Roger received his trophy which he did his best Top Model posing with. I think it's incredibly toolish when they raise that shit up and kiss it. It's not an asshole...Take your mouth off of that! Four years in a row...work it, baby!

Congratulations are in order!

Big ups and a gigantic congratulations are in order to Ms. Mercedes for her nuptials in Florida last week! Work them wedding bells, dear!

I had a lovely evening last night with the aforementioned Ms. Mercedes and her new hubby. We had a tasty dinner at Bar Martignetti. I sure do love that tuna tartare and lobster roll. Yu-hum! After our meal, we rolled around Nolita and Soho, scouting fabulous bars for their wedding reception. After surveying the scene, we settled on The Bubble Lounge in Tribeca because it's amazing! There are more Europeans than you can offer a circumcision to and more champagne than you could throw a drunk, like myself, at. Loves.

Tonight is the big night...the VMA's! It's a bit odd to not actually be there this year, so I suppose I'll watch it on TV like everyone else. How common.

The Hills Recap

First of all, let me question this. Who edited this monstrosity of an episode this week? It was atrociously cut! I mean, we all know that this show is totally fake and "prompted", but some of the scenes lacked so much in the continuity department, that it barely made sense. That person should be forced to trim Spencer's ass hairs...with their teeth!

Let's start by talking about all the hanger on boys that leach onto Brody like crabs on Audrina's vajayjay. They are the epitome of why LA sometimes, and usually, sucks. There are these good-for-nothing douchebags that just sit around, call each other "dude" and "bro", wear backwards trucker hats, and wax their balls. It's so ridiculous. Don't you love that when Brody gets around Frankie, he's all of a sudden an East LA gang banger. You're not kidding anyone, homeslice. You wear SPF 50. Get a clue.

Speaking of fools, um...Audrina? Sweetheart, have you been accidentally using your dildo instead of a toothbrush to brush those veneers, and in turn, unintentionally punched a hole through your tiny alien shaped head? Please tell me you're not buying the horse shit that Justin Bobby is crapping into your mouth! It pains us to see someone so stupid get fucked over even more. I think your genetics screwed you enough. Drop the loser, honey!

Now you all know I love me some Lo (my future wife, just for namesake), but honey...eat a Zone bar and drop the pizza! You is a fattie and we is judgmental...so work it out...or better yet...work out! She's definitely the snide, "smart" character in this brood of whorehouse rejects. Sometimes, she gets this glare in her eyes when she's talking to Audrina that reads, "My oh my, what drugs did your mommy shoot when she was preggers with you, you dumb ass slut". It's heaven.

And the biggest news of the episode? Spencer and Brody break up! This display of "male emotion" is exactly why men shouldn't display emotion. Because it's pathetic and ridiculous! You've left the playground, fellas. The lameness ends at the edge of the sandbox. Just lick each other's assholes and make up!

Let's finish with Jen. Now exactly how much plastic surgery did Fugs get? I mean, it's sort of sad when someone gets that much surgery and looks even uglier than before, ain't it? I love that Heidi totally called her out on it as soon as she saw her. Jen is really a worthless human being and if she got hit by a car, someone would probably reward the driver with a purple heart.

Scottish Weave

Happy Wednesday, fools! My weave is a bit knackered from last night as I had a "late" night (well, late by standards of my tired old ass). The peeps and I went down to the Bowery Ballroom to check out those tasty Scots, The Cinematics (http://www.thecinematics.com/). What a treat! We drank, we danced, we drank some more, and then...drank. If the lads come to your town, check their weaves out!

New York Weave

My weave is back in NYC after my quick jaunt to the Bay Area. What a delightful weekend I had. On Saturday, I had a lovely dinner at Fuki Sushi with Ms. Liana and Ms. Christina. Raw fish consumption in California is always a delight. You don't get that dirty pantie taste in your mouth. Holla! On Sunday, I did some light shopping, had dinner with the family at Evvia, then met Ms. Liana at Circa in the Marina for some adult beverages. My flight was pretty easy yesterday and fortunately was packed with Europeans. The smell of foreskin in the air was recirculating and pungent! Who said they don't serve meals on flights anymore? Aha!

Home is where the weave is.

What a joy it is to be back in the Bay Area! The sun is barely shining, it's a bit breezy, the fog is rolling in, and girl, I need a sweater. Loves! I had lunch at Left Bank with Ms. Shelby after I arrived to munch on some much desired French fare then napped the afternoon away. After rinsing out my weave, I met up with Ms. Liza and welcomed her to San Francisco with a brief driving tour. We ended up in the French Quarter and dined at Cafe Bastille. Because it's "summer", they had all their outdoor seating set up and it was heaven. Plenty of Europeans surrounded us and gabbed about politics and foreskin. After a delicious dinner, we wandered to Rouge et Blanc with Mr. Dylan for a tasty bottle of Riesling. Unfortunately, this weave was driving and although all my Hollywood girls are very DUI chic, I didn't feel like spending a night in jail with a 500 pound cellmate named Mo, so I kept my alcohol consumption to a reasonable level. No bottle deep throating for me! Afterwards, we zipped to Pacific Heights for a friend of Mr. Dylan and Ms. Liza's party but as the late hours approached, my weave expired and I went home.

It's another gorgeous day here today so I think I will need to give my credit cards a workout and find myself some Fall couture. Work!

Midweek Weave

This week has had the pace of an impotent Special Olympian...in bed. Not hard, but slow. I've been workin my weave and am eagerly anticipating a relaxing weekend where I won't look so damn crazy.

A gaggle of us had a margarita situation last night along with some super filling Mexican food. One important thing I learned? Ms. Erika enjoys getting my finger in the shot as she attempts to TMZ me. Oh no! You're getting fingered well, girlfriend! Say cheese!

I have some serious packing to do tonight as I will be jetting to the Bay Area tomorrow for some mild California weather. Foggy and cloudy during the day and cold at night? Get me my speedo and matching weave! Loves it.

The Hills Recap

What an episode! Not much happened, but there's a lot of smack talk to work.

Let's begin with the Heidi plot line. Who knew she was such a damn hick? Crested Butte? Do you mean Crusted Butt? Taking one look at her mother, girlfriend better stock up on the Botox and moisturizer now or else she's going to end up looking like an Indigo Girl who pan fried her face in a vat of ugly! Seriously, her parents are a walking ad for chemical peels. Good grief! I do want to give an extra special "woot woot" to Heidi's mom for laying the smack down on Spencer. Can you believe he acted like such a raging douche at the lunch? He is so grotesque and lame. I see this relationship having the success of Heidi's herpes treatment! Still ugly and not working!

Let's take a brief pause to talk about my soul mate, Lo. She is heaven, but that hat she wore at lunch was not. She often times makes some serial fashion faux pas' and this was no exception. I did have a revelation though that if we got married, she would have the most amazing name. For those of you who know me, think about it...

Onto the walking dartboard, Audrina. Get your shit together! Have you ever noticed her wonky eyes? Her pupils are off center and too high. It always looks like she's looking up. That must make for an interesting blow job face. I can't believe she is still with that tool Justin Bobby. He is seriously a raging moron. I loved his beach outfit of combat boots paired with 70's porn star shorts. What the fuck?! And when they were frolicking in the water, he was whipping his weave around like he was in a shampoo commercial. Gross!

At the end of the episode, leaving the helmet behind was classic. Audrina didn't know how to react (which is nothing new) and she looked flustered and sad. That was heaven! Thank goodness she's working it out and realizing it's time to move on to the next LA douche bag who will treat her like a used dental dam.

We need to end by talking about Brody's finger. Um, he broke it on the beach? Was he finger banging his own ass too hard? This is so ridiculous. Also, how exactly did he go to the hospital, get a full arm cast, AND x-rays all within the span of the same afternoon? I loved it when Lo and Lauren started to hysterically laugh upon his return. Gorgeous.

Teen Choice Awards 2007

Ah yes, the show that the VMA's always strives to beat, but never can! It's that time again, boys and girls! Yay! The Teen Choice Awards! Awesome! Radical! Cool! It's time for slut bag teen royalty to put on their best fake coked out faces to out-sweet each other to trick youngsters into buying their albums and watching their totally rad movies! I haven't seen this many fake t'weens since seeing MYSELF in high school! Bodacious!

So since this show is so fake, let's break and down and shit talk.

Hilary Duff: She is the queen of fake! Everyone thing about Ms. Ed reeks of fakeness. She looks like she just shot 8 rounds of heroine before coming on stage. Eat a burger or a penis! Protein is key, honey. She really knows how to work these t'weens though. They are eating her shit up with big smiles on their faces. Now that's what I call talent!

Nick Cannon: I love Nicholas and have nothing bad to say about him. He knows how to work the kiddies too and is rolling in $$$ because of it. Work it, mama!

Megan Fox: Who is this dumb whore? I don't really get it here, but she has more or less nothing to say and just oozes cheap sex - sex appeal. If ever someone could be called a walking "power plug", this bitch has got gang bang all over her face (puns galore!).

The Rock: Who let the homo out? Doesn't he just look like a big mo that they would cage up at a state fair in the 1920's so suburbanites could come see a real live one? He should sponsor KY Kelly. Slippery!

Shia LeBoeuf: Is his last name REALLY LaBoeuf? Are you sure it isn't LaDildo?

Avril Lavigne: Why won't this Canadian ho stop smiling? Who knew she was a professional skier (well, everyone...)? I haven't seen someone that coked up since...being at work last Friday. Hey Hey You You I could be your coke dealer!

The Cast of High School Musical: What a bunch of damn losers! I know...a bunch of RICH losers! I don't understand this phenomenon...maybe my weave is too damn old but what's the appeal of a whole bunch of gays and girls singing some bullshit songs? Just watch "Hairspray"!

Ryan Seacrest: She just won some "Choice Hissy Fit" award? Um, shouldn't this award just be given to all gay guys? Miz Ryan looks fierce in that Cover Girl makeup!

Jessica Alba and Zac Efron: These 2 underachievers won "Choice Hottie". Ok, Jessica I get. There are loads of sticky socks all around the world dedicated to her. But Miz Zac? Someone explain this to me. Home girl wears more makeup than Jesse McCartney! And he loves cock! What?! Is this the GLAAD Awards?

Kelly Clarkson: Did someone eat the fridge last night? Time to purge, sweetie! Wow, she really has blimped her shit up. I guess she's always had those cow-like tendencies but it's time to graze greener pastures, honey! Salad bar - good! Carbs - bad!

Justin Timberlake: Ai Papi! He couldn't even make the ceremony? That's so lame! In these scripted awards shows, I'm surprised they didn't give "Ultimate Choice" to someone present! I guess Justin Long doesn't cut it. Oh boo.

Dane Cook: He won "Choice Comedian"? This overgrown frat funk is the un-funniest lady in America! And those pot marks! But home slice has hit the gym! He looks like a Chippendale reject now! What's happening with that t-shirt?! Is someone buying their couture at Filene's Basement? Oh dear... West Hollywood called and Dane's butt plug answered!

Jordin Sparks: This cow chopped her weave...and she looks horrible! My, she's a whale of a woman, isn't she? I wonder when she shits, does beluga caviar come out? Tasty Sparks!

Lauren Conrad and Audrina Partridge: They just won for "Choice V Cast Video". What the fuck is that?! Lauren looks delicious and beautiful and Audrina looks cheaps and easy! Sounds about right. Work those roast beef curtains, ladies!

Omarion: Time to cut that weave, sweetie! I barely know who you are but I do know that that weave looks crazy! Snippy snippy!!

Fergie: Big Girls Don't Shoot Meth! Oh, that's not the name of the single? She actually looks fabulous (for her)! Her performance...well, a little shoddy but her acceptance speech...False modesty at it's best! You work those fake tears, girlfriend! Loves.

Chingy and Ludacris: What are these two ladies doing here?

Sophia Bush: Doesn't she just reek of uber-cuntiness? You know this lady is a total biz-snatch! She did look quite pretty working the false modesty though! Her Forever 21 dress was a bit wack. I can see your uterus, honey! A little looser! Me likey!

Miley Cyrus: Who is this fugly ho? The t'weens are going nuts! Training bras and unused tampons are being thrown everywhere! Like totally radical! She looks like a young Patricia Heaton and honey, that's not a compliment!

John Travolta: What's Ms. Johnny doing at this show? Hide your children! Doesn't his weave and makeup look pretty? This makes me very nervous. What if he looks at Zac Efron and just starts beating off right there? Get your umbrellas-ella-ella-ella!

The Hills Recap

Profuse apologies for not blogging about our favorite fake reality show earlier. This weave has been a busy one this week!

Really, I think this show needs to be renamed "Spencer's Eve". I mean, seriously, how douchey can one individual be? It's actually alarming that Justin Bobby even out-douches Spencer. How does "Justin Bobby's Eve" sound? Too many syllables. I know Audrina is a raging cripple (Doesn't she sometimes look like she's taken a few bat swings to the face?"), but how does she manage to date/kiss him? I'd sooner deep throat a cactus while ramming myself with a power drill than conceive of such horrendous activity.

The dinner/drinks situation with Lauren, Justin Bobby, and Audrina was priceless! How incredibly awkward and atrocious. I think we've all been there, third wheeling on someone else's bad date. Ugh. Also, when Justin had that ridiculous hoodie on INDOORS, I wanted to throw darts at his testicles. How annoying. Attention men of Los Angeles...sunglasses and hoodies belong OUTDOORS. Do not be a fucking moronic tool. Take the glasses and hoodie off. No one thinks it's acceptable. People are only laughing at you. Gross! And at the end of the episode, did they break up or not? Between the jibber jabber of those 2 retards, it's hard to tell. "Truth and time"? What is that even supposed to mean?

Let's also give big props to Ms. Heidi for workin that wall! Yes, the whole thing is as staged as Kim Kardashian's sex tape, but it's still heaven to watch. Spencer's dopey look was priceless when he walked in on Heidi painting over that tacky mess. Work it, sister!

Scenes for Next Week look amazing. Who knew Heidi was such a hillbilly? And it looks like Audrina finally gets ass banged by Justin Bobby one last time before she dumps him. Baited breath, my brothers and sisters.

My weave has flown back East.

Indeed, I am back in NYC and my weave is not very happy about all this humidity that is quiefing all over the city. Gosh Mother Nature...can't you control it?!?!

I had a nice few days in Seattle, toured the shopping sites, had a gorgeous dinner at Purple (any restaurant that has a wine recommendation to accompany every dish on the menu, including dessert, is fine by me!), and saw Ms. AJ and Mr. Chris for a cocktail at W.

I am settling in for the weekend and making sweet love to my Air Conditioner until this heat lets up. Maybe we will make babies that will look like Eskimos.

Shortbus to Seattle

Well, here I am in lovely and overcast Seattle. My kind of weather! My weave is high-fiving my natural hair in joy!

Getting here was a bit of a hassle as my flight was full of...well, how do I put this in a politically correct tone? Um...retards? There were limbs missing, seeing eye dogs abound, screaming babies, tech nerds...I was basically on the short bus flight. Fabulous. Thankfully, I could block that out from my First Class seat as I got hammered on what must have been Costco bought Sauvignon Blanc.

My flight was also delayed and as I was waiting at the gate to board, the previous flight was debarking and some moron, who was talking into his cell phone far too loudly, walked past me and stared me in the face as he proclaimed, "Oh! I must be in the international terminal!". Asshole.

When I finally got to Seattle, my cab driver decide to lay one huge SBD (that's right, I'm busting out the grade school terminology) fart that almost exfoliated my skin. What a damn day.

But now it's a new day and I am ready to face the world with a...new face?